The Hardcore Comic Book Icon

Batman: The Dark Knight 1-4; A Hardcore Review

2011-12-18T18:14:00.000-08:00

I was so all about this book when I first heard about it. David Finch does some great
grim and gritty. BUT and this is a big but, Finch is not, and should never be let to write another comic book story EVER! There are numerous plot holes, and just the build to finding out it was Clayface in the end of the third issue was a let down in my mind. And even the artwork was not something I really liked. For some reason it seemed to fall flat.

And in the New 52 there are a lot of things to like, but the fuck load of Batman titles is not one of them. I mean, c'mon build the foundation before you start putting up the windows and plumbing. Seriously. This really felt like it started in the middle of some story. And it was a story, I didn't get hyped about while reading, and am going to have taken off my pull list. I always say you can't really judge the comic without reading at least the first arc. Well I did, and it let me down big time. The only bigger let down, but was totally expected was Jim Lee not cutting it either. I think he should seriously be relegated to covers, and pinups and be contractually obligated to finishing a project before he gets paid. From what my dealer told me, that's pretty much what Finch was made to do, cause he had been fucking up big time while he wrote and drew his projects. They "saddled" him with the co-writer, which he honestly needs. There are a ton of artists who think they can write, and they just don't have the ability to make the characters relatable or even likable. I mean there's nothing wrong with that, unless you try and sell yourself as a writer, and you're not. That works if you're Bill O'Reilly or Newt Gingrich and you have a million zealot followers who are as stupid as you are. But not in comics folks. And it's fair for someone to say, "what have you ever done?" Well, that makes sense. I write and draw Youth in Asia, and I drew, or directed the screen play written by Venus of Necro of Fuzzyface. But back to the review, it just didn't sit well with me. It felt a lot like an early Image comic, all flash and absolutely nothing really to be in love with. If you remember the early Image stuff, it had this great artwork (for the time) and some really lackluster writing. There were a few exceptions to that.
The artwork peaked at times, but the huge hulking Two-Face who wanted to be called One Face should have been a giveaway, although it didn't. Plus the 'roided out Joker was a bit much. Joker and Two Face have always been psychological characters and not physical threats. And then you ad the White Rabbit to the mix, which reeks of The Mad Hatter, but will probably be what the wrestling industry calls a swerve. Then there was the truly unspectacular detective work of the Batman. He wasn't cerebral at the least, but seemed to be fine just bashing the shit out of whoever was in front of him. And maybe that's just me, but this seriously felt like nothing I would ever want to see in a Batman movie. Especially if Christian Bale is growling the dialog from this piece. And I shall leave it at that. Without ripping it's asshole completely open. The benefit to that is no straining when you have to poop.

Some of you may be reading this for the first time, so here goes. I grade my reviews based on moments in wrestling history. The more hardcore the moment, the more I liked it. The more old school refs to Hulk Hogan or Sid Vicious (pre 90's) probably means this is a joke and should not be taken seriously only if you also like Twilight and stupid shit like that. And the grade this gets is seriously fitting, but helped spawn a new promotion after he helped doom WCW. Batman: The Dark Knight gets, Jeff Jarrett breaking one thousand balsa wood guitars on the heads of one thousand other wrestlers, and it never raised the eyebrow of a fan. It was never extreme. It never got Jarrett the millions he felt he deserved or the respect of the fans. And god, I hope, never got him respect of the fans either. Take that Slap Nuts!

2011-12-13T20:31:00.001-08:00

In this instalment of The Hardcore Review I will be taking on the first 4 issues of Red Lanterns of DC's The New 52, and I am NOT DRUNK. "How is that fucking possible?" you ask. Well, I'm writing this at work, and I am pretty sure this would be frowned upon. Kind of like masturbating on an airplane. Thanks a lot Bin Laden!
In my mind possibly the sleeper hit of the relaunch (and as we know I am never wrong), Red Lanterns, with the creative team of writer Peter Milligan and art by Ed Benes KICK SOME EISNER DAMN ASS! Benes is famous for his work on Gen 13 and his tour of Birds of Prey which was written by Gail Simone. My first exposure to Milligan was "Girl" back in the mid 90's from Vertigo/Veritie along with equally British artist Duncan Fegredo. Milligan would later go on to write at least one mini series of Tank Girl. The Red Lanterns were no doubt the most popular corps in the Blackest Night storyline from last year. They also inspired in the first series of Blackest Night figures, an Atrocitus that immediately drew large money in the secondary market. In fact, I had one on order from my dealer Charlie Harris, who graciously kept the figure for me, in spite of myself not coming into the shop for some time. Charlie even told me that it was the last Atrocitus in the shop and he had been offered $50 for it. I told him, I would not have begrudged him if had sold it for that size of a profit. But Atrocitus proudly hangs on my wall, along with Earth 2 Superman, Red Lantern Mera with Dex Starr and Yellow Lantern Arkillo. The Blackest Night series of figures IS some of the most detailed and best looking figures I have seen. But I digest, onto the book.
The artwork is gracious, although somewhat sparse at times. It reminds me of early Image art, with the lack of backgrounds in quite a few of the panels. And at some points it feels that some poses and faces are a bit rushed. But there is an amazing amount of detail in each of the characters. And Benes does a great job differntiating the emotions characters express as their non rage filled earlier selves (such as Bleez and Skallox). But Milligan's word smithing is nothing short of amazing. His choice of vocabulary has me transfixed in ways I have not felt in some time. Books that are this well crafted are the reason I love this industry. DC did an amazing job of employing some of the best teams to make sure the relaunch was successful. I have heard from one or two people who claim Red Lanterns will probably be the first of the New 52 cancelled. I don't see how it could, as it's on time (Jim Lee) and Milligan and Benes are probably the best creative team of the relaunch. Atrocitus commands the Red Lantern Corps, all while holding constant conversations with a dead Krona the dirty bastar who killed all of Atrocitus' people (whatever fucking species they're supposed to be). For some reason, Atrocitus feels at peace talking with the corpse of his nemesis. Atrocitus has become a new type of vengeance that is not a green cape wearing ghost nor a flame headed motorcycle riding asshole portrayed by Nic (Copolla) Cage in an shitty movie that getting a fucking sequel. Good call Hollywood! He feeds on the rage felt by others, and acts upon it accordingly. By the second issue, Atrocitus has waged war on the universe and it's inhabitants for their destructive ways. For some strange reason, most of these attacks take place on Earth (the fuck you say).
In issue 3 Atrocitus (fuck I wish I had alternate names to call him) feels he needs a second in command to help keep the motley and ill tempered group in line. He choses Bleez, who's origin is revealed as Atrocitus throws her into the Blood Ocean. The Blood Ocean inhances her intellect but during this, Bleez is forced to relive her beginings and tortured past. She survives, but as she reveals, just barely. Atrocitus and Bleez visit her assailants and deliver rage filled punishment upon the two who claimed to be victims of Bleez's beauty. The two claimed they had no choice in their efforts to have her killed. For some reason they weren't white (c'mon it makes sense if you think about it).

After helping Bleez gain vengeance on her "suitors" (read the story), Atrocitus gives chase to Skallox. Skallox is present during a potential coup meeting held by Bleez, and Atrocitus begins to get paranoid. Unable to make sense of the mashed potatoes that make up Skallox's rage filled mind, Atrocitus tosses the horned Red Lantern into the Blood Ocean. Here we witness Skallox's origin, which I can only assume will continue into issue 5. Finishing the issue has me salivating for the next. It also has me wishing DC did the blank sketch-able variants the Marvel is doing. I not only love the Red Lanterns, but a plethora of DC characters as well.
The grade for this series, is the construct known as The Gangstas. Originally from Smokey Mountain Wrestling, New Jack and Mustafa moved to ECW in 1995, and began destroying tag teams. The combination of Mustafa's power and more technical skills, and New Jack's insane penchant for violence, his ability on the mic and willingness to "dive" from any height (as long as he got paid), made The Gangstas a force that battled with every tag team from the Public Enemy, The Eliminators all the way to the Dudley's. Getting color with almost every single match the wrestled in ECW this one was one of the worst, or best depending on how you think. "The Mass Transit Incident" (which almost made sure the 1997 pay per view Barley Legal didn't happen) involved a minor named Eric Kulas who doctored his papers to be able to wrestle in the place of Axl Rotten who wasn't able to make the event. A lot of wrestlers in the locker room state that Kulas, who was billed as Mass Transit, who not one one mother fucker had heard of, was telling The Gangstas who he was going to be in the match. Later, according to New Jack, Kulas asked him to blade him, as he did not know how. This fucking kid was stupid as he was fat (you'll find out why it's in past tense). During the match, Jack took his trusty instument, which he said was a surgical scalpel fixed to a thin piece of wood, and cut Mass Transit all the way across the forehead, causing Kulas to bleed profusely and have his father sue ECW. According to Kid Kash, Jack and Mustafa had to split right after. Jack was acquited of all charges. This was possibly due to the *fact* (according to New Jack) that Paul Heyman testified at his trial that Kulas had called Jerome "New Jack" Young, "nigger." And I didn't make any of that shit up.

Jingle Belle Gift Wrapped; A Hardcore Review

2011-12-13T18:54:00.000-08:00

In the latest one shot installment of Paul Dini's series about Santa's rebellious teenage daughter, her old Uncle Krampus, the imp who punishes the naughty children has become disillusioned with how Claus is running shit now. Apparently, all the little children of the world, who are no doubt all white just as this book claims, are all just passed off as nice and get presents from the jolly fat man. Holy Christmas it's just like America's public school system... NOBODY EVER FAILS! We just bump the little 'tards up to a 61% for effort and viola YOU PASS! That's a total lie, not all children in America's public school system are white. But while Krampus is pissed, Jingle or Jing to her witch friend has straight up had it. "But why?" you ask. That's a good fuckin' question. And since I have read the book, I am just the pigtailed munkey to answer that....
You see, after reliving the glory days of yore, when he was tag teaming with Kris (I think that's how you spell his name), Mrs. Claus, who is insanely hot for a very cartoonish character who is no doubt eons old, calls. For the only thing Krampus is qualified to do, settle a dispute. In this corner, weighing in at whatever the hell it said on the scale this morning. He is, Eisner knows how old and he stands shorter than he is wide...... the only man that's qualified to break into all your homes, steal food and leave sweat shop built gifts for you and you won't sue (cause he's white)....... SANTA CLAUS! And in this corner, probably up to no good while she's escaped from the frigid north (and not a "turkey's done" joke to be found). The bleached blond, pixie cut nymph...... JINGLE BELLE! Somebody's lying in this book and you guessed it, it's the old white guy who's never been wrong and apparently been called a saint. So, a while back, like almost last year, Jingle created a new doll for the now crowd of misanthrope, skinny jeans, striped shirt and scarf wearing, I stole a bunch of money from mom's purse to be able to afford this bottle of hair dye, and I hang out at ironically hip coffee houses with my friends and write shitty poetry as I stare at my boyfriend who's dressed just like me but wearing fake horn rimmed glassed that cost more than his P.O.S car. Seriously, it was a Bratz doll with attitude. Doesn't the Bratz doll already have attitude. I mean she was modeled after my Chicana raza mujeres. Ok, so old Santa, tells Jingle (god that's a great title but a fucking stupid name for a person) that the world isn't ready for this kind of toy.
I would just like to point out that while I write this review I am downing cans of Pabst Blue Ribbons and listening to SModcast episode 135: "Mos Chuisle").
So they call the evil goat guy to settle stuff. And he does by grounding them both. And now you don't need to read this book. You know unless you want to see the three panels of Jingle Belle in a striped bikini. The art is a lot of fun. And the writing is clever, at points. But this is nothing to write home about. I mean the bikini panels would have been so much better if when Claus yanks Jing from the sandy beach she was wearing a thong and he had given her a X Mas wedgie, but I mean that's just me and probably why I won't ever get to write or draw a mainstream comic unless someone is standing over me with a shotgun. But it would put asses in the seats.
So for this moment, I pick a moment, that's not really hardcore, but may have been shocking to some. The year was 1999. The promotion was ECW. And it pains me to say there was something in ECW that wasn't hardcore, but there were some, here and there. It was the PPV Guilty as Charged, and former heel referee Jeff Jones came out the ring wearing a judge's robe. With him in the middle of the ring stood, possibly the craziest mother fucker ever to wrestle in ECW, Kronus (formerly of the Eliminators with Perry Saturn). "Judge" Jeff Jones finds Kronus guilty of, fuck if I know... but he points his gavel (yeah he's carrying around a gavel, and not even a hilarious over sized gavel) towards the entrance way and out comes.... SID! As in Sid Vicous. As in Sid Justice. As in Sycho Sid!... and what happens when a near seven foot tall, greased up man with a combination Jew 'fro/mullet enters the ring? He powerbombs the shit out of everyone! And I do mean everyone... I mean yeah, monster enters the ring and destroys everyone. I get it. But seriously.... Sid Eudy? Seriously? The guy's almost older than Hogan and he's already made the grade for a previous review when he tried missle drop kicking Scott Steiner and broke his fucking leg! Or the time he made the review for his amazingly "realistic" punches. The guy does one thing right in his whole career, and it's possibly the lamest Goldberg ripoff angle in all of wrestling. Sorry Paul Heyman, but this time, Sid ain't "the man."

The Muppets; A Hardcore Review SPOILERS

2011-12-05T00:51:00.000-08:00

I went to the movie theatre tonight for the first time in almost TWO YEARS. The last flick I saw was Avatar in 3D with my cousin, Jackie. But this time, there was a massive trip down memory lane. And complete with my trusty hetero lifemate and sidekick, Agnew Pennyworth, and my friend Dez and a couple of Target purchased bottled sodas, I bared witness to the brand new The Muppet Movie. Like all the previous Muppet movies in the franchise that now spans four decades, this one was loaded with celebrity cameos. Jack Black, Sarah Silverman, Selina Gomez, Whoopi Goldberg, Ken Jeong, Bill Cobbs, Alan Arkin, Neil Patrick Harris, former child star Mickey Rooney and Dave Grohl all made appearances. While sweetheart Amy Adams co-stars and personal friend of Seth Rogen, Jason Segal wrote and starred in this movie, which keeps in continuity. But unlike so many other movie franchises that are being rebooted, The Muppets I can proudly say, was not. But that is not quite where the movie starts. Brothers, Gary and Walter have grown up together. But as Gary got taller, Walter stayed the same size. Cause, Walter is a puppet. The thing the brothers have in common is their love for one another and their willingness to make each other happy. But as kids the duo rent a tape one night. A tape featuring the most beloved puppets of all time. And Walter falls in love with The Muppets. I mean who wouldn't. After years together and ten years of dating Mary, Gary decides to go to Los Angeles with his best girl and his best buddy and brother, Walter. All Walter sees is the opportunity to go to Muppet Studios. And here our story begins. The Muppets it seems, have been disbanded or broken up as it were, for some time. I just realized while writing this review that I have crushed three Pabst Blue Ribbons and not yet said a bad word. Well, while I can't change the former, unless I simply drink MORE, I resolve to change the latter. While visiting Muppet Studios, Walter breaks into Kermits Office and overhears the plot of rich oil tycoon Tex Richman to buy the property and level it, so he can drill for oil. However there is one small hitch to his plan. If the Muppets come up with ten million dollars in the next two weeks, then they can buy the rights back and save Muppets Studios.
This whole story reminds me a lot of The Muppets Take Manhattan in the sense that it's a reunion of sorts. And I loved every minute of this flick. I laughed until my cheeks hurt. It was that funny. I mean the whole reunion portion was done especially well. Kermit, fired up from a pep talk from Walter, Gary and Mary seek out the remainder of the Muppets. And there's a fuck load of them. With the help of 80's Robot, and his offering of Tab, "New" Coke and his dial up modem access information as the where-abouts of the rest of the cast. And as Mary states, if Kermit hadn't decided to crusade, "this is gonna be a really short movie." The first locates Fozzie who is stuck in Reno as front man for "The Moopets," complete with insane, probably drugged out, foul mouthed fake versions of the real deal. The next one to be found is Gonzo, who, along with Camilla is running an extremely successful, correction, the most successful plumbing business in the heart of "the Rust Belt." And for some reason, after being told "it's okay to follow his heart" from Camilla, Gonzo blows up the warehouse. The rest of the search is rendered via MONTAGE! I honestly don't want to reveal too much. Although even if I posted the whole fucking script, I know you would go and see it. Fifteen minutes from the end I knew I figured out the end of the movie as I noticed some possible points during the flick. But, happily I was proven wrong. Although not totally. And this movie delivered.
The Muppets was completely fucking worthy of being the first movie I've seen in theatres since January 2010. This movie made me so glad that I did Fuzzyface. And it made me shed tears when watching a movie for the first time since the last time I saw Armageddon. Don't judge me! Because it made me realize how important having a dream really is. I think too many people just give up on their dreams when they grow up. While, to paraphrase Gary, "growing up is not about believing in others. It's about believing in yourself." (Beer #5!) It's interesting how I get inspired. And this time, all it took was a bolt of fabric with a whole lot of personalities. See, everything you ever needed to know about growing up, you no doubt learned while watching something involving the Muppets. There are few people I give the label, "God" to. And as I have stated before, Jim Henson is one of them. And although, The Henson Workshop has since sold the Muppets to Disney, it still had the same ideals and message. And in this time of thanks, I am thankful for the Muppets. I really am. They have helped light a fire of inspiration under my ass. And as anyone who knows me knows, I consider the work that was partially based on my love for The Muppets, Fuzzyface was my greatest work thus far, it should not stand to discussion that The Muppets have become my muse for the long road ahead to bring YiA6 or Youth in Asia volume 2 as it were into my sights. It's gonna happen. Cause it has to happen.
I thought about the grade for this amazing venture. I thought that a comedy wrestling match might be just the thing that would fit. And it might have been, if not for something that poked up its blond head during that comedy match. The all time greatest wrestling entrance of ALL TIME! Whether it be during a match where someone was getting the shit kicked out of them, or whether it was a scheduled matchup. The best entrance in the business, which in and of itself made me start smoking again and always makes me smile when I shotgun a can of beer. Those guitar chords hitting and the crowd completely coming unglued, as (no matter how much I hate them on a personal level) Metallica's Enter Sandman blared through the P.A. system. The crowd looking around to finally see him. And finally, after maybe 30 seconds, the arm rose and the Kendo stick appeared. And the crowd, which was already unglued, fell to fucking pieces. The Sandman, although not a polished wrestler, and not billed as a wrestler at all, has and always will elicit a reaction EVERY fucking time I hear that song.

Captain America: A Hardcore Review

2011-11-25T20:45:00.000-08:00

Today I review the star spangled pretty boy Captain America. Kind of interesting, that America decided to fight the Nazis with a poster boy for the Aryan Nation. Even more interesting is that Nazis are fucking morons. Cause well, look at fucking the definition of Aryans as a race.
So this flick I rented via Redbox on Bluray last night. And Redbox is so nice that it warns you that you are about rent a Bluray that will not play in a standard dvd player.
Captain America starts off with a really sweet scene in the present. And I'm sitting telling my friend Chankla that, "dude, they're gonna find Cap frozen in an ice cube." Then, we jump back to the early 1940's where a young Steven Rogers, all of 98 pounds gets a 4F rating for joining the Army four times after lying on his paperwork. The cool thing was that the whole series of time it's Chris Evans all CGI'd to look all wimpy and tiny. But then when he emerges from the Super Soldier chamber, he looks like a fucking 12 inch GI Joe doll. It just seemed really odd to me, especially the whole really lame romantic tryst between Agent Peggy Carter and Steve. It felt forced, but she was pretty effing hot. I dig that 40's 50's pinup model look. But add some tattoos. Anyways, the movie had a lot of fucking cheese to it. But then again, we're talking about a guy who dresses up in red, white and blue. That's pretty fucking lame in appearance. I can't believe how stupid comic book characters look in movies when they look pretty cool in print. It struck me years ago when I saw a scene from the 1989 Batman movie where Batman and Vicki Vale are running through the city, it just looks really stupid. But this flick had great action, although the portions shot specifically for 3D were really ultra cheese. I wish Hollywood would knock off the 3D gimmick. And for all of you assholes who were dumb enough to purchase a 3D flatscreen and a 3D Bluray player are gonna be so sorry when that shit breaks and you're stuck with a fucking television that has a really warped looking picture. "Who's stupid now ya dirty sheep fucker?!"
So, the action was pretty well choreographed, but there were points that looked extremely cheesey. I did however love the nod to Cap's original costume and shield with the war bonds getup. I think if we re-edit that scene with "America Fuck Yeah," from the Team America movie. In fact. pretty much this entire flick was a propaganda piece. Especially while we're again at war for some fucking stupid reason that doesn't involve our freedom being trounced. Cause then our military would be sitting out front of the Capitol building in Washington DC and they be under heavy mortar fire.
I dug the issuing of the new shield and the explanation of the Vibranium. I really dug the whole technology angle with Howard Stark. His armor and everything. It just looks so lame with the coloration on screen. It's one of those things I really don't think works in a real life type event. But that's also what makes the comics so special and fun to read.
The super high points of Captain America was seeing Dum Dum Dugan and how awesome Red Skull looked. Hugo Weaving is one of my favorite actors. Cause anyone who can be behind a mask for an entire movie, and still make for a compelling character is a stellar actor. I loved the end scene where the try and ease Cap into the 21st century. That was great. I really liked a lot when it comes to Captain America, although I've never been a reader or collector of Captain America comics. I just don't really like his as a character. And I totally empathize with the idea that there is no way the American government would ever test on a white soldier before testing on a black soldier like in Captain America The Truth or Red White and Black, whatever the fuck that mini series was called. But overall I would say it was just a lead in to the Avengers movie for next year. And anyone who would put this on their top movie list is a fucking idiot. It basically was just a movie made to have like 8 different Captain America action figures. It was a merchandising attempt and nothing more.
In doing so, I give this flick a grade it deserves, a match that has been added to two dvd comps for WWE. Bet Ladder Matches and Essential Starcade. And didn't deserve to be on either. It had so many missed spots and a really fucking lame ending. From the final Starcade in 2000, the three way tag team ladder match that had the winner being the single man, not team, who climbed the ladder and grabbed the contract for a Cruiserweight Championship match the following night on Nitro. Of course WCW had slipped so far off the deep end that I guess this match was supposed to be epic in scope, but pailed in comparison to the three way tag team ladder matches in the WWE that were being put together by the Hardy's, the Dudley's and Edge and Christian. 3 Count versus the Jung Dragons versus Karagias and Knoble was a trainwreck of a match. Missed spots. A really fucking lame ending where both members of 3 Count grabbed the contract at the same time. Plus the garish big lime green baggy pants 3 Count wrestled in were icing on the cake. I mean the announcing even sucked, as there was no Bobby The Brain Henan. But at least there was lovely little Kimona Wannalaya, as Leia Meow.

Batman Year One dvd; A Hardcore Review

2011-11-14T13:01:00.000-08:00

Wow. When I watched this, I was all psyched and motivated to let loose on one of Frank Miller's finest works. But mere days later, I'd sooner not piss on Miller were he on fire and I had just drunk a shit load of Pabst Blue Ribbon. Why'd Miller have to open his fucking mouth? Hello! Mr. "Comics are Renegade." You ain't so renegade now are ya. You joined that mighty 1% when you sold your soul and Will Eisner's legacy with that fucking horrible Spirit movie attempt. I would just call it a movie, but c'mon, let's be honest, it really wasn't. And for those of us who saw it, we sure as fuck can't UNSEE it. You who shit all over Brian Azzarello's Eisner Award acceptance speech cause he said, "fuck," in front of the venerable Mr. Eisner. A man like you, who's spent years shocking people with blood and guts, over the top violence and rampant sexism is offended when people begin taking to the streets in protest of what Corporate America is doing to Americans. You who say you're renegade, but you're scared of people voicing their disdain with corporate greed. and you call them, "louts, theives and rapists?" How so Frank. And I assume I can call you Frank cause well, I refuse to show you any sort of respect by calling you Mr. Douchebag. It's just like how America was founded Frank, you know, except without all that pesky, slavery and genocide. Well, onto the review I guess, I'll try and remain impartial here folks, but I am an artist and you know how off kiltered and emotional, louts we can be. busy thieving and raping our way up the food chain.
So, this is the modernization of the Batman. Taking him from the Golden Age of the 1940's to the much grimmer and more realistic 1980's. Jim Gordon, has transferred to Gotham City as their newest lieutenant. Meanwhile, Bruce Wayne has returned after a more than decade long self imposed exile. Planning on avenging the murder of his parents by taking on every badguy in Gotham, Wayne has everything he needs, technique, drive, money and motive. Everything that is, except the one thing he really needs.
Gordon spends his first days of the story babying his pregnant wife, and getting to know the "ins and outs" of being a cop in Gotham. And that entails finding out most of the payroll of Gotham City's finest is also on the payroll of some of Gotham City's worst and getting the shit kicked out of him, with baseball bats by said finest. Wayne spends his first few days back, getting the shit kicked out of him by some of Gotham City's not so finest citizens. Then, he sits in a big comfy chair and decides if he should ring the bell to summon his man servant, Alfred to sew up his wounds. All the while, he's talking to his dead father about what real strength is. And just then when he can't take it anymore, wouldn't you know it, a fucking bat flies through the window and sits on his father's head. Or at least the head of the bust of his father.
So I guess, even in a blood loss induced state, ol' Brucie was able to grasp the concept that nothing produces fear, like the threat of rabies. Or maybe it was sparkly vampires, I don't fucking know. Anyhow, this fucking movie rocked. Why the fuck was it in the kid's section at Target? Cause today's kids are so much more mature than you were when you were a tyke. But then again, when I was a kid, I used a little thing called my imagination, played outside a lot and oh yeah there were less obese children too. Shut your face fatty this is my review and I'll make fun of whoever the fuck I want. I already made fun of the middle aged white guy who's obviously wound a bit too tight.
I didn't go with the two disk dvd set of this flick, cause it included 2 or 3 Batman cartoons that were hosted by Bruce Timm. I no doubt already own those 2 or 3 cartoons, and have no doubt seen them about a hundred times before.
But this flick was a lot of fun. It wasn't panel for panel the Year One of old, but it was fucking nice. The design, tone of the flick really matched Mazuchelli's art from the book. The voice casting was great. I didn't mind that Kevin Conroy wasn't cast as Batman/Bruce Wayne cause it was fucking Year One and it wasn't quite time for the gravel voice, but past time for Christian Bale's guttural growl of, "What the fuck did you just say?" No, this was the perfect mix with Bryan Cranston's semi cranky Jim Gordon, Eliza Dushku's sexified Catwoman, and the veteran Jon Polito as Commissioner Loeb, with Ben McKenzie as Bruce Wayne/Batman. It made sense in a lot of different ways.
Gordon begins his meteoric climb towards becoming Commissioner, while Bruce dawns the cape and cowl, gets a television smashed over his head all in the process of honing his craft. The fight sequences were amazingly rendered, and had that quasi-retro feel to it. The color palette was spot on. The thing I did not care for, is the merging of 2D and 3D animation. I know it's easier at times with certain things, like vehicles, city scapes, but to me it takes away from the pure feel of the experience. Especially when it's a retro type flick. I mean if it was Green Lantern, I'd be all for it. But an 80's Batman cartoon, c'mon. You know it's gonna be the biggest DC cartoon feature released this year. You're gonna make your money back. Oh and stop farming your "in-betweens" to fucking Korea. Keep it here in the states. I swear, this is why Occupy Wallstreet is going on. There's tons of AMERICAN animators looking for work. Especially since that fucker Michael Eisner shut down Disney's 2D feature studios down a few years back. Although, with The Princess and the Frog, I guess they started it back up. But, direct to video super hero projects are becoming in vogue and very kitchie. We're all the 99% here Warner Brothers.
Honestly I'm really glad DC made this edgy cartoon movie. DC's cartoon features have been super successful in my opinion. Great direction, superb casting and some of the best mother fucking story writing and adaptions I have witnessed. With DC moving in this direction, it gives me confidence that they will eventually be able to adapt The Dark Knight Returns into an animated feature, not unlike they did for the short in BTAS, Legends of the Dark Knight. And again, as much as I love Kevin Conroy as the one true voice of Batman, the casting in that short of Michael Ironside as an aging Dark Knight was nothing short of perfect. Here's hoping DC.

I'm not gonna tell you how I fucking grade my Hardcore Reviews. The fucking grade should give you that inkling. That and the fact that I cuss a lot. But this comes from an early episode of Eastern Championship Wrestling on Sports Channel Philadelphia, or ECW Hardcore TV. A young JT Smith fought the The Dark Patriot, secretly the brother of "Hot Stuff" Eddie Gilbert, and member of Hot Stuff International and the newly reformed Dangerous Alliance. The match itself wasn't really anything special, but the end of it was fucking HARDCORE. The Dark Patriot and Smith fought up to the "eagle's nest" above the ECW Arena, where with a few powerful punches Smith is sent over the side, tumbling 15 feet to the cold arena floor.

Comics: The Three Stooges; A Hardcore Review

2011-11-14T11:52:00.001-08:00

It's tough to write a conclusive comic book story arc in six issues. So I can't imagine how difficult it must be to capture the life of a comedic legend, who's career spanned decades in just 24 pages, let alone FIVE. But that's what this book and it's creative team managed to do. And I know what you're thinking, "it says Three Stooges, not five." And you are so right, and wrong at the same time. Today the Hardcore Review is tackling three (five) lummoxes that were a comedy dynamo, Bluewater's Comics: The Three Stooges, which is the third issue of the Comics biographical series written by Jaymes Reed and drawn by issue one's Apriyadi Kusbiantoro. And recently, I have become a fan of the art of the documentary.
Reed again somehow does what might seem the impossible, to make people care about our history. And in a day and time when it's so fucking relevant to know about our past, we as a species, called Americans, seem to fall ever short. When we have a former comic book god like Frank Miller, bashing the Occupy Wallstreet movement, and even the Republican party silently gagging everytime Mitt Romney hits their tax payer funded flat screen televisions, we need to remember what it was to laugh. And I remember, like all of you, busting my sister on the head with a ferris wheel fist, or torquing someone's nose with a pair of pliers, that there was a comedy troupe that preceeded Kids in the Hall and Saturday Night Live. History my friends. And I am happy to report that I learned something. I know, learned something from comics. The fuck did I learn from comics other than Miller's illustrious word smitherie of, "I'm the goddamn Batman?" But I did. I found out a few things actually. First is Curly was NOT an original Three Stooge. That was Shemp. And another fancy tidbit, Shemp, Curly and Moe were brothers.
There was like only 2 word balloons in the entire book. Which, much like issue one about George Carlin was really not all that funny. The Stooges were born at the turn of the twentieth century. And it wasn't until after the Great Depression where they made their mark on not just the comedy world, but the entertainment world at large. And before when I said there were actually five Three Stooges, there were factually six, although Joe Besser, who was only known on screen as "Joe" was a very short lived career as a Stooge.
You know, the only complaint I think I even have about this book would be, I think I might have liked it even better in black and white. But that's only cause that's how I remember the Three Stooges. Well that and a better grad on my Reid Park Zoo project in design school. I did a Three Stooges parody piece that paraded the "Three Simians," with three different types of apes, with the classic Moe, Larry and Curly haircuts. Complete with the old school Three Stooges font and everything. But that's got nothing to do with Reed and Kusbiantoro's fine work here.
As some of you may know, and I'm seriously getting kinda fucking tired of reminding you, I don't review like some fat schlub from Chicago, or some pansy assed douchebag from some gossip rag piece of shit that spawned John Tesh. I don't even used a letter system, you know, like most of you got in remedial English. According to a friend, I am using "the lowest common denominator," but then again, according to me, I hate KISS and all they stand for. So here I go with my grade. The moment was something, nobody was ready for, and got somebody in a lot of trouble with his boss. In 1994, Mick Foley as Cactus Jack wrestled for WCW. When they established a shortlived relationship with the upstart ECW, Cactus wrestled Sabu in a dream match. Cactus lost, but not without delivering one of the most violent sounding chair shots I've ever heard, with a plastic fucking chair. And then afterward, Cactus delivered one of his most poignant promos ever, when he spit on the WCW World Tag Team title belt. This pissed off his boss, WOOOOOO, the man who would later call Foley nothing more than "a glorified stuntman," Ric Flair.

Strange dream

2011-11-04T18:54:00.000-07:00

Today I had a dream I took a road trip with one of my oldest friends, Crystal. For some reason we went to her father and grandfather who lived in a swamp in a makeshift home that was essentially a couple of small campers and rv's duct taped together.
For some odd reason I was wearing very large hiking/work boots and I wasn't able to hold them up, they were so heavy, as I dangled my legs over their living room sized deep fryer (possibly for the critters they were catching). Crystal's grandpa said he was going to the store and asked if I wanted something to drink. I said, "sure. how about a PBR, please?" He retorted by saying I needn't ask for something so inexpensive, and that in "this area Jeremiah Weed was the good stuff." I said, sure that's fine, and off he went. I don't remember much about the rest of that part of the dream, but then it got really weird. We went hunting, as was the point of the trip to see Crystal's family. It was really crazy. There was like a store where you went hunting. They had a miniature game preserve stocked with wild boar and pot bellied pigs. And they had a stock pile of guns. And I mean stock pile. Not being a hunter, and having never killed anything more than insects and spiders, I really didn't want to hunt. But they had an option for that. A ping pong ball rifle. So, I waded around this miniature, and I mean miniature, like as in Mini Golf, preserve shooting at pigs with my ping pong ball rifle. But even though it was loaded with ping pong balls, it shot paint balls. And for some reason the pigs would just stop and let me shoot them. Oh, yeah, there were chickens too.
After "hunting" I got these game codes that were good for prizes at the X-Box setup in the mall, and suddenly I was there attempting to pick out my goodies, except the fucking counter was closed down.
Fucking weird.

Showcase Presents Booster Gold vol. 1; A Hardcore Review

2011-11-04T09:33:00.001-07:00

What the fuck can I say about this mother fucker? 80's cheese? sure. But with some great writing and sweet art. Booster Gold is Michael Carter from the 25th Century. A former All-Everything quarterback for Gotham University, Booster had it all, potentially. But Booster lived most of his life in poverty, as his father had gambled away the family's life savings and then left afterward. Carter's mom and sister were all he had, and they lived in the ghetto. His only way out, make the big time through professional football. And he would have, if he could have just waited till he left school for the pros. But Michael's mother's health was failing, and without an operation, a very costly operation done in zero gravity, she was a goner. So Booster took on with the organized crime racket and started shaving points. He vowed never to throw a game, just make things work for those guys with crooked noses. And he got busted. Guess what kids, crime doesn't pay. Unless you're an "elected" official. Cause, then it pays up the ass. Thrown out of school and his professional status pretty much less than zero, Carter left home and took up a menial job as a night watchman of the Metropolis History Museum. With security bot, Skeets at his side, Booster recognized and incredible opportunity, steal some relics and travel back in time to become a super hero. A super hero with mega endorsement deals and movie contracts. He reprogrammed Skeets and did the deed.
Showcase Presents Booster Gold volume one is over 600 pages of "are you fucking kidding me?" But it's awesome. It didn't come highly recommended by my comic book dealer, as he reads everything that isn't television or movie related that comes into his shop (he did speak highly of Ambush Bug volume 1 though), but I decided to take a chance. I mean 600 plus pages for under twenty bucks is pretty fucking sweet. Especially if I enjoy the fuck out of it. AND I DID! For the most part Booster Gold was written with pencils by Dan "The Death of Superman" Jurgens and mostly having been inked by Mike DeCarlo, this tomb was amazing. So much better than volume one of Showcase Presents Green Lantern. Probably because it took place in the seriously fucked up 1980's instead of the seriously whacked out 1950's where every woman was supposed to be June Fucking Cleaver, but for some reason had a hardon for being married, even when they were an heiress to a multi-million dollar aircraft company (stupid bitch). i had fun the whole way through this ride. Jurgens knows how to craft a compelling story about an extremely vapid and superficial character. And some of the plot twists... totally fucked up.
The best part of the book had to be, straight man Skeets. Providing his knowledge of the verbal vernacular of the times to the woahfully wordless-smith Gold was hilarious. Correcting all of his misuses of 80's slang was hilarious. And it seriously rocked cause in my head I was hearing the voice of Skeets from the Justice League Unlimited cartoon who was voiced by Billy West (Futurama) while I read. And even though I was not reading comics in the 80's, this book definitely encompassed the idea of the 80's. Especially if you compare it to Brett Easton Ellis' American Psycho. There was a lot of materialism involved. Money grubbing and fame seeking, Booster Gold provided laughs, cheers, boos and even some sympathy along the way. His story reads like that of so many inner city youth who's only possible escape from poverty are sports, or illegal means. And in Gold's case, it turned out to be a little of both.
Booster Gold volume one had guest stars galore. The Legion of Superheroes made an appearance as Booster Gold tried to save the president from an assassination attempt. The Teen Titans, or at least Donna Troy showed up for like one fucking panel. Batman, Robin, Superman and the mid 80's incarnation of the Justice League showed up, which included Martian Manhunter, Blue Beetle, Rocket Red, a seriously 80's version of Black Canary and Guy Gardner, with amnesia. But it could have not had any of these other characters, and just included perrenial mort, Rainbow Raider, which was an awesome story by the way and an android Booster, which wouldn't have worked without Superman, and the Dimension X crew.
Honestly I do not know what the fuck I was expecting from this book, but I got more than I bargained for and I now include Booster Gold and Skeets among my favorite characters. Gold sought to be a super hero for all the wrong reasons, fame and money. But he ended up being a super hero none the less. With that, I give Showcase Presents Booster Gold volume 1 a train wreck of a debut as its grade; as it also included his first appearance and origin stories. In 1993, in ECW a wrestler debuted who was so unorthodox that the wrestling world was forever changed. "The most homicidal, suicidal, genocidal maniac known to man" appeared in the ECW Arena. Bound to a dolly with a chain, with his mouth covered like Hannibal Lecter, Sabu emerged. Throwing chairs and attacking fans, the man who was considered revolutionary among his peers, but never saw the coin he deserved, made his mark on American soil. Sabu went head to head with the relatively new wrestler, The Tazmaniac (Taz) in a match that saw slingshot leg drops, suicide dive planchas and Asai Moonsaults. In his ECW debut, under the guidance of manager hunter Q. Robins III and with his handler, 911, Sabu defeated Taz, the man he would eventually win the ECW tag team titles with, and main even the very first ECW pay per view against. "The human highlight reel of professional wrestling," and whirling dervish of the squared circle cemented his place in the annals of professional wrestling.

Seven Samurai; A Hardcore Review

2011-11-03T05:30:00.000-07:00

What comes to mind when you think of epic movies? What comes into your train of thought when you think the word, "epic?" Is it some shoddy spaghetti western? Some Peter Jackson adaption of a series of books? Or maybe a universe spanning crossover that forces you to buy thirty comics you don't really want in the first place? Well, to me, "epic" is three and a half hours of some of the greatest visual storytelling I've ever seen. Now, I'll be honest, I'm not nor have I ever really been a student of the "classics." I read Shakespeare only in class. Silver Age comics are a mind numbing bore into my skull. And the bible. Well, I've wanted to roll a few fatties with those pages. And I used to nod off during mass as a young teen. Now don't get me wrong. I feel one can have respect for the classics. For a legacy. But there comes a time in history, when super hero stories about a woman being trusted to run an aircraft company, who's more interested in tying the knot with a super hero she's met all of twice. And his alter ego who tries to out do his magic space ring wearing self with indulgences in chauvinism, who spews dialog that makes me want to tear my ears off, even though it's printed is just passe. But there are some things that truly transcend time, and history and most of all technology itself. And Akira Kurosawa's "Seven Samurai" is just one of those things. This movie has fucking everything. And to think it feels like it starts right smack in the middle of a plot point. This movie is something every director of so called cinematic masterpieces like, Jackson, Ridley Scott, Lucas and Bay need to learn from. It's called story, plot and pacing. Something Kurosawa did in spades with this flick.
You would think the name says it all. But the samurai are truly only half the story. The journey to find these seven noble warriors willing to risk their lives for people you wouldn't spit on. There is something to be said for honor. For pride. For just fucking doing what is right. And don't get me wrong, there are a lot of good people out there, who do good things and ask for very little in return. And quite often, they get just that; very little.
The samurai were of noble heritage. Think of the knights. And just like knights from Europe, most were drunkards, who pillaged and looted near empty villages and raped women and murdered children. It seems civility cannot be made by being born into nobility.
Kurosawa shot this film for release in 1954, six years before the release of The Magnificent Seven, which was an obvious remake. I've never seen that Steve McQueen movie, but I'm sure it's not nearly as majestic as Seven Samurai. You don't often get films like this these days that aren't bogged down with massive continuity problems, shot with million dollar equipment or CGI enhanced till it makes your fucking eyes bleed. Oh, fuck's sake help me, in 3D.... It's a gimmick Hollywood, just like foil enhanced covers for comics and gold stamped baseball cards. It does not substitute for quality. And it should never be mistaken for it either. Kurosawa had a vision that he launched into several epic in scope movies. Most of his films were remade by Hollywood into "color" spaghetti westerns. Complete with tough guys with no personality, who were almost villainous in character. Well, FUCK THAT! It's bullshit to rip off someone's idea and then not only NOT improve upon it, but make it that much worse. Well Kurosawa is the original. The guy who inspired those spaghettis westerns that inspired John Woo that "inspired" Tarantino, complete with lousy tough guys spouting a verbal diarrhetic of unintelligible jabber.
Some of you may know these reviews, and some of you may not. Well, a quick recap of my grading system. It's called the Hardcore Review for a reason. I cuss, I'm often drunk while writing them. And I use moments from professional wrestling history as a basis for my grade. The more hardcore, bloody, sexual the action; or awesomely fucked up the verbiage, the more I liked and heartily recommend this work. And here goes. In 1993 a small promotion in Pennsylvania took on a short lived relationship with an organization that had seemingly folded years before. Less than one year after that merger, there was a tournament to crown the new NWA World Heavyweight Champion. Now this didn't make much sense after WCW split from the NWA and crowned their own World Title, and the then WWF had had their version for years. But this little upstart company, that was making waves and with this moment solidified their mark in wrestling history. Shane Douglas won the two day tournament. And as he was presented with the newly minted NWA belt, he spoke a few words. He dedicated the win to his recently deceased father. He mentioned ever major champion in NWA history, even his much hated Ric Flair. And then... he threw down the belt and said, "And they can all kiss my ass!.... Cause I am not the man to be handed a torch from a company that died, RIP seven years ago! I am the man who ignites the new flame of THE SPORT of professional wrestling." He then grabbed the ECW (Eastern Championship Wrestling) Heavyweight Title and proclaimed himself the ECW World Heavyweight Champion.

My first fan letter? I guess...

2011-10-31T04:12:00.000-07:00

Dear Mr. Chihak,
I am a loyal fan of your art and have purchased a few issues of your series. I was wanting to purchase another book, titled Fuzzy Face. Unfortunately, the book wasn't in stock. I then settled for, Bed Head which unlike your other books, had no price printed on the cover. I was astounded to find out that it was being sold for, $10.00! I was willing to believe that it would be TWICE as good as your others, that I have bought for $5.00. Unfortunately I was appalled to discover the contents of Bed Head. Again unlike your other books, which have stories and plot lines, a mere collection of sketches that didn't meet my expectations or your quality of work. As a loyal fan I hope to hear from you soon.

Sincerly,
Branden Adams

My response to this, Is I do not know what to say. I mean it says Sketchbook right on the cover. SO it's not like I was false advertising or anything. Plus, I am pretty sure this guy bought the book at Safehouse, so he could have easily looked at the contents before buying it. I have not responded to this email, as I don't really know what I could say to him.

Zombie Tramp vol. 1; A Hardcore Review

2011-10-30T21:30:00.000-07:00

Recently, I ordered Dan Mendoza's Zombie Tramp volume one from Super Real Graphics. I follow Dan on DeviantArt and have been admiring his pics of the Zombie Tramp, Janey. It's actually a light hearted tale about Hollywood's best call girl, Janey. Her Madame, gets blackmailed by a crooked cop and is forced to send Janey to the cop's home. Janey gets forced into the basement where the crooked cop's son is waiting, and hungry. For some reason, the cop's son is a zombie and he takes a chunk out of Janey's supple bod. Afterward, Janey dies.... and re-emerges, with the help of the equally busty Zombie Voodoo Priestess, Xula as The Zombie Tramp, the hottest, not completely clothed, large breasted zombie EVER!
This book is fucking great. It's done mostly in black and white, with splashes of color, mostly red. But damn it's fucking great. Who doesn't love some scantily clad goodness with extra large jublies all around. And there is nudity. I was fucking waiting for that through the whole book. And Dan finally delivered at the very end of the book. Zombie or not, there's a ton of comic book fans, male and female who would risk their humanity for a piece of that ass. And Mendoza is working feverishly on volume two. More ultra large zombie titties, bouncing around as only saline can deliver.
Zombie Tramp reads, much like a late 80's early 90's really low rent zombie flicks. B-Horror is one of the all time best genres of movies ever. I mean look at the great things we've gotten from it: Bruce Campbell, a naked as fuck Linnea Quigley, Sam Raimi, Liam Neeson, Bruce Campbell's chin and so much more. And this whole concept is as fun and fucked as anything could possibly be.
Zombies have become a staple of pop culture. Here in Tucson, we have Zombie Walk, and there's a Zombie Ball, at Phoenix Con we get Zombie Prom and the Zombie Beauty Pageant. Zombies have taken the world by storm, something piss poor vampires never totally could. And Stephanie Meyer, if you ever think to write a story about sparkling zombies, I will find you and sing annoying songs at the top of my lungs until your ears bleed.
Now for the grade. As you may or may not know, I don't use some sort of lame thumbs up my ass, a piss poor letter or number grade. No, this is the mother fucking, original HARDCORE REVIEW. I only grade with hardcore moments in wrestling history. And this is not an exception to that rule. It was the very first episode of ECW on Sci-Fi, produced by the WWE. And I know, you're thinking nothing involving WWE's ECW was hardcore. But I hit you in the face with a steel chair with thumb tacks super glues to it. Listen up spunky, cause here we go. It's actually two moments from that initial show. The first being Paul Heyman's emergence and presentation of the new ECW World Heavyweight Championship belt to Rob Van Dam, who had just won the WWE Championship from John Cena at ECW's One Night Stand two nights before. When Heyman gives the belt to RVD, RVD says he's honored to have the belt he fought for in ECW for so many years. But he wants to keep the WWE Championship too. The quote is awesome, "Look, it spins!" God I loved that shit! The second part, was when a fucking zombie came out of the walkway and tried to cut a moaning promo in the middle of the ring. The crowd honestly didn't know what to think, when all of a sudden (not on television tho) "Enter Sandman" hits the PA system and the crowd fucking lost it. Sandman walks he way down to the ring, shotgunning beers the entire way. Stumbles over the barricade, slides into the ring and canes the holy fuck out of the zombie. They rigged the zombies shirt full of sawdust, so every time he got nailed, dust flew into the air and the crowd cheered as wrestling's Hardcore Icon beat the shit out of some poor sonofabitch who is probably a star now under Vince McMahon's infinite wisdom. Hope you enjoyed this review as much I enjoyed drinking while writing it.

We3; A Hardcore Review

2011-10-21T18:45:00.000-07:00

I finally just picked up Grant Morrison and Frank Quietly's We3. And it was worth the price of the deluxe edition hardcover graphic novel. Morrison's writing is as good as it's ever been in this tale of a government/military project to make animals into soldiers. Quietly's art style has never been better. And the extras show the massive amount of work that went into this insane project. Some people don't like the extras, the behind the scenes type stuff that artists and writers decide to add to the works. It's like a great movie on dvd or Bluray, with commentary and deleted scenes. We3 had everything you could want in an epic non-superhero story. This sci-fi story is up there with some of the greats, and has lurked its way onto my top five. Not an easy feat to accomplish.
Morrison is a sick sick man, with a penchant for writing some of the best fucking comics out there. Sure back in the early 2000's he supposedly retired after accusing the Waschowski brothers of stealing his idea for the Matrix. And even though, there were others who claimed the same thing, I am glad the Scottish scribe decided to come back to the table that fed him.
Quietly's artwork has always been amazing, but with this graphic novel, he pushes himself to the limits in his abilities. Quietly is a badass when it comes to rendering the emotions of the animals who are stolen from their homes and forced into a life of the service of a depraved military. Some, and reiterate, some of Quietly's humans look alike in their facial features. But the technology of the armor that We3 wear, and the animals themselves are amazingly rendered. When you look at the extras, Quietly worked himself to the utmost limits. The escape sequence, the cat fight sequence, and the CCTV pages were astounding. And with the extras you can see exactly how much time and work went into the project. I give Quietly the utmost kudos and mad props for his storytelling abilities. It is what all artists should aspire to.
It's interesting, since I recently reviewed Action Comics #1, where Morrison was accused of being anti-Christian when Supes uttered a gutteral moan that some moronic right wing, god fearing asshole called for a boycott. Morrison weaved a solid tale that is a super quick read, but with all of Quietly's quality linework and the amazing digital inks and colors make you want to take you sweet fucking time making your way through this book. I cannot stress enough, just how much I enjoyed We3. I am an animal lover, and I own three small dogs. So watching the military adaptation about these animals being experimented on was really tough on me. But hearing them talk to each other and the way they communicated in "text" speak was pretty hilarious.
The battle sequences were majestic in scope and Quietly does an amazing job with those sequences. His attention to detail is nothing short of top quality. This book is so fucking amazing that mere words cannot do it justice. You have to see and read it to believe it. So amazing in fact that it's notched its way into my top five favorite comic book stories of all time with the likes of Teenagers from Mars and Bone. That's pretty high praise fellas.
Morrison and Quietly are the perfect creative team. And in keeping with the tradition of great teams I am grading this with one with my favorite tag team of all time, ECW's The Eliminators. John Kronus and Perry Saturn took on all comers in their battles for the World Tag Team Titles. And they had some legendary matches. One of the most remembered matches took place in the vaunted ECW Arena where The Eliminators sought to take on the best in the world, when they fought the incomparable, and greatest American tag team ever to wrestle in Japan, Terry "Bam Bam" Gordy and "Doctor Death" Steve Williams. The match itself wasn't anything spectacular. It was a great match, with all four wrestlers putting out max effort, but it was the finale that put it over the top, and landed Saturn and Gordy in the hospital. For later that night, Tommy Dreamer would meet Brian Lee in the finale to their monster feud in a scaffold match.... Saturn, took the opportunity to use the scaffold to drop the monster elbow from the rafter of the ECW Arena. The elbow hit Gordy square and left both men needing paramedic assistance to get out of the ring.

X-Men First Class; A Hardcore Review

2011-10-19T15:06:00.000-07:00

"Go fuck yourselves!" The single greatest line Wolverine has ever uttered... EVER! But why Wolverine can say "fuck" and Mystique has no visible nipples confounds me. But back to the point. Wait, what was the fucking point? Oh, right, First Class, with characters who didn't show up until like a few years ago. Great continuity job there guys. Look I hate the concept of reboots. But I hate the concept of shitty reboots even more. And when there is only ONE original X-Man in the FIRST CLASS, there's gonna be a problem. But down deep, this was a good movie. A really good movie. I wanted to hate it. And believe me, I got my moments, which I will fully blast later, but this was a solid flick. I loved that they used footage from the first X-Men movie when Magneto's powers first manifested. And I loved how Shaw used Magneto as a test case, and brought the source of his powers out. It was AWESOME! Plus, Kevin Bacon's German, and Russian were great. Not that I speak either language. I mean, let's be honest, I can barely handle English or American, but whatever you wanna call it.
Magneto's journey of vengeance was flat out, very well done. And done with such fervor and rage, it was fucking believable. That's what I liked about it. But to balance out Magneto's anger, was Charles Xavier's serenity. Somehow, knowing all these people hate him and want him dead, even after all his team did, he still wanted to make the world better by just blending in. Magneto did, at the end, bring out the Malcolm X to Xavier's Martin Luther King Jr. It made sense. And fusing it with actual history, including the Cold War and the Cuban Missile Crisis was super well done. I have been super impressed with this and one other film that melded with American history and used it so well, by integrating it with the story. Surprisingly well done. I dug the cast of characters, for the most part. And of course like any sci-fi movie, the black guy died first. At least it wasn't on accident so the two estranged white people got to live, but the whole team. And he made that choice to try and help defeat Shaw and his ripoff Nightcrawler. But what the fuck was a go-go dancing stripper named who had DRAGONFLY tattoos on her back called Angel for? And how many women, in 1962, even a stripper, had huge fucking wings tattooed on there backs? One of the worst keeping with the 60's motif in the movie. That and the fact that the white and black mutants got along. C'mon, there wasn't any tension between them. But there was issues with Hank McCoy who had weird feet? What the fuck? Oh, and then when he transforms he becomes unable to make his mouth move in accordance with his speech. And he didn't get any bigger body wise, but his head grew EIGHT sizes that day. And while I am on the subject of Beast, if he did become more animalistic in nature, than wouldn't he lose the need for glasses? He would have predator eyes.
But back to the good. The search for the mutants. Man, the fucking cameo of Wolverine was CLASSIC!
Xavier: "Hi, I'm Charles Xavier and this is-"
Wolverine: "Go fuck yourselves!"
Xavier: "Alrighty then..... Eric, I think I just wet me britches a smidge."
Why was a 16 year old in solitary confinement and he wasn't all scary or crazy. I mean he was antisocial, but not hardcore about it. You know, I never liked White Queen all that much, but GODDAMN January Jones has got a set of titties on her. And she's like what a buck five, with tits that make her a buck fifteen. The diamond effect was cool. And even though he was a Nightcrawler knock off, Azazel had his moments. He was cool looking, but I dunno, I just love Crawler so much, that I couldn't like him at all. Although the way he used his power was pretty badass. But the pretty much unlimited teleportation range was a fucking bit much. And what was the point of Angel? Dude, there was like the most useless character. But she lives, cause she's hot and I guess only half black or Asian. And the full on negro bites the dust, by getting exploded from the inside. And by the guy who used to be the Nazi official.... do tell.
This movie was cool for the most part in my mind because of the mutant searching, the training and Magneto's search for revenge. Those are elements that made for a great new beginning. And Xavier and Mystique's relationship was really cool. Knowing that even in the end when he told her to go with Magneto, he wasn't reading her mind. Oh, and how come Xavier has to touch his temple to activate his powers? And why does Magneto need to motion towards the object he is manipulating? I understand it when he's still learning to use his power. But Emma Frost didn't have to do that. Shaw sorta did, but he was absorbing and expelling energy.
The breakdown of the first big battle and the training sequences alone made this flick for me. Sure there were parts that sucked, but with most comic book movies is to hope that they get the spirit of the characters correctly and the story makes sense and is epic in a way. Solid story, really good cast. Using a lot of unknown and lesser used actors, solid effects and mostly great characters.... X-Men First Class was a great reboot. And I never thought I would hear myself say that. Then again I never thought I would cheer a Wolverine one liner either.
If you're just tuning in, the Hardcore Review doesn't use thumbs, letters, numbers or even a hefty, nifty little shiny one liner for the movie poster or dvd slip case. I use hardcore moments in wrestling history as a basis for my grades. If the review is favorable, expect, foul language, sex, blood and more. If it sucks, expect Hulk Hogan. The moment I harken back to is from 1997. Triple H, who was then Hunter Hearst Helmsley was embroiled in a battle with Mankind. But the feud grew to the point that Mankind enlisted the friend of his old alter ego, Cactus Jack. Triple H and Cactus battled in a hardcore match with weapons and total violence, just when the then World Wrestling Federation began to enter the "Attitude Era." It was Monday Night Raw and the final moment of the match resulted in Cactus Jack doing something that very well may never have been done in the WWF until that point.... he piledrived Triple H through a table on the Titantron entrance ramp. The table wasn't the regular folding table used now, this was a rough, raw wood table that was probably from the 80's. I'm surprised Triple H survived to become the 10 time champion, and man who three years later "retire" Mick Foley as Cactus Jack.

Red State; A Hardcore Review

2011-10-19T13:53:00.001-07:00

I know I said I would be back on a more regular basis with these reviews, but, honestly, I've been slacking. Last night, I watched Kevin Smith's Red State. I had to say, going in, I had no idea about what this flick was all about. Reading the short synopsis on imdb.com I was really interested. Knowing Smith stepped out of his comfort zone of comedy and dick and fart jokes had me interested, but slightly concerned. I, like many of you, I love his work and his style of monologue type dialog. But, even without seeing one frame, I was impressed. It's not easy to step away from what's worked for you. And a lot of people don't respond well to it when you do. But Red State started out with me going, "What the fuck?" and not ceasing to be impressed until the credits rolled.
Red State is the tale of a trio of high school friends who seek sex via the internet. While on their drunken journey to nearby Cooper's Dell, the trio side swipe a parked car that has two dudes going at it in the front seat. The group flee the scene and make their way to a single wide trailer that houses a middle aged woman waiting for their hard cocks. Or so they thought. After downing a few beers provided by the anonymous cock hound cougar, the trio find themselves waking up, bound, one in a dog kennel, the other two in the small crawl space of a church of a group of insane Right Wing, uber conservative Christians who not only loathe extra/premarital and homosexual sex, but picket the funerals of homosexuals and deviants alike, they are also armed to the fucking teeth with automatic weapons to bring about their crusade against the profane. But in addition to that, we learn that they have also been responsible for the murder of at least one young man from the nearby town where the high school boys are from. The kid in the kennel witnesses the execution of a man who has been bound in shrink wrap and his mouth stuffed with an S&M ball gag. Strange that a conservative group would have access to this type of accouterments. We learn that the group, The Five Points Baptist Church, has been using the internet to lure deviants to their doom. And I say deviants from their point of view. I could care less if someone wants to have sex with a man or a woman, married, single, extra marital, premarital or otherwise.
This movie gets dark quick, as the man is tied to a cross at the front of the church. The preacher, identified by his followers as "Daddy" and "grandpa," orders the young members to leave the room before they wrap the man's face and head and then blow his brains out. How, noble and righteous. You'll brainwash them to hate and they're probably inbreeding, but witnessing executions is FOR ADULTS ONLY. Apparently, even righteousness has it's limits. But go figure, cause in just a few years, those kids are going to be taking the reigns as handed down to them by their fucked up parents.
The group grabs the young man out of the kennel, and begins wrapping him up, binding him to the same cross. Down below in the crawl space, the two remaining friends escape using bone shards from the recently killed man who was dropped down into the little room. It gets seriously insane from here, when one of the kids finds the weapons stash and all hell breaks loose.
I really wanna tell you what happens, but I know I gotta save it for those of you who have yet to see it. And I highly recommend this flick. It is more fucked up than a donkey show with a chubby man giving that ass a sloppy blowjob. You probably never thought Smith would be able to top those antics, or getting a chubby Seth Rogen to disrobe on screen or a woman to blow bubbles with her twat. BUT HE DID! And Smith made such a great showing for himself with this coup de gras of bringing down the walls around psychotic Christian fundamentalists. Smith, as you may know, is a Catholic, although he is not devout, or practicing. He made Dogma and was smoten by Catholics who never dared step foot into the theatre to witness as he poked fun on his own faith. How might the insanely zealotous Right Wing population respond to this slap in the face? It's interesting, cause for people who love publicity and are righteous sure seem to shy away from stuff like this. They claim this isn't how they view the world, while they picket funerals, planned parenthood clinics and openly question the morality of other religious groups that have equally opposing views. Strange, cause they hate people like me, an educated, Atheist who believes in himself and thinks for himself, but you'd never see me waging war on a group of people, race, religion, gender or sexuality based. Atheists just don't do shit like that. Cause we don't put our faith into something that can't be proven or substantiated, that would have us kill our own son or massacre a people cause they were exploring their sexuality. Movies like this get me thinking and also get me mad. Cause it shows the extreme side to a belief structure that is based on the so called word of God, that was interpreted by man. And man is, in god's eyes, fallible. So, no doubt the words got fucking misinterpreted. Hmmm. makes me think this sounds like the people who read a book and take it as fact. Eisner, I hate Twilight fans. And I seriously don't understand how someone would honestly believe that a god that was once very pissy and egotistical would suddenly change his ways once he impregnates a thirteen year old girl. Or at least a portion of him did so. Cause not only is god god, but god is also Jesus AND the holy spirit? How the fuck is that possible? Oh and if god has always been, then why'd it take god so long to create the heaven and universe?
Enough soapboxing. This movie kicked all kinds of ass. Smith took his work to the next level, by moving completely out of his comfort zone. I have been a fan of Kevin Smith's work since Clerks, but recently, even being a fan, have admitted he is overrated. Perhaps one of the most overrated directors in Hollywood, along with Tarantino, Rodriguez, Peter Jackson, George Lucas and Shyamalan. But with this effort, Smith has far removed himself from that group and although he had it before, garnered even more respect from me. Fuckin' A I like it!
As you may or may not know, if you're not a follower of the Hardcore Review, I rate my reviews a bit differently than most. I don't give a shitty letter, number, a percentage or some stupid, overdone and easily identifiable, and without effort grade. No, here at the mother fucking ORIGINAL Hardcore Review I base my review upon hardcore moments in professional wrestling history. The more hardcore, blood filled and insane the moment, the more I fucking liked whatever the hell I am grading. And with this movie, I feel it deserves an equally controversial moment from the annals of wrestling history. It was the heyday of ECW. And the during the height of the Sandman/ Raven feud. Raven, kidnapped and brainwashed Sandman's wife and son. But that wasn't the ultimate. Raven attacks Sandman, and then with the help of Super Nova, Blue Meanie and Stevie Richards, CRUCIFIED Sandman. This moment left announcer Joey Styles speechless, and the crowd silent and visibly upset. With the heat from the moment and threats of a lawsuit from potential roster member Kurt Angle, Paul Heyman made Scotty Levy (Raven) go out and apologize to the crowd for offending them and bring up religious iconography. Which was hilarious in it's own right. Cause Raven admits, that he went out there with orders to make a sincere apology. Raven states that he did his best to make a sincerely insincere apology. All, I ask is that Smith never fucking apologize for his work. Well maybe Chasing Amy, but not Red State. If he does, I'll fucking make him fly Southwest AGAIN!.... if you know what I mean.

Action Comics #1: A Hardcore Review

2011-09-10T08:21:00.000-07:00

I haven't reviewed anything as of late, due to being busy with the Fuzzyface campaign. But I am back and will be dropping reviews at a better rate than I have been. I just read Action Comics yesterday right as the rain hit this much needed city. I didn't pick it up cause of hyper or cause It was a number one or part of the relaunch. I've actually never read all that many Superman comics, surprisingly. But there was a story leaked onto Bleeding Cool that had me interested. Apparently a comic book retailer in North Carolina, cause it's never a state where people outnumber rednecks, has begun a boycotting of all things written by Grant Morrison. His reasoning? During a battle scene with tanks, a young Superman lets out an onomonopia in the form of two letters, GD. Now, this clever man, I can only assume it was a man, cause I've never met a woman who was this quick to jump to a religious conclusion, is boycotting Grant Morrison cause in his words "this is a slap in the face to Christians everywhere." I dunno, I get hit in the stomach by a fucking tank and I'm gonna be letting out a lot more than a small sound that is to most people just a sound. I'll be cursing the fucking heavens and blasting god for allowing people like this to exist. Now let me be clear, I am an Atheist. Why? Cause shit like this is fucking stupid. You don't see Atheists calling for boycotts of stuff that merely mentions belief or some sort of deity. There are those of us who won't stand for the Pledge of Allegiance, or for school prayer because of the mention of god being involved. Not Christians, and it only seems to be Christians, never Jews, or Muslims or even Buddhists seem to give a shit about someone not wanting to stand. Cause it's a choice. Religion has been used to intimidate and obliterate people from the face of the Earth for a belief. Not concrete proof, but belief. That just seems more ignorant that spiritual to me, and I'M AN ATHEIST!
So anyway, back to the comic at large. This was my first issue of any of the new 52 from DC Comics. And I have to say it did not disappoint. Grant Morrison wrote a fantastic first tale of young big blue, who with Rags Morales doing the art looks like he's young enough to be a freshman in college. This book was put together from front to back cover and I can honestly say that reading Action #1 I have not been this excited for comics since my characters Nash and Kyle appeared in the pages of Jimmie Robinson's Bomb Queen a few years ago. I have loaded my pull list with various new DC stuff, including Deathstroke, cause he's fucking Deathstroke, Red Lanterns, Wonder Woman, Catwoman, Batman and Robin and Nightwing. Based on the creative teams working on the titles. But mostly the writing. As visual as I am, it's the writing that is getting my goat lately. I want to learn to be a better writer, so why not read the best in the industry right now, and right now, they're all at DC headquarters.
This book kicked all kinds of ass, and if it pissed off some right wing religious nazi at the same time, even better. Cause you're in the wrong business pal. If you wanted to see oppression and not let people have free speech, go to Capitol Hill for the next year. I'm not a big fan of retconning stuff. I mean if you don't want to use a part of a character's history, just don't. But to redo the entire thing just to start clean seems kind of strange. I mean we as people don't get to do that, even though a lot of us would like to. Keep the flaws. The bad stories, the cheesey gimmicks, the universe changing crossovers. That's what makes these characters a bit more able to be related to. Even though, the current story idea have them set at new beginnings where they are younger, going to make more mistakes and a bit more human. I am super excited to have read my first Supes comic in years. It made all sorts of sense and even reintroduced a Lex Luthor, who's reasons for wanting to destroy Superman in the past never surfaced in my mind, but lets it be known that this could be the undoing of the human species if Supes is let to roam free. And IT MADE SENSE! Also look for a younger Jimmie Olsen and a twenty something Lois Lane, who has always been my idea of a strong woman who gets the job done.
Action Comics #1 will, like every other project being reviewed be graded on hardcore moments in wrestling history. This harkens back to Wrestlemania 18. Icon versus Icon. Hogan versus the Rock. And this was an extremely amazing match. Hogan had a great match, probably cause he was partnered up with the Rock who is one of the best ever. But this match drained the crowd and had multiple match stopping chants of "Rocky" and "Hogan." It was everything you want from a dream match. And it worked on so many levels. Now, I'm not a fan of giving Hogan any kind of credit when it comes to memorable moments in wrestling history, but this match delivered. Finishing with a huge People's Elbow, Rock took out the legend and then showed respect to Hogan and the fans by letting the old man pose a few more times. Even I got chills, and I fucking hate Hogan.

FUZZYFACE OR DIE!

2011-09-08T12:12:00.001-07:00

Ok, here's the deal. We have TEN days to make our goal of only $3,500 to reprint Fuzzyface. It's an attainable goal, in that we'll be able to reprint over 1,000 copies of the book. We're only at 10% right now, but I know if everyone who loves indie comics and loves horror movies chips in, we can do it. I just want the chance to bring Fuzzyface to the masses.

Fuzzyface is the best comic I've ever worked on. And I believe in this project so much that I will cut my pigtails off if we reach our goal. But only if you, the readers help. It's been a rough, crazy road. Without a map or gps. And I know I jumped the gun when I launched the project. But don't make Fuzzyface suffer. Let the word be heard. It's a great book. The best horror comic in the business. Everyone who has read it has loved it. And since we sold out, I figured we needed to do it again. This time bigger and better. A prologue, epilogue, new pinups, new covers. The artwork will be gray scaled. It's gonna be amazing, but only if the fans get behind it. Here's the link. We know you won't regret making this pledge.

Kickstarter campaign
Support small press. FUZZYFACE OR DIE!

Fuzzyface campaign LAUNCHED!

2011-08-19T20:37:00.001-07:00

Ladies and gentlemen. I give you the link to which you can now "back" out Kickstarter campaign to get Fuzzyface reprinted.
Fuzzyface on Kickstarter
We're super happy about the amount of support we've already gotten. So please, let people know about this. Tweet it, facebook it, Google+ it, myspace it, sky write it, graffiti it all over the place. We have 30 days to make our humble goal of $3,500. If we raise that much or more, we can do a massive reprint. If not, without your support I'll have to start whoring myself out on the streets. The economy sucks here in Tucson, you know how many "handies" that would take? Don't make me do it folks. Don't make me bust out the Jergens.

REPRINT FUZZYFACE on KICKSTARTER.COM

2011-08-18T21:47:00.000-07:00

Hey all,
I am about to launch my campaign on kickstarter.com tomorrow to fund the reprinting of the the original graphic novel from Anti-Hero Brand Press, Fuzzyface: The Agnew Chainsaw Massacre 3.
Our funding goal is $3,500 in 30 days. This will give us the necessary funds to print 1,000 copies of the book with added features, print up postcards and buttons. If we exceed our goal, then we'll shoot for hardcover copies of the book, con appearances and other sweet promotional items.
Without you spreading the word about the gospel that is Fuzzyface, we may not make our goal. What I hope, is that even if you cannot fund the project, that you will facebook your friends. Write to local newspapers, and tweet about the project including links to the kickstarter page so people can get in on the action. Kickstarter is a great source not just for funding worthy projects, but promotion and networking. So please, feel free to use the images I am including here and in the press release I will also submit to my blog, a little bit later. Hell, copy and paste that fucker wherever you can.
Everyone who has read Fuzzyface has loved it. Venus of Necro did a fabulous job writing this epic tale of one deranged, puppetcidal little fuzzball with a chainsaw. But, Fuzzyface is a love story at heart. And I know the more people we get into this, the more will love the jokes, the comedy and tribute to Jim Henson and Tobe Hooper. Fuzzyface in a few words is, "Texas Chain Saw Massacre meets The Muppets." It's never been done before. It's the greatest combo since peanut butter and jelly, peanut butter and chocolate, bacon and eggs, bacon and bacon. It's that damn good. And I am damn proud that I have worked on a project this fun and successful.
LET'S DO THIS!

Water Baby: A Hardcore Review

2011-07-30T03:45:00.000-07:00

Written and drawn by Ross Campbell the same guy who does the amazing book, Wet Moon, for Minx. Minx was DC's attempt at attracting more female readers by tapping some of the industries best independent creators for a handful of really fucking awesome digest sized books.
Water Baby is the story of a young surfer who during a set gets attacked by a shark and loses her leg as a result. The story jumps forward several months where Brody is refusing to wear her prosthetic leg and now has a roommate in her best friend Louisa who has been tapped with the job of watching after Brody during this difficult time in her life. Brody is a tattooed, pierced tomboy hottie. Louisa is a little more laid back and feminine. Brody has dreams about shark attacks that become reminiscent of a Salvidor Dahli painting is it's obscurity and abstractness.
Brody's ex, Jake shows up one day saying her mom said he could stay with the duo. Brody's been trying to get over Jake, who never even wrote or stopped by during Brody's rehab or hospital stay. The next several weeks, that was only supposed to last a few days, Jake spends on the couch vegging out and not getting a job, eating all the ice cream sandwiches. This reminded me of my mom's second husband, who got fired from his job shortly after the wedding and then refused to get another, eating all the ice cream sandwiches and throwing away my stuffed animals. He was a 'Nam vet who had a drug habit. Mom didn't let that last too long tho. Brody on the other hand let's Jake just loaf and not do shit. The tool even brings some piece of jail bate to the house and almost gets laid before being caught by Brody and Louisa. Jake gets wasted one night, throwing up all over the couch and living room. To which Brody calls enough, steals her mom's car and her, Louisa and Jake are off the New York to drop Jake off at his folks'.
The road trip yields some unplanned results, including the car being stolen and Jake picking up on some other piece of jail bate at a diner. The girl ends up riding with the trio. Finally reaching their destination, Jake is dropped off and Louisa and Brody begin their long journey back to Florida where it all began.
This book had a lot of the great qualities that made me like Wet Moon, Campbell's other solo book series. But there was some stuff I didn't care for. Ross does an amazing job with facial expressions. However his lack of diversity when rendering males or seriously butch chicks is a bit frustrating. However both Brody and Louisa were wholly original in their appearances. Especially with all the ink Brody sports. Water Baby is an awesome ride, with some unforgettable characters, with the exception of Jake. But there's always got to be in order to make you love the other characters even more than you would if all the characters were equally cool.
The book fires on seven of eight cylinders. And for sheer purposes of this review, as it pertains to hardcore moments in wrestling history, I take you back to 2001. Shortly after both ECW and WCW had gone out of business. One night on Raw, during a WWF vs. WCW match Kane and Jericho took on the Awesome Mike Awesome and Lance Storm. During the match two guys jump the railing and with Storm and Awesome take out Jericho and Kane. The two are revealed to be Rob Van Dam and Tommy Dreamer. To the rescue of the WWF superstars runs out the B team of the WWF. They face off with Kane and Y2J against the four invaders. However you realize something is off. And then it hits you. The remaining six guys are the Dudley Boys, Rhino, Raven, Taz and Justin Credible. All ECW guys. The brawl starts as the group of ten begins destroying Jericho and Kane. All topped by Paul Heyman on color saying, "I want you to remember this moment." Takes off his headset and climbs into the ring proclaiming the ECW is invading.

Elephantmen vol. 1; A Hardcore Review

2011-07-01T04:06:00.000-07:00

"Part Blade Runner... part We3... completely AWESOME!" In all honesty, this is not a fair comparison, cause I have yet to read We3. But this book was completely fucking amazing.
Look, I know like many of you, the amazing lettering the Richard Starkings and Comic Craft have done in the past decade or more of comics. And I also know that Starkings began the Hip Flask mini stories as a way to promote Comic Craft's superb abilities. But was anyone expecting the full on dynamic characters, the sweet lineup of artists who would handle the art chores and the flat out amazing story that would come of it? Elephantmen is a superior comic on so many levels. The concept is hundreds of years in the future, a geneticist named Dorctor Kazushi Nikken, under the auspices of MAPPO splices animal genes and then places the embryos into host human females. The result was humanoid hippos, alligators, rhinos and more, all created for the sole purpose of war. MAPPO controlled every aspect of the creature's lives, including education, training and making the creatures including Hip Flask and Ebony completely dependent on them.
The creatures attempts at acclimating to society after their trials are staggering. For the most part, the humans reject them. So much so that like in our country, they have enacted laws to stop people from marrying the mutant creatures. That is until a young woman named Sahara, who's own mother was kidnapped from an African village and forced into being a host for Doctor Nikken's insane experiment, falls in love with an Elephantman named Obadiah. Obadiah is probably, at least in volume one, the most powerful of the Elephantmen, and seems to be involved with some shady customers. The engagement of Obadiah and Sahara made national news, prompting bigotry and outrage from some people, sort of like same sex marriages seem to do the same now.
Doctor Nikken acted as if he were god, under the hood of an evil multinational corporation. The voice heard by the young animal/human hybrids was always Nikken's. Warning them that they were created as inferior to humans, but MAPPO made them stronger. MAPPO sent these Elephantmen out on warpaths, destroying cities and maiming and massacring people. It's no wonder that people feared these behemoths.
In all, like with groups of people who are almost wholly distrusted by society today, not all of the Elephantmen are bad, or have bad intentions. Most of them just want to exist somewhat unnoticed by the masses. Something that is very hard to do when you're nine feet tall with gray skin and a trunk.
Elephantmen was something I picked up after meeting Richard Starkings at last year's San Diego Comic Con. I got a free copy of issue one, which had some amazing artwork, including the superstar cover art. Took pics of the Sky Cab cutie, complete with window pane top. And watched a friend pick up all three collected hardcover volumes. It took me almost a year, but I finally got my own volume one at Charlies Comics right here in Tucson. The money I spent on it was more than worth it. A massive phone book sized compilation of the first seven issues, plus issue 0 AND all of the covers; back stories, sketches and more. Elephantmen is an excellent read and a great play on current events and how they might unfold. I give this awesome book something very suitable in the annals of wrestling history... The WWF's annual tournament event that culminated with the June pay per view King of the Ring. The two combatants who made it to the finals were the staunch veteran, Jake "The Snake" Roberts and the young, brash upstart who was told just a year earlier that he would never make it past mid card status and couldn't make a career out of wearing black trunks and black boots to the ring, "Stone Cold" Steve Austin. Roberts had a busted up set of ribs, and Austin had just returned from the hospital after getting his lip stitched shut caused in a previous match that night. Immediately Austin went for the ribs with such gusto that it caused then Commissioner Gorilla Monsoon to break up the fracas just long enough for Roberts to gain the upper hand. But in true "Rattlesnake" style Austin sent the veteran crumbling to the mat with a Stone Cold Stunner. Following the match came possibly the most famous words ever uttered in a promo. As a broken Jake Roberts was helped back to the locker room, Austin began running his mouth in what would be the first of many amazing Stone Cold promos in the WWF/E. "You thump your bible. You talk about your Psalms. You talk about John 3:16. Well Austin 3:16 says, 'I just whipped your ass!"

The Crow Wicked Prayer; A Hardcore Review

2011-06-23T20:42:00.000-07:00

"Better than the original," and "Greatest goodguy badguy banter this side of a Spider-Man comic," ARE NOT THINGS YOU WILL HEAR IN THIS REVIEW! There is little I enjoy more than destroying something via Hardcore Review. I can use words no one would associate with the project being reviewed. And be as verbose as I want and those of you who read this will salivate like the proverbial Pavlov's dog.
Cause I am fucking honest to a beat down truth. I'm ruthless when it comes to reviewing shit I don't like. And this is gonna be one of those reviews. So, let's get past the greeting and intro and get into the steaming pile of shit that wouldn't be able to fertilize a lawn. Yeah, it's that bad.
First of all to try and sell a movie to potential fans with Edward Furlong, Tara Reid and David "Angel" Boreanaz is your first, second and third mistakes. If it were a felony to cast shitty actors, and it should be, the casting director and director should be in prison without the possibility of parole. I would change my stance on the death penalty for this one folks. There were two possible good points to this utter episiotomy of two hours of my life, Tito "The Huntington Beach Badboy" Ortiz and Danny Trejo, and both were cast to NOT play themselves and fell flat on their faces. Who the fuck casts Danny Trejo to act? Even his cousin doesn't attempt that.
The fact that the hero was five foot nothing and then they tried to spin this whole massive fail of overacting, and tough guy gothitude, not only didn't work, I was actually hoping there was gonna be a repeat of the first movie. No goth is tough. They all sit at home, write shitty poetry in black ink on black notebook paper while listening to either shitty music that makes your ears bleed or 80's (which honestly isn't all bad, but the stuff they stomp dance to sure as fuck is) and cut themselves with their ceremonial fantasy daggers that are laden with crystal balls and dragon handles, they bought online while wearing black vinyl they got at Hot Topic. These people are people I laughed at ten years ago when it was in vogue, and now, I just feel sorry for you that you haven't gone on to the next fad. Especially since most of you haven't bothered to STOP eating or START working out as you've grown ancient.
David Boreanaz as the "satanic biker cult leader," WHEN THERE WASN'T A FUCKING MOTORCYCLE IN THE ENTIRE FUCKING MOVIE! And you gave Tara Reid a speaking role? Who the fuck are you trying to pander to? Cause it wasn't someone who enjoys thinking, or being even remotely entertained.
I've had bowel movements that were more pleasant than listening to the dialog in this piece. I mean to me, James O'Barr is a one hit wonder when it comes to comics, but at least he's had the decency to stay out of the spotlight when he has nothing interesting to say. That guy looked so on edge during his interview on the two disc collector's edition of the original The Crow, that he probably would have strangled his wife and then blown his own head off if he had seen this.
But then, there was the very last possible saving grace, and that was Dennis "PABST BLUE RIBBON" Hopper in one of the final scenes where a Las Vegas style goth Boreanaz shows up to marry Reid's character and all we get is this drivel dialog with Hopper spouting hip hop phrases while conducting the marriage vows. I could barely stomach this, but then again, I already awarded the vaunted Hogan "leg drop" as a grade so, nothing could ever be quite THAT bad. Right?
In terms of this being HARDCORE, here's my take on it. Sid Vicious, when he was Sycho Sid in the WWF, SHITTING HIMSELF during a match with the Undertaker. That's how hardcore this bowel movement was.

Hitting Phoenix ComiCon!

2011-05-25T12:19:00.001-07:00

This weekend, May 26-29 I will be at Phoenix ComiCon at booth #681 across from the AZ Ghostbusters exhibit. There's a lot of great stuff to be had at my booth:

Bedhead; The Book of Grrry; Fuzzyface; Youth in Asia and Got Crayons? The Adventures of Agnew Colouring Book. In addition to these books, I will also be selling Agnew "chainsaw" t-shirts and two of the last three mini Agnew's I have left.
Are you looking for original art, I am going to be doing sketchcards starting at $5 and 8.5X11" commissions starting at just $20.

Spend $20 at my booth and get a free Agnew "chainsaw" t-shirt (sizes are limited to stock on hand)
I will also be offering a couple of package deals:
Get both Bedhead ($10) and Fuzzyface ($12) for just $20, which would qualify for the free Agnew shirt and save two dollars

Get both Bedhead ($10) and the Book of Grrry ($5) for only $12... save five bucks

Get both a mini Agnew ($25) and Fuzzyface ($12) for only $30... saving seven bucks

Price list:
Mini Agnews... $25
Fuzzyface... $12
Bedhead... $10
Book of Grrry... $5
Youth in Asia tpb... $7
individual YiA issues... $3
sketch cover for YiA #4... $5
Agnew "chainsaw" t-shirt"... $12
Got Crayons? volume 1 or 2... $5 both for just $8

Original Art
sketchcards... $5 (inks) $10 (colors)
8.5X11" commission... $20 (pencils)
8.5X11" commission... $25 (inks)
8.5X11" commission.....$30 (colors)
11X17" commission... $50 (pencils)
11X17" commission... $75 (inks)
*all commission work is for one character only*

Comics: George Carlin; A Hardcore Review

2011-05-14T09:06:00.001-07:00

Holy Shit! A review of a project that has not yet been printed. I know. I usually don't do such things. However, due to the fact that nobody knows who I am, much like Spider-Man, I don't often have the chance to review such preprint projects. I am proud to bring you my first such review. And it is a comic book biography of my favorite stand up comedian, George "Seven Words" Carlin. Now, I gotta be honest. This is the first non-porn related comic bio I have read. EVER! I'm not a big fan of biography comics. But I took an interest in this one, cause I know the writer and talk with him quite frequently online. This book is being published by Bluewater, the same company behind the political bios of John McCain and Barack Obama, as well as the Women in Power series and the "Fame" series with current celebs.
Written by Jaymes Reed who is the man behind DIGITAL CAPS lettering, who has lettered a ton of biographical comics on new and in my mind totally unwothies, like fucking Justin Beiber. I don't care if Dave thinks he can sing, I don't like when anyone who's half my age makes a billion dollars for being cute.Although being 32 and cute might be sorta weird. Now, here's the kicker with this George Carlin book. It's got no comedy in it. That kind of threw me, but then again. It's a biography. And we all know Carlin's classic routines, but to steal a great line from the movie of V for Vendetta, "but what of the man?" For those of you who may not know, Carlin's life wasn't always about those seven words you can't say on television. In fact it was a mighty fucking tough road to where he stood atop the great comedy Mount Olympus. He toiled in obscurity for a long time. In fact it wasn't till the 1970's when Carlin became the Carlin we know and remember today.
George Carlin is one of my heroes, if for no other reason than he spoke his mind. To be on stage, in front of millions, and still have the balls to not shrivel up and pussy out and be a clone is a huge thing. Besides those famous seven words, Carlin was a work in progress until the 70's. He did a lot of funny characters and wore a fucking suit on stage. A suit, really? George Carlin? The guy who said, most pro lifers are, "people you wouldn't wanna fuck in the first place." And now, you too can know his origins in 24 smashing pages of art delivered by Bluewater up and comer, Apriyadi Kusbiantoro. Reed writes as well as he letters. This is just the first in a series of "Comics" books to be written by Jaymes Reed. I think it's a great idea. I mean we pay attention to the star of the moment, and by we, I mean most simple minded people who can't remember last week, that we forget out roots. What brought us to the dance. Or, what happened last week.
So in summation, the writing was crisp. It told the story. Much in the advent of writing an actual biography. Reed did a lot of research into this piece. And you could tell. You could tell that Carlin is one of his heroes too. And even though the artwork was totally not what I was expecting, Kusbiantoro did a great job. I am not sure the media used, although it looks like either water colors or Copic Markers, I gotta say I pleasantly surprised. Sure there were points when the pace slowed down a bit more than I might have liked, and it was weird that a young George Carlin's eyes seemed to be crossed an unusual amount, but fuck people, I draw tits and ass and a guy who tries to look simian when he fights crime. There's also a gingerbread like sidekick in the mix. But that's a story for another time. Comics: George Carlin is a quick readup on the history of the all time greatest standup comedian of ALL TIME! If you don't buy it, you're probably a terrorist. Look I've had a couple of Pabst Blue Ribbons and I know it's only nine thirty in the morning, but I refuse to apologize for something you up tight conservatives pretend you don't do. That and the wife swapping parties. You people just need to come out of the closet. You'll feel a whole lot better. I do. And I'm not even gay. Or whatever the fucking PC vernacular is these days. You gotta pick up this book. It's history. That's what all comics are, history. A visual form of storytelling that is still here over a hundred years later. Passed down from the cavemen who painted on walls, to the Renaissance where everything was a fucking painting or a sculpture. To now, where comics aren't just for kids. And they can actually be a form of art.
Now, for those of you who know this review, and for those of you reading it for the first time. This is not your ordinary review where I give fucking thumbs up or stars or even a letter grade. With public education the way it is you're lucky I can spell at all. But I grade based on hardcore moments in professional wrestling history. The more hardcore or classic the moment the more I liked the thing I am reviewing. And usually, with the exception of the birth of the "nWo" promo, anything involving Hulk Hogan is pretty weak by comparison. This review rates something close to one of the creator's hearts. A moment from World Class Championship Wrestling involving two of the biggest tag teams of the era.... The Von Erichs and the Fabulous Freebirds. The match was Kevin and Kerry (I think) Von Erich versus, Terry Gordy and Buddy Jack Roberts. The stipulation was, whoever lost the fall, was out of WCCW. Loser Leaves Town kinda things. Fuckin' A I like it. I forget who lost the actual fall, but I do remember, P.S Michael Hayes showing up wearing a Santa Claus costume and attacking the Von Erichs after the match was over. Classic 1980's moment. In a side note, the Freebirds also attained tag team gold several times during their tenure. But due to a great rule that was later dubbed, "The Freebirds Rule" any two of the three Freebirds could defend the titles in a match. It's been done to death since then, but it originated with Michael Hayes, Terry "Bam Bam" Gordy, and Buddy Jack Roberts.

Batman Mad Love & Other Stories; A Hardcore Review SPOILERS

2011-04-30T16:46:00.000-07:00

FINALLY Harley Quinn and her origin have come to the Hardcore Review. The ultimate story about Harley Quinn is such a treat to read and this is actually the second copy I have gotten of it. The first being a second print of the prestige format edition from the mid nineties. I traded a bunch of Lady Death comics to my friend, Dave, who is now my tattoo artist.
The story is drawn in the amazing style of the Batman the Animated Series by Bruce Timm and written by the enigmatic Paul Dini, both producers of the show that raised me on comics. BTAS is probably my favorite all time cartoon of ALL TIME. And to have a hardcover account of Harley's origin is pretty fucking spiffy in my book. I actually got to meet Bruce Timm at my first ever convention, Wizard World LA 2005. He drew me a Batman head and I got to tell him how much the show meant to me. The guy in line before me had the first volume of BTAS and had Timm sign every disc in the set. It was kind of funny, cause even then (my first con) I didn't really linger around the Big 2's booths. And now at SDCC I try to avoid them if I can.
The story goes like this, Harley Quinn wasn't always the Joker's sidekick. At one point she was a standout athlete in gymnastics who got a full ride to Gotham University. She excelled in her courses, but not due to hard work. She romanced her professors into making her a straight A student and a seeming prodigy in Psychology. Wanting to cash in and write tell all books about her case work, after graduation, Quinn, then Harley Quinzel, became a head shrink at Gotham City's most notorious facility, Arkham Asylum. Here she met the prize and prince of crime, Clown Prince that is, in the Joker. Falling victim to the Joker's charm and hard luck story, Doctor Quinzel let her guard down and Joker knew he had her. From that point on, there was nothing Harley wouldn't do for her Mr. J.
Bouncing back to present time, Harley is busy planning for the future, while Joker is determined to put the Batman on ice. After failing at her attempts to seduce the Joker, and being tossed out of a fifth story window, Harley decides enough is enough. But not in the way you might think. Harley has a plan to get rid of the obstacle between her an Mr. J once and for all.
Enter the "Death of a Hundred Smiles." What an awesome possible scenario. And the fact that this story, proved that Quinn wasn't just a cheap female Joker knock off. Harley had a mind and a demeanor that allowed her to be just as psychotic as the Joker, even more so, since her motives were purely based upon her "love" for her Puddin'. Harley wasn't just a flaky female foil for Batman. Sure she still has her moments of ditziness, but she is also in control of her destiny. And being that she was formed in an abusive relationship, and being that I have seen what abuse can do to the victim and their family and friends makes this story that much more important to me. Sure, fists can hurt someone. Usually those bruises and broken bones heal, but the psychological ramifications and scars run deep, and sometimes never allow the victim to heal.
This story, being so important to me and relevant to comic book history I have to give it a grade worthy of an equally important moment in wrestling history. A moment, that I believe was not recorded for posterity. It was the early 1990's and it was in Germany, a country known for tyranny and a butcherous nature. The match was Cactus Jack and Vader. Vader whipped Jack into the ropes, and Mick (Jack) took the move like a pro. He ended up in what was called a "hangman," where the wrestler gets his neck intertwined between the top and middle ropes. The move isn't normally dangerous, but in a match preceding this one, Too Cold Scorpio requested that the ring ropes be tightened. The tighter ropes caused Mick's ear to be torn from the side of his head. Being the ring warrior that his is, Foley kept on wrestling, while the ring announcer picked up the dismembered ear and ran it to the back where it was put on ice for a trip to the nearest hospital to have it reattached. And in a promo a few years later, Mick revealed that because he didn't know the German word for formaldehyde he wasn't able to ask for his ear back, as the nurse dropped it into the trash and said, "It's all a big joke."

Tank Girl Apocalypse; A Hardcore Review

2011-04-29T20:55:00.000-07:00

So last night some fucking guy thought he was a badass and tried shitting on my comic book. Which he has no doubt, never read, and is seriously jealous of the fact that I can eat whatever I want and not be a fat pathetic loser like he is. I don't give a shit that you're getting married Poncho. You're still a fat fucking clone who's become what he thinks he has to be. You can say shit about me and my hair, the fact that I hang out with a sidekick and that my "comic book that's not going anywhere." But you're a fucking tattoo artist. That's not exactly a tough profession to get into. Hey I have a bunch of friends with ink and friends who are tattoo artists, but let's be honest, it's not rocket science, and you're not saving the fucking world either. Plus I would think, a grown, fat man who dresses up like a Ghostbuster on the weekends would shy away from trying to talk shit. Cause, the pigtails, sidekick, comic book, all a part of who I am at a fucking genetic level. You, you fucking play dress up on the weekends. You're like the goths who haven't realized that the goth movement is long dead. But on to bigger and better things...
Much in the spirit, of Tank Girl, I felt that rant was not only needed, but fucking necessary. I am after all the Hardcore Comic Book Icon, and pigtails or no pigtails, you're still a fat piece of shit who couldn't get laid if he wasn't getting married. So go and fuck yourself, while I run you over with my tank. By which I mean my thighs, which are bigger than your fat fucking head, because I work out porky. Maybe you should take that tattoo gun and ink on some abdominal muscles or something.
So the other week, I read the Apocalypse trade of Tank Girl, where Tank is being hunted by doomsday cultists. Supposedly there comes a messiah. And with it, possibly the end of the world. Tank Girl is restless, doesn't want pizza, beer or sex, and is in a malaise like state where she vegges out and watches daytime TV, the most evil of all evils.
She then leaves the confines of her home, fires off a shot in her tank and continues on till she meets up with a "standing on one leg guru" in a funky top hat who tried to get Tank Girl to join her in her one leg standingness. After which the leaders of the world, including long thought dead, Hitler and recently thought dead, Princess Diana show up. And Tank knocks Lady Di the fuck out. Not to mention Jet and Sub Girl show up to ride the rocket to Utopia. How the fuck a submarine travels in a desert is beyond me, but it's a comic book that has never made sense and that's why people love it. One of the all time most respected indie characters of ALL TIME still hasn't lost her edge, even when Hewlett and Martin aren't working on the project she stars in hits the racks. Tank learns she is pregnant, and after hitching a ride to Utopia, her and her friends party like rock stars, and then she gives birth to a half baby/half tank. Turns out Tank Girl cheated on old Booga with her tank? But she was drunk and I'm sure that makes it justifiable.
Tank Girl is the kind of comic book we need more of. Bizarre, fucked up and just plain strange shit with an edgy attitude that has always been is something we need more of in this world. I know if you're reading my reviews, you know I get tired of the run of the mill primary color boy scouts running rampant on your local comic store racks. When you're unhappy with the the regurgitated characterizations that lost their luster decades ago, take the money out of your wallet, AND BUY SOMETHING ELSE! We vote with our money. Money that is hard to come by and is very precious in today's world thanks to the powers that be. And I don't limit that to your "elected" government officials but more so directed to the corporate giants who only want your money and are currently gouging your pay check. Living pay check to pay check is tough, and we need something to raise our spirits in times like these where bullshit like a Royal Wedding is headline news, movies being Americanized from amazing International ORIGINAL versions, music that I wouldn't wipe my ass with and story lines from twenty years ago pass as brand new, edgy and best selling on the comic scene. You say, "FUCK YOU, I'm gonna read, watch, listen to what I wanna listen to." Your money and more importantly, time is much to valuable to waste on common, trivial shit like that. Show your support to the little guys in the industry who bust their asses even harder than the regular pros, cause quite often to support ourselves we work a full time job, AND then put out REAL cutting edge stories and art that gets swept under the carpet cause we don't have marketing bank like Disney and Warner Brothers backing us up.
In 2002, a monster arrived on the wrestling scene. He was a former NCAA heavyweight wrestling champion. His name, Brock Lesnar. Yeah, that Brock Lesnar, the same one who at one time was the youngest WWE World Champion at 25 years of age. Although Vince has never acknowledged Mikey Whipwreck winning the ECW World Heavyweight Championship in 1995 at less than 22 years of age from the Sandman and then defended it against the future Stone Cold Steve Austin. Anyways, after winning the WWE title, Lesnar set his sights on the most respected veteran in the locker room, The Undertaker. Pushing the "Dead Man," to his emotional limits by attacking him in front of his then pregnant wife Sara. You know the little blond who got Taker to ink her name across his throat. Beating Taker to a bloody pulp and breaking his right hand, then Smackdown general manager Stephanie McMahon, order the two behemoths to fight for the belt inside Hell in a Cell. And to up the ante, she ruled that Taker would be allowed to keep the cast on his broken hand for the match.
The match went off and there was a bucket of blood spilled, mostly from the Champion Lesnar and his manager Paul Heyman. There was nothing but utter chaos in the match, including Taker's cast being ripped off of his hand, Lesnar foiling Taker's move of "old school," and the bloodied, beleaguered champion hitting the F-5 to finish the Dead Man.

The Quitter; A Hardcore Review

2011-04-16T04:52:00.000-07:00

This has been a long fucking time coming. Harvey Pekar's, "The Quitter," another autobiographical look at the life of one Harvey Pekar. After writing a litany of his life, and working with his wife, Joyce Brabner (who will be at this year's San Diego Comic Con)n "Our Cancer Year," Pekar has decided to grace us with his WHOLE life story, up to, and including his run on American Splendor. Pekar delves into his youth, where he was a street fighter at a very young age, to a young man who had an impeccable recall of memory in high school and college.
Pekar takes us through his work in his families grocery, to his stint in the Navy, to his run in college, to the part in his life where we all met him. When he met Robert Crumb, and was enamored with the idea of comic books. But the whole time we feel like we're a part of Harvey's life. Pekar is a spinner of words unmatched by few others.
Obviously, as I have said, "The Quitter," is written by none other than Harvey Pekar. And it is illustrated by the incomparable Dean Haspiel. I purchased this book, when I was still going to a local shop that I had not yet run a foul of (for the comic I work on and supposedly my aggressive sales tactics to the the staff) years ago. And I saw Dean Haspiel at a signing at Isotope Comic Book Lounge back during the weekend of APE Con 2009. Sadly, I did not know about it in advance and did not bring my copy of the book along with me.
Haspiel's artwork rendered in a series of varying styles, brings Pekar's life to, well, life. The visage of a young Pekar rumbling through the streets of Cleveland from his youth through all the times he quit. And that's what makes this book so fucking compelling. Pekar, is just like all of us. He's quit the majority of his jobs, and his thought up futures. All day long we're inundated with the stories of mother fucking LeBron James, who's never once given up on his road to the NBA. But, he did give up on the Cleveland Cavaliers in his quest to become this generation's Michael Jordan. We've been indoctrinated with the visage of Donald Trump, who never gave up on his path to being the 2012 Republican nominee for the presidency. However, he's failed at being a business tycoon, a casino owner, a reality show star and making us believe he has hair. We're all quitters. Whether we admit it or not. Whether we know it or not. And Pekar and Haspiel make it ok to be a quitter.
Pekar is one of my heroes. He's made me a believer. Because of Pekar, I have found a love for the autobiographical comic book, as well as the "slice of life" comic book. And Haspiel has made me love the line work and variation one can scribble in one story. It all makes me feel like what I do is good, and a part of the comic book industry. Pekar gives me strength towards working on my own creations, and allows me to look proudly into the masses and say, "FUCK YOU" to all of those who just don't get it. He makes me realize that not everyone is going to like my work, and I am fine with it. My work, like that of Harvey Pekar's, is not for everyone. And if it was, it would most likely be drivel and tripe for the masses. Sure, it would make more money, but it WOULD SUCK, cause it would be cookie cutter in format and characterization. And I'm not looking to be the next Spider-Man or Batman. As much as there are stories I love, FUCK THOSE MOTHER FUCKERS! FUCK THOSE TIGHTS WEARING DOUCHEBAGS! GADGET HAVING MOTHER FUCKERS! PEKAR DON'T HAVE WEB SHOOTERS! NASH DOESN'T HAVE A FUCKING UTILITY BELT. In terms of writing the everyman, Harvey Pekar IS GOD. And that's saying something, cause Pekar is Jewish and I'm an Atheist.
There's little that can compare with this amazing piece of work that encompasses the entire lifetime of a man, not only who I admire, but respect. And Harvey Pekar's, "The Quitter" gets an amazing piece of hardcore wrestling history... the very first Hell in the Cell. At the then World Wrestling Federation's October 1997 pay per view, In Your House: Bad Blood, the then European Champion Shawn Michaels fought the Phenom, The Undertaker in a match that had a massive cage, complete with a top encompass the entire ring. It saw, Shawn Michaels drop an elbow, land Sweet Chin Music, and beat the shit out of a cameraman, all in order to escape the Deadman. Michaels got color and became a veritable Frankenstein in the days following, and went through the Spanish Announce table. In the end, the Deadman, lay dead after taking a Tombstone Piledriver from his "little" brother Kane, who debuted by ripping the door of the Cell off its hinges allowed The Heart Break Kid to gain the pinfall. All while wearing the "Crimson Mask" and being near unconscious.

DRunken Von Fuckery

2011-03-27T05:50:00.000-07:00

So tonight, well, I guess this is morning now, you technical fuckers who have already gone to sleep and woken up again. For my night owl brethren, here you go...
SO there was actually much accomplished tonight, you know as in before I wrote this, I finished the massive painting job at my mom's house around 4 after I did my volunteer thing that started at, oh I don't know, like 945 in the morning. And that's after getting maybe 4 or 5 hours of sleep. So for two straight weeks at volunteering, WE MADE PUPPETS! How fucking cool is that? Puppets, two straight weeks in a row. There is nothing cooler. Then I painted. And that went really well. Only took about three hours to finish up the job.
After that, I watched the University of Arizona play UConn in the Elite 8. It was a back and forth game with my step dad going nuts for the entirety of the second half of action.
After that, I came home and showered. And went out to eat at, you guessed it, Roccos. And of course I got wings and some bread sticks. During the wait for my food, an ambulance showed up and treated and took a guy who passed out and banged his head. The wings, DELICIOUS. The sticks, AMAZING.
Then it was off to Safehouse, where I began to put into motion an idea for a pinup/print/cover I have had for a couple of days now. Talked with some friends and listened to a lot of jams on my ipod.
At 12 midnight I headed off to The Surly Wench for some music and booze. It was Fineline Revisited night at the Wench and there was plenty of tunage to be had. And as always, there was beer, liquor and pretty much anything else you could imagine. Right after getting my first drink, I saw a girl I saw the week before, who I had given my # to. This time around I made sure to get her phone number. No dancing for me, but there was plenty of drinking to be had. As well as communication with one of the owners that I would come back to take pictures for reference in my comic book. The city of Apex City, is based on two of my favorite places, Tucson and San Francisco. So I want my characters to have actual places to hang out in. The Surly Wench and Roccos are just two of them.
Then I came home, drank some more and kind of vegged out to whatever on Netflix while I perused the internet.
And now, I bid you "go fuck yourselves" and goodnight.

Scott Pilgrim Vol. 1; A Hardcore Review

2011-03-23T18:58:00.000-07:00

Try as I may. Try as I might, I couldn't hate this book. Just kidding. I picked it up a few weeks ago at Charlies Comics here in the 520. Seeing as how I had some extra money, and volume one was actually in stock, I decided to have a look at what all the hype was about.

First off, I wasn't really sure how I felt about the artwork. At first it annoyed me, as being overly simplistic, and almost lazy in a manner. Thing is, through reading the whole story, it just made it flow. With the plot, and dialog, the artwork worked.
Scott Pilgrim is not your ordinary slacker. Nope, he's extraordinary at what he does. He shares a tiny studio apartment with Wallace. It's so small, they actually share a bed. Another major point to bring up is that almost nothing in the apartment is actually Scott's. Keeping with the slacker theme we have going here, Scott has no job, isn't in school, but is in a band. He plays bass. The band's name is Sex Bob omb. Fantastic name if you ask me. And you're reading this right now, so it's a fucking fantastic name. And of course Scott is "dating" a 17 year old high school girl. I'm not really sure how things work in Canada, but according to Pilgrim they hadn't even held hands, cause Knives was too embarrassed. Yup, that's the girl's name, Knives Chau. Scott meets here almost every day after school and they hang out. One day Knives goes to one of the band's practices, and instantly becomes their biggest fan. Which sends their former biggest fan into tears running into his room.
But all ruts must come to an end.
Scott begins having dreams about a hot girl on inline skates who delivers Amazon.ca packages to the Toronto area. Then he sees her at the library, and a party, where he asks about her shoes. Scott is seriously interested. Yet begins receiving emails and letters from someone wanting a fight.
Scott decides to order some cds from Amazon to try and meet this young woman who has been identified as Ramona Flowers. Moments before she knocks on his door, Scott dreams of Ramona. When they finally speak, Ramona reveals that there's this internal super highway. A mode of travel that leads through the subconscious of others. They begin hanging out that night, when snow forces them inside. Ramona lets Scott sleep over only to kick him out first thing in the morning. No sex was had. Scott invites Ramona to Sex Bob omb's next gig. Strange, since he hadn't ended things with Knives, and she was gonna be there as well.
Crash and the Boys open the gig, and put the crowd to sleep. Literally. Sex Bob omb goes on and suddenly, Matthew Patel, the writer of the letters, crashes the gig. The fight with Ramona's seven evil exes commences. But Scott is the best fighter in the province, so even though Matthew Patel has mystical powers, Pilgrim and his entourage, including Knives fights off the first of many battles to come. Pilgrim and Ramona leave via subway and things intensify.
This book was as good as the hype it brought. And it's fucking 6 years old. Published in 2005 by one man band Brian Lee O'Malley through Oni Press, Scoot Pilgrim has taken the comic book world by storm. The series is done now, and I intend to read the other five volumes of WOW! That's pretty much all I can sum this up as folks, FUCKING WOW!
Scott Pilgrim is worthy of a moment in wrestling history equal to something fully changing the face of things and the status quo. The year was 1996, and both Scott Hall and Kevin Nash had been released by the World Wrestling Federation. The two made their way to World Championship Wrestling, where they staged an invasion. And invasion that culminated at that year's Bash at the Beach. Nash and Hall, took on Sting, Luger and Savage with their third man to be revealed. During the course of the match, Hulk Hogan came out, and dropped a leg onto Savage, his friend. Hogan betrayed WCW and made what might be one of the most important promos of all time. "This is the new world order of wrestling brother." I know, I said that anything involving Hogan would never be hardcore, but truth be told, this was possibly the most defining moment in wrestling history of the past twenty years.

Tank Girl 3: A Hardcore Review

2011-03-21T10:04:00.000-07:00

In case you're wondering, here's the cover to the project

This series of short stories, sees Tank Girl getting into all sorts of shenanigans with her boyfriend Booga. In the first story Tank Girl and Booga are being tracked by bounty hunters. Booga asks Tank Girl, "What plan should we go with, A, B, C, D or E?" To which Tank Girl quips, "Why plan C of course." Booga can't remember, so he states, "Remind me of what plan C entails." Tank Girl replies as only she can, "Every time you kill someone you have to do a stylish celebrity impersonation."
Shit like this is why, Tank Girl is a beloved character. She's a bonafied indie comic book icon. Possibly even more followed and loved in America than in England where she was created by Jamie Hewlett and Alan Martin.
The plane trip in on a special weekend has Tank Girl blast a hole in the magnificent afro of soccer superstar Kevin Keegan so she can watch the in flight movie. Tank Girl and Booga go to visit Booga's parents where, Booga's dad, who has a strange reaction to cheese, turns into a hairy monster who breaks loose and terrorizes the surrounding countryside. It's revealed that a secret agent posing as Kevin Keegan sedates Booga's pops with a tranq gun.
There's a coupld of short stories, starring Jet Girl, where she tries to rearrange the rocks on a mountainside all the while having heavy artillery fired at her.
Noy much changes for Tank Girl as Booga becomes a messiah of sorts to a legion of brainwashed followers. In this story, the path to enlightenment is attained through gorging yourself on tons of food, without puking until you gain the light. The end sees Booga barf and Tank Girl wake up to having "a strange dream," while sleeping beside some really creepy old dude.
Hijacking a jumping castle in order to escape the massing horde of would be hired guns, Tank Girl, Booga and the operator of the jumping castle bolt from the amusement park. Don't worry, there's tons of boozing, and carousing by "the girl you want." As well as a bitchload of comedy. Yeah, I said bitchload. What the fuck's wrong with my grammar? Nothing, that's what.
For all the talking that Tank Girl does, it make be her quasi lunatic actions that get overlooked. And in keeping with the tradition of the Hardcore Review, and I say tradition very loosely, cause well, if there's anything to be gained from these reviews, it's that there is no real tradition or correlation to be made other than me using as much foul language as possible to describe how much I either loved or hated something. That an the use of wrestling analogies for the grading system. This moment stems from ECW's Anarchy Rulz 2000 where Rob Van Dam, "the Whole Fuckin' Show" attempted to regain, "the title he never lost from the man he never beat (the Sinister Minister)," in Rhino. The end of the match saw Bill Alphonso aide Van Dam, by lining up the steel chair in Rhino's face for the impending Van-Terminator. Well, Van Dam hit the vaunted Van-Terminator, but in mid flight from corner to corner, Rhino pulled diminutive manager Fonzy into the path of fire. Causing Alphonso to be crushed between the steel chair, Rhino and the oncoming 234 pound missile from Battle Creek. Van Dam was then piledriven through a table at ringside and the picked up and gored through a table propped up in the corner. FUCK!

Brat Pack: A Hardcore Review

2011-03-19T00:31:00.000-07:00

So, finally I bought a copy of Rick Veitch's Brat Pack. Man, what a mind fuck. When you grew up on shit like The Cosby Show and Family Matters, and read Spider-Man and Superman, to read something that tells the truth of how "heroes" would actually be it kind of sits weird in your stomach. Not bad really, but kind of like when you first heard about Santa Claus. The truth can be tough to take sometimes. And everything isn't just black and white, there's a ton of gray in there too. Just like in Brat Pack, Veitch hit hard with the gray scale. The world we live in today supplies a lot of moral ambiguity. And so does Brat Pack. The Mink is a raging psychotic, repressed homosexual with longings for his sidekick, Chippy. Moon Goddess is a tweaked out, toothless old whore with a serious hatred of all men, except for True Man. Judge Jury is a sociopathic racist, complete with pointy hood and giant gavel. And King Rad, which has to be the worst hero name of the group is a drunk and a pill popper who is also an enabler to his protege. And please don't get me wrong. I loved this book. Reprinted through King Hell in 1992 with reworked art and some script changes by Veitch, Brat Pack really sat about 10 years ahead of its time, much like Watchmen and the Dark Knight Returns were ahead of the curve in 1986.
Things start off pretty bad for the sidekicks in Slumberg. What you perceive as a villainous threat by Doctor Blasphemy in a Mink Mobile car bombing, takes out the four young would be heroes. It is revealed after much maligned ideals, that the sidekicks, affectionately referred to as the Brat Pack, are merely a marketing tool for their adult counterparts. They rarely go out on patrol or fight crime in any capacity, other than helping to instigate a gang rape of Moon Goddess' sidekick, Luna at a football game.
The book wouldn't be complete unless there was a tie in to the original Brat Pack, and that's the original Chippy who somehow survives the bomb blast and in a seriously fucked up form haunts the new Brat Pack and eats pigeons.
Probably my favorite part of the book is when the heroes are getting the sidekicks ready and in a series of quasi double page spreads with each quarter devoted to one hero/sidekick set. It continuously told a story, while telling each hero's warped version. Not unlike the Gospels according to those four guys who all told the same story, just in their own words. You know what I'm talking about. That really famous book that had all those great stories in it. Like, incest, rape, murder, betrayal, war, famine, magic and all sorts of cool stuff. I think they omitted the dragons and dinosaurs though. There's nothing quite like the truth ringing in your ears. And then finally, being able to hear it.
Now, for the grade. The true world of what heroes would be like cannot be graded with just any moment in wrestling history. It has to be a true moment. One that rang in with as much truth as someone in a costume and mask could possibly muster. And the moment I choose is one that rings truer to me than almost any other moment in wrestling history. And the true voice of wrestling, in my very not humble opinion, came when Joey Styles walked off the set of the live taping of Raw in late May 2006, after being pie faced by Jerry Lawler. After the commercial break Lawler called Styles back and apologized. And out came Styles, who ripped Lawler and the WWE a new one. Saying he was hired as an announcer not a Sports Entertainment storyteller. A role he was bumped off of Wrestlemania for. Bumped off Wrestlemania for JR. Who they fired only six months before, and then hired Styles to do his job. He then said he was bumped from Backlash. To which he had some hard feelings. "I'm not good enough to call Backlash?" He said he does what he does for every guy in the back who never wanted to be a "superstar" and wanted to be a wrestler.He called wrestling by himself for five years. No tv sidekicks, no story telling. Calling the matches move for move for half a decade.
Styles would later reveal in an interview with Bill Apter for www.1wrestling.com that he was approached by Vince to do the promo, and he was given full creative license for the wording he used.

Ocho: A Hardcore Review

2011-02-12T18:39:00.000-08:00

Today I review Ocho, originally called Three Blind Mice, a comic created by Eric Mengel of the greater Phoenix area of Arizona. The basis of the book is three odd friends, Ocho (a giant blue man from the planet Crountoor), Pitbull (a nose picking goofball with aspirations of being famous) and Petey (a chain smoking cigar chomping teddy bear with a penchant for the absurd).
The first volume begins with the motley trio meandering around Mill Avenue in Tempe. Petey and Pitbull had just been put in the news paper for saving a stripper who was choking on a chicken wing. The stripper gave them each a thousand bucks for the save. However given the events later in the book, it's very likely that it was actually Ocho who saved the woman. As Ocho foils a bank robbery, but wanting his anonymity, Ocho tells Pitbull to wait for the cops. And Pitbull and Petey become "the heroes of Tempe."
Things continue to go awry, as they meet with their friend Eric, who is working on comics inside Coffee Plantation, also on Mill Avenue. Ocho tells Eric he needs a job and is trying to convince his buds to also contribute. Eric helps him by recommending Palapa, a bar around the way. Ocho becomes a bouncer at Palapa.
I honestly didn't know if I was gonna like this story at first. I began reading it at Amazing Arizona Con between customers and lookie loos. There was far more down time than I would have liked. But that's con life. Sometimes you're Stan Lee and sometimes you're how Rob Liefeld should be, lonely and broke!
But I read the stories mainly while working my overnight shift at the group home I work at. Which is seriously coincidental, cause creator Eric Mengel works at a group home. So I feel a serious connection with him. And that's not the only reason. We're both small, or micro if you will, press comic book creators. And, I seriously hope he doesn't mind me saying this, his mother is sadly dying from cancer. I was diagnosed with bone cancer, just over ten years ago.
Ocho is a phenomenal book. I honestly have to say I'm less of a fan of the story line involving his home planet of Crountoor, and more a fan of the slice of life aspect involving Ocho trying to live a semi normal life, and Pitbull and Petey just wankering around. It has a great story. And a lot of backing by some pretty cool people in the local community.
Eric,has been doing comics since 1995. In fact the last issue in the second trade paperback is from 1995. Mengel has a good head on his shoulders and the ability to keep cranking out Ocho. He's got a following, support and the will power to keep going. Ocho is a seriously funny fucking book. A book you should read, if you like slice of life, and the bizarre. He's up to the teens in issues, and has done some pinup work for other local artists and their collected editions. In the future, I would not only continue reading Ocho, but volunteer to do a pinup or two for Eric and his work. Especially if I got to draw the stripper who choked on the chicken wing.
As you may or may not know (if you don't read my reviews you FUCKING should), I grade everything I review on a hardcore moment in professional wrestling history. The more hardcore the moment, wrestler or event, the more I liked the book. As if you couldn't already tell by reading the fucking review. But every reviewer has their system of grading. Some of the more unoriginal bastards or bitches in this game use stars, thumbs up or down, or a fucking letter grade. But nothing rings truer than a moment that already burns in time. So here goes... in the early days of ECW, there was a rivalry. And a match. Sandman, the beer guzzling, chain smoking, cane swinging, pain inducing freak of nature versus the then pretty boy, baby face, who would eventually become "The Innovator of Violence," Tommy Dreamer. The match itself may or may not have been something to write home about. But the matches stipulation sure as fuck was. The match was a "Singapore Cane" match. The loser... would receive a violent caning to the back. Dreamer lost. And a caning he got. All he had to do was kiss Woman's (the Sandman's manager) feet. But he refused after every cane shot. With his back bleeding and bruised, fans pleading with Tommy to stay down, Dreamer stood face to face with the Sandman and said, "That's all you got? I took your best shots and I'm still standing here." Truly a defining moment in the history, not just of ECW, but of hardcore wrestling.

The Runaways; A Hardcore Review

2011-02-05T20:55:00.000-08:00

Essentially this wasn't so much the story of the all girl rock band, The Runaways, so much as it was the story of Joan Jett and Cherie Curie.
While the look of the film was no doubt "spot on," I couldn't stand this movie. Kristen "Twilight" Stewart had NO FUCKING BUSINESS playing Joan Jett. Just cause she's in fucking vogue right now doesn't mean she was the right person to play Joan. And yeah, she looks a little like Jett in the 70's, but to me that AIN'T fucking good enough. The shitty thing, to me, is that she did a good job portraying the first lady of Punk Rock. Kristen Stewart, whether I like it or not is at the very least a decent actress, if not, a really good actress. This role has broken her out of the mold of being Bella, the wishy washy girl from the Twilight saga. And moving out of your comfort zone as an artist is essential for staying fresh and being the best that you can be.
Dakota Fanning plays Cherie Curie, the lead singer of The Runaways. With their meteoric rise to stardom, Curie becomes a drug addict and alcoholic. Fanning, has become a sparkling actress since her debut in "I Am Sam," playing opposite the very retarded Sean Penn.
Alia Shawkat, Pash from Whip It was in this movie, playing Robin. While Rob Zombie's Halloween Laurie Strode, Scout Taylor-Compton played Lita "Kiss Me Deadly" Ford. But the whole movie was spotlighting Joan Jett and her sometimes androgynous relationship with Cherie Curie.
After their Japanese tour, Curie lost it. Began heavily using, and according to the movie, became a Prima donna. While I am a big Joan Jett fan, I don't claim to know shit about the Runaways. God I so wanted to hate this movie. I really really wanted to. But I couldn't. There's little harder to do in this world than admit you were wrong. Not knowing a lot about the group that made acts like P!NK, Kittie, L7 and Bikini Kill possible should make me a fucking historian. But sometimes the best thing isn't to know all the details, but to just appreciate the music and everything it's done.
This flick was interesting to watch. Gave some much needed background on a truly groundbreaking group. And to my shock and awe had some really tremendous acting from someone I didn't think deserved the part, simply cause I felt she was a "flash in the pan" type star. But I have to say, with all sincerity, that The Runaways was a great flick. And thus brings to mind a truly great moment involving, at the time, two of the top workers in wrestling, Triple H and Mick Foley. After Triple H and Stephanie McMahon got "married" they made Mick Foley's life a living hell, including firing him. Upon an announced locker room wide walkout staged by The Rock, Triple H and Steph were forced to reinstate Foley. The Rock also dictated that there would be a tag team main event featuring Degeneration X versus The Rock, The APA and Mick Foley. The end of the match saw The Rock and Farooq and Bradshaw take out The New Age Outlaws and X Pac. Leaving the champ, Triple H and Mick Foley alone, battling it out for bloody supremacy of the ring. In the end, Hunter delivered a "Pedigree" to Foley, putting him through the announce table. As Triple H walked up the ramp, Mick, who's Mankind mask was ripped off during the fight, was bloodied and staring wild eyed at the retreating champion. The moment came the next night, or "officially" on Thursday night Smackdown, when in the ring celebrating his utter defeat of Foley, Triple H declared victory in their war. But out came Mick, in his Mankind outfit from Monday, bloody shirt included. Mick said, after the beating he took a few days before, he wasn't ready to take on the young champion at that Sunday's Royal Rumble pay per view. As he began taking off his mash and tie, he stated, "I'm in no condition to fight you on Sunday..... (Triple H smiles) but I know someone who is.... and I think you know him real well." Tearing open his shirt, he reveals his famous, "Wanted: DEAD" Cactus Jack t-shirt. BANG BANG!

Wet Moon vol. 1-5; A Hardcore Review

2011-02-03T19:15:00.000-08:00

I already reviewed volume on of Ross Campbell's Wet Moon series, but I'm gonna review all five volumes of it right here and now. For those of you who do not know, Wet Moon is THEE slice of life comic. And if you're not reading it you are either broke or a fucking idiot. Or maybe you just read super hero books. And if you're broke, go out and rob someone, but don't steal the book, cause Ross is a small press guy. He doesn't work with a contract, he hasn't sold the rights to his work for a movie or tv show. And if you just read super hero comics, put down a book you're unsatisfied with and pick this up. And if you're just a fucking idiot, sorry, but there's really nothing I can recommend to fix that. But maybe reading Wet Moon might help. IT SURE AS FUCK WON'T HURT! This series was recommended to my by my dealer, Charlie Harris, of Charlies Comics in Tucson, Arizona. And unlike a lot of comic shop owners, Charlie reads every new comic that comes into his shop. So he knows all the storylines, hot characters and even what's most appropriate for readers of any age, or pertaining to their tastes.
Wet Moon stars a plethora of amazing characters including Cleo, Trilby, Penny, Mara, Audrey, Fern and Maladay. It takes place in Wet Moon, Florida on the campus of a university. The story entails the lives of these characters and more, and their everyday lives, which rarely involve anything inside a classroom or doing any semblance of homework. Nope, it mostly involves relationships. And at the pinnacle of that, mostly lesbian relationships. I dunno, possible that Campbell has a fetish for the lesbians. Maybe he's trying to make a statement. Or maybe, much like fat man of slackerdom, Kevin Smith, Ross may have a family member that he's secretly outing by fervently referencing homosexuality. Maybe...
In light of all that, Wet Moon is fucking amazing. I keep telling people about it. And some people pull the whole, "I only read action comics." And maybe this will never get past the thick skull you got, but it doesn't mean I'm gonna stop trying. Fuck, I'll sing the praises of Wet Moon until Ross Campbell till I'm blue in the face and he sends me a half dozen restraining orders and some free art to shut me up cause, as he'll put it, "it's not helping."
This book has everything. But my favorite character is by far Trilby Bernarde. She's the balance to this whole thing. Cleo's usually down in the dumps about whether she should stay with Myrtle, who's actually a butcher knife wielding psychopath or hook up with one of her long time friends, whom she kissed while sharing a hotel room with Trilby and Glen when they went to a comic book convention where Trilby made Cleo cosplay as Lillith from Darkstalkers while she went as Felicia. My comic book crush Becky "Demo" Cloonan even has a cameo in volume 4.
And Ross, with respect to Justice League's Kevin Maguire, does the best facial expressions in the business. It is how I aim to focus my artwork. I am working on over exaggeration of my characters. Not just of their facial expressions, but of their posture, movement and bodies as a whole. It's one of the first things they teach you when you decide you want to be an animator. Just take a look at everything Pixar does, or Anime, it's all there. And if you're an aspiring comic book creator, who isn't bent on realism where a lot of this is lost, study Ross Campbell and Kevin Maguire.
Campbell has done other works, including Water Baby from the Minx imprint from DC a few years back and Shadoweyes from Slave Labor Graphics. But I gotta think that Wet Moon is Ross' baby. I carted my copy of volume three to Comic Con International this past summer to have Ross sign it, and got to talk to him a little bit about things. He told me that he is shooting for ten volumes of Wet Moon. So we have a few years yet of the daily ins and outs of these amazing characters.
There are some great storylines going on in the pages of Wet Moon. Including Myrtle's homicidal tendencies and who she'll go after next; the mystery of the "Cleo Eats It" signs posted around campus; the Worm Lizards' season, who is "Unknown?", Fern and her obsession with Penny Lovedrop; Penny's bastard pregnancy; Cleo and who is she gonna choose; Maladay's obsession with collecting and then showing Cleo all of the signs posted around campus; and many many more.
Wet Moon would make an awesome live action television show, or a phenomenal animated series. Each volume could be collected in a season.
Wet Moon is the best thing to happen to graphic novels in recent memory. As painful as it is waiting for the next volume to be finished, I think it's better than getting one issue and then having to wait a month or more for my next bump. I don't think that some people realize how addicting comics are to some people. When I pick up Wet Moon I could easily jam through the whole thing in one sitting, but that might cheapen the experience. "She is like a fine aged whore, who laughs at you when you take your clothes off. But you keep going back, because she is the only prostitute you can afford."
Wet Moon is one of the top reads every time it comes out. I am super glad I got past the idea of only reading so called "super hero" books. Cause honestly, lately there's been not a whole lot of super going on in my opinion. And far too many titles that don't belong on a shelf taking up space when something like Wet Moon is usually, if carried by said shop, put on a trade paperback shelf where it is much harder to locate. But go to your local shop and ask them for it. And if they no have it, knock all the "big two" off the new comic rack and start singing Green Day's "Basket Case" at the top of your lungs while running out the door.
You want a grade for this? You seriously want a grade for this book? Well, I just quit smoking, and I'm no where close to alcohol of any kind so here you fucking go. Mother's Day 2000. Milwaukee, Wisconsin. The Rave. Extreme Championship Wrestling's pay per view called Hardcore Heaven. The match, almost six months in the making. Yoshihiro Tajiri, "The Japanese Buzzsaw." The man you better not be a midget around, cause he'll kick your fucking head off Tajiri. Yeah, that Tajiri. And his opponent, "The King of Old School" Steve Corino. Corino was pissed cause Tajiri had won the vacated World Television Title. And afterward, he was forced to hand the belt over to "the Network's" chosen successor, Rhino. And when "the Network" screwed Tajiri, he got pissed, and started kicking everything in his path. And that included the bleached blond heel, Corino. This culminated in a battle that included a "four alarm" blade job by Corino that stained his nearly white locks crimson. It was fucking amazing. The only gripe I have about this match is the finish. Which somehow got edited from the table being set up to the pinfall under the busted remnants of said table. Happy Mother's Day Ma'!

Lost Boys The Thirst; A Hardcore Review

2011-01-23T04:00:00.000-08:00

What's two fifths of the original and gayer than oiled pecs and waxed legs on Fire Island? Why it's Lost Boys The Thirst of course.
Somebody tell me why Corey Feldman isn't a fucking greeter at WalMart right now?
Thank Eisner that Corey Haim had the good sense to OD before this this cluster fuck of an abortion was made. There were only two good things about this movie, the fact that it had flashbacks to the classic original, AND THAT IT ENDED!
Who the fuck says it does any good to follow current piece of shit pop culture? Apparently, whoever the fuck green lit this flaming bag of dog diarrhea. Sometimes people need to learn that they aren't viable commodities anymore and that they should become just another shadow instead of taking up valuable oxygen and natural resources. I mean Feldman's a Vegan, right? But he still finds it ok to knaw at my brain with his 5'4" caveman self. Just kill yourself already. And the worst part of this piece of tofu slathered shit is that they're gonna make another one. I can only hope like you that Feldman drops dead of being a fucking little bastard with no talent and a nine pack a day voice.
Did you know that Joel "Bat nipples" Schumacher directed the original 80's cult classic The Lost Boys. I mean that movie had it all, four teen heart throbs, Alex Winters from Bill and Ted, that guy who ended up on Thirty Something AND Diane Weist. Plus a kick ass soundtrack. This movie had shitty references to Twilight, the rave scene (do people even rave anymore?) and some seriously ghey vampires. I mean gayer than Robert Pattinson. Well, maybe not THAT GAY.
Who the fuck asked for a third Lost Boys flick? I remember wanting to go on a bloody chainsaw rampage in 08 when at Comic Con International they announced Lost Boys The Tribe. This movie was phenomenally bad. I mean Mystery Science Theater 3000 worthy. Give Feldman a Lifetime Douchebag Achievement Razzie for his continued existence. There's not a lot more I can stomach. Except for the distinct possibility that the cast of Twilight, Feldman and Halle Berry will all be on the next voyage of the Titanic.
How do I grade this fucking dirty bomb of a movie? What moment from wrestling history could I possibly bestow upon this movie that would not encourage people to want to waste the braincells I already martyred for them? How about WCW Sin? The first WCW pay per view of 2001 when Sid Vicious decided after some coercion from the higher ups to try a top rope high flying maneuver and... broke his fucking leg. Not just broke it, that fucker was hanging by a thread. In the process Sid knocked out Scott Steiner in their World Heavyweight Title match.

Fuzzyface Worldwide

2011-01-23T00:16:00.000-08:00

The Muppets meet Texas Chainsaw Massacre? with the most lovable homicidal protagonist of all time in "the world's greatest sidekick" Agnew Pennyworth, in his starring role as, Fuzzyface. Equal parts of Jim Henson's family favorite Muppets and Tobe Hooper's Texas Chainsaw Massacre mixed in with a dose of Mary Shelly and bookended with the Youth in Asia characters Nash, Kyle and Grrry, Fuzzyface mixes twisted humor with strict monster movie guidelines and a huge dosage of crass behavior. Written by Venus of Necro and illustrated by John Chihak, Fuzzyface boasts a series of pinups by up and coming artists and a foreward by Henry Barajas, writer of El Loco and Girl Scouts in Space.
As of this afternoon, Fuzzyface: The Agnew Chainsaw Massacre 3 is now available on the internet for download on you "E" devices from Indie Aisle. Thanks to Ovi Demetrian Jr. a guy I met at Amazing Arizona Comic Con a few weeks ago. He approached me in Artist's Alley at the con and asked me if I was interested in turning some of my comic books into digital comics. I had wanted to do this for a while, as this was the easiest way to make Anti-Hero Brand Comics available to as many people as possible.
This is a massive step forward for AHB, and the potential it brings is great. Fuzzyface is the breakout book for us, and I believe is easily the most iconic of all our titles, with the series of coloring books called "got crayons?" very close in second place. For those of you out there still without a copy of this great book, all you need is $3 and you can download it in its entirety. Or get a monthly unlimited subscription to Indie Aisle and read Fuzzyface as well as many other awesome titles, like Dennmann's "Get That Chicken," and a ton of "Monster Commute" comics from Steam Crow. This is a super inexpensive way to get to check out a lot of worthy indie writers and creators. And it's not just limited to comics. There's novels and short stories available too.
For those of you who've heard the buzz, or want to check out the madness, just click here for Fuzzyface E Book.

Batman Judge Dredd: Judgment on Gotham; A Hardcore Review

2011-01-21T17:46:00.000-08:00

Written by Alan Grant and John Wagner and illustrated by one of my favorite artists Simon Bisley, this one shot graphic novel that crosses over characters from both sides of "the Pond." This visually gritty and intense story begins with Judge Death finding his way into Gotham via a dimension hoping belt. Confronted by two Gotham police officers, Judge Death makes short work of the boys in blue. And the pointy eared freak in tights is on the scene. Judge Death somehow drops the dimension belt and Batman finds it. Upon picking it up, he finds himself suddenly in Mega City One, and within a heartbeat facing off with Mean Machine Angel, last of the Angel clan. And with proper amounts of property destruction who should show up but Judge Joe Dredd. Playing the usual strong arm of the law, Dredd provokes Bats into taking a swing at him, and then consistently piles it on by revealing the additional sentence time for each strike. Pretty funny stuff. Two worlds collide with Batman truly believing in justice, well his definition of justice, and Dredd delivering quick justice, without the whole pesky due process or a trial by jury of your peers kinda waste of tax dollars. It's Judge Anderson who actually settles the boys down, sorta.
She ends up breaking Batman out of custody and dimension hoping back to Gotham City with the Caped Crusader to track down Death. Dredd finds out and does a little "Pond" hoping himself. Catching up with Anderson and Batman is first on his list, but he runs across Death's Gotham running buddy The Scarecrow. Ol' Stawhead blast Dredd with his fear gas, causing Dredd to hallucinate fluffy bunnies and unicorns. But it's when Batman, Dredd and Anderson combine their efforts that they take down both Scarecrow and Death. Although there was a panel where it looked as if Death lingered in Gotham City.
The gritty and insanely rendered artwork by the enigmatic Bisley is as always, spot on. And Grant who has been writing the Judge in 2000 AD comics for years is brought more to the attention of the American populace by way of incorporating the opposite side of the justice coin in Batman. The dialog at points seems cheesey, as Dredd keeps spouting off. And then there was the scene where Death kills a rock band. That was memorable for it's heinous wordsmithing. But in all this is a great, quick read. No need for pesky back stories, as both characters, whether you know their histories or not, are pretty much made quite clear in the early stages of this book. Recently I have been considering how Batman would physically look given the things he does on a nightly basis. Would he honestly have time to train? Lift weights, do insane cardio and obstacle courses and fighting techniques on a regular basis all the while spending the night hours patrolling the city. And yes, I realize it's a fucking work of fiction, and that something like this could have little actual relevance in the existing world. However, given the idea, would Bats have the insanely muscled body that Bisley gives him in the book? Or would he be leaner and built more like a mixed martial artist? Like it really matters, but this is my god damn review and I'll take a fucking detour if I want to.
I am almost certain this is the first Bisley project I have ever reviewed. And what a way to kick this off than with grading it based upon one of the best bodies in the wrestling business. Having been out of the public light for eight months rehabing a torn quadriceps muscle from about May 2001, Triple H had left doubters wondering what he would look like when he came back. Would he be the same wrestler who had dominated the previous two years? It was planned in the December 2001 pay per view, called Vengeance that Hunter would do a run in. A preview poster was printed up and everything. However Triple H wasn't quite ready and needed about two more weeks to be up to snuff. So on January 7, 2002 in the world's most famous arena, Madison Square Garden, in front of a sold out crowd and with millions watching at home. After the very last, pain inducing commercial break Raw was back on. And just as you couldn't wait any more, his amazing entrance music, "The Game," by Motorhead blasted through the PA system. And the crowd went absolutely apeshit insane. I have to say for the majority of the two hour show, as a Triple H mark (at the time) I paced the limited floor of my studio apartment with my sledgehammer propped up on my shoulder. Hearing the music blare, and seeing my hero back on television brought chills. It has been said even to this day, eight years later that Madison Square Garden or any other venue hasn't experienced that kind of pop since "The Game" came home.

Hack Slash, My First Maniac 1-3; A Hardcore Review

2011-01-13T14:03:00.000-08:00

Today, after a very long time in the making, I review the first three issues of the Image Comics release of Hack Slash; My First Maniac. This is as much of an origin of slasher killer, Cassie Hack as you can imagine. Cassie Hack is a young, semi goth, quasi punker chick who, along with her hulking friend Vlad, hunts down slashers. Her very first experience with slashers was with her mom, The Lunch Lady. Cassie went to a private school where her mom worked in the cafeteria. Cassie, was awkward as most kids her age are. But she was tormented by her classmates. Cassie's mom saw all this happening and decided to do something about it. So the Lunch Lady began slashing the kids at the school. But like so many slasher movies, she was hunted down and killed.
Cassie ran. Hooked up with Vlad and began slashing the slashers. The original series from Devils Due Press ran for more than thirty issues, and a series of one shots and crossovers. Cassie was even featured on the Suicide Girls website with her own set of pics. The photos of fans run in the backs of the issues are probably some of the best likenesses of fandom I have ever seen.
Hack Slash was created by Tim Seeley. Several issues of the original series was also illustrated by Seeley. Emily Stone ended up drawing most of the remaining issues of the series. Seeley is writing the current series along with Daniel Leister who is doing the art chores. The flash back sequences are awesome as the line style changes and the coloring is old school half tones. I seriously dig that shit.
I'm kind of bummed that the series went to Image. Although I feel this will give the series more coverage and the much needed boost towards the eventual release of the movie. Devils Due had been publishing the series for years. Including the exclusive Suicide Girls one shot. Which had three different covers. Each issue, current or past DDP series comes with a variant cover. The omnibi (plural for omnibus) has cover artwork by Ross Campbell who does the series Wet Moon.
This review is not so much just for the current series, as it is for the overall Hack Slash mythos. Hack Slash is a phenomenal fucking comic. From the uber hot Cassie Hack, to the lovable hell hound Pooch, to the misshapen hero Vlad and all the seriously fucked up slashers, Hack Slash is page for page one of the best comics on the rack right now. You like horror, on a Rob Zombie blood splatter scale, then you need to fucking read this book. Hack Slash is a bloody mess, with some killer tits and ass. I think one of the things I like best about Cassie is that she's not a traditional ditzy bimbo with huge boobs. She's smart, savvy and she is height and weight proportionate. She is also very much a Suicide Girl, sans the tattoos and piercings. Cassie Hack is everything the survivors of all horror movies are; strong female protagonists. In the spirit of the book, Hack Slash I have to go with a bloody mess of a wrestling match. And who better to go with than two of the all time bests in the industry. At ECW's Living Dangerously 2000, Steve Corino, the self proclaimed "King of Old School" took on "The American Dream" Dusty Rhodes in a "Bull Rope" match. In a blood splatterfest, Corino and Rhodes bled each other for the love of the sport and the adulation of the crowd. This is one of the all time best, short lived wrestling feuds in the history of this storied industry. A double "four alarm blade job," Corino and Rhodes made history as two generations met in the ring and time stood still. In my opinion this was bigger than Hogan versus The Rock, in so much as Hogan could never dream to be the worker Rhodes was on his worst day. And Corino was one of the best heels of a short lived ECW. Blood and violence galore, Steve Corino regrets nothing in the massive scar tissue he now wears as a badge of honor for the sport he loves.

Ladies and Gentlemen.... Flux!

2010-12-20T16:26:00.000-08:00

A while ago, Agent Burgos of the Arizona Avengers sent me a tweet asking me to retweet it. Since Burgos is also the guy who interviewed me for The Weekly Dose on www.comicbooktherapy.com a bit back, I thought nothing of it and retweeded the post. A bit later I went back and clicked the link and read the story. It was about Tracie's Tooth Fairy, a non profit organization that raises awareness and much needed funds for people who require dental work as a result of going through chemotherapy and radiation for cancer treatment. As I too had cancer, I became intrigued in the story. From the best of my knowledge I didn't have any negative effects from my chemo and radiation. The catch is, insurance won't pay for the dental work because the damage to an individual's teeth is a result of a medical procedure.
I read the story and then reread parts. Looked at the photos and saw the beautiful smile Tracie had. I linked to the facebook page for Tracies Tooth Fairy and looked at the photo albums. Then I decided to do something about it. I left a post on her page that said I wanted to make her a character in my comic book, Youth in Asia. I had already begun writing a story involving the character, originally the new heroine was going to be played by Kyle, Nash's girlfriend.
Last Wednesday night, or Thursday morning as it were, the young lady in the article contacted me on facebook. She said that Dan Burgos had got in touch with her about me making her into my new character. She was excited, and asked if I had concept artwork. I immediately began drawing costume pieces for her to pick from. The next morning I emailed the pics to her and she replied with her choice. We have continued to discuss the story ideas and costume color schemes.
The other night I drew up a larger version of the character in order to have a better grasp of the colors to be used. I texted the picture to her and she loved it.
And last night, I wrote a six page origin story for her character in Youth in Asia. I emailed the script to her and am awaiting a reply with her thoughts. I will commence with the page work tonight. It's going to be a great start to a character that will bring a lot of new adventures the Youth in Asia universe.
All because I retweeted.

Jay & Silent Bob Chasing Dogma; A Hardcore Review SPOILERS

2010-12-04T08:45:00.000-08:00

Kevin Smith's one note loser duo of Jay and Silent Bob first made it onto comic books with the Clerks comic book. Don't get me wrong, there is a place for dick and fart jokes, even on your graphic novel shelf. With writing by the enigmatic Smith and art by the seriously underrated Duncan Fegredo (Girl, and Tank Girl) seriously push the envelope of decency and self respect in this, god knows what the hell it was supposed to be about. But it did have the amazing origin of Suzanne which was hinted at in the end credits of Mallrats. Although they did redo said origin in Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back.
The artwork is fucking amazing. As only Fegredo can offer. You can follow Duncan on his official twitter account.... You can follow Duncan on his official twitter account.... or Smith for that matter. Aside from the professional formalities of whoring those two. Hope they have the decency to send that shit back my way. Especially since Smith stole the whole pigtails gimmick from me when I bumped into him at Wizard World 2005 in Los Angeles and then put it in Clerks 2. I want my two dollars.
Anyways, the story follows, I guess, lovable losers Jay and, his hetero life mate, Silent Bob as they get kicked out of Trish "The Dish's" living room after overstaying their welcome and ruining her interview with some Entertainment Tonight ripoffs.
Right now I am watching Chelsea Handler do standup, and it has me wondering if she really is a slut, like she pretends to be with her routine.
So the two bust down in the television section of an electronics store AND, wait for it..... watch the entire John Hughes library. Lunch Box starts crying and Jay of course probably starts dry humping something. Thing I don't get is the sheer number of bitches who think Jason Mewes is hot. I'm not gay, but I wouldn't fuck him WITH YOUR DICK!
The two get kicked out and then decide to go the Shermer in Illinois to become the resident weed suppliers for the white bread suburb. But hey, everyone has to have a dream, right?
Meanwhile, Suzanne jailbreaks from a train wreck from Provasic labs. Making like Harrison Ford in Fugitive with an incompetent Tommy Lee Jones lookalike chasing after her.
Somehow she runs across the duo and Jay makes his famous "super monkey" speech. But not before the two make it to someplace in Illinois where they hang out in a high school where Anthony Michael Hall and Emilio Estevez somehow haven't aged and are STILL in high school. Here's the twist, they are the chronic connection at that school, and they kick Jay and Lunch Box's asses and toss them in a locker room with a bunch of naked guys.
I can't really capitalize on an endearing moment on this book. Probably cause there really wasn't one. However, I am not saying all stories have to have viable substance or meaning. Cause I am pretty sure most of the comics I've done don't have people rethinking their lives. It's just pure entertainment at the lowest common denominator folks.
But, the art work, all in black and white and the writing mixed together are what make this such a great book. The style is way different from the Clerks comic, but expanding the View Askew universe. I honestly wish Smith put out more comics. And I wish Duncan get more credit for his truly unique style of work.
The time it took me to get back to this book, after probably at least a few years since I last read it was worth it. Since Kevin Smith is known for his dialog and plot I am going to go back to a great heel promo from ECW. Steve Corino, the self proclaimed "King of Old School" came out to the ring to confront the "Human Suplex Machine" Taz in what was a great cowardly heel moment. Corino told Taz that he could beat "the most miserable son of a bitch on the planet" easily. However, just moments before he had injured himself lifting 600, no 800 pounds on the bench press. The whole time, the crowd was chanting, "Taz is gonna kill you!" Since an obviously injured Corino was unable to make a run at the Champ, he brought out a man who could.... Chris Candido.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: A Hardcore Review SPOILERS

2010-11-24T01:03:00.000-08:00

I know what you're thinking, "What's he reviewing? The comic, the original cartoon, the live action movies from the 80's, the video games, the toys, or the new line of comics, the new line of toys, or the new all CGI movie from a few years back?" Well, I am reviewing the original, Eastman and Laird's Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles as collected in First Graphic Novel of the original Mirage series. So with that being straightened out, let's begin, shall we.
The 80's were a decade of overindulgence, in pretty much everything. Neon spandex, cocaine, big hair, eye shadow, Converse All-Stars, cocaine, trippy new wave industrial music, Dire Straits, cocaine, ninjas, teenage driven horror movies and comic books, mutants, AIDS, hyper-sexuality and cocaine. Somewhere along that time frame, Kevin Eastman met Peter Laird, and the two came up with the idea to combine to comic book loving community, which still revolved around the news stands, love of ninjas from Frank Miller's now epic run on Daredevil and teenage mutant phenomenon running rampant over in Claremont and Byrne's X-Men. Throw in a common reptile and you have, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. To think this all hatched in 1983 with Mirage's first issue of TMNT, and by the end of the decade the nation had gone Cowabunga Crazy for the foursome of cold blooded martial arts masters. Hell it not only brought about a hit live action movie, with several in descending order of failure sequels, a really cool cartoon that spawned toys, a cereal and Halloween costumes, but a rabid cult following of kids, teens and young adults that would help carry the torch for the next twenty years.
The story consists of four turtle brothers, mutated by a very familiar accident. An accident involving a runaway truck carrying glowing ooze and a kid rescuing a blind man. However the story goes further than that, with a canister falling off the truck and smashing a glass bowl being held by a little boy. In the glass bowl, four baby turtles. Brothers. Who grew up, and were mentored by a rat named Splinter, who was also transformed by the mutagen. Splinter had studied the art of Ninjitsu while in Japan. He was a pet of ninja master Hamato Yoshi.
I think you know the story from there. Splinter raises the turtles as his own, teaches them the way of the ninja. And sets them out to fight for those who cannot. But even in New York, a group of four foot tall, talking turtles are gonna gain some attention. And it's not a group of reporters seeking interviews. It's street gangs, organized criminals and a growing insurgence of a shadowy ninja clan called the Foot, headed by the next of kin of the man who's brother was killed by splinter's Master Yoshi, Oroku Saki.
The story is a lot faster paced than the original movie, which slowed things down quite a bit. It also changed it, in that there was no brother of Saki, just Saki himself. And Saki gets killed rather quickly. The second story in the collection involves Baxter Stockman and his hot assistant April, and Stockman's Mouser hoards that will rid New York of its rat problem, and rob it blind at the same time.
However this is just the first volume of collected graphic novels by Eastman and Laird. The subsequent collections don't all contain stories with art from the original creators.
After going in different directions with their creative lives, Eastman sold his half of the rights to Laird and went on to write Bodycount with Simon Bisley doing the art chores. Bodycount drew the turtles back to their hyper violent origins complete with stylized renderings of a super hot, buxom April and a savagely 'roided out Casey Jones teaming up with Raphael in a story filled with blood and guts.
Recently Laird has sold the rights to the turtles franchise to Nickelodeon Studios for sixty million dollars. It seems Nick is planning on returning the foursome to their late 80's kid friendly ways with more cartoons like 2007's all cgi animated feature.
A book like the this only comes along a few times in every generation. I was there when it all began. Meaning I was alive, not necessarily reading the reptilian exploits until I reached my thirties. However, I rarely missed an episode of the cartoon and owned several of the toys. I am glad to see the Turtles get their recognition with being around for over a quarter century now. And take their place in the annals of small press comic book history.
The story itself has quirky dialog, and the lettering is confusing. The word balloons are placed in the wrong order at times, making you have to back track a little in order to get the characters to speak in the right sequence. The art, much like The Crow is heavily stylized and dated in such a way with character's hair styles and clothing. But this is not a problem, as I have said, a dated piece is not necessarily a bad thing. It helps conjure up thoughts of that time period, helping you remember the things you loved about being that age. Although a lot of the clothing from the 80 was pretty fucking hideous. The only good thing to come back is the spikey short hair on chicks, leggings and the whole punk look. Back to the story downfalls. The dialog is cheesy. But you have to admit it's not a bad start for two guys who would become legends in the comic book industry. The artwork improves as it always does, or SHOULD, and the characterizations get better. Even though the turtles all look alike, they have distinctive personalities that seem to match the weapons they use.
A fun side note to the history of TMNT. I and my then girlfriend, Jessica almost named Sabu Splinter, because of his uncanny resemblance to the ninja master.
TMNT the original stories sparks a lot of nostalgia for me. In life, not just comics. I mean like I said, I didn't read these original stories until recently, and shame on me for not having done it sooner. And there's a big nostalgia in a young man making a road trip to Madison Square Gardens in the early 80's, while he was still in college to witness a moment that has been talked about, and watched over and over again. Mick Foley regales it best in his book, "Have a Nice Day: A Tale of Blood and Sweatsocks" when he talks about the time he hitch hiked from his college in order to get to the World's Most Famous Arena to watch Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka dive off the top of a steel cage onto a bloodied Don Muraco after the conclusion of their Intercontinental Heavyweight Championship match.

Lisa's murderer sentenced to 22 years

2010-11-23T18:57:00.001-08:00

Today in a Tucson court room, Paul Beam, the man responsible for murdering my old girlfriend Lisa Marie Berrie on August 12, 2008, was sentenced today to 22 years in prison after taking a plea bargain on second degree murder charges. This same time one year ago, Beam had been convicted of first degree murder, and in February of this year he was sentenced to 25 years to life without the possibility of parole. That was before it was discovered that one of the jurors had lied about her background.
For those of you who have never had the opportunity to be called for jury duty service I will let you know a little bit about the process. First, you cannot serve on a jury if you have ever been convicted of a felony. Unless your rights have been restored. This would include the ability to vote, and own a firearm. During the jury selection process, the judge will ask the prospective jurors questions about their lives, including job backgrounds, children, education and other thing relevant to the trial at hand. In the case of the juror misconduct, the woman lied about being both a victim and an assailant in domestic violence cases. This caused the judge, Clark Munger to order a mistrial. And for Beam to be retried.
I learned last night from Lisa's sister, Suzi, that the sentencing for Lisa's murderer was happening today. Which was a little bit odd, since I was called for jury duty today as well. Although in city court, not federal, which would handle a murder trial and sentencing. And I learned after being dismissed from service, that he had taken a plea bargain, dropping the charge from first degree murder which could carry a life sentence, to second degree murder which would involve significantly less time in prison.
Lisa would be 28 in December this year. Beam is 37 right now. Which means if he gets out prison he will be 59. I say "if" because, according to Suzi, Beam looked as if he had taken some abuse of his own during the past five hundred plus days he has spent locked up. Suzi also mentioned that Beam was chained to a small group of prisoners, all who faced sentencing today, and that the other felons looked disgusted when they heard what he had done.
My only thoughts are that when he gets out, twenty-two years is a long time to think about this. It's a long time to let emotions grow. And a long time to let the proverbial pot boil over. In twenty-two years I may be able to find the strength to forgive him for taking Lisa from this world... then again, probably not.

Dead West; A Hardcore Review SPOILERS

2010-11-20T04:47:00.000-08:00

After going damn near a month without a review, I decided to start reading and rereading graphic novels I have in my library. As you may know, my favorite graphic novel of all time is Teenagers from Mars, written by Rick Spears and drawn by Rob Goodridge, better known in the industry as Rob G. Even his wife calls him Rob G. It's kind of like how a group of friends in a sketchbook all refer to one guy by his full name of Paul Fini. The same Paul Fini who does a book called Bliss from his own comic book imprint Indie Only Press. But that's a whole other story.
This story takes a two different genres and mashes them together in a bomb digity comic book. Spears and Goodridge strike again in this 2005 original graphic novel from Gigantic Press the same people who put out the Teenagers from Mars trade. It reads fast paced with seriously cool action in a zombie spaghetti western of movie quality proportions. Dead West could easily translate into either a full length live action movie or an animated movie with all the trimmings.
Dead West marks the revenge of a young native man, who longed to be a hunter and a brave. When his tribe was slaughtered by greedy white men, the brave, who is only ever referred as "Cub" hatches a plot to bring revenge on those responsible. Invoking some sort of death pact, the young brave makes a circle around the nearby town and then commits ritual suicide. But.... the young man comes back from the dead, along with everyone else in the cemetery. The key is the circle cannot be broken by the undead.
In the nearby town a man has been hanged for stealing livestock. A young woman, who is also a whore, pregnant, possibly with his child is forced, along with the rest of the town to witness the "justice." The way he comes back is awesome. Lifting himself up on the noose and biting the rope in half. Dozens of the dead come back to terrorize the town.
There was very little dialog in this book, but some of the lines were classics. When the pregnant whore is given a gun by the man with no name who is being chased by a bounty hunter, she shoots the owner of the whore house and laughs, "I got you! I fucking got you!" I largely suspect the man had raped her.
When "Cub" finds his zombie father, the chief about to take his final resting place, he tells his father that he has enacted revenge. His father tells him something so profound. He says, "Did you take a wife? Have a son?" When the tribe was killed all "Cub" did was live for revenge. When he should have kept the tribe going on.
The story closes with the formerly pregnant, now mother and the man with no name leaving the town and breaking the circle. And a vulture leaves the circle too.
This book is awesome on a lot of levels. True, Goodridge's style can be a bit stiff where his people look like mannequins. But altogether, this book is fucking solid as they come. And even better it's small press.
This Hardcore Review regards Dead West with the grade of a true old school tough son of a bitch who never got his due in the United States, until he got a World Heavyweight Title shot. "Dr. Death" Steve Williams took on the then Extreme Championship Wrestling World Championship Raven in a fight that saw "Dr. Death" bleed on American soil, which is super rare. But it was the end of the match that saw just how hardcore Steve Williams really was. It took three super kicks from leader of the Blue World Order, Big Stevie Cool and a DDT from Raven to stop the man who was an All-American in both collegiate wrestling and football and one of the most dominant American wrestlers who ever stepped foot into a Japanese ring.

Unwanted; A Hardcore Review SPOILERS

2010-11-20T03:02:00.000-08:00

Several years ago (2008), when people were still using Myspace on a seriously regular basis, I became "friends" with Diablo, one of the writers on the graphic novel that would shortly be released called, The Unwanted. A bit later, at San Diego Comic Con 2007, I met Diablo and picked up the original book. Shortly thereafter I began to read it, but for some reason could only get about twenty pages in before I had to put the book down.
Three years since that time I finally sat down and read the book. It works on so many levels. The base of the story itself reminds me of the movie Stigmata. Thinking about it, woman goes to South America and buys a relic from a vendor. The relic, a necklace is manifesting in a type of possession of whomever wears it. The woman is a teacher at a school for juvenile delinquents. And the evil spirit is hunting the kids.
These stone wall, emotionless kids realize what is going on and they plan to take out the demon. The gather up everything they can find to use as weapons. And even though they started out as enemies, they became a team.
After they kill one of the demons incarnations, one of the kids gets sucked into a parallel world of brimstone and fire, populated by these creatures. With the help of one of the other instructors at the school/detention facility they find out how to bring her back. Smash the amulet.
The end of the story shows some of the kids, who at the beginning hated each other show a survivor's solidarity.
At times the writing was a bit stiff and hokey. Like some of the slang the kids threw, just seemed forced and unnatural. But on a whole, this is a solid story, that seems to scream for a sequel and a prequel. The artwork, as I was informed by Diablo was farmed out to an artist in South America, Juan Romera. His style is completely graphic and stylized. All the line work has a single line weight. Which in some respects is annoying, however, Romera has his own style, much like Mignola or Mike Allred, of Mad Man and X Statix and X-Force before that. The artwork is wholly rendered in black and white, graphic styling. And it works on so many levels. I appreciate small press, which this totally qualifies as. Diablo Productions is the publisher.
This book, as with everything else I review is graded based upon hardcore moments in wrestling history. The Unwanted rates a moment from Japan, probably the FMW or Frontier Martial Arts and Wrestling promotion, which inspired ECW in many ways. The moment came when Sabu was walking to the ring for a match. A fan grabbed Sabu's burnoose off of his head. Sabu, in full character jumps the railing and begins punching the fan. Sabu was and is a wrestler who was taught to protect the business by his uncle Ed Farhat, the Original Sheik. And by staying character Sabu is probably one of the last of a dying breed of wreslters who never wanted to be a superstar.

JLA Earth 2; A Hardcore Review

2010-11-15T15:54:00.000-08:00

At Tucson Comic Con I picked up a few books, including JLA Earth 2, volume 2 of Love and Rockets and Denny Riccelli's Get That Chicken. Today I will be reviewing JLA Earth 2 which features the core of the Justice League, of Superman, Wonder Woman, Batman, Flash and Kyle Rayner Green Lantern going up against alternate Earth versions of themselves in the Crime Syndicate. Written by Grant Morrison and illustrated by Frank Quietly this graphic novel burst onto the scene in the early 2000's.
The Crime Syndicate are easily the best part of this book with Johnny Quick, The evil Flash needing Speed Force-like drugs to keep up his normal hyper self. And when he comes down he begins to annoy the Ring, Green Lantern's counterpart. The Ring's power ring is a mystical sentient being of it's own and continually talks down to him. While Batman's doppleganger is Owlman, who is just as cunning, but way more ready to kill anyone who gets in his way, possibly even the passive aggressive Ultraman who at first glance seems to be Superwoman's bitch. Lois Lane is the Earth 2 Superwoman who feeds on her own narcissism and deep seeded need to control others, like Jimmy Olsen and Owlman.
The strange thing about this whole storyline is that it's built around failure, not success. And I don't mean a failure of a story, cause it's awesome. The concept is that the only ones who can succeed on their respective Earths are the heroes that belong there themselves. It's a great concept that spawned a few episodes on Justice League the cartoon and an animated movie, Crisis On Two Earths, which you can watch on Netflix.
What would you do if you knew there was another Earth with an exact opposite version of yourself? Would you attempt to change that world for the better/worse?
The book begins with the Justice League attempting a rescue on a jet liner that is about to crash. After the plane is landed by the team, they discover all 24 passengers are dead, their money with pictures of Benedict Arnold instead of George Washington and their hearts on the right side of their bodies. Martian Manhunter discerns that there is some parallel dimension that the plane was pulled from. Meanwhile on the Crime Syndicate's Earth an identical plane appears with people from our Earth.
The whole story is filled with some amazing scenarios, including Owlman and Superwoman having an affair all in the plain view of Ultraman who appears to be wrapped around Superwoman's little finger.
In the end, the Justice League realizes nothing they do is going to change Earth 2. That the harder they try, the more they are destined to fail. Earth 2 cannot and will not allow the Justice League to win. It's an amazing ideal that the ultimate goodguys are in fact badguys on Earth 2. A fascinating concept. But the Justice League does in fact decide to do something evil in order to gain access to the Crime Syndicate.
It's essentially something I was just thinking about last night. Being a hero sometimes means knowing nothing you do will change the world for the better. No matter how hard you try. But as a hero you still do everything you can, no matter the futility.
This is the first review I have done in a while, as my laptop has been on the fritz and is probably on it's last legs in some respects. I am working to rectify this situation as quickly and as inexpensively as possible.
The grade for this book is a fairly recent match from TNA and more than 20 years in the making. Flair versus Foley in a Last Man Standing match. Or a Death Match if you will. Both combatants blade, with Flair pulling another four alarmer. Battling up and down the entrance ramp and back into the ring. Flair takes a back body drop onto a pile of thumbtacks. Ultimately the ending, which some feel was lackluster, I really liked. Flair lands a splash onto Foley putting them both through a table. And as the count reaches ten, both Flair and Foley stand with Flair crumbling to the mat just after. The end result being that even though Flair was the work horse for so many years it was the man he called a "glorified stuntman" who could take more punishment. And the match ended with Foley having his hand raised.

The Crow; A Hardcore Review

2010-10-20T13:35:00.000-07:00

The penultimate gothic graphic novel ever. Written and drawn by James O'Barr back in the days when comics went from being just for kids, to being driven towards a more adult audience. Created by a distraught O'Barr after losing his girlfriend to a drunk driver, the ink poured out in graphic chapters of metaphorical payback. In much the same way that I originally formed Youth in Asia to be somewhat autobiographical in that very similar metaphorical nature.
Visually very different from the high quality and "image" conscious books of the day. It stands as an independent triumph in the comic book world, that spawned more than half a dozen sequels from different creators and a reboot from none other than Todd McFarlane. The Crow also made its way to the big screen in an adaption starring, in his final role, Brandon Lee, three sequels and a television series; not to mention the toys.
And 16 years after the Brandon Lee driven epic, and almost twenty years after the original graphic novel, there are rumblings of a remake of the 1994 feature film. As of this blog post, rumor has it that former underwear model and wanna be gangsta rapper, "Marky" Mark Wahlberg to reprise the role of the late great Eric Draven.
But this review is about the James O'Barr comic book. The use of varying art styles by O'Barr keep the story flowing extremely well. During the present time sequences, O'Barr relies on hard line work and basic graphic stylings. Where as in the flashback portions, gray scale and wash are used to give a softer side to the uber gritty revenge based storyline. Much in the same way that the Brandon Lee classic used filters and colors to give Eric Draven much needed balance.
There is no real "return" chapter to the story. Draven, pretty much shows up and starts his killing spree. And sure the book's artwork is a bit dated, but what Kirby classic from the 60's or seventies isn't dated by its physical appearance. It's part of the book's charm.
The multi kill sequence in Top Dollar's hangout is epic in much the same way as the movie version's massive shootout complete with brooding lighting, massive blood loss, and a few choice words. The thing I really like about The Crow is its use of poetry and music lyrics for chapter breaks and to set the mood for the coming events. As prophetic as Eric Draven's character is, he still uses soliloquy during the final moments of his tormentor's lives.
The history of the deaths of Shelly Webster and Eric Draven is different than the movie, in that Shelly and Eric were killed along a rural highway, after celebrating their engagement. T-Bird, Top Dollar, Fun Boy, Tin Tin, Tom Tom and Skank are all packed into T-Bird's car and stop when they see the couple broken down on the side of the road. Without much thought, the gang murders Eric and then begin to torment Shelly. Raping and killing her, with Fun Boy doing the deed after her head is blown off.
The whole time the crow is instructing Eric not to look into certain portions of his life with Shelly. To maintain focus on the mission at hand. But Eric is motivated by his true love for Shelly. He cannot help himself in wanting to see those once beautiful moments of his life. Moments that once brought him peace. And that love and peace is what fuels his vengeance. Draven can't be killed. He can't even be hurt. And with the death of those who wronged him and his beloved, he can finally be at peace.
For those who are new to my Hardcore Review, you may wonder what I use to grade the projects I review. Well, I don't use stars, letter grades, percentages or even fucking smiley faces. This is the Hardcore Review, and I utilize hardcore moments in professional wrestling history to grade the projects I review. The classic tale of justice and balance by James O'Barr rates a moment people never thought they would see. The place was Asbury Park. The promotion, Extreme Championship Wrestling. The combatants, Bam Bam Bigelow, the hometown hero, and the World Television Champion, Taz. After a pretty huge battle, including a modified belly to belly overhead suplex by Taz, putting Bigelow through a table. But that's not the moment. The moment came a tad later when Taz jumped on the back of The Beast from the East and locking in his dreaded Tazmission. Out of the field of view of the ref, but clear to those watching on pay per view, The Beast tapped. But since the ref didn't see, the match didn't end. Bigelow threw his legs out from under him, sending both himself and Taz crashing through the ring, to the cement floor underneath. Who rose first was the Beast, who then dragged a near unconscious Taz back into the ring and pinned him to win the World Television Title.

300; A Hardcore Review SPOILERS

2010-10-17T07:18:00.000-07:00

FINALLY.. after years of owning the graphic novel, I read 300, the tale of a group of Spartans and King Leonidas who take on the Persian army, which numbers in the hundreds of thousands. An army so vast it shakes the ground it marches on. With numbers so massive it drinks the rivers dry. The army of a hundred nations threatens the free states. And Sparta has a reputation, for not taking any shit.
The story opens with a Persian messenger rides into Sparta to appeal to Leonidas to yield to the coming onslaught, with an offering of earth and water. Leonidas warns the Persian that in Sparta, even a messenger is held responsible for the words they speak. The messenger and his small cadre are then forced into a nearly bottomless pit, where they find their earth and water.
After attempting to reason with Ephors and the Oracle, Leonidas is denied his request for an army to take down the advancing Persian army. So, instead, Leonidas goes for a walk with his personal bodyguards consisting of 300 Spartans.
The book is some of Frank Millers most amazing work. Sure he is probably most remembered for The Dark Knight Returns and his seminal creator owned series of graphic novels, Sin City, but I feel that 300 is some of his most beautiful work. Amazingly rendered line work with astonishing colors by Lynn Varley, Miller's personal colorist and former wife.
The battles depicted are so graphic and perfect in nature that the story flows without any gaps or flaws. The identity of Xerxes, the God King who commands the hundred nations of Persia. He demands only that Leonidas kneels before him, and he will be Warlord of all of Greece. The only being Leonidas would answer to, would be Xerxes himself.
Leonidas was approached by fellow Spartan castoff, who was born deformed and was then hidden by his mother and father. Wanting to join the Spartan 300, he was denied due to his inability to protect himself and his Spartan to the left. This man then decided to kill himself, but for unknown reasons failed in his attempt. Found by the Persian army and offered a position, by Xerxes, to lead a faction of his army against Leonidas and the Spartans. This man wanted it all, women, power and most of all the uniform he was denied by Leonidas.
Not easily dissuaded, Leonidas and his diminishing number continue to advance and plan. Easily the best portions of the battles were the wall made of stone, with mortar supplied by the fallen Persians, and the wall made of Persians themselves. The artwork seemed so personal and prophetic in nature. Sitting here thinking about it all, the book just reflects so much history, even though it wasn't based on historical facts. 300 is a book I feel every comic book fan should read. Whether you're a super hero fan or a fan of anything else, you need to read this book. It is a must read in my opinion. The writing and art mesh as well as anything else Frank Miller has ever done. And easily made one of the coolest ancient battle epics that became a killer fucking movie, EVER!
Hopefully, by now, if you've been reading my reviews by now, you know that I don't use thumbs, up or down, stars or letter grades to rate the comics, movies, music and video games I review. Since this The Hardcore Review, I utilize hardcore moments in professional wrestling history to establish my grade. And 300 is fucking hardcore. How hardcore? Well, it goes back to a unification of two wrestlers who wanted to make an impact. Lance Storm and Justin Credible. And another wrestler who was hanging up his boots, in "The Franchise" Shane Douglas. Alongside his valet, Francine, Douglas was making an announcement of his retirement at Crossing the Line 1999. Both Justin and Storm came to ring proclaiming that they themselves would be the one to take up the mantle of "the Franchise." To which, Douglas said, while they were both making waves in ECW, neither of them was a franchise. Tommy Dreamer was the man who was going to fill the shoes of Douglas. To which both Storm and Credible responded in the negative to say the least. Jumping Douglas, forced "The Queen of Extreme" Francine into the middle of the ring, unprotected. Setting up a massive cane shot from Credible, bloodying Francine and knocking her to ground. Sure there had been a ton of violence in ECW. And even quite a bit of violence against women. But I believe this was the first full on cane shot to a woman's face. Censored on the preview for the pay per view, and on Hardcore tv, the only way to see it without the black bar, is to own Crossing the Line 99.

Ideas are bulletproof

2010-10-01T06:07:00.000-07:00

This rant was written back on January 13, 2009

Genocide: n. The systematic and planned extermination of an entire national, racial, political, or ethnic group.
I will add to this, age group. As you may or may not have noticed our generation; those that are between 20 and 40 are being culled from the herd. The herd being the human populace. And for that I will not stand. People don't realize or maybe they're just complacent or apathetic to the idea that it is our generation that fights the wars. Our generation that consumes and spends our hard earned income to keep what the politicians have left of our infrastructure in tact. Our generation that has always been expendable. It means we truly hold more than we know in terms of power. We're the ones who are "going" to take care of the older generation when they can't wipe their own asses or administer their own meds. We're the ones who are expected to raise the younger, chosen generation to take the reigns of power when it is handed to them. This begs the question as to why my generation, you, my brethren are so void of application and determination that we're going to sit idly by and let these fuckers screw us from our birthright. It's ours for the taking and we're just gonna watch it fucking float on by and say, "whatever." NO! FUCK THAT! I won't sit and let them rape me for my work and my mind and my creative output. I'll fucking die at the hands of the beast first. To use a very cliche phrase; I would rather burn out then fade away.
And you can't stop them. You can't stop that machine alone. You cannot. It's not that I don't believe in myself. It's not that I don't believe in you. I feel that people are invariably creatures of habit. People are things that never want shit to change because in a fact of matter they themselves do not handle change very well. When something is going well, or even not going well, it may still be a comfortable situation. And by upsetting the balance of that comfort, even to make the situation better, is a chore in and of itself. It becomes something that people cannot deal with by themselves, so they allow the snowball to get bigger. And by allowing change to not take place and the status quo to maintain as the status quo, you risk the balance of power becoming increasingly corrupt and bloated. And then you can't get the king off the throne.
This is where we are. And you may say, "nay," we have a new multicultural president waiting in the wings. Ready to pick up and take arms along side his fellow Americans. I say no, there is now way that the corporations, the most megalomaniacal thing in the world has taken the brass ring and crushed it long ago. There is nothing left for people to fight for other than bringing down the masters. We can and if you want it bad enough we will. But there's gonna be casualties in this war. There are gonna be hurt fuckin' feelings too. But hey a big fat check can cure all that shit. You left me with my 40 acres and mule in terms of my service, but I raze the fields and salt the fucking earth. I will slaughter the mule and bathe in its blood. Not because I am in anyway humbled, but because I believe in what's right. There is nothing that a corporation can do except try and take what they will from you and your assets. We aren't communism, but in the same time capitalism is a shit seeking missile that will never stop until they get their cut from the deal. And in exchange for their cut they offer you the chance to play their game. To play by their rules. Sure your message gets out to more and more people. But most of those millions who will make you go platinum are fucking sheep and they'll eat anything that is put in front of them. Sheep. And you know what else sheep can be led to do? Run in a flock off a cliff.
People quick to rally at a war cry must understand that we must not be full. We must be hungry. Our spirit must always hunger if change is to come. And fuck the self righteous. We will follow no ONE's lead. Nay. I ask not that you follow my lead. Or his. Or hers. I insist that WE take fucking ownership for once in our lives. For once in human existence, WE stop and take ownership of the things that lay before us. We cannot undo what has already been done. We cannot change the past. We can only direct the future, never predict it. And one person's perspective of the "greatest generation." You know the generation that fought Hitler. The generation that rallied to war when the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor. These are the same generation that sat a did nothing when the president was told by Emperor Hirohito that there was going to be attacked. This was the same generation that allowed Hitler to rise to power. This is the same generation that sponsored the cultivating of Germany's greatest scientific minds to suit our own evil selfish deeds of creating something so horrendous that it would one day be the fear of unmaking everything. You may say "greatest generation." I say just a generation. They labeled us lazy, apathetic, complacent and fed us pills until we stooped into a coma. Then they gave us a moniker I will never forgive them for. Simply they called us "X." The unknown variable. The unnamed. And by happenstance, unworthy to take the reigns of power. That being said...
There is nothing I want to see more than America burn. Not in a sense of my people, your people and good people losing everything they ever had in their lives, but in a sense where everything goes back to zero. It's one fucking digit. The whole and absence of a number. And in binary it means, "off." To which we switch the machine off. Pull the plug of the fatted calf whose teat we suckle at feeling all warm and secure. Like there is anything that can or will be done to try and mend the fences or bridge the gaps that capitalism and "the American Way," has left me and mine poor, uneducated and hungry in the streets, like dogs. Well my mother warned me about dogs in the streets. Don't pet those mangy dogs. Don't feed 'em neither, cause they'll just keep coming back. You can put a fucking bumper sticker on your car that mommy and daddy bought you, and feel nice and secure that you're doing your part. Cause you're not. If you haven't gone hungry. Lived pay check to pay check. Or felt obligated to feed those who are left to rebuild their lives. America is inherently racist. The country was founded upon the genocide of the natives. It was built on the sweat and blood of the Asians who built the railroads, and the Africans that tilled the fields and clothed the masters. And the people who tend to the fields now are the same people who were created when the white Europeans came to this once rich land and raped the women, slaughtered the men and crushed the children under their boot heels; thus creating my people, the Latinos, Hispanics, Chicanos or in my case, Mexicans. And I am most certainly that. Working class, hardly educated, and seriously in debt to corporations who refuse to loosen the death grip they hold on the whole fucking world. This isn't a question of if, but when they will come to your door claiming that you inherited your neighbor's debt simply because you live in the neighborhood.
The amazing this is we live in a world controlled by digital and electrons and circuit boards. Things that exist, exist solely in a data format. They don't really exist unless there is input. People look at things in purely material means and they lose the purpose of the message. It's not about having or not having. It's about making sure you have more than the next guy. Just make sure you survive. And for so long I have JUST survived. No longer will I just survive. I will, with every breath I can muster until my life is over, will I stop the fight for what I believe. The toppling of a monster so great that no one save 13 lone terrorists tried to bring down. And I in no way mean I can kill the American Spirit. Fuck that. Keep your spirit. I want it's head on a fucking silver plaque hanging over my front door. I want the head of ever corporation mounted and stuffed, adorning my game room. I want those fuckers to fear me like they should. I want to bleed them of their life's work. I want them to feel my wrath. And then their bones will ache at the mere sound of my footsteps. The will piss their pants at the slightest whisper of my voice. Fuckers! All of them. And I want their blood to cover the earth. And when it does it will douse the flame of my eternal hatred for their idealism.
People just don't realize that these corporations of money grubbing, sycophant terrorist organizations, disguised in finely tailored suits. These stuffed suits with not morals, no scruples, and not ethics would throw a mere decimal of their daily pittance at me to shut me up. But it's not gonna work. Nothing short of killing me will halt my voice. Marvel can keep any big money long term contracts with medical and dental in their desk drawer for the next sucker to come by. DC can save their lines about changing the comic book world. Being new and inventive doesn't come with a price tag. It doesn't get awards. It doesn't get recognized. True innovation is brought about with violent sweeping change. There is little that can be done to stop it, if anything at all. And I will innovate some violence all over your mother fucking asses and violently rape your minds with ideas that will pervert and exploit the sheep masses that follow in your stead. The people you claim to help haven't been redeemed. They haven't been saved because you invented the wheel. Modern technologies have brought about more harm and malice than The Plague. The idea that you have changed the world only shows how ignorant of the ideals and dreams of the world. Sure the atomic bomb ended World War 2, but if you people had never sponsored the rise of the Reich then the bomb would have never been a necessity. This is the dawn of a new age. An idea that cannot be bought off. A truth that cannot be killed. And ideas are more powerful that any tool or weapon you could ever create. More people have died for ideas than from bullets, disease and famine. And I plan to tell you all about it.

Clerks 2; A Hardcore Review

2010-10-01T06:06:00.000-07:00

The third venture for Dante and Randal in this finality to the Jersey saga. Ok so maybe it's not final. What would all my Generation X slacker brethren have to do with the rest of our meaningless cumulative existence without more Kevin Smith goodness?
First off I have to admit I had not seen this epic on the big screen as I was in San Diego for the 2006's San Diego Comic Con International.
Having Randal back for another round is always welcome. Kevin Smith writes the best non-sensical dialog, and it is always a good thing no matter how many times I have seen it.
My serious issue with this movie is that Smith keeps putting his wife in his films. Dude, she is not nearly as hot as you seem to think she is. And she's not a very good actress. She's too stiff and not easily acceptable as one of the loser geeks in his reality. That and giving her the Mary Jane line was a bit much.
The use of Randal as a gay catalyst in Clerks is something I didn't really understand other than Smith wanting his gay brother something to hold onto in his films. Somehow I doubt the GLBTQ community is ready to send an award to Smith for his outreach to their plight. I empathize with Randal as he seems to find something wrong with everything in his way. And he always has the best 1Liners and come backs. I see a bit of myself in this character who can always make others laugh at crude fucking humor and shit.
Things get better as Rosario Dawson shows up in a bra that doesn't quite hold her tits in place while she dances to the Jackson Five. Fuck. That and the really unusual musical number he insists that he has always wanted to have in one of his flicks.
And as much as people protest, the donkey scene is quite hilarious. The new common denominator of Randal versus Elias is a welcome change from the usual rigamerole of Dante v. Randal.
In all this movies has almost everything the original had and more including Jay reinacting the scene from Silence of the Lambs and a whole juxtapositon for about go-karts versus masturbation.
I think this is the first time I have watched this in my home since I bought the DVD back in 2006.

As an end all I give this quality classical Generation X slacker flick as the pentultimate basis upon which I will base all other slacker projects, movie, comic or otherwise. This movie rates Sabu slashing open his biceps on the barbed wire versus Terry Funk (a wound that required over 100 stitches) and taping it shut and finishing the match.

Things That Suck interview circa 2009

2010-10-01T06:03:00.000-07:00

Here is an interview I did a while back via email. I have never seen it in either print or on a website anywhere.

On Mon, 3/2/09, Thingsthat ReallySuck .. wrote:

From: Thingsthat ReallySuck ..
Subject: Youth in Asia
To: anti_herobrand@yahoo.com, john_nash667@yahoo.com
Date: Monday, March 2, 2009, 1:00 AM

Hello Mr. Chihak,
We have recently partook of your comic. We have drank deep from the bounty of your riches, in the adventures and misadventures of John Nash and his sock. We did have a series of questions for you. We strongly wish you would endeavor to answer:
1.) Who/what was your inspiration for Genocide (personal? ethnic? cultural? political?)
2.)Is the sock included in the "group of 20 something friends?" (meaning is the sock 20 years old?)
3.) What are the "basic catastrophes" that occur in that #1 issue?
4.) How would you define "anti-hero" given the OED definition of "one who is the opposite or reverse of a hero?" Especially when your hero, John Nash, is very much a conventional hero.
5.) Was the fact that John Nash is a pro-wrestler (unconventional) in any way inspired by Spider Man (conventional) and his past origin deeply rooted in the fact that he fought in wrestling matches?
6.) Is Apex City a metaphor for the Island of Misfit Toys?
7.) Did the women's liberation movement exist in your continuity?
8.) Does the anti-hero's pig-like manifestation reflect inherent misogyny?
9.) Why does Grrry's name-tag say Lola? Is it a reference to the Kinks/is she transgendered like the Lola of the song?
10.) How is the sock being "sneaky" during the dinner in the first issue?
11.) How can we fight in the revolution? What kind of armaments are there? Is it militia-based?

We look forward to your answers. Thank you for your contributions to the comic community.
Love,
Curious Readers

PS Have you seen Food of the Gods?
PPS How do you feel about the term "misogyny-fest" to describe your creation?

1.) Who/what was your inspiration for Genocide (personal? ethnic? cultural? political?)
Obviously you don't watch wrestling nor have you done any research after reading my book. The Genocide character is not a slam at people of Middle Eastern descent. He is an homage to my favorite wrestler, Sabu. If I wanted to make a political statement about genocide, I probably would have had a tag team consisting of Dick Cheney and George W Bush look-a-likes
2.)Is the sock included in the "group of 20 something friends?" (meaning is the sock 20 years old?)
Agnew, is not a sock.
3.) What are the "basic catastrophes" that occur in that #1 issue?
basic catastrophes?
It's a friggin wrestling match. And then Nash takes out some gang bangers in an alley. Sorry, my story telly abilities have improved since issue one
4.) How would you define "anti-hero" given the OED definition of "one who is the opposite or reverse of a hero?" Especially when your hero, John Nash, is very much a conventional hero.
Conventional hero in the sense that he's a vigilante? Dunno what you mean about that. He works outside the confines of the law. Issue two is a social commentary about how the justice system doesn't work. And how citizens should take matters into their own hands.
5.) Was the fact that John Nash is a pro-wrestler (unconventional) in any way inspired by Spider Man (conventional) and his past origin deeply rooted in the fact that he fought in wrestling matches?
Uh, probably somehow way in the back of my subconscious. But wrestling happens to be a passion of mine and something I could writer for, so I decided, Nash has to have a day job.
6.) Is Apex City a metaphor for the Island of Misfit Toys?
no, although Triple X is an homage to ECW, and that place was a metaphor for the Island of Misfit Toys, so in a strange way, yes.
7.) Did the women's liberation movement exist in your continuity?
My guess is you don't believe a woman can be strong and not have to be conservative. Yes the movement exists. I am myself a firm believer of women's lib. A woman can be anythign she wants, even sexy and strong.
8.) Does the anti-hero's pig-like manifestation reflect inherent misogyny?
Wow. Sounds like my book touched a nerve. The look is supposed to reflect a more beastial or primal visage. Not misogyny. Lemme guess. You're either a very sheltered woman or a guy who is totally whipped into thinking that any view of a woman's sexuality means a man is responsible and also a pig. Funny. I thought we had come far in our ways. Guess not. I am not misogynist. In fact I admire women quite a bit. In fact my mom is my hero. Maybe you should print that.
9.) Why does Grrry's name-tag say Lola? Is it a reference to the Kinks/is she transgendered like the Lola of the song?
No, Grrry just felt like wearing a nametag that says Lola. I haven't even heard that song.
10.) How is the sock being "sneaky" during the dinner in the first issue?
It's a joke pertaining to Harley Quinn in an episode of Batman The Animated Series
11.) How can we fight in the revolution? What kind of armaments are there? Is it militia-based?
The armaments are free speech and ideas. Militias are so white trash and fucking unorganized. It's more of a revolution towards shitty mainstream comics.

As for the idea of my book being labeled "misogyny-fest" I would say no. Look at any mainstream comic which depict women as being victims and helpless. Let me know if that might be a bit more misogynistic than what is within the pages of Youth in Asia. Actually a lot of my fanbase is female. SO I guess they don't feel that way.

And are you a source of review for the book or other comic books?
Apparently I am at a loss for you, as I am guessing this going to go on a website saying that my book really sucks. COol, I guess you can't please everyone.
Your answers are as follows. Please feel free to quote me.

Watchmen; A Hardcore Review

2010-10-01T06:02:00.001-07:00

On Friday March 6, 2009, there was a historical event that came upon the movie and comic book industry....
Alan Moore and Dave Gibbon's Watchmen hit theatres. Me and my crew went at half after midnight on the day in question.
What followed is three hours of some of the most captivating feature film I have ever seen. The idea that this was an impossibility only a few years ago, and then chided by Alan himself, as he broke ties with DC and said none of his comics needed to be turned into movies. Well he was right about League, that was a pile of shit, and he had his name attatched to that one.
Watchmen is one of the most loved and best selling graphic novels of all time. One of a handfull of graphic novels taught in college classrooms. It encompases the worst feelings of the cold war and the bitter hideousness of McCarthyism.
In short, the movie was a huge success. The soundtrack rocked. They intermingled 80's pop with modern covers and seemed it beautifully. The visuals were spot on. The costume redesigns were great.There were a few things that were superfluous: like the seemingly endless sex scene abourd the Owl-jet. It was the type of scene that makes you feel like you were watching Roadhouse with your mom. That level of discomfort. The build up on Rorschach was great. Jackie Earle Haley was awesome. As if this was the role he was born for (it reminded me of Brandon Lee and the Crow). The only other man who could have been Rorschach was that crazy fucker Danny Bonaduce. The prison scene made my night with Rorschach uttering the most famous words of the series, "I'm not locked in here with you! You're locked in here with me!"
Beautiful.
And man Golden Age Silk Specter may have been hotter than Modern Age Silk Specter. But that whole pin up doll thing really works for me. Not to mention she was a redhead. NOICE!
I give Watchmen a blast from the past... Mankind being chokeslamed through the top of the Cell onto the cold hard, unforgiving canvas below, with a steel chair crashing onto his head.

SCUD The Whole Shebang!; A Hardcore Review

2010-10-01T06:00:00.000-07:00

I had begun collecting issues of SCUD several years ago, although I found several different issues, I never collated a complete series. And after several years at San Diego Comic Con 2008 SCUD creator Rob Schrab announced that SCUD had been collected into an omnibus after he had finalized the series with the last four issues.
The compilation is amazing, including all 24 covers and a tremendous intro by Kate Freund. The story is top notch on the weird-o meter. A story about a robot assassin that self distructs after its target has been terminated, and it's available at your corner "venting" machine. It's a concept that is destined to be legendary. The humor and grandeur that it amasses is truly a thing of beauty. This book spans more than a decade worth of Rob's work and two major heartbreaks in his life. Rob has a tremendous gift of creativity and amazing use of the brush. His line work is quirky and just right for the job of a disposable assassin named after the greatest nemesis weapon of the first Gulf War. SCUD delivers on all fronts, spanning the diverse plane of earth all the way to heaven for the woman he loves. SCUD is the best of a medium that can go anywhere. SCUD even became a video game, and an action figure.
The idea of a machine that kills based on a preset contempt level is sheer genius. The fact that it desires to keep its target alive and on life support in order to sustain its own life is Orwelian. And then he goes to work for the mob in order to earn money to pay to keep his primary target on life support so he too can remain alive.
In short, you gotta read SCUD to believe it. And once you do, it will change your life. And it will also make you realize why Rob Schrab should be writing all of Comedy Central's programming.
The grade I give SCUD is a flashback from 1994 when Chris Benoit earned his nickname, "The Crippler" by suplexing Sabu right onto the top of his head, breaking his neck.

Dead Noon; A Hardcore Review

2010-10-01T05:59:00.000-07:00

It has to happen. You cannot conceivably like everything you see or hear or read. And well, I gotta say, I did not dig this movie. As a reviewer it is my job to tell my honest opinion, and that's the tough part. You can't only review stuff you like. That's dishonest. Like doctors who only include certain patients in medical studies. Watch old ER reruns, you'll know. Dead Noon stars veteran stuntman and my personal favorite Jason Voorhees of all time, Kane (pronounced Kah-nay) Hodder as a the storyteller. After he pulled his "victim," I guess, I don't remember him killing her or anything out of the back of the van, he proceeds to tell a story about a man who walked straight out of hell to find revenge against the family lineage that took his life. The badass was from the old west where he slept with his partner's wife and then thought to try and kill him when the Kane (the partner's name) finds out and gets pissed. Beyond the sordid gun play and very cheesey, "beats the devil in a hand of poker" the man in black, unfortunately not Johnny Cash, leaps through time to the present where all the law enforcement in Wyoming are still apparently wearing long duster jackets and cowboy hats. Man I don't even remember how this flick ended, cause I jumped online while it was playing.
The movie used a jumpy steadycam and a ton of low budget modern movie tricks, like the CGI fire, which was actually pretty cool. The on fire cowboy from hell with the flaming bullets was an awesome effect, even if the skull head was three sizes too big to be an actual skull. This could have been the Western Ghostrider, pre Nick Cage and his rediculous hairline. JUST SHAVE IT OFF ALREADY!
To grade this upon my usual scale of pro wrestling hardcore analogies seems harsh. I wanted to like this movie so much, but the poor audio and terrible dialog made me long for one of those flaming bullets myself. Kane Hodder aside, this movie rates The Rock's "The People's Elbow." Now to some wrestling fans that might seem generous, but remember this scale is based on the more hardcore the wrestling analogy the more I liked the movie. And well, it was either that or Hulk Hogan's shitty big boot and craptastic leg drop. I thought I would try to be nice, out of respect for Mr. Hodder. Plus I know that somewhere out there is a movie so terrible it will rate the "mighty" Hogan leg drop. Probably one of Hogan's movies itself.

Afro Samurai; A Hardcore Review

2010-10-01T05:57:00.000-07:00

Here we go. Back on the horse of movie reviews. Furthermore I will also be reviewing comics, video games and music albums here in the future.
As for this series, I was hesitant at first, as it was brought to America by Spike TV. not that Spike is a bad station, but I have felt, for some time now, that whenever someone or something (ie a tv station, website, radio station, newspaper etc) I tend to be wholly against it, especially since I saw Pulp Fiction. But I'll save that for another time. Afro Samurai is the story of a man seeking vengeance for his slain father. Simple enough, right? See Afro's father used to be number one. As in the world's number one fighter/ killer, and he had this sacred headband proclaiming so. The only person who could challenge number one, was the person with the number two headband. And along comes Justice, who with only a pair of six shooters, cuts down Afro's old man. Afro absconds with the number two headband along with his father's severed head. He gets jumped and mugged and the headband is lost for years.
Afro is taken in by an old sword master who runs a dojo. Afro's only thought is to get that number two headband and then kill Justice. Afro finds who holds the number two headband and subsequently cuts him down.
Afro's trails take him through many fights, as being number two can be challenged by anyone. Of course Afro wins all of the fights in full on bloody battle. The end of the four part series, as I have no idea if they intend to make a second series, other than the movie, Afro Samurai Resurection, sees Afro face off with Justice for the sacred number one headband. I won't spoil anything else.
Afro Samurai stars the voice talents of Samuel L. Jackson as Afro, and Ninja Ninja (Afro's sidekick); Ron Pearlman as Justice; and Kelly Hu as Okiku. Musical score composed by Wu Tang Clan's The RZA. The animation is top shelf, some of the best I have seen in anime. The music is amazingly good, with some of the best fight scene beats I have ever heard. I would recommend Afro Samurai to anyone who is a fan of Anime, fight movies, hip hop or any combination of the above.
As an end all rating; Afro Samurai rates Masato Tanaka versus Mike Awesome on TNN just before the New Year 1999. The finale called for Awesome reverse super sitout powerbombing Tanaka through a fucking table. You have to see this to believe it. Awesome wins back his ECW World Heavyweight Championship in one of the greatest hardcore title matches this writer has ever seen. And just one more round in the Awesome v. Tanaka mega feud that spaned more than a decade and two continents.

Jack Frost; A Hardcore Review

2010-10-01T05:56:00.000-07:00

Ever want to see Shannon Elizabeth get raped to death by a homicidal mutant snowman and his carrot penis? Cause that's what you'll get with this "high" quality movie. I say "high" cause it's probably ten times better when you're high. Michael Keaton play a loser saxaphonist who goes insane and kills people.... wait, that's the "other" Jack Frost? Jesus how many of these captastic flicks is gonna get made?
A serial killer some how gets in a car accident on his way to execution and gets splashed with some fucking chemical (not unlike Daredevil) and turns into a mutant frosty. He heads up his remaining time by heading to the nearby backwoods town where he was captured by a bumbling sheriff who is then threatened with death no matter the fires of hell Jack Frost (the killer's name) must go through. Man, I thought I was gonna enjoy this movie. Cause it's a stupid, crappy horror movie and I enjoy shit like that. I've seen it two or three times now and it gets better and better every time I watch it. Wait did I say "better and better?" I meant "ho hum and duh." This movie couldn't fill a latrine. Wow. I think I found something to bitch about. Something I also enjoy.
Well death by homicidal snowman cock is better than death by.... well I'm sure there's something out there worse to die by.
In my old grading scale this rates J.T. Smith falling from the top rope and cracking his head on the cold, hard unfogiving concrete floor of the ECW Arena. Wait for it..... only to be showered with chants of, "You fucked up!" from the every growing throng of unwashed masses. And I say that with the utmost love. The ECW fans may have been bloodthirsty and filthy, but they were the most knowledgable and loyal fans in the business.

Manos the Hands of Fate; A Hardcore Review

2010-10-01T05:54:00.000-07:00

MY GOD! SOMEBODY KILL ME NOW!
Even with the guys of Mystery Science Theater 3000 leading the way, with killer jibes and knock out blows, it still wasn't enough to make me wish I wasn't dining on one of those flaming hell bullets from Dead Noon. Actually this flick made me wish I was watching Dead Noon.
Rated I believe as the "worst movie ever" from the long line of "watched it right before I tried to kill myself" films from the MST3K library. And that covers a lot of ground.
I cannot believe that someone got paid to make this unless it was for the express purpose of wanting, nay, craving, no, needing to be ridiculed at a later date.
Freddy Got Fingered who? Gigli what? And I haven't seen either of those abortions.
This fucker rates the closest to the mighty Hogan leg drop I can get. I am sure there is another movie out there worthy of this honor. So I am bestowing the hardcore award of Sid Vicious' "awesome" right hand. That is the most fitting award that can ever be bestowed up Sid Vicious.

Observe and Report; A Hardcore Review

2010-10-01T05:53:00.000-07:00

What more can I say except, sure was a lot of cock in this movie.
Once again Seth Rogen is pretty damn hilarious. He's the new Vince Vaughn in terms of being the regular, quasi out of shape funny guy.
Any way, he plays Ronnie, this dilusional mall security guard who dreams of being a savior. The movie opens with a slow motion montage of the goings on in his mall. The second it ends, the hilarity ensues. A chubby mid lifer runs amoke in the mall parking lot, flashing female patrons and yelling some pretty heinous shit at them.
Bring in Ronnie and his random crew of motley misfits, a greasey whatever the fuck that guy was and the Chinese twins who have as much a hard on for firearms as my crazy, dilusional cousin, who interestingly enough is also a security guard with dilusions of gradeur.
Ronnie's other dream includes plowing the cosmetics counter whore, played almost too well, by Anna Faris.C'mon, this chick works at every fucking mall in the free world. And ladies, if you cannot identify this bimbo, well then it's because it's you.
After quite a bit of craziness including having to see Ray Liotta's fucked up mug and his partner's obscene hairline and Steven Segal-like ponytail for far too long. The dialog was pretty good, with Liotta playing the hardnosed, battle hardened detective who fails at every attempt to hold back the "retard" with the badge.
The movie culminates with something you see coming a mile away, even if it is tiny and almost obscured by errant belly flab. As well as the whole romance thing that according to Rich from KRQ's John Jay and Rich, Roy Orbison could see coming. Only to be corrected by John Jay and the internet.
Make sure you have fun while watching this movie, but please don't take your "Fifi" loving soon to be twelve year old daughters.... SANDRA! Jesus, and then she has the audacity to get mad at me for saying cock like twenty times afterwards. Fucking douchebag. I swear to god.
Now, onto the grade this movie receives. Observe and Report deserves the biggest car crash award it can possibly receive. And that would be once again dipping back into the classic match from King of the Ring 1998 where upon Mick Foley flew off the top of the Cell and crash landed through the Spanish announce table and halfway rolling under the guardrail behind them.

Unbreakable; A Hardcore Review

2010-10-01T05:52:00.001-07:00

My job entails that I stay awake three nights a week while my clients get some well deserved shut eye. In order to help myself stay conscious, I take a plethora of caffeinated soda and my PS3, and a small selection of movies and games. Tonight I watched one of my all time favorite movies, Unbreakable. This movie is great for so many reasons. It caught a lot of flak for having the whole comic book tie in, especially at the begining where it gives random facts about comics. I loved it the first time I saw it back in 2000 and I love it nine years later. Willis and Jackson play off of each other so well, with Robin Wright Penn doing a fantastic job of playing the estranged wife who just wants her husband back. The opening of the movie on the train is such a great way to begin. No back story, just David Dunn's semi origin.
And when he meets Elijah for the first time, Jackson lets slip that he is the villain. He refers to David's son, Joseph as "the child." Not, "your son," or by his name, simply as a noun, almost a pro-noun if he could have gramatically gotten away with it. This was something that I never noticed until now as a crux point in revealing the Elijah character. Also, his description of the characters in battle. The villain having a slightly larger head than the hero. And with his hair, Elijah most definately has a larger melon than Dunn.
The key moments in this movie may have been left on the cutting room floor, as one of the deleted scenes reveals David Dunn trembling and sobbing in the shower. Shyamalan stated that he felt this moment came to late in the movie and that Willis' character would have had too much time to move on from his terrible origin of the massive train derailment. I feel the opposite. A character might look like they have passed that moment by, but most people will break down at the most unusual times. The other possibility could be that David was supposed to be the strong, silent, heroic type. I can agree with that notion, although it makes for a typical and in my opinion, boring archetype. Things manifest themselves in this movie very well, especially the relationship between David and his son, when Joseph decides to prove to him that he is "unbreakable." The reactions from Willis and Wright Penn are phenomenal, and Joseph's Spencer Treat Clark is right up there with Haley Joel Osment with Willis in The Sixth Sense. The cast was firing on all cylinders. And Jackson as always is tops with his over the top at the end, but perfect shaping of Elijah. Now Jackson may pick his rolls out of a hat. Sometimes it's a great character, and sometimes it's Formula 51, but this time, Jackson was spot on and I have no complaints what so ever.
And now for the grade. Unbreakable is quite possibly one of the greatest comic book movies ever made. And it is an enjoyable ride the first or the hundred and first time you watch it. This movie receives its just desserts in the form of one of the most awesome maneuvers ever pulled off in a wrestling ring. It's Rob Van Dam hitting his magnum opus for the very first time on his "best friend," Scotty Anton.Often immitated, never ever fucking duplicated, The Van Terminator!

S.K.O.W.: A Hardcore Review

2010-10-01T05:50:00.000-07:00

The seminal 80's movie from writer John Hughes that is often overlooked in terms of holding it's place in 80's movie history is 1987's Some Kind of Wonderful. The movie follows the exploits of every man high school Junior, Keith and his tomboy best friend Watts, played by Eric Stoltz and Mary Stuart Masterson. Watts character could be described as the protagonist of the story, and is by Eric Stoltz in a making of featurette. She is also quite possibly the protagonist in my attraction to strong females with tomboyish qualities and short hair. Keith is an artist, who works at a gas station aafter school, all the while pining for some chick named Amanda Jones, who is coined as "sex" by Keith's younger sister, Laura.
The movie's plot takes Keith through the wringer of falling for Amanda and doing everything in his power to ask her out. She accepts on the basis that she has had enough of her boyfriend's cheating ways. Amanda is then thrown into a world she knows nothing about, as she comes from a working class family, but is "allowed" to hang with the "richies." Keith gets detention to be able to spend time with Amanda, who has plans of her own for avoiding the whole ordeal. In sitting through detention, Keith makes friends with the school misfits, lead by Duncan. Through their mutual dislike for Hardy Jenns and both being artists of sorts, they become friends.
The moment of truth in this movie might be the practice kiss between Watts and Keith for most viewers. However for this reviewer, the moment to watch is when Keith drops by Watts' to talk. He lays down on her bed, and she plops down next to him. The tension in that moment is classic as Watts has been in love with Keith for some time. Only seeing what he wants, Keith misses the whole thing, until he sees Watts at the end of the movie standing my the car she drove for Keith while on his date with Amanda. He flashes back to the kiss, and suddenly knows it was always her that he really loved. The last line of the movie when Watts puts on the diamond earrings Keith bought for his date with Amanda. She asks, "how they look?" Keith answers with a classic line, "You look good wearring my future."
This is my favorite 80's movie. And the best written John Hughes film ever made. Even though he didn't direct it, it was his movie. In my own grading system, this movie rates Rob Van Dam versus Jerry Lynn for the ECW World Television Championship at Hardcore Heaven 1999. It was 20 plus minutes of action the likes of which had ever been seen. The two had a handful of matches, none of which delivered quite like this, with both combatants being knocked cold during the match. The major moment of the match was Lynn's Somersault Flip over the top rope, sending Van Dam through a table that exploded from the impact.
There are a few things in life that no matter what can make me happy. This movie is one of those things.

Grandma's Boy; A Hardcore Review

2010-10-01T05:48:00.001-07:00

So, I had to do something heavily weed related for the April 20 (4/20) "Hardcore Review." And here it is, Grandma's Boy is a flick I have seen more than half a dozen times in the span of the last year and a half. And it is just as funny as the first time. Guy gets booted from his apartment, because his roommate takes the rent money and spends it on "massage therapy." Or as Kevin Nash says, "yeah, they'll massage your cock for money." It's hilarity the way I always wanted a slacker film to be. Slacker films took a dive in the mid ninties, but made a comeback with titles like Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, and Grandma's Boy. Ever wondered what the day to day life of a video game tester was like? It's pretty extreme, from losing your housing due to your roommates sexual proclivities to telling your coworkers why you are always tired due to the massive orgies you have almost nightly with your three female roommates. To your coworkers finding out you roommate with your grandma and her two elderly friends. And a twenty something virgin getting it on with one of said roommates, to a very quirky asshole who designs the games you test talking like a robot and thinking he's part of "The Matrix." This movie has everything you need in a qualit slacker flick, including plenty of sexual innuendo and almost an hour and half of weed smoking.
From thievery to lunchtime video game challenges to a guy jerking off without locking the bathroom door (not a pretty picture) with insanely hilarious results, Grandma's Boy is your cure to a boring night at home. It's probably even funnier when your stoned.
In terms of grading this fil m in my own unique way, I give this flick a high grade in Sandman versus Sabu at Houseparty 1998. The original Stairway to Hell match. Sabu breaks his jaw, and Sandman is bloodier than I have ever seen him in a vitory that takes knocking out the Suicidal, Homicidal, Genocidal Maniac with a homerun-like swing with Jim's trusty friend, a singapore cane.

The Wrestler; A Hardcore Review

2010-10-01T05:46:00.001-07:00

I have seen this movie four times now in this new year. This is the first time I watched it legally. That should tell you all something. That I would get a bootleg, watch it three times and then go and get the movie when it's released on BluRay.
For the uninitiated, wrestling is a dance of sorts. And this movie chronicles a short period of time in the life of Randy "The Ram" Robinson, a wrestler who is past his glory days. Ram, as I will sometimes refer to him during this review, is played by Mickey Rourke, who as perhaps destiny would have it is a past his prime actor, whom many critics have said has revitalized his career with this flick. Ram is broken down, physically and mentally by the business and life. As many wrestlers will attest, being on the road as much as wrestlers are, he has become estranged from his daughter. This was probably the most realistic depiction of the life of a professional wrestler EVER! The road and the wrestling life does weird things to otherwise normal and honest people. Drugs, cheating on spouses. Drinking and driving. The famous time when Triple H met Ric Flair for the first time, in the buff with a balloon attatched to "Space Mountain." Fucked up shit happens on the road. There's not a lot to do when you live out of a suitcase and the cheapest motel you can find is your home 300+ days a year. It's a tough life. And when people say, "well making a hundred grand a year is worth it." Try staying away from your loved ones, your home and yourself in all actuality for over 300 days a year and see if the money is worth it. Not the least to add to that is also the fact that you wrestle five days a week, twice on Sunday and you get no time to recover from the injuries that pile up on you. And after you see this movie and learn a little about the world of pro wrestling, you will know that it is probably the least fake industry in the world. These are real men and women whose lives get torn assunder because they do what they love.
This film is gritty and quasi documentary-like in cinematic scope. Shot with a "live" feel to it, where you feel like someone who is in on the action, you become privy to all the once secret brotherhood of pro wrestling.
Ram's only interpersonal relationship is with over the hill stripper, Cassidey, played extremely well by Marisa Tomei. Cassidey is Ram's confidant. She knows more about him than his own daughter. And when he decides to mend broken fences he finds out just how much of that bridge he burned.
This is the story of a man, who never learned to follow what should have been important in life and instead persued unhealthy relationships, prolonged a career that he was not willing to let go of twenty years ago when he was on top.
This analogy came a week ago when Michael Jordan was voted into the Hall of Fame. It is from ESPN's Mike and Mike in the Morning. Jordan was the best in his field for 14 years. Basically the entirety of his career. But 14 years is well short of a lifetime. And for someone who once had the adulation of millions, and was revered by little boys and girls on every playground basketball blacktop in the world, it is very hard to stop and become a normal person. It's the reason soldiers have terrible times acclimating to mainstream society after seeing the worst toils of war. Someone like myself can be an artist and a writer until the day I drop dead. Even if I were to ever be thought of as the best, I can still do what I do for as long as I choose to. It is harsh to think of the devastation this wroughts on men, who in their fifties are still vital, physically and mentally and just not viable commodities in the field they chose.
This industry is brought to the forefront of the public eye. Wrestlers are not offered health insurance. They are a select few without pensions, or retirement options. These are men and women who give of themselves for the love of those who come to see them. This is something Vince McMahon and Dixie Carter need to look at and realize that withouth these men and women killing themselves night in and night out are left bankrupt, homeless, without families and without futures in broken down shambles of human bodies. This industry needs to change. And you the fans, and people who believe everyone in this country deserves that chance to have a future can help make that possible. Voice your opinions. Make the change happen. Vince can afford to give his employees health insurance. Right now all wrestlers are "independant contractors" and that means Vince and Dixie can make all the profit off their backs they want, and not pay into the system.
For everything this movie has done in being a great film and bringing awareness to the public, the honor I bestow upon it is not another hardcore moment in wrestling history, but a spot in my Top Five favorite movies of all time. I was asked why I did not have a typical grade for this film. I thought that placing it in my top five favorite movies was enough, but here goes. The grade I give this dates back to 1996 when a new feud was begining. A broken ring and a one hour time delay could not keep these two combatants from tearing the house down. Rob Van Dam and Sabu put up a four star match which included the ring ropes breaking during the match, the two wrestling around the arena and then pulling off a great finish. Triple Jump Moonsaults, Super Arabian Facebusters, all with a broken set of ring ropes. It may be known as the broken ring match, but many remember this as the match that started the war between two men who flew higher and performed crazier acrobatic stunts than the next five fliers in total. RVD v. Sabu was one of the most entertaining feuds from ECW, as they teamed up while they still hated each other to capture the Tag Team Belts, and then battled over the ECW World Television Title all while being cheered on by fence sitter Bill Alphonso, who finally joined with RVD after Sabu was released from his contract in 2000.

40 Year Old Virgin; A Hardcore Review

2010-10-01T05:44:00.001-07:00

Goddamn! How is it that this movie gets better and better every fucking time I watch it? Right now I am watching this for the third time in a week. This time with the director and cast commentary. Knowing that a lot of this was ad libed is awesome. There is just something really special about this flick.
The poker game. "A bag of sand?!" What the fuck? Cal finishes up after having his asshole licked by a chick's dog. Andy and his dirty talking "girlfriend" who says, "ME so horny. Me love you long time!"
And then the whole, "You know how I know you're gay" series. CLASSIC and GENIUS!
David completely romanticizing the fucked up four month relationship he can't get over, TWO YEARS LATER!
There is something everyone can relate to in this movie. Comedy! Pure comedy. This movie will be funny forty years from now.
Apatow and gang solidly deliver on all cylinders. To every door.
This movie is probably the funniest movie I have EVER seen. The grade I give this has to surpass the traditional hardcore role and encompass the entirety of ECW hilarity, at it's utmost. The take over and first appearance of the BWO. The Blue Guy (Blue Meanie) takes the center of the ring and does the Scott Hall thumb 'n hop and then chucks his toothpick, which Joey Styles calls, "That's a chicken wing!"

Too Cool to be Forgotten; A Hardcore Review

2010-10-01T05:42:00.000-07:00

This biographic by Alex Robinson about middle aged Andy Wicks, who will do anything to quit smoking. He seeks help through the guidance of his wife to see a hypnotherapist. His therapy session takes him back to his days when he took his first smoke; high school in 1985.
This story takes our protagonist through the week when he was set to smoke for the very first time. And all Andy can think about is not taking that very first drag. Although Andy does get to set about some plans he missed out on like asking cutie, Marie to a friend's house party. Andy had his mind set to right all the wrongs in his life.
The whole while Andy finds himself wondering if he is even going to go back to his life, or if he is doomed to relive his entire life again. Andy realizes how good things are in his life and how much he loves his wife and two kids.
This is a funny, quirky look at the way life happens and how the grass is always greener. Andy learns a life lesson he didn't even realize he was set to learn. And he is able to set something right and say goodbye to the life he once had and to someone in particular.
I highly recommend Too Cool to be Forgotten. It's a quick read, and a memorable one. Robinson writes 80's high school dialog as well as John Hughes. He knows typical teen angst like Aaron Spelling. And Too Cool is too much. My grade for this book is the amazing international three way dance from the Anarchy Rulz (1999) of Super Crazy (Mexico) v. Tajiri (Japan) v. Little Guido (Italy). These three combatants always put on great match. The attemted double submission of Tajiri by Crazy and Guido was spectacular. As was the Camel Clutch by Guido with Tajiri drop kicking both of his opponents right in the mush. This is truly one of the all time great three ways in ECW history. And measures up every time I rewatch the pay per view.

Sopranos Season 3; A Hardcore Review

2010-10-01T05:41:00.000-07:00

Holy SHIT! I know I know this series is over and everyone felt like they got kicked in the nuts right after making out with their brother/ sister with the finale. SHUT UP! Cause I ain't seen it yet. And I wanna be surprised that it ends with the screen going blank without any closure. FUCKERS! GAWD!
With that out of the way... Can this series get any better. I mean it was like finishing volume six of the Walking Dead. What the fuck else can possibly happen here. You hate Tony's mom for all of season's one and two and then she just drops dead? I barely got a chance to hate her this season. Then Tony hooks up with the yummy and completely psycho Annabella Sciorra. That whole strip tease with the super tiny skirt thing... I had to change my pants. And his reaction to "who" she is. Fucking amazing. If I can write half that well, I'll be a fucking genius.
This is one of the two greatest series of the past fifteen years. The other being OZ. That's a whole other thing, brotha.
Murder, betrayal, drugs, murder, drugs, murder... And then there's the HUGE letdown. I knew for a long time that the female FBI plant was supposed to be my Hollywood dream woman, Fairuza Balk. I knew that she filmed the part in the last episode. And then she was told they would not bring the character back for season 4. So she made other arrangements. Then they decide to bring the character back, as they should (it's Fairuza Balk for crying out loud) and she's already commited to another project. So they recast the role and then reshoot it. Which I understand, but how can you plant a character, give them five minutes of screen time with a whole plot point resting on their shoulders, and then "decide" not to bring the character back? I mean Fairuza or not, that's just ludicrous.
Oh, all that and Meadow looses her virginity, and Christopher finally gets "made." THAT, my readers, IS how you fucking write, direct, shoot and act out thirteen of the finest episodes known to man.
This IS Raven stealing the Sandman's estranged wife, Laurie and his seven year old son Tyler in the middle of one of the most violent, heated and personal feuds in ECW, FUCK THAT, WRESTLING history. Tyler proclaiming that, "I know" when Raven says his parent's divorce is all Jim's fault, dressed like Raven and then throwing his head back and holding his arms out like a brainwashed little Flock member. Drink the Kool-Aid little Tyler. DRINK IT!

Hard Boiled; a hardcore Review

2010-10-01T05:40:00.000-07:00

I am going to remind everyone who reads these reviews that the grading system I use is this: instead of thumbs up or stars, I rate on hardcore moments in pro wrestling history. The more hardcore the event, match, promo or moment the more I liked the book, comic, movie or video game I am reviewing. The less hardcore the moment, the more I disliked it. An example would be anything related to Hulk Hogan would be highly NOT recommended. Onto the review...

Have you ever wondered how many different ways a human being can killed with a fire arm? Hard Boiled answers that question. A lot.
Hard Boiled in the preeminent John Woo movie. It is more than just a shoot 'em up flick. It is THEE shoot 'em up flick. John Woo knows action. He knows gun play and he knows dialog. Hard Boiled is the overt guy flick. There's no over done or added in typical romance bullshit. No, pithy "I think I'm better than you," dialog. And absolutely nothing goes unscathed in this ultimate action movie.
From the opening teahouse shootout to the end, never seems to end action sequence in the Hong Kong hospital, John Woo and company deliver. And they deliver without a delivery fee and on time. Chow Yun Fat proves with this movie that he is a absolute baddass. Fat does for action heroes in Hong Kong, what Bruce Willis is for action heroes in the state, but without all the one liners. Sure he's been in other quality movies, but this one is by far his best, and puts him on the map for good. Fat is to gun play what Bruce Lee is to Kung Fu flicks. There is simply none better. All that and his name is Tequila. Everything blows up, gets shot, bleeds it out or dies from blunt force trauma in Hard Boiled. A movie so fucking awesome they made a genre of movies from it, and a series of shoot 'em up video games.
Tequila is a no nonsense cop in Hong Kong, who kills one of his own in the opening, and amazingly coreographed shoot out with the Chinese Triad. Covered in flour, Tequila makes the final bullet count. He's more of a shoot first ask questions and deal with the consequences later kind of cop. And if fans want it any other way... FUCK 'EM!
Fighting his way to the top of the Triad's hitlist, Tequila causes waves within his precinct. His boss hates him. His lady friend can't stand him. And all Tequila wants is his jazz band drummer/ partner back.
This movie culminates with an epic sequence in a hospital where Tequila finds he has friends in strange places, and a whole bunch of people die in extremely fucked up ways. Mostly involving bullets and blood loss. Oh but count the ways. And the varying calibers used in the carnage.
Cops try and protect the patients all while the Triad begin acing anyone not affiliated with them. And I do mean everyone, even the newly born in the maternity wing. Watch as Tequila and Alan race to find the armory cache. Witness as the Triad lessen in number with every squeeze of Tequila's trigger finger. And amaze as nothing stands in the way of the only Hong Kong cinema superstar who kills better with chromed steel than with his fists of fury. And action fans wouldn't have it any other way.
This movie rates a special historic moment in hardcore wrestling history. Way back to the 1980's when the NWA still reigned as pro wrestling's moral conscious. A cage match. An "I quit match." All rolled into one. The object: batter your opponent so badly that he is forced to say, "I quit." That's the only way to end the match. And since it's within the confines of the mighty and fearsome steel cage, there's gonna be absolutely no shenanigans. The challenger, Magnum T.A. versus the United States Champion Tully Blanchard. This was NOT a wrestling match so much as it was a knock down drag out, everyone's gonna bleed.... A LOT kinda match. Blanchard has a wooden chair thrown into the cage where he smashes it to pieces, and then uses a fragment with a very sharp point on the head of Magnum T.A. Somehow, Magnum gets out of it, and uses the wooden stake on Blanchard, a member of the prestegious Four Horsemen. And even though the microphone was nowhere near Tully's mouth, you can see and hear his cries for mercy, as he squeals, "I quit!"

JCVD; A Hardcore Review

2010-10-01T05:38:00.000-07:00

I am going to remind everyone who reads these reviews that the grading system I use is this: instead of thumbs up or stars, I rate on hardcore moments in pro wrestling history. The more hardcore the event, match, promo or moment the more I liked the book, comic, movie or video game I am reviewing. The less hardcore the moment, the more I disliked it. An example would be anything related to Hulk Hogan would be highly NOT recommended. Onto the review...

"Wrong place. Wrong time." This line has been said so many times and by so many bad guys. That line was not uttered once during this flick. But it pretty much sums up the film, and the life of Jean-Claude Van Damme. He came to America with a dream to be a movie star. He quite school early on in life, because he knew he had something to offer the world. And he became, "The Muscles from Brussels."
This film was shot at the beginning like a documentary. It made it seem very real to heart. As if Van Damme was trying to say something about his life and how it all went wrong. The opening sequence itself was brilliant in that he's filming an intense action scene and something goes wrong in the middle of a very long shot, that as film buffs know is not only expensive, but also very hard to do without putting in jump cuts. The response from the Asian film maker was, "I could care less that you brought John Woo to American audiences," as he throws darts at a Hollywood sign dart board at point blank range. This is the same lack of respect JCVD has gotten from the people who pay to see his movies. And I don't understand why. He's a better actor than Arnold. And at last he's not 60 and doing 'roids like Stallone. This is a guy who is very relatable to the public.
JCVD goes into a soliloquy in the middle of the movie. He talks about how fucked up his life is. But he makes a point. That he sees beauty in everyone. And that even though it is hard for him to judge others, it seems to be very easy for them to judge him. Whether these words are true or not, remain to be seen, but it is a beautiful idea none the less. It is true. We do cast our own insecurities upon those who rise above. We do enjoy to see them succeed. But as the Green Goblin said in the first Spider-Man movie, the one thing they like more than cheering a hero, "is to see a hero fall." And I think that is very true in a lot of us. I say that and I include myself. There's nothing as satisfying as seeing someone everybody "marks out" for have a human moment and fall from grace. That's just the way things are. I did it when Paris Hilton got busted for DUI. I wanted that twit thrown in the hole. I was glad to see that LeBron wasn't good enough to get his team to the finals. I felt some sort of twisted vindication because of that. Somehow, his failure made me feel like I was a better person. As if somehow I had succeeded where he had failed. And I think people felt the same way when Van Damme became a coke head and really fucked up his career. It doesn't make him a bad person. It makes him human.
And any time I can watch something or read something or listen to something and feel like I have learned something or grow as a person myself, I have to give it up for that.
In saying so, JCVD was in no way an action flick. You don't get to see him kick anyone's ass. He doesn't do the vaunted splits at any time. He plays himself. He plays a guy, who just happened to rise above, and achieve some fame, however fleeting it may have been. He plays a guy who does fight for his child. He plays a guy we've all pretended to be after exiting the movie theatre doors. And in watching this, I give him credit. At least he admits that he's human. At least he has that ability, however belated it might be. Or however dishonest it might have been. He plays JCVD, and this will be his crowning moment to me. He showed me he has the chops to take himself outside of the typecast characters he has played for twenty-something years, and become something more.
With this movie I find it hard to relate back to a moment of true hardcoreness in pro wrestling. In doing so somehow makes me feel like it would unvalidate the ideals I hope Jean-Claude has taken upon himself. So I will do my best to make this a choice of not only hardcore history, but a moment that defined a human being... This was a night several years back in Greensboro, North Carolina when "The Nature Boy" Ric Flair returned to his nostalgic form before our vary eyes. This was suspension of disbelief that a man in his mid fifties could win the World Heavyweight Title from "The Game" Triple H. The whole night leading up to a defining point in Ric's career... The comeback. All night long we were treated to the thought that Ric was gonna fight for the title. And you knew he couldn't win. Butn when Hunter entered his dressing room, and talked down to Flair, it lit something in belly of the "wheelin' dealin', kiss stealin', limosine ridin', jet flyin' son of a gun." He became the greatest worker in the business AGAIN. And you believed, until, Hunter hit "the Pedigree," that Flair would become the 17 time World Champ.

One Day as a Lion EP; A Hardcore Review

2010-10-01T05:37:00.000-07:00

I am going to remind everyone who reads these reviews that the grading system I use is this: instead of thumbs up or stars, I rate on hardcore moments in pro wrestling history. The more hardcore the event, match, promo or moment the more I liked the book, comic, movie or video game I am reviewing. The less hardcore the moment, the more I disliked it. An example would be anything related to Hulk Hogan would be highly NOT recommended. Onto the review...
Zach is back! And he's just a pissed as when he left. And anybody who loved all that is Rage Against the Machine is in the groove. As much as I loved Rage, I absolutely hated the bullshit watered down, poppy shit-a-cular music by so called super group, Audio Slave. Fucking pretty boy Chris Cornell is a washed up pussy from the stone age of the Seattle movement. Let it go Chris, no one wants to hear what you have to fucking say anymore. Go join a fucking reality show ya fucking 'mo.
Now back to the band. The vocals of Zach De La Rocha mixed with the insane drumming efforts of Jon Theodore. Yeah you know him kids. He's the guy from the Mars Volta. The combination of raw energy and blinding lyrics are a breath of fresh air and something I could sit and listen to for hours on repeat. I dig when music can be this good. When I'm working on my comic I listen to my mp3 player, fuck it I'm not gonna sell out and fucking brand everything, and when I do it's usually harder edged stuff. You could cut someone's head off with the lyrics spit by de la Rocha. So I chill at a coffee house, with a tasty beverage and push out as much as I can possibly get with my mind in a blur and caffeine racing through my veins.
To me, Rage will always be King, but One Day as a Lion is a very good follow up. The beats are hard, but justified and the poetic that Zach waxes is philosophical in nature as it is anti-govermental in all honesty. I would kill to be able to write my comic as well as Zach writes lyrics... LITERALLY. Who do you want dead. It doesn't get any better in the lyrics department than Zach. He rates number one in my top three lyricists.
The music envokes a somewhat primal spirit that drives me to rise up, behead my captors and burn down the fucking big white building housing the enemy.
Deplorable in any other country. With the threat of being hung for having such thoughts, Zach is free to espouse the ideals of free speech and necessitate the vilification of those who have taken from our hard work and souls for the longest of time. People have yet to realize, as have those in charge....
"There are more of us than there are of you."
and my personal favorite
"People shouldn't be afraid of their governments. Governments should be afraid of their people."

It is a great honor to bestow upon this amazing piece of work, a moment that was so hardcore, because it was bereft of steel chair shots and blood, that it was truly hardcore because of the work put in by the two men in the ring. So hardcore in fact that the loser actually got a standing ovation from the crowd. A classic in every sense of the word, and all the more so, because we will never see it's likes again. I give you Kurt Angle v. Chris Benoit for the WWE title at the Royal Rumble 2003. 20 minutes of mat wrestling mayhem. From Benoit's DDT of Angle on the ring apron to the more than half dozen ankle lock submission attempts by Angle. To the final moment when, after being the ankle lock more times than I even counted and the grueling ferocity of Angle's need for validation as champion Benoit finally, achingly, and to the crowd's collective gasp, tapped out.

Batman & Robin #1; A Hardcore Review

2010-10-01T05:31:00.000-07:00

The Spirit; A Hardcore Review

2010-10-01T05:29:00.000-07:00

I am going to remind everyone who reads these reviews that the grading system I use is this: instead of thumbs up or stars, I rate on hardcore moments in pro wrestling history. The more hardcore the event, match, promo or moment the more I liked the book, comic, movie or video game I am reviewing. The less hardcore the moment, the more I disliked it. An example would be anything related to Hulk Hogan would be highly NOT recommended. Onto the review...
Wow! I love to write reviews for shit that I don't like. LOOKS LIKE ANOTHER WINNER!
Sorry Eric, but dude, this movie sucked longer and harder than a Peter North porno. For a longtime friend of Will Eisner, it sure seems like Frank Miller didn't actually read any of the source material. This crap came off like Sin City-lite. The Spirit is supposed to have some humor in it, but I couldn't find any. Of course it may have had something to do with seeing this movie with my roommates and it being my Christmas alone without a girlfriend.... Maybe. But it still would have sucked if I had seen it with a girlfriend.
There were a ton of comic book movies in 2008. And this was by far the last one of the year. Figuratively and literally. I really wanted to like this flick, cause it's an Eisner character and it was done by Frank Miller. But I mean there are even things that make me not like P!NK or Fairuza Balk. Mainly cause P!NK wastes her time with shiftless layabout and the adulterous Carey Hart. I used to think, hey at least she's with one of the best moto cross riders out there. But how the fuck do you cheat on P!NK? Like what is your fucking problem. Sure she's in way better shape than you, and probably makes more money and people recognize her when you walk down the street hand in hand, but it's still P!NK.
This movie was like the abortion you should have had but didn't and seventeen years later you're still paying child support on it. This movie was worse than the first Hulk movie. There I said it. And there were no cool exploding CGI heads like in Punisher Warzone. Maybe it was because of Gabriel Macht. Maybe it was because of all the super hotties in the film, fucking up the balance. And maybe it was Samuel L Jackson acting much more gay than he has in any of his previous movies. But it was most likely a shitty script and not so great directing. I dig Frank Miller and all, but here's a piece of advice Frank, "remain in comic books, and nobody will have to get hurt." I would rather watch an entire season of the Real Housewives of Pluto than rewatch this ghastly mistake. I would rather piss glass. I would rather watch Catwoman and then watch Halle Berry's Oscar speech on repeat until I gouged out my eyes with whatever blunt object I could find and then use whatever sharpe objects I could find to pierce my ear drums so I couldn't hear her act anymore.
In short there's about a million things I would rather do than watch this movie again. Comment on this post with your ideas of things I could be doing instead with my valuable time.
In summation: I give this movie the grade it deserves. The 1999 crowning of new WCW World HEavyweight Champion, Mr. Courtney Cox, I mean David Arquette. Say hi to your sister/ brother Alexis for me. you douchebag. I think Vince Russo should be anally raped with porcupines stuffed with equal parts pineapples and pine cones for this piece of shit. I'm sure this incident had absolutely nothing to do with WCW's eventual demise. But I'm sure it didn't slow down the process any either.
This post, although not done in a timely manner was thoroughly fun and made me laugh out loud. So therefore it was a good thing.

Saul Williams Amethyst Rock Star; A Hardcore Review

2010-10-01T05:27:00.000-07:00

Howard the Duck #5; A Hardcore Review

2010-10-01T05:26:00.001-07:00

The Iron Giant; A Hardcore Review

2010-10-01T05:25:00.000-07:00

I am going to remind everyone who reads these reviews that the grading system I use is this: instead of thumbs up or stars, I rate on hardcore moments in pro wrestling history. The more hardcore the event, match, promo or moment the more I liked the book, comic, movie or video game I am reviewing. The less hardcore the moment, the more I disliked it. An example would be anything related to Hulk Hogan would be highly NOT recommended. Onto the review...
The cult favorite and movie that Warner Bros didn't put any money into promotion-wise. Time Warner the people who have 1/3 of all money in print, and they didn't put anything behind this cartoon juggernaut. The story of a young boy in Maine during the height of the Cold War. The paranoia is high as the Department of Defense sends a G Man to investigate the sighting of a 100 foot tall robot in the area. Hogarth Hughes is on the case. Hogarth shows the Iron Giant comic books and tells him about being a hero. Hogarth instills in the Iron Giant that he must never use his powers for evil. Hogarth even finds the Giant has a soft spot for almost all living things. He developes a soul and learns the heavy price of violence for no reason.
Kent Mansley, the afformentioned G Man, rents the room at Hogarth's house in an attempt to cull information from Hogarth about the visitor. Hogarth, knowing the robot means no harm, refuses Manley's advances.
The Army, led by Mansley brazenly open fire on the robot, down a crowded street in the sleepy town. The Giant, with Hogarth in protective tow, retreats, as he only uses his weaponry in a defensive capacity. This Giant makes a believer out of even the toughest of skeptics. He will do anything to protect his new friend. After believing Hogarth to be dead, the Giant goes on a rampage against the Army in true Orwellian fashion. In a last ditch effort to prove himself right, Mansley launches a missile at the Giant. The Giant just happens to be in the middle of the small town with the Army. There is a lesson to be learned in this movie, even if it goes against the hardcore nature of my reviews.
As Hogarth says to the Giant, "It's bad to kill. And guns kill. You don't have to be a gun. You are what you choose to be." The Giant learns his final lesson from his young friend, all life matters, even his own. The Giant makes the choice only a hero would make and chooses to give his life for the sake of his friends. In his won words, he wanted to be a hero. He utters one word, "Superman..."
This movie defies description and is a classic even if it's not a Disney movie. It's better than anything they've ever done. And it is my favorite 2D animated movie of all time. With phenomenal voice acting by Harry Connick Jr., Jennifer Anniston, Christopher MacDonald, and Vin Deisel as the Iron Giant, you know you're going to be entertained. And when it's written and directed by Brad Bird, the man behind Pixar's The Incredibles and Ratatouille you know you're in good hands. From begining to end this movie is a true work of art, and gives real credit and credence to the animated film industry. I give this film a grade it richly deserves, and one of Mick Foley's final matches ever. Triple H versus Mick Foley who returned only three days earlier on Smackdown as Cactus Jack. The main event of the Royal Rumble 2000, Mick began his departure from the WWF, in an attempt to main event Wrestlemania as his defining moment. This match saw Triple H reach deep down to obtain his testicular fortitude, and show his ability to be truly hardcore. Hunter took a sever beating at the hands of Cactus, giving himself a good blade job. The paramount moment came when Mick reached under the ring to pull out a bag of thumbtacks which he littered the ring with. Triple H delivers a Pedigree to Mick, who for vanity sake, kicks out. And you know what comes next. Another Pedigree, this time on the thumbtacks. This was the first pay per view I had seen in more than ten years, and was a bout a year after I got back into wrestling. Proving why I marked out for Triple H, and just another reason why I will always respect Mick Foley.

Catwoman Selina's Big Score; A Hardcore Review SPOILERS

2010-10-01T03:58:00.000-07:00

Darwyn Cooke, the mind behind Justice League New Frontier and the relaunch of the Silver Age DC characters hits up Catwoman's door. And believe it or not, this tale only has about six pages with Selina dressed as Catwoman. Now before I continue, I am a fan of Catwoman and a lot of female characters. As I myself am striving to have quality characters in my comics, most of whom are female. There's not a whole lot about this book that I liked. I'm not a big fan of Cooke's art style in this piece. I've seen other stuff he's done that I enjoy, but this just felt sloppy and rushed. And that's fine if there are panels or even pages that seem that way, but not the whole book. I get that the pace was supposed to be fast, as it was a heist story. But there are things that need to be fast and other things that need to be paced better. You can have a fast paced story and still have detail in your work. It just seemed that Cooke glossed over a lot of the essential details in the whole Catwoman mythos. First, she's a loner. She doesn't work well with others. And that doesn't mean a lack of a supporting cast, it means she doesn't have a team. But for some reason, it was necessary to have members she worked with, including an inside girl, who was fucking Falcone, literally. This woman worked the streets as a high priced hooker, in order to support her child and her mother? I don't get it. Is that supposed to purvey a strong female character? I don't know. I have been told my female characters are not strong females, cause they are not typical female roles. I accept the critique. But it's 2010, I don't feel tradition gender roles really apply to being a strong female character other than having a vagina and ovaries.
Anyways, as with movies and animation there's a thing called pacing. And I don't feel this book hit the mark with one exception. The ACTUAL heist. It was six pages of pure, seriously break neck pacing. And the artwork helped immensely with that. Cooke laid out those pages beautifully, all in a double page spread format that showed off multiple facets of the action going on.
But then the main premise of the story in Selina Kyle, showing up after apparently offing herself, as Catwoman and most people believing her dead. So, Catwoman had hung up her whip and ears for a bit in order to get her self back on track. And she needed a big score to make that happen. So she reaches out to her hooker friend, Chantaal, who gets iced in the process. And then bumps uglies with a guy who's old enough to be her grandfather. I get the whole idea, younger, hot woman, older guy. But c'mon, the core fanboys are between the ages of 18 and 35. I don't know how many of them wanna see Catwoman, who I can safely say most of us have had sexual fantasies about bangin' Moses. Cause, there's a lot of things in this world that aren't sexy. And a hot chick banging an old guy is one of them. Liver spots, denture cream and condoms DO NOT belong together.
It is also apparent by this tale, that Selina is not a very strong woman if she's staking claim to guys over and over. Cause this book also begins (I think) the relationship between her and Slam Bradley, the ancient father of her child. She's got a bat and geriatric fetish.
In that, after the big score, pretty much everyone ends up dead, except Selina and Slam. And there's fucking sexual tension between them. Directly after people get their heads shot off. All this from the guy who helped relaunch the DC Silver Age and re-established Catwoman. I mean he did the writing and art for the first few issue of the relaunch back in the early 2000's. And it was excellent. This however, was like canned cat food. Moist, smelly and probably tastes bad if you eat it.
I give this grade not a specific moment in hardcore (or more accurately, lack there of) wrestling history, but more of a belief structure one man has about the business. Wrestlers have to be big. And when I say big, I'm not just talking about their size, but also their lack of talent and ability in the ring and on the mic. The most current example we are forced to tivo through is The Great Khali, Dalip Singh. I am sure he is a real sweetheart and a good guy, but for the love of Will Eisner (God) get him the fuck off of my television screen. From his lackadaisical punches and bogus finishing move, The Khali Vise Grip, a double handed skull crush, to the way he walks. The man has no spine. And I don't mean that in the figurative sense, but the literal sense. It looks like all of his vertebrae are fused. Making his walk look very awkward and painful. I think they even had subtitles for a while when he gave promos, cause he sounds like he has a large cock in his mouth when he speaks. And this is not an attack on a foreigner, I could have just as easily picked super sized disappointments like Mark Henry, The Avalanche, Earthquake or Giant Gonzales. I chose Khali, cause well he's current and he sucks.

Blacula: A Hardcore Review SPOILERS

2010-10-01T03:25:00.000-07:00

So I watched this atrocity in two parts on Hulu. Man, I understand what Blaxploitation was about. And I know the genre a little. But gimme a break. Did this director even know the meaning of plot or pacing in this movie? Cause it was totally lost on me. I rate it only slightly higher on the list of shitty vampire movies than Twilight, cause well, I was drunk when I watched that abortion.
First thing was Blacula's name, Mamuwalde. I know in the story he was an Sfrican prince, but the fact that he had an American accent is fucked up. And how does a chick call his name in the heat of passion? It's four fucking syllables. That brings me to the bitch he hooks up with, who according to him is his wife reincarnated. They meet under auspicious circumstances, as he mistakes her for his wife, and chases her down the street, and then she even entertains the thought of still talking to him, much less hooking up with him. And then after fucking one time, when Blacula leaves, she says she loves him. There's your strong female character for the day folks.
Then there's the transformation from human to Blacula. Apparently Blaculas grow massive monobrows, sick looking porkchop sideburns and become seriously devolved. The only one that can actually speak or hold a thought, is Blacula himself.
And what the fuck was up with all the cops wearing helmets while riding in their cop cars. It was like watching a shitty version of Benny and Joon.
So the whole thing revolves around Mamuwalde being bitten by Dracula himself. Sealed up in a coffin and purchased along with all the other belongings from Count Dracula's castle in the 1970's. The two interior designers open the casket and get attacked by Blacula. It was kinda funny, cause the two designers get attacked. One gets buried immediately, the other has his body viewed by the family and friends, and a investigative doctor? I honestly don't know how the dead interior designer was linked to the sister of the chick who Blacula thought was his wife, but somehow she was. It could have been explained in the dialog, but it was so vomitously horrendous that I think my brain shielded it from me, in order to keep me able to continue to create stuff on my own. And I'm not saying my stuff is better than this, but yeah, my stuff is better than this. Oh, god it made me want to drink like Old English 800 or King Cobra, it was that fucking terrible. And still it was better than Twilight, cause well, at least Blacula has the decency to die when he went into the sunlight.
The grade for this movie should be as such, and as you know it revolves around wrestling. But do I use a vampire wrestling reference (yes, they have happened. MORE THAN ONCE!) or do I use a seriously racist angle (of which there are way too many to pick from). And I think, no. I'll go with clear crowd reaction failure. It was 1996, just after Kurt Angle had won the gold medal for freestyle wrestling in the heavyweight division. That's not the bad part. The show being filmed in the ECW Arena that night was pretty much a culmination involving the Raven versus Sandman feud that had been going on for the better part of a year by this point. And "without" the knowledge or approval of either Paul Heyman or Tod Gordan, after brainwashing his wife and son and beating him to another bloody pulp, Raven, Stevie Richards, Nova and The Blue Meanine crucified the Sandman. Complete with barbed wire as his proverbial crown of thorns. The crowd just went silent. They became pissed off, and got all moody like the kids who watch Twilight as they battle between armies of Ethan and Jacob, or whoever that fucker is. Kurt Angle lost it and began screaming at Joey Styles, who he was doing play by play commentary with during the show. See, Christians have no fucking sense of humor about their fucking ridiculous faith. I mean c'mon. The story has been told about a million times before. Virgin chick gets knocked up by god, has a child on the 25th of December. Kid grows up and raises the dead and heals the sick. Gets persecuted, tried, and then crucified. Three days later he rises from the dead? Where has this happened before you ask. Try looking up the history of Horus, son of Ra, the Egyptian god of the son. That story predates Christianity by oh 2,000 years! True story...

Jane's World Omnibus vol.1; A Hardcore REview SPOILERS

2010-09-29T22:47:00.001-07:00

So I just finished reading the first omnibus of Jane's World, an ongoing collected comic strip by Paige Braddock. Jane's World is hilarious comic strip about Jane Wyatt, a gay journalist and her group of friends. Think Seinfeld, except full of lesbians. Yes, Jane's World is a GLBT comic. And it's damn good too. I first heard of Ms. Braddock back at APE Con 2008. As when I was there she was one of the featured guests. This past San Diego Comic Con, I attended two GLBT comic book panels. One entitled, "Writing Queer, creating effective GLBT characters," and the other, "Gays in Comics: Year 23." This year has been pretty much a landmark in gay comics, as many characters, both new and long standing have either revealed themselves to be gay, or their sexuality has become more prevalent in their stories. Even Archie Comics has a new gay character, Kevin. Things have become a little more accessible to the GLBT community, and their friends and family. Conversely, the Westboro Baptist Church, you know the God Hates Fags people, protested Comic Con International. From what I hear, it's because comic books and Hollywood support and tolerate the homosexuals, and their impure lifestyle.
So back to Jane's World. Jane is a neurotic, blond who kind of watches life pass her by. I say that, cause I think she's a really accessible character whether you're gay or straight or even if you don't label yourself. She spends her time obsessing over relationships past and the girl who just smiled at her at the corner coffee shop. And then there's her circle of friends. First her roommate Ethan, who could best be described as a confrontational phobic, slob who's kind of the same vein as Jane. Both spend their time wondering "what if?" instead of going out and getting stuff done. In the middle of the volume, Jane decides she's gonna write a novel, but an never seem to get past that pesky opening line before she loses interest. She's a poster child and spokesperson for Generation X. You know the kids who took Ritalin and Prozac and never got fully acclimated to the world. And not for lack of trying. Cause well, we never really tried. It was more for lack of motivation to try.
Early on, Jane meets her arch nemesis, Chelle. A narcissistic, and bullying woman who looks an awful lot like Trinity from the Matrix. She wears her sunglasses all the time. And is mostly seen wearing a black wife beater and black pants that I can only assume are leather. Chelle puts a strain on Jane's relationship with her coworker Archie, who much like Jane, never seems to do any actual work when he's on the clock.
Enter Jane's close circle of friends, who include Dorothy or Dot as Jane calls her, and a whole bunch of other people who I cannot for the life of me remember. Damn Chemo! So Jane and her ex, Sarah I believe, go on a canoe trip with another couple, who are friends, and somehow, as you will see, Chelle somehow tags along, thus ruining Jane's passive attempt to re-establish her lost relationship. And even though Chelle plays spoiler to Jane at about every goddamn turn you can imagine, Jane is still a pretty plucky gal.
Then there's "Shallow Breast Guy," another cartoonist contemporary of Paige Braddock's who seemingly takes over the Jane's World strip at very inappropriate time, giving all of the mostly female cast huge knockers and very monosyllabic lesbian porn diatribes about "getting it on." And then the characters point out that they are indeed in a comic strip and cannot understand how this "Shallow Breast Guy" keeps taking control of the comic. They never even acknowledge Paige. In their world, I think it's supposed to be an anonymous creator of some sort.
Hijinks ensue, such as Jane getting a dog named Rusty and a hamster. The hamster breaks outta his cage and bolts into Ethan's room. To which Jane calls Dot at work and asks for help in searching for the little rodent. Jane dresses in full scuba gear and ties a rope to her waist, while Dot is her anchor woman. Should Jane tug on the rope, Dot has to reel in Jane from the depths of spookiness that is Ethan's room. I believe this happens twice, before the hamster runs out of the room himself. During the process Jane frees the cable guy who has been trapped in Ethan's room for the better part of a decade.
Oh and then there's the incident where Jane and Dixie, a very big haired woman from near Graceland get abducted by aliens. And during the attempted escape, Jane turns Dixie into a monkey. Jane then takes monkey Dixie home where she eventually turns back into big haired human Dixie. And it all ties together cause Dot, Dixie and Talia, who was Jane's marching band mate in college turns up, and they all know each other and had relations in the past.
All in all I would highly recommend Jane's World to anyone wanting a humorous tale or epic proportions, that doesn't really go anywhere. And I say that only in the sense that by the end of the first omnibus things have come full circle, yet doesn't really seem like they ever left the front door. And that's totally not a bad thing. In an industry dominated by 'roided out guys in spandex and capes and masks who claim to be anything but gay, there is a small stable of comics that holds true to their intended audience and creators. And in this day and age it is so easy to get swept up in the fracas that it would seem common place. However, Paige Braddock does a great job with the humor department. Jane's World is a fantastic read, that you will breeze through and then be sad that you're finished. So you'll order the next volume from your dealer. And at just $20 for the first several volumes combined into one phone book sized edition is a hell of a good deal. Take a chance and try something new. You'd be surprised how pertinent this book probably is to your life.
As you may or may not know, instead of stars, or a letter grade, I review all of these projects on a notable hardcore moments in professional wrestling history. And Jane's World is most certainly deserving of, in keeping with the characters and GLBT theme of this review, the first ever lesbian kiss in wrestling history. I feel like I have used this moment before, but fuck it. All of the other "lesbian" moments were just that, no real moments. They were purely for shock and value. And they did neither. The year was 1995, if I remember correctly. Tommy Dreamer had just stolen Beulah McGillicutty away from Raven, when she revealed in an in ring interview with Joey Styles and Stevie Richards that she was pregnant. Only weeks later, Shane Douglas, made it public that Beulah had been cheating on Dreamer with someone else. Dreamer confronted Douglas in the ring, to which Douglas revealed further that Beulah not only had been cheating on him, but SHE WAS NOT PREGNANT! Infuriated, Dreamer ordered to know who he was. To which Douglas laughed, "Oh it's not a him Tommy Dreamer. It's not a him at all!" In a flash five foot nothing, Kimona Wanna Laya grabs the mic and shreiks, "It's ME!" Beulah and Kimona go at it in the ring, which ends with Tommy grabbing both women by the hair and yanking them apart. Douglas walks up to Tommy and asks him, "What are you gonna do now?" And in typical ECW over the top, hardcore-ishness, Tommy exclaims, "I'll take 'em both. I'm hardcore!" And a new kind of three way dance begins. This angle got ECW kicked off of every affiliate network that carried the syndicated programming. Who knew that seven years later Eric Bischoff would return to wrestling and bring about something like HLA, Hot Lesbian Action into the ring in WWE. And now WWE has a PG, all ages type of format that would never allow for that type of in ring shenanigans. Kudos to ECW for being pioneers in more ways than just violence and typical tits and ass type angles.

Swamp Thing (1982); A Hardcore Review SPOILERS

2010-09-22T09:53:00.000-07:00

What is there to say about a movie that utilizes supernatural chicanery via a rubber suited swamp monster with a hard plastic molded face? What can I say about it? Adrienne Barbeau and her amazing perm didn't save this movie. However, the skinny little black kid who owned and operated his own general store couldn't save it either. And then he got killed. Face down in a swamp boat. But the big green machine feels for all living things and used his super powers to bring the kid back to life and then later save the chesty heroine. Strange thing is, I've never read Swamp Thing, nope, not even Alan Moore's run. Cause well, Alan Moore is a wordy fucking Brit. And if I'm gonna read a comic book, I wanna read a comic book. If I wanna read a novel then I'll read an Alan Moore comic book. So, honestly I have no idea if Swampie can even bring people back to life. I do know he can travel through time and even went and saw Christ being crucified. Which is really weird since there is no God and obviously that means there was no Jesus.
Onto the movie in question. Alec Holland is a botanist working for the United States government. I can already see the magnitude of suckage this is gonna bring me. Holland and his pretty little sister, who Barbeau is jealous of cause she thinks she's Alec's wife, make up this magic glowing ooze, that seems like it should be in a canister that gets dropped into the sewers of New York onto a foursome of reptiles that explodes. Yes folks, this amazing plant fertilizer explodes. I wonder if Timothy McVeigh watched this movie at all. So then the explosion is sort of like the Big Bang for plants as it begins growing pine branches out of the wooden floor. So there's these other guys with guns who come in. One of them has a perm like Ms. Barbeau's and they threaten Dr. Holland and his sister. They gun her down in cold blood and take the notebooks containing all of Holland's knowledge. Let's just say they were really small notebooks. He grabs the goo and runs away, trips and blows up. Gets up off the ground completely engulfed in flames. Runs out of the wooden lab. Great idea, right. And into the swamp, where, even under water he continues to blow up.
Um then some really boring stuff happens. And the badguy is revealed to be Zartan, I mean some dude named Doctor Anton Arcane, who was wearing Ritter's face. Now Ritter was Holland's bodyguard, but apparently he was killed and skinned so Arcane could play dress up. See why this is such a stupid movie is they tried to interject plot. Here's the even more fucked up part. This whole movie was written and driected by Wes Craven. Yes, that Wes Craven, the one who's seemingly given up on telling quality horror stories in order to jump on the 3D bandwagon with "Just Fucking Kill Me Last Summer Already and I'll Scream in the Last House on the Left on Elm Street."
Rubber suits, complete with folds and creases like any good swamp monster. Not to mention Shakespearesque quality dialog by said monster, you know if Shakespear was seriously retarded, stoned and drunk all at the same time. Then Swampie gets his arm cut off, finds out photosynthesis grows said arm back and escapes from the shackles of man, free to destroy his oppressors. Oh wait I mixed this up with Nat Turner's Diary which will be out later this NEVER! Cause no white movie executive would ever tell a story about an oppressed black man who rose up and slaughtered a whole bunch of white people and then was later murdered himself. That would get the darkies thinking. If they could stop talking in the theatre long enough to hear anything.
See that's why this is the Hardcore Review. Cause I'll say shit like that. After a really shitty, and I mean Hulk Hogan like effort, Power Rangers type of final fight scene with Arcane, Alice Cable (Barbeau) doesn't get laid by Swampie, who walks off into the swamp without the theme from the Incredible Hulk playing the in the background.
So the grade for this would probably have to fall in the anals, I mean annals (how ever could I have made that mistake) of a poor young woman named Katie Vick. Now I know what you're thinking and this has nothing to do with a dog killing quarterback who couldn't throw the ball if his life depended on it. It seems Kane, brother of the Undertaker killed a woman while out driving one night when he was on a date. I didn't know they issued driver's licenses to ahem, seven foot tall big red retards like Kane, who at that point couldn't even speak without one of those voice thingies that throat cancer patients use. So she dies, and in a stunning grasp of what the fans want Vince McMahon decides to show a re-enactment of Kane humping the dead body of Katie Vick while she was in her casket. Triple H was feuding with Kane at the time and it was actually Triple H who screwed her brains out. I know Hunter had to have been hating this entire ordeal. But even the son in law to the boss doesn't hold enough stroke to get out of this abortion.

Zombieland; A Hardcore Review

2010-09-17T13:45:00.000-07:00

I forget if I already reviewed this movie. But you know what? It's my MagogDamn Hardcore Review. So I'll re-review it if I fucking want, and or forgot I already did. Now from the opening credits to the final moments with Tallahassee with Twinkee firmly in hand this movie is a winner.
Rules rules rules. We all have some. We follow some sort of dichotomy that we choose to live by, whether it be laws, rules of nature or things we fucking make up as we go along. We all have them, and you know what? Some are meant to be broken. Sometimes.
So Columbus, who is played by the other Michale Cera, Jesse Eisenberg who recently starred in The Social Network with Justin Timberlake, which I won't pay to see.
Cardio
The Double Tap
Seatbelts
Don't be a hero
Check the back seat
Just a few of the many many rules that Columbus lives by. After the zombie apocalypse Columbus who is a shut in, meets up with Tallahassee, played by the enigmatic Woody Harrelson, is an ass kicking guy with an arsenal or really odd weaponry, a love for Dale Earnhardt or at least the number 3 AND an unquenchable thirst for a Twinkee. Tallahassee sets a new standard when it comes to taking out zombies. There's some new fangled ways of taking those undead flesh cravers out. And I couldn't be happier to watch this new artform take shape.
And the fucking dialog is seriously hilarious. Rhett Reese and Paul Wernick are dialog gods on par with Kevin Smith and myself.
Emma Stone is hot, as always, and not completely without her merits in the Zombieland. I mean you would think, hot chick, pretty fucking useless when it comes to battling the undead. And Abigail Breslin has outgrown being the little chubby girl from Little Miss Sunshine, which is another awesome fucking movie and worthy of a Hardcore Review.
Now things get a little complicated when Tallahassee and Columbus meet Wichita and Little Rock (Stone and Breslin). Cause well Columbus is a bitch and all he wants in life is to meet a girl who he can brush her hair past her ear. And as romantic as that sounds, you're a little bitch who's only survived cause he's been lucky. Sure he does cardio and he has a bunch of rules, but let's face it, Columbus isn't the brightest, toughest or brazen individuals in movie history. I am glad that the lead character isn't this bullshit cliche tough as nails ass kicker. I mean even Tallahassee isn't even all that predictable in this flick. Sure he kicks some serious zombie ass, but he's also driven by Twinkees and uh, finding new and improved ways to dispose of the undead. That and his obsession with Bill Murray. The kill scene with Murray is so fucking funny, even Wichita breaks character and starts laughing. The thing I wonder about is if they really shot in Bill Murray's house. That would be an interesting fact.
The whole Wantin' Your Wampum gift shop scene is AWESOME. "Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying you're a wonderful human being..."
The driving scene in the Hummer after the trashing the gift shop where they're just shooting the shit, is classic. "You don't know who Willie Nelson is?..... Willie Nelson?..." "Yeah. No!" C'mon everyone knows who Willie Nelson is. EVERYONE!
I could go on and on and on about every fucking scene in this flick. But then again, it would be too long and boring after while. I mean I consider myself a really good writer, but rehashing every scene in even the greatest movie would get tedious after a bit.
The whole concept of disguising yourself as a zombie to avoid being attacked is fucking cool. And it's been done in Shaun of the Dead, and some comic books, which is a brilliant idea.
Ok, so for the grade. I go with Steve Corino versus Terry Funk in MLW in a barbed wire "I Quit" match. Bloody as you would expect. And just imaging the single toughest sixty year old EVER kicking the shit out of a thirty something for the MLW Heavyweight Championship. It was pretty brutal. And then of course the Extreme Horsemen come out and take out Funk on behalf of Corino. And the match ends without actually anyone actually saying "I quit," but with Funk wrapped up in barbed wire. Blood, sweat and a lot of ass kicking including Funk piledriving Corino through the ringside table. Fucking brilliant. And the best part was Corino offering Funk to simply say he quit before the match even started and walk away. To which Funk grabs the mike and tells Corino the same thing. Sixty years old, two bad knees and fucked up back and still fearless.

Scalped vol. 1; A Hardcore Review SPOILERS

2010-09-12T19:08:00.000-07:00

What can I say about this trade other than it's FUCKING BRILLIANT! Jason Aaron writes a compelling, deep seeded book that R.M. Guera draws about Dashiell Bad Horse, a Lakota man who's come back to The Rez to find it in worse shape than when he left. Bad Horse is made a law man by Lincoln Red Crow, with the hopes of cleaning up the reservation in time for the Crazy Horse Casino opening. Dash is not at all excited about the new position he has, but takes it like a champ kicking the shit out of anyone who gets in his way. Not the least is his former Red Power revolutionary mother, Gina, with whom he is estranged. Red Horse busts out meth houses, while keeping tabs on the old love he left behind 15 years ago. And she hasn't forgotten the heart break either.
Red Crow, the prosperous tribal leader is mired in getting his 97 million dollar casino off the ground, while structuring back alley deals with drug dealers and the men who put him power. Also on his plate is dealing with his scandalous daughter who is the source of much shame to him. Red Crow surrounds himself with plenty of muscle and guns to keep things from going under. But there's only so much that can save you when the man you just hired to keep the situation in order is an undercover FBI agent. And Red Crow has a little too much on his plate to notice all the holes in his grand scheme.
Bad Horse is a bad mother fucker in every sense of those three words. The term "tough as nails cop," gets thrown around a lot too often in descriptions for movies, tv shows and novels these days. As sadly America's vocabulary suffers greatly from lack of use of a thesaurus. But Bad Horse is someone you do not wanna fuck with. Upon his return, everything is thrown into the blender and then poured out in a concoction of gasoline and volatile methamphetamine chemical cocktails. This is a book you do not want to miss.
Guera's artwork is fashionably subdued for this piece. Nothing is warranted like a book with the perfect art to compliment the writing. And it doesn't get any better than Scalped. With a solid Earth-tone palette and grizzly realism, Guera paints a gritty and fucked up picture to Aaron's words. And the flashback sequences are nothing short of genius, having the palette shift to gray scale to show the separation of time. If this duo hasn't won an award yet, it's not for lack of effort, that's for fucking sure. People need to put this book on their pull list for fear of being left out of a title that truly changes the face of comics today. And that is what has set Vertigo apart from the rest for so many years now. Their willingness to let the talent be the talent and let them tell stories the way they can do it best.
The intrigue from a double murder almost 25 years earlier, sends FBI agent Nitz recruiting Bad Horse from the academy and sending him back to Lakota land to bring down Red Crow. This all ties in with Red Crow, Bad Horse's mother and the mysterious man trailing Bad Horse at his secret rendezvous with Nitz. And that's just the first two story arcs.
Scalped is one of the most brutally shocking crime noir comics ever, and that's it's best selling point.
As you may well know these reviews are graded based upon moments in wrestling history. The more hardcore, sexual, violent, classic or otherwise the moment, the more I approve of the piece I am reviewing. Scalped rates pretty fucking high on that list. With its frankly downright honest dialog and story telling to the truth it holds with the art, I cannot help but fucking love this book. You won't hear mention of Hulk Hogan in this review, except for right there. Hardcore is a title that is earned and should never ever be given to someone or something. Especially when that someone or something has not earned it. And when Vince McMahon bought ECW, he thought he bought the idea of hardcore. You can't buy a legacy. You can't hold an idea in your hands and claim it's yours cause you shelled out a few million bucks for it. But when Pantera's "Walk" blared into the Hammerstein Ballroom on January 7, 2001 it meant something. And when Rob Van Dam, stepped from behind those curtains that night, the crowd lost it. He confidently sauntered to the ring in his now iconic tiger striped singlet and the crowd chanted with him, "WHOLE FUCKIN' SHOW!" as he did the double thumbs. Rob put on a performance that few have tried and even fewer have equaled. That night he fought the only man to ever take him to his limit in Jerry Lynn, new recruit to Cyrus. Lynn professed at the start of the pay per view that he would only wrestle in main events if he ever wrestled again. It was the main event and it was spectacular, as Van Dam and Lynn pulled out all the stops and then some. And with no one on his side. Sidekick and manager Bill Alphonso was not at ring side to help, who was gonna aide Van Dam in delivering the most dangerous and deadly finisher is wrestling. In steps the quintessential stud muffin, Joel Gertner who had been battling with Cyrus all through 2000 on pay per views and during the Friday night ECW on TNN. Gertner jumped into the ring saying he could do Van Dam's bidding, and so he should. Holding the steel chair over Lynn's face as he lay damn near unconscious in the corner. All in one motion, Van Dam leaped to the top turnbuckle and sprang corner to corner, to deliver the very last Van Terminator in ECW.