Lisa's murderer sentenced to 22 years

Today in a Tucson court room, Paul Beam, the man responsible for murdering my old girlfriend Lisa Marie Berrie on August 12, 2008, was sentenced today to 22 years in prison after taking a plea bargain on second degree murder charges. This same time one year ago, Beam had been convicted of first degree murder, and in February of this year he was sentenced to 25 years to life without the possibility of parole. That was before it was discovered that one of the jurors had lied about her background.
For those of you who have never had the opportunity to be called for jury duty service I will let you know a little bit about the process. First, you cannot serve on a jury if you have ever been convicted of a felony. Unless your rights have been restored. This would include the ability to vote, and own a firearm. During the jury selection process, the judge will ask the prospective jurors questions about their lives, including job backgrounds, children, education and other thing relevant to the trial at hand. In the case of the juror misconduct, the woman lied about being both a victim and an assailant in domestic violence cases. This caused the judge, Clark Munger to order a mistrial. And for Beam to be retried.
I learned last night from Lisa's sister, Suzi, that the sentencing for Lisa's murderer was happening today. Which was a little bit odd, since I was called for jury duty today as well. Although in city court, not federal, which would handle a murder trial and sentencing. And I learned after being dismissed from service, that he had taken a plea bargain, dropping the charge from first degree murder which could carry a life sentence, to second degree murder which would involve significantly less time in prison.
Lisa would be 28 in December this year. Beam is 37 right now. Which means if he gets out prison he will be 59. I say "if" because, according to Suzi, Beam looked as if he had taken some abuse of his own during the past five hundred plus days he has spent locked up. Suzi also mentioned that Beam was chained to a small group of prisoners, all who faced sentencing today, and that the other felons looked disgusted when they heard what he had done.
My only thoughts are that when he gets out, twenty-two years is a long time to think about this. It's a long time to let emotions grow. And a long time to let the proverbial pot boil over. In twenty-two years I may be able to find the strength to forgive him for taking Lisa from this world... then again, probably not.

Remembering Lisa Berrie

I am taking this somewhat valuable time from working on my comic book projects to write what I consider a pretty important blog. A blog that sadly not that many people follow. And a blog that very few people will take to heart. Because two years ago a friend of mine was taken from this earth. Lisa Marie Berrie was just twenty-five years old. She was a mother of two beautiful children. A sister. A daughter and a friend to many.
Lisa was taken from this world and the people who loved her by a careless, thoughtless act of rage by someone who truly deserves all the horrible things that I hope happen to him. She was beaten and then strangled to death by her boyfriend and father of her second child, Paul Beam. As with a lot of "statistics" Lisa was killed, when she made the choice to leave a violent situation. Her bags were packed and at the door. Her car was pulled up to the apartment, as police reports indicated. And her two children were in the next room when she was murdered. It took nearly 15 months before her daughter began to speak again. But Lisa will never speak again. Her voice will never be heard by anybody again. Her beautiful smile will never be seen by human eyes again. And nobody will ever be able to hold her and feel her heart beat again.
Lisa was a quiet young woman with a lot of dreams and aspirations in life, including a college education and a new start. A new life far away from her abuser. Lisa will always be remembered by her friends, her family and her oldest child, Jeremy. Her youngest, Kaitlyn was sadly too young at the time of her mother's murder to remember her. But her son, Jeremy found the strength to face her killer last February and tell the world how angry he was that his little sister has no mommy. He clutched his mother's teddy bear closely when he read aloud his thoughts in the courtroom.
Lisa had the uncanny knack of hooking up with guys who really weren't good for her. Jeremy's father bailed when he found out she was pregnant. And Kaitlyn's father is the one who ultimately took her life. But somewhere in the chaos that was her life, Lisa found me. It was the Summer of 2000, and my right knee had already begun swelling and hurting for what would ultimately become what I thought would be my biggest life changing event. It turns out it was until one October night in 2009. I don't know why I logged onto that website that night. The night after Wonder Woman Day. The week after I got home from APE Con in San Francisco. Her sister contacted me and said she believed I used to know her sister, Lisa. Without thinking I responded in the positive and asked how Lisa was. And then it hit me. The past tense of the statement. I went to Suzi's myspace page and saw with sadness and horror what I had feared since she and I parted ways in 2003. Lisa was gone. A victim of domestic violence. Murdered by the hands of a man who was the father of one of her children.
It's been so long since I last saw her, and for some reason it still seems like yesterday. I can still hear her voice. I can still see her smile. And I still remember her quirky good nature.
No amount of bargaining, or vengeance will bring her back to us. No amount of money raised will make our lives whole again. Nothing can undo that fateful night. But I suppose everything happens for some cosmic reason. Domestic violence wouldn't matter this much to me if it had been someone I didn't know. Life wouldn't seem so fragile if we didn't feel this way about those we loved. And life matters. All life. And nothing will stop me from living my life. Nothing. I will always remember the girl with the big quirky smile who brought so much light to my life that Summer in 2000.

Everyone is somebody's child.
I miss you Lisa. Everyday for every day of the rest of my life.

NO JUSTICE for Lisa Berrie!

MURDERER GETS NEW TRIAL!
Tucson judge Clark Munger ordered a new trial for the convicted murderer of Lisa Berrie. Munger claims alleged juror misconduct during the jury selection. Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't the fucking trial judge sitting there when the jury is selected? Wasn't Munger a fucking witness to this? Did he not sit there in his fucking little gown and let this alleged juror misconduct happen? So what is he bitching about now? In calling for a mistrial Clark Munger, I refuse to call him a judge of anything, is spitting on Lisa's memory. Her life and the lives of everyone who has been a victim of domestic violence.
This piece of shit, Paul Beam doesn't deny murdering Lisa Berrie. He admits to it. He claims it was in the heat of the moment, sighting manslaughter. However heat of the moment cases of murder are MURDER 2, not manslaughter. Manslaughter is accidental. And I could care less for the judicial system now. It holds no weight over me anymore. Laws are made to pieces of shit off, and keep the masses in check. Lisa was murdered by a white trash piece of shit who doesn't deserve to be breathing the same air as the rest of so called civilized society. But I'm not asking for the death penalty. That's too easy. The fucker should rot in a prison cell, deprived of daylight and fresh air, bereft of any sort of visitors. He deserves freezing cold showers, rotten food and boiling hot water to drink.
The worst part about this is we just raised over four hundred dollars on Saturday to benefit Emerge! Center Against Domestic Abuse, and four days later I find out a murderer is getting a second chance. This wasn't an isolated incident for Paul Beam. Friends of Lisa say that Beam was possessive and controlling for more than the last two years of Lisa's life. Not letting Lisa leave home for anything other than work and school. And finally when she had enough and made the decision to leave him, it became a matter of life and death. But instead of being a man about it and letting her go. Or just doing the world a big favor and offing himself, the fucker chose to take a life. He chose to end Lisa's life. He took away her ability to make choices FOREVER! He stole a mother. A sister. A daughter. And a friend. Paul Beam deserves the worst that any hell can conjure up for him. He deserves wrath and pain and torment for whatever amount of life he has left in his fucking pathetic excuse for a body. And if it's only a moment more, it's a moment too long.

A new goal. A New Promise!

I John Chihak hereby promise;
"If we raise $500 or more for Emerge! at Wonder Women Day on May 1, 2010 at Charlies Comics, John will cut his pigtails!"
Come down. Get some cool artwork. Bid on auction items and HOPEFULLY see me in pigtails for the last time in a long time!

Emerge! Center Against Domestic Abuse
http://www.emergecenter.org/

Charlies Comics
5445 E 22nd St
Tucson, AZ 85711
520-320-0279
www.charliescomics.com

Wonder WOMEN Day! For Lisa

I've been thinking a lot lately about why I feel a need to make a difference in people's lives.
Back in 2000, I met Lisa Berrie through a mutual friend. Lisa was working at Zia Records and living in a group home type facility down the road from my apartment. However the case, through this encounter, Lisa and I dated for a very short time. She ended up leaving and not returning phone calls or letters, even though she was less than two miles away. Later news, from her younger sister indicates that this was not unusual behavior for Lisa.
I didn't hear from Lisa until a year later when I was going to college, and had just finished treatments for cancer. Lisa had just had Jeremy and during the final days of her pregnancy had gone to El Con Mall to walk with a friend. She saw the Magpies kiosk and inquired if I still worked there. Whoever was working said I did, and that I had just come back from an extensive medical leave for something involving my leg. Lisa remembered that while we were dating that my knee had been killing me and I had limited range of motion in it, due to swelling.
Lisa took this as a means to, when she was on maternity leave, contact me to find out what had happened to me medically. We talked for a while and then we met up once or twice. It was at this time that I had begun the process of becoming interested in another girl, and became super confused as to what I should do. Go with what I knew, as it may not have anything in it relationship wise, or go in a new direction. I chose the new direction and Lisa and I again parted ways.
In 2002, I broke things off with my girlfriend, to see if there was anything left with Lisa. There was not, and I had messed up a relationship in the process. Eventually, I got back together with my girlfriend. Things were going well, when one night I got a phone call. It was Lisa, and she was pretty shaken up. She asked me if I could be her friend and if I could help her out. I told her I wanted to, but due to leaving my girlfriend for her, I could not do it without first talking to my current girlfriend. She understood and I called up Melanie. As Melanie and I talked for about an hour, Melanie noted how I wanted to be a hero. She always supported the ideal and aspect of my personality. Melanie said that a hero doesn't get to choose when to help someone. And that I needed to do this.
I met back up with Lisa and talked to her a few times. For some reason things didn't last for our friendship. There were a lot of factors, including the troubled relationship she was currently in. For some reason, it seemed like this was and later, continued to be the case for Lisa.
In 2003 I got another phone call. It was Lisa. She had just moved into a new apartment and wasn't doing well. She was scared and depressed about the way things were going at work. I went to visit her. Jeremy was just walking and talking. While I was there we talked a little bit, but what I remember the most was that she sang, "You Are My Sunshine," to Jeremy. It was both beautiful and sad at the same time. Hearing the words brought about a vision of isolation and loneliness, while simultaneously having genuine love for her son. I don't think I will ever forget her voice and the words she sang. I told her that I would be her friend and that I would always be there to help her and protect her. I left her apartment and her life for the last time in 2003. I never saw her again.
Through the following years things had moved forward for me. I finished school. Got a job I actually cared about. And started my comic book. But through it all I worried. And I thought about Lisa. The skinny little girl, who took my virginity and had a smile that could light up a room. I thought about how things hadn't worked between us, and wondered why. And I hoped for her to pull herself up and become happier. But for whatever reason, I didn't make an effort to find her. I didn't even try. After all the words and promises, I did nothing. And I went on with my life.
And then one day after I had come home from APE Con in San Francisco. A week I will never forget for the sheer fun I had. Exactly one day after Wonder Woman Day 2009 on October 5, 2009, I checked my comicspace page. I don't know what prompted me to do it, but I did. I had a message for a new friend from a new member named Cunty McTwat. I recognized the name from myspace, but not the picture. I read the enclosed message that simply said, "I believe you used to know my sister, Lisa Berrie." I instinctively responded, "Yes, how is she doing?" and then sent the message. Suddenly I felt my heart sink. I immediately went to Suzi's myspace page and saw when I dreaded for six years... a memorial page for Lisa. Lisa Berrie had been murdered by her boyfriend Paul Beam in August of 2008 when she decided she had enough and decided to leave him. She was severely beaten and then strangled by Beam. And as she lay on the ground, her children in the next room, Paul Beam did the unthinkable. He didn't call for help. He didn't snap out of whatever had caused him to commit this atrocity. No, he called his father, who came, and did nothing to try and help Lisa. His father didn't administer first aid or give Lisa cpr. No, he shrugged his fucking shoulders and called an ambulance. By the time the ambulance had arrived, and gotten Lisa all the way to UMC, which was an hour later, she was pronounce dead.
All my promises. All my words. At that point meant absolutely nothing. I have spoken with a lot of people about my feelings regarding Lisa's murder. One has had a good point of view, and a lot of thoughts on it. One of the reasons I look and seem to be attracted to the underdog, and the people with troubled pasts or fucked up lives is cause in some warped way, I want to try and make atonement for not being there for Lisa. I am realistic about my life. I know there is nothing I can do bring Lisa back. I am not fooling myself into think there's something I can do to bring her back. But maybe, by helping people. Maybe if I help save a life. Somehow, some way, I can make amends for my failure as a friend and failing to keep my promise to her. Maybe somehow Lisa can forgive me for not being there. And I can achieve true penance for my sins.
In trying to do so, I have made up three prints that will be for sale at Wonder Women Day at Charlies Comics on Saturday May 1. I have drawn a picture for the art auction or Grrry in homage to the iconic picture of Rosie "The Riviter," which I feel is one of the most powerful images of women achieving outter strength through their inner strength. The prints will be just $5 each or all three for only $12. And every penny I make off of those prints will in turn be given directly to Emerge! Center Against Domestic Abuse here in Tucson. With the hope that nothing like this will ever happen to another parent's child, another girl's sister, or another child's mother.
I commemorate Wonder Women Day 2010 to Lisa M. Berrie, the skinny little girl who I met in 2000 who's smile lit up my life. I miss you Lisa

Wonder Women Day 2010 and Free Comic Book Day will be held at Charlies Comics in Tucson, AZ @
5445 East 22nd Street
Tucson, AZ 85711-5453
(520) 320-0279
www.charliescomics.com

the Day is set to benefit Emerge! Center Against Domestic Abuse
www.emergecenter.org

Please attend this important day. A day of fun, but a day with heart and meaning behind it.

Self Contemplations

So, a lot of things have gone down since I first found out about Lisa's murder. I continued working on Fuzzyface, and finally finished it; I've made some new friends; I thought I connected with someone and then it all got fucked up; I've thought a lot about having kids, and wondered what I have that I could offer the next generation; and I've just been having a ton of feelings. I recently learned that the judge in Paul Beam's murder trial may call for a mistrial based on juror misconduct. Like it matters. Guy kills his girlfriend and mother of his child and people don't even blink anymore. Truth is, it wouldn't have made a dent in my life if it happened to someone I didn't know. It's fucking horrible to say, but most of us live in this goddamn bubble all the time and never break out of it. We just don't want to have to lose whatever we might have left of ourselves to the horrors of the world. We don't want despair or ruin, but that's all they play on the fucking news. All the time; war, economy crumbles, terrorist attacks, plots by governments, food recalls, automobile recalls, children dying somewhere we've never heard of. They say the average American teen has witnessed 3000 plus murders in their life when reach fifteen. Because of television. The news. Schwarzenegger movies. Eminem rapping. And good old boy George W Bush spewing his hate, wrath and venom. Things used to make sense to me. And now, on the eve of producing something I had no idea I was capable of, I just don't fucking know. I want to be sure of things. I want to say I have life by the balls. And I even know for the most part I do. Right now my Bubbas are all sprawled out on my bed, snoozing and all I can do is want to cry and destroy things right now. I hate that life has to do this. I hate the peaks and valleys. But what I hate more is the plateaus. They seem to go on forever. I'm 31 and I don't feel old. But I don't exactly feel like a child anymore. I worry and I tremble. And sometimes I'm not sure if things will ever get any better. I'm scarred to be alone. And I don't know what to do to find someone who'll stand beside me. I just feel like drinking. I feel like maybe it's ok to give up. I know it's not. And I'm not gonna. But I just haven't felt whole in a while. And I think I know why. I made a promise to a girl back in 2003. I promised I would always be her friend and that I would protect her. And then I walked out that door and never saw her again. Never spoke to her again, but always wondered how she was. Always worried for her safety. She always had a knack for getting into fucked up relationships. And I know, in my heart she wouldn't want me to feel this way. But I can't change what is in my heart. I can't change what my heart wants. I can't undo what was done to her. Nothing I will ever do will bring her back. I know this. I can be logical about it. I understand how it all works. And it is probably why I am attracted to and attract younger women with a lot of personal issues. It's why I truly need to help someone. Cause if I can help just one person, maybe I can continue on. If I do something right, then maybe I can feel whole again. I honestly don't have a choice in this matter. It's something I have to do. This is my penance.

25 to life for Lisa's murderer

My friend, former girlfriend and one of my first loves was murdered by her boyfriend Paul Beam back in August 2008. She was strangled to death. Thing is, she didn't die right away. The mother fucker called his dad after he did it to try and bail him out. Had he called the ambulance right then she might have lived. She may have survived. Some chance is better than none. And he killed her. Like it was nothing. Because she had enough of his abuse and was going to leave him. With her two children in the next room, he strangled her to death. Bags packed, car parked out front of their apartment, he lost it. He couldn't have been a real man and let her leave. He couldn't have been a real man and gotten help. He chose to take a life. Her life. Not his own.
I think about this every day since the day I found out. I go back to the last time I saw her. When I said I would always be there to protect her. I promised her I would be there. I swore. She's gone. And all I have are memories and a broken promise. She deserved better. She always ran with a tough crowd. And I fucking saw it coming after things ended between us. For six years after I last saw her, I knew this would happen. But I didn't do anything. I didn't reach out. I didn't help. I didn't stop it. That's what heroes are supposed to do. They're supposed to help those who cannot help themselves. They're supposed to fight for what is right. By any means necessary. And now this fucking murderer is gonna get out in less than 25 years. They say 25 to life. But they don't mean it. They let murderers, rapists and child abusers out early and they let petty criminals who used or sold drugs sit in a cell and rot. They're going to let Paul Beam walk in 25 years or less. They'll let him out of jail and he'll be free. Forgiven by the people for what he did. Forgiven because in 25 years, the people will have forgotten about Lisa. They won't remember Jeremy, her son or her daughter Kaitlyn. In twenty-five years, he'll be an old man, pushing 63. In twenty-five years I'll only be 56. I'll be in good shape. And I'll be waiting.
I know Lisa wouldn't want him dead. I can feel it in my gut. But there's something inside me that just broke. Something, at some point that didn't believe in killing a killer. That the death penalty didn't prove anything. But that feeling is gone right now. I don't want rationale thinking. I don't want justice from the court's perspective. I don't want that injustice. I want true justice. I want him to suffer. I want him to cry for his worthless life. I want him to beg and plead. I want his life in my hands. And my fingers wrapped around his throat. I want you to know the pain she knew. I want to instill in you the fear she knew. You better hope the state decides better. You better hope they never let you out. Cause if this hatred grows inside me for twenty-five years, you're never going to want to meet me. You don't deserve life. You don't deserve to draw breath. You don't deserve anything good to happen to you. You deserve the worst we can fathom. You have earned my contempt. And you have garnered my hatred.