The Muppets; A Hardcore Review *SPOILERS*

I went to the movie theatre tonight for the first time in almost TWO YEARS. The last flick I saw was Avatar in 3D with my cousin, Jackie. But this time, there was a massive trip down memory lane. And complete with my trusty hetero lifemate and sidekick, Agnew Pennyworth, and my friend Dez and a couple of Target purchased bottled sodas, I bared witness to the brand new The Muppet Movie. Like all the previous Muppet movies in the franchise that now spans four decades, this one was loaded with celebrity cameos. Jack Black, Sarah Silverman, Selina Gomez, Whoopi Goldberg, Ken Jeong, Bill Cobbs, Alan Arkin, Neil Patrick Harris, former child star Mickey Rooney and Dave Grohl all made appearances. While sweetheart Amy Adams co-stars and personal friend of Seth Rogen, Jason Segal wrote and starred in this movie, which keeps in continuity. But unlike so many other movie franchises that are being rebooted, The Muppets I can proudly say, was not. But that is not quite where the movie starts. Brothers, Gary and Walter have grown up together. But as Gary got taller, Walter stayed the same size. Cause, Walter is a puppet. The thing the brothers have in common is their love for one another and their willingness to make each other happy. But as kids the duo rent a tape one night. A tape featuring the most beloved puppets of all time. And Walter falls in love with The Muppets. I mean who wouldn't. After years together and ten years of dating Mary, Gary decides to go to Los Angeles with his best girl and his best buddy and brother, Walter. All Walter sees is the opportunity to go to Muppet Studios. And here our story begins. The Muppets it seems, have been disbanded or broken up as it were, for some time. I just realized while writing this review that I have crushed three Pabst Blue Ribbons and not yet said a bad word. Well, while I can't change the former, unless I simply drink MORE, I resolve to change the latter. While visiting Muppet Studios, Walter breaks into Kermits Office and overhears the plot of rich oil tycoon Tex Richman to buy the property and level it, so he can drill for oil. However there is one small hitch to his plan. If the Muppets come up with ten million dollars in the next two weeks, then they can buy the rights back and save Muppets Studios.
This whole story reminds me a lot of The Muppets Take Manhattan in the sense that it's a reunion of sorts. And I loved every minute of this flick. I laughed until my cheeks hurt. It was that funny. I mean the whole reunion portion was done especially well. Kermit, fired up from a pep talk from Walter, Gary and Mary seek out the remainder of the Muppets. And there's a fuck load of them. With the help of 80's Robot, and his offering of Tab, "New" Coke and his dial up modem access information as the where-abouts of the rest of the cast. And as Mary states, if Kermit hadn't decided to crusade, "this is gonna be a really short movie." The first locates Fozzie who is stuck in Reno as front man for "The Moopets," complete with insane, probably drugged out, foul mouthed fake versions of the real deal. The next one to be found is Gonzo, who, along with Camilla is running an extremely successful, correction, the most successful plumbing business in the heart of "the Rust Belt." And for some reason, after being told "it's okay to follow his heart" from Camilla, Gonzo blows up the warehouse. The rest of the search is rendered via MONTAGE! I honestly don't want to reveal too much. Although even if I posted the whole fucking script, I know you would go and see it. Fifteen minutes from the end I knew I figured out the end of the movie as I noticed some possible points during the flick. But, happily I was proven wrong. Although not totally. And this movie delivered.
The Muppets was completely fucking worthy of being the first movie I've seen in theatres since January 2010. This movie made me so glad that I did Fuzzyface. And it made me shed tears when watching a movie for the first time since the last time I saw Armageddon. Don't judge me! Because it made me realize how important having a dream really is. I think too many people just give up on their dreams when they grow up. While, to paraphrase Gary, "growing up is not about believing in others. It's about believing in yourself." (Beer #5!) It's interesting how I get inspired. And this time, all it took was a bolt of fabric with a whole lot of personalities. See, everything you ever needed to know about growing up, you no doubt learned while watching something involving the Muppets. There are few people I give the label, "God" to. And as I have stated before, Jim Henson is one of them. And although, The Henson Workshop has since sold the Muppets to Disney, it still had the same ideals and message. And in this time of thanks, I am thankful for the Muppets. I really am. They have helped light a fire of inspiration under my ass. And as anyone who knows me knows, I consider the work that was partially based on my love for The Muppets, Fuzzyface was my greatest work thus far, it should not stand to discussion that The Muppets have become my muse for the long road ahead to bring YiA6 or Youth in Asia volume 2 as it were into my sights. It's gonna happen. Cause it has to happen.
I thought about the grade for this amazing venture. I thought that a comedy wrestling match might be just the thing that would fit. And it might have been, if not for something that poked up its blond head during that comedy match. The all time greatest wrestling entrance of ALL TIME! Whether it be during a match where someone was getting the shit kicked out of them, or whether it was a scheduled matchup. The best entrance in the business, which in and of itself made me start smoking again and always makes me smile when I shotgun a can of beer. Those guitar chords hitting and the crowd completely coming unglued, as (no matter how much I hate them on a personal level) Metallica's Enter Sandman blared through the P.A. system. The crowd looking around to finally see him. And finally, after maybe 30 seconds, the arm rose and the Kendo stick appeared. And the crowd, which was already unglued, fell to fucking pieces. The Sandman, although not a polished wrestler, and not billed as a wrestler at all, has and always will elicit a reaction EVERY fucking time I hear that song.

Zombie Tramp vol. 1; A Hardcore Review

Recently, I ordered Dan Mendoza's Zombie Tramp volume one from Super Real Graphics. I follow Dan on DeviantArt and have been admiring his pics of the Zombie Tramp, Janey. It's actually a light hearted tale about Hollywood's best call girl, Janey. Her Madame, gets blackmailed by a crooked cop and is forced to send Janey to the cop's home. Janey gets forced into the basement where the crooked cop's son is waiting, and hungry. For some reason, the cop's son is a zombie and he takes a chunk out of Janey's supple bod. Afterward, Janey dies.... and re-emerges, with the help of the equally busty Zombie Voodoo Priestess, Xula as The Zombie Tramp, the hottest, not completely clothed, large breasted zombie EVER!
This book is fucking great. It's done mostly in black and white, with splashes of color, mostly red. But damn it's fucking great. Who doesn't love some scantily clad goodness with extra large jublies all around. And there is nudity. I was fucking waiting for that through the whole book. And Dan finally delivered at the very end of the book. Zombie or not, there's a ton of comic book fans, male and female who would risk their humanity for a piece of that ass. And Mendoza is working feverishly on volume two. More ultra large zombie titties, bouncing around as only saline can deliver.
Zombie Tramp reads, much like a late 80's early 90's really low rent zombie flicks. B-Horror is one of the all time best genres of movies ever. I mean look at the great things we've gotten from it: Bruce Campbell, a naked as fuck Linnea Quigley, Sam Raimi, Liam Neeson, Bruce Campbell's chin and so much more. And this whole concept is as fun and fucked as anything could possibly be.
Zombies have become a staple of pop culture. Here in Tucson, we have Zombie Walk, and there's a Zombie Ball, at Phoenix Con we get Zombie Prom and the Zombie Beauty Pageant. Zombies have taken the world by storm, something piss poor vampires never totally could. And Stephanie Meyer, if you ever think to write a story about sparkling zombies, I will find you and sing annoying songs at the top of my lungs until your ears bleed.
Now for the grade. As you may or may not know, I don't use some sort of lame thumbs up my ass, a piss poor letter or number grade. No, this is the mother fucking, original HARDCORE REVIEW. I only grade with hardcore moments in wrestling history. And this is not an exception to that rule. It was the very first episode of ECW on Sci-Fi, produced by the WWE. And I know, you're thinking nothing involving WWE's ECW was hardcore. But I hit you in the face with a steel chair with thumb tacks super glues to it. Listen up spunky, cause here we go. It's actually two moments from that initial show. The first being Paul Heyman's emergence and presentation of the new ECW World Heavyweight Championship belt to Rob Van Dam, who had just won the WWE Championship from John Cena at ECW's One Night Stand two nights before. When Heyman gives the belt to RVD, RVD says he's honored to have the belt he fought for in ECW for so many years. But he wants to keep the WWE Championship too. The quote is awesome, "Look, it spins!" God I loved that shit! The second part, was when a fucking zombie came out of the walkway and tried to cut a moaning promo in the middle of the ring. The crowd honestly didn't know what to think, when all of a sudden (not on television tho) "Enter Sandman" hits the PA system and the crowd fucking lost it. Sandman walks he way down to the ring, shotgunning beers the entire way. Stumbles over the barricade, slides into the ring and canes the holy fuck out of the zombie. They rigged the zombies shirt full of sawdust, so every time he got nailed, dust flew into the air and the crowd cheered as wrestling's Hardcore Icon beat the shit out of some poor sonofabitch who is probably a star now under Vince McMahon's infinite wisdom. Hope you enjoyed this review as much I enjoyed drinking while writing it.

Ocho: A Hardcore Review

Today I review Ocho, originally called Three Blind Mice, a comic created by Eric Mengel of the greater Phoenix area of Arizona. The basis of the book is three odd friends, Ocho (a giant blue man from the planet Crountoor), Pitbull (a nose picking goofball with aspirations of being famous) and Petey (a chain smoking cigar chomping teddy bear with a penchant for the absurd).
The first volume begins with the motley trio meandering around Mill Avenue in Tempe. Petey and Pitbull had just been put in the news paper for saving a stripper who was choking on a chicken wing. The stripper gave them each a thousand bucks for the save. However given the events later in the book, it's very likely that it was actually Ocho who saved the woman. As Ocho foils a bank robbery, but wanting his anonymity, Ocho tells Pitbull to wait for the cops. And Pitbull and Petey become "the heroes of Tempe."
Things continue to go awry, as they meet with their friend Eric, who is working on comics inside Coffee Plantation, also on Mill Avenue. Ocho tells Eric he needs a job and is trying to convince his buds to also contribute. Eric helps him by recommending Palapa, a bar around the way. Ocho becomes a bouncer at Palapa.
I honestly didn't know if I was gonna like this story at first. I began reading it at Amazing Arizona Con between customers and lookie loos. There was far more down time than I would have liked. But that's con life. Sometimes you're Stan Lee and sometimes you're how Rob Liefeld should be, lonely and broke!
But I read the stories mainly while working my overnight shift at the group home I work at. Which is seriously coincidental, cause creator Eric Mengel works at a group home. So I feel a serious connection with him. And that's not the only reason. We're both small, or micro if you will, press comic book creators. And, I seriously hope he doesn't mind me saying this, his mother is sadly dying from cancer. I was diagnosed with bone cancer, just over ten years ago.
Ocho is a phenomenal book. I honestly have to say I'm less of a fan of the story line involving his home planet of Crountoor, and more a fan of the slice of life aspect involving Ocho trying to live a semi normal life, and Pitbull and Petey just wankering around. It has a great story. And a lot of backing by some pretty cool people in the local community.
Eric,has been doing comics since 1995. In fact the last issue in the second trade paperback is from 1995. Mengel has a good head on his shoulders and the ability to keep cranking out Ocho. He's got a following, support and the will power to keep going. Ocho is a seriously funny fucking book. A book you should read, if you like slice of life, and the bizarre. He's up to the teens in issues, and has done some pinup work for other local artists and their collected editions. In the future, I would not only continue reading Ocho, but volunteer to do a pinup or two for Eric and his work. Especially if I got to draw the stripper who choked on the chicken wing.
As you may or may not know (if you don't read my reviews you FUCKING should), I grade everything I review on a hardcore moment in professional wrestling history. The more hardcore the moment, wrestler or event, the more I liked the book. As if you couldn't already tell by reading the fucking review. But every reviewer has their system of grading. Some of the more unoriginal bastards or bitches in this game use stars, thumbs up or down, or a fucking letter grade. But nothing rings truer than a moment that already burns in time. So here goes... in the early days of ECW, there was a rivalry. And a match. Sandman, the beer guzzling, chain smoking, cane swinging, pain inducing freak of nature versus the then pretty boy, baby face, who would eventually become "The Innovator of Violence," Tommy Dreamer. The match itself may or may not have been something to write home about. But the matches stipulation sure as fuck was. The match was a "Singapore Cane" match. The loser... would receive a violent caning to the back. Dreamer lost. And a caning he got. All he had to do was kiss Woman's (the Sandman's manager) feet. But he refused after every cane shot. With his back bleeding and bruised, fans pleading with Tommy to stay down, Dreamer stood face to face with the Sandman and said, "That's all you got? I took your best shots and I'm still standing here." Truly a defining moment in the history, not just of ECW, but of hardcore wrestling.