Sunday, January 23, 2011

Lost Boys The Thirst; A Hardcore Review

What's two fifths of the original and gayer than oiled pecs and waxed legs on Fire Island? Why it's Lost Boys The Thirst of course.
Somebody tell me why Corey Feldman isn't a fucking greeter at WalMart right now?
Thank Eisner that Corey Haim had the good sense to OD before this this cluster fuck of an abortion was made. There were only two good things about this movie, the fact that it had flashbacks to the classic original, AND THAT IT ENDED!
Who the fuck says it does any good to follow current piece of shit pop culture? Apparently, whoever the fuck green lit this flaming bag of dog diarrhea. Sometimes people need to learn that they aren't viable commodities anymore and that they should become just another shadow instead of taking up valuable oxygen and natural resources. I mean Feldman's a Vegan, right? But he still finds it ok to knaw at my brain with his 5'4" caveman self. Just kill yourself already. And the worst part of this piece of tofu slathered shit is that they're gonna make another one. I can only hope like you that Feldman drops dead of being a fucking little bastard with no talent and a nine pack a day voice.
Did you know that Joel "Bat nipples" Schumacher directed the original 80's cult classic The Lost Boys. I mean that movie had it all, four teen heart throbs, Alex Winters from Bill and Ted, that guy who ended up on Thirty Something AND Diane Weist. Plus a kick ass soundtrack. This movie had shitty references to Twilight, the rave scene (do people even rave anymore?) and some seriously ghey vampires. I mean gayer than Robert Pattinson. Well, maybe not THAT GAY.
Who the fuck asked for a third Lost Boys flick? I remember wanting to go on a bloody chainsaw rampage in 08 when at Comic Con International they announced Lost Boys The Tribe. This movie was phenomenally bad. I mean Mystery Science Theater 3000 worthy. Give Feldman a Lifetime Douchebag Achievement Razzie for his continued existence. There's not a lot more I can stomach. Except for the distinct possibility that the cast of Twilight, Feldman and Halle Berry will all be on the next voyage of the Titanic.
How do I grade this fucking dirty bomb of a movie? What moment from wrestling history could I possibly bestow upon this movie that would not encourage people to want to waste the braincells I already martyred for them? How about WCW Sin? The first WCW pay per view of 2001 when Sid Vicious decided after some coercion from the higher ups to try a top rope high flying maneuver and... broke his fucking leg. Not just broke it, that fucker was hanging by a thread. In the process Sid knocked out Scott Steiner in their World Heavyweight Title match.

Fuzzyface Worldwide

The Muppets meet Texas Chainsaw Massacre? with the most lovable homicidal protagonist of all time in "the world's greatest sidekick" Agnew Pennyworth, in his starring role as, Fuzzyface. Equal parts of Jim Henson's family favorite Muppets and Tobe Hooper's Texas Chainsaw Massacre mixed in with a dose of Mary Shelly and bookended with the Youth in Asia characters Nash, Kyle and Grrry, Fuzzyface mixes twisted humor with strict monster movie guidelines and a huge dosage of crass behavior. Written by Venus of Necro and illustrated by John Chihak, Fuzzyface boasts a series of pinups by up and coming artists and a foreward by Henry Barajas, writer of El Loco and Girl Scouts in Space.
As of this afternoon, Fuzzyface: The Agnew Chainsaw Massacre 3 is now available on the internet for download on you "E" devices from Indie Aisle. Thanks to Ovi Demetrian Jr. a guy I met at Amazing Arizona Comic Con a few weeks ago. He approached me in Artist's Alley at the con and asked me if I was interested in turning some of my comic books into digital comics. I had wanted to do this for a while, as this was the easiest way to make Anti-Hero Brand Comics available to as many people as possible.
This is a massive step forward for AHB, and the potential it brings is great. Fuzzyface is the breakout book for us, and I believe is easily the most iconic of all our titles, with the series of coloring books called "got crayons?" very close in second place. For those of you out there still without a copy of this great book, all you need is $3 and you can download it in its entirety. Or get a monthly unlimited subscription to Indie Aisle and read Fuzzyface as well as many other awesome titles, like Dennmann's "Get That Chicken," and a ton of "Monster Commute" comics from Steam Crow. This is a super inexpensive way to get to check out a lot of worthy indie writers and creators. And it's not just limited to comics. There's novels and short stories available too.
For those of you who've heard the buzz, or want to check out the madness, just click here for Fuzzyface E Book.

Friday, January 21, 2011

Batman Judge Dredd: Judgment on Gotham; A Hardcore Review

Written by Alan Grant and John Wagner and illustrated by one of my favorite artists Simon Bisley, this one shot graphic novel that crosses over characters from both sides of "the Pond." This visually gritty and intense story begins with Judge Death finding his way into Gotham via a dimension hoping belt. Confronted by two Gotham police officers, Judge Death makes short work of the boys in blue. And the pointy eared freak in tights is on the scene. Judge Death somehow drops the dimension belt and Batman finds it. Upon picking it up, he finds himself suddenly in Mega City One, and within a heartbeat facing off with Mean Machine Angel, last of the Angel clan. And with proper amounts of property destruction who should show up but Judge Joe Dredd. Playing the usual strong arm of the law, Dredd provokes Bats into taking a swing at him, and then consistently piles it on by revealing the additional sentence time for each strike. Pretty funny stuff. Two worlds collide with Batman truly believing in justice, well his definition of justice, and Dredd delivering quick justice, without the whole pesky due process or a trial by jury of your peers kinda waste of tax dollars. It's Judge Anderson who actually settles the boys down, sorta.
She ends up breaking Batman out of custody and dimension hoping back to Gotham City with the Caped Crusader to track down Death. Dredd finds out and does a little "Pond" hoping himself. Catching up with Anderson and Batman is first on his list, but he runs across Death's Gotham running buddy The Scarecrow. Ol' Stawhead blast Dredd with his fear gas, causing Dredd to hallucinate fluffy bunnies and unicorns. But it's when Batman, Dredd and Anderson combine their efforts that they take down both Scarecrow and Death. Although there was a panel where it looked as if Death lingered in Gotham City.
The gritty and insanely rendered artwork by the enigmatic Bisley is as always, spot on. And Grant who has been writing the Judge in 2000 AD comics for years is brought more to the attention of the American populace by way of incorporating the opposite side of the justice coin in Batman. The dialog at points seems cheesey, as Dredd keeps spouting off. And then there was the scene where Death kills a rock band. That was memorable for it's heinous wordsmithing. But in all this is a great, quick read. No need for pesky back stories, as both characters, whether you know their histories or not, are pretty much made quite clear in the early stages of this book. Recently I have been considering how Batman would physically look given the things he does on a nightly basis. Would he honestly have time to train? Lift weights, do insane cardio and obstacle courses and fighting techniques on a regular basis all the while spending the night hours patrolling the city. And yes, I realize it's a fucking work of fiction, and that something like this could have little actual relevance in the existing world. However, given the idea, would Bats have the insanely muscled body that Bisley gives him in the book? Or would he be leaner and built more like a mixed martial artist? Like it really matters, but this is my god damn review and I'll take a fucking detour if I want to.
I am almost certain this is the first Bisley project I have ever reviewed. And what a way to kick this off than with grading it based upon one of the best bodies in the wrestling business. Having been out of the public light for eight months rehabing a torn quadriceps muscle from about May 2001, Triple H had left doubters wondering what he would look like when he came back. Would he be the same wrestler who had dominated the previous two years? It was planned in the December 2001 pay per view, called Vengeance that Hunter would do a run in. A preview poster was printed up and everything. However Triple H wasn't quite ready and needed about two more weeks to be up to snuff. So on January 7, 2002 in the world's most famous arena, Madison Square Garden, in front of a sold out crowd and with millions watching at home. After the very last, pain inducing commercial break Raw was back on. And just as you couldn't wait any more, his amazing entrance music, "The Game," by Motorhead blasted through the PA system. And the crowd went absolutely apeshit insane. I have to say for the majority of the two hour show, as a Triple H mark (at the time) I paced the limited floor of my studio apartment with my sledgehammer propped up on my shoulder. Hearing the music blare, and seeing my hero back on television brought chills. It has been said even to this day, eight years later that Madison Square Garden or any other venue hasn't experienced that kind of pop since "The Game" came home.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Hack Slash, My First Maniac 1-3; A Hardcore Review

Today, after a very long time in the making, I review the first three issues of the Image Comics release of Hack Slash; My First Maniac. This is as much of an origin of slasher killer, Cassie Hack as you can imagine. Cassie Hack is a young, semi goth, quasi punker chick who, along with her hulking friend Vlad, hunts down slashers. Her very first experience with slashers was with her mom, The Lunch Lady. Cassie went to a private school where her mom worked in the cafeteria. Cassie, was awkward as most kids her age are. But she was tormented by her classmates. Cassie's mom saw all this happening and decided to do something about it. So the Lunch Lady began slashing the kids at the school. But like so many slasher movies, she was hunted down and killed.
Cassie ran. Hooked up with Vlad and began slashing the slashers. The original series from Devils Due Press ran for more than thirty issues, and a series of one shots and crossovers. Cassie was even featured on the Suicide Girls website with her own set of pics. The photos of fans run in the backs of the issues are probably some of the best likenesses of fandom I have ever seen.
Hack Slash was created by Tim Seeley. Several issues of the original series was also illustrated by Seeley. Emily Stone ended up drawing most of the remaining issues of the series. Seeley is writing the current series along with Daniel Leister who is doing the art chores. The flash back sequences are awesome as the line style changes and the coloring is old school half tones. I seriously dig that shit.
I'm kind of bummed that the series went to Image. Although I feel this will give the series more coverage and the much needed boost towards the eventual release of the movie. Devils Due had been publishing the series for years. Including the exclusive Suicide Girls one shot. Which had three different covers. Each issue, current or past DDP series comes with a variant cover. The omnibi (plural for omnibus) has cover artwork by Ross Campbell who does the series Wet Moon.
This review is not so much just for the current series, as it is for the overall Hack Slash mythos. Hack Slash is a phenomenal fucking comic. From the uber hot Cassie Hack, to the lovable hell hound Pooch, to the misshapen hero Vlad and all the seriously fucked up slashers, Hack Slash is page for page one of the best comics on the rack right now. You like horror, on a Rob Zombie blood splatter scale, then you need to fucking read this book. Hack Slash is a bloody mess, with some killer tits and ass. I think one of the things I like best about Cassie is that she's not a traditional ditzy bimbo with huge boobs. She's smart, savvy and she is height and weight proportionate. She is also very much a Suicide Girl, sans the tattoos and piercings. Cassie Hack is everything the survivors of all horror movies are; strong female protagonists. In the spirit of the book, Hack Slash I have to go with a bloody mess of a wrestling match. And who better to go with than two of the all time bests in the industry. At ECW's Living Dangerously 2000, Steve Corino, the self proclaimed "King of Old School" took on "The American Dream" Dusty Rhodes in a "Bull Rope" match. In a blood splatterfest, Corino and Rhodes bled each other for the love of the sport and the adulation of the crowd. This is one of the all time best, short lived wrestling feuds in the history of this storied industry. A double "four alarm blade job," Corino and Rhodes made history as two generations met in the ring and time stood still. In my opinion this was bigger than Hogan versus The Rock, in so much as Hogan could never dream to be the worker Rhodes was on his worst day. And Corino was one of the best heels of a short lived ECW. Blood and violence galore, Steve Corino regrets nothing in the massive scar tissue he now wears as a badge of honor for the sport he loves.