The Muppets; A Hardcore Review *SPOILERS*

I went to the movie theatre tonight for the first time in almost TWO YEARS. The last flick I saw was Avatar in 3D with my cousin, Jackie. But this time, there was a massive trip down memory lane. And complete with my trusty hetero lifemate and sidekick, Agnew Pennyworth, and my friend Dez and a couple of Target purchased bottled sodas, I bared witness to the brand new The Muppet Movie. Like all the previous Muppet movies in the franchise that now spans four decades, this one was loaded with celebrity cameos. Jack Black, Sarah Silverman, Selina Gomez, Whoopi Goldberg, Ken Jeong, Bill Cobbs, Alan Arkin, Neil Patrick Harris, former child star Mickey Rooney and Dave Grohl all made appearances. While sweetheart Amy Adams co-stars and personal friend of Seth Rogen, Jason Segal wrote and starred in this movie, which keeps in continuity. But unlike so many other movie franchises that are being rebooted, The Muppets I can proudly say, was not. But that is not quite where the movie starts. Brothers, Gary and Walter have grown up together. But as Gary got taller, Walter stayed the same size. Cause, Walter is a puppet. The thing the brothers have in common is their love for one another and their willingness to make each other happy. But as kids the duo rent a tape one night. A tape featuring the most beloved puppets of all time. And Walter falls in love with The Muppets. I mean who wouldn't. After years together and ten years of dating Mary, Gary decides to go to Los Angeles with his best girl and his best buddy and brother, Walter. All Walter sees is the opportunity to go to Muppet Studios. And here our story begins. The Muppets it seems, have been disbanded or broken up as it were, for some time. I just realized while writing this review that I have crushed three Pabst Blue Ribbons and not yet said a bad word. Well, while I can't change the former, unless I simply drink MORE, I resolve to change the latter. While visiting Muppet Studios, Walter breaks into Kermits Office and overhears the plot of rich oil tycoon Tex Richman to buy the property and level it, so he can drill for oil. However there is one small hitch to his plan. If the Muppets come up with ten million dollars in the next two weeks, then they can buy the rights back and save Muppets Studios.
This whole story reminds me a lot of The Muppets Take Manhattan in the sense that it's a reunion of sorts. And I loved every minute of this flick. I laughed until my cheeks hurt. It was that funny. I mean the whole reunion portion was done especially well. Kermit, fired up from a pep talk from Walter, Gary and Mary seek out the remainder of the Muppets. And there's a fuck load of them. With the help of 80's Robot, and his offering of Tab, "New" Coke and his dial up modem access information as the where-abouts of the rest of the cast. And as Mary states, if Kermit hadn't decided to crusade, "this is gonna be a really short movie." The first locates Fozzie who is stuck in Reno as front man for "The Moopets," complete with insane, probably drugged out, foul mouthed fake versions of the real deal. The next one to be found is Gonzo, who, along with Camilla is running an extremely successful, correction, the most successful plumbing business in the heart of "the Rust Belt." And for some reason, after being told "it's okay to follow his heart" from Camilla, Gonzo blows up the warehouse. The rest of the search is rendered via MONTAGE! I honestly don't want to reveal too much. Although even if I posted the whole fucking script, I know you would go and see it. Fifteen minutes from the end I knew I figured out the end of the movie as I noticed some possible points during the flick. But, happily I was proven wrong. Although not totally. And this movie delivered.
The Muppets was completely fucking worthy of being the first movie I've seen in theatres since January 2010. This movie made me so glad that I did Fuzzyface. And it made me shed tears when watching a movie for the first time since the last time I saw Armageddon. Don't judge me! Because it made me realize how important having a dream really is. I think too many people just give up on their dreams when they grow up. While, to paraphrase Gary, "growing up is not about believing in others. It's about believing in yourself." (Beer #5!) It's interesting how I get inspired. And this time, all it took was a bolt of fabric with a whole lot of personalities. See, everything you ever needed to know about growing up, you no doubt learned while watching something involving the Muppets. There are few people I give the label, "God" to. And as I have stated before, Jim Henson is one of them. And although, The Henson Workshop has since sold the Muppets to Disney, it still had the same ideals and message. And in this time of thanks, I am thankful for the Muppets. I really am. They have helped light a fire of inspiration under my ass. And as anyone who knows me knows, I consider the work that was partially based on my love for The Muppets, Fuzzyface was my greatest work thus far, it should not stand to discussion that The Muppets have become my muse for the long road ahead to bring YiA6 or Youth in Asia volume 2 as it were into my sights. It's gonna happen. Cause it has to happen.
I thought about the grade for this amazing venture. I thought that a comedy wrestling match might be just the thing that would fit. And it might have been, if not for something that poked up its blond head during that comedy match. The all time greatest wrestling entrance of ALL TIME! Whether it be during a match where someone was getting the shit kicked out of them, or whether it was a scheduled matchup. The best entrance in the business, which in and of itself made me start smoking again and always makes me smile when I shotgun a can of beer. Those guitar chords hitting and the crowd completely coming unglued, as (no matter how much I hate them on a personal level) Metallica's Enter Sandman blared through the P.A. system. The crowd looking around to finally see him. And finally, after maybe 30 seconds, the arm rose and the Kendo stick appeared. And the crowd, which was already unglued, fell to fucking pieces. The Sandman, although not a polished wrestler, and not billed as a wrestler at all, has and always will elicit a reaction EVERY fucking time I hear that song.

Captain America: A Hardcore Review

Today I review the star spangled pretty boy Captain America. Kind of interesting, that America decided to fight the Nazis with a poster boy for the Aryan Nation. Even more interesting is that Nazis are fucking morons. Cause well, look at fucking the definition of Aryans as a race.
So this flick I rented via Redbox on Bluray last night. And Redbox is so nice that it warns you that you are about rent a Bluray that will not play in a standard dvd player.
Captain America starts off with a really sweet scene in the present. And I'm sitting telling my friend Chankla that, "dude, they're gonna find Cap frozen in an ice cube." Then, we jump back to the early 1940's where a young Steven Rogers, all of 98 pounds gets a 4F rating for joining the Army four times after lying on his paperwork. The cool thing was that the whole series of time it's Chris Evans all CGI'd to look all wimpy and tiny. But then when he emerges from the Super Soldier chamber, he looks like a fucking 12 inch GI Joe doll. It just seemed really odd to me, especially the whole really lame romantic tryst between Agent Peggy Carter and Steve. It felt forced, but she was pretty effing hot. I dig that 40's 50's pinup model look. But add some tattoos. Anyways, the movie had a lot of fucking cheese to it. But then again, we're talking about a guy who dresses up in red, white and blue. That's pretty fucking lame in appearance. I can't believe how stupid comic book characters look in movies when they look pretty cool in print. It struck me years ago when I saw a scene from the 1989 Batman movie where Batman and Vicki Vale are running through the city, it just looks really stupid. But this flick had great action, although the portions shot specifically for 3D were really ultra cheese. I wish Hollywood would knock off the 3D gimmick. And for all of you assholes who were dumb enough to purchase a 3D flatscreen and a 3D Bluray player are gonna be so sorry when that shit breaks and you're stuck with a fucking television that has a really warped looking picture. "Who's stupid now ya dirty sheep fucker?!"
So, the action was pretty well choreographed, but there were points that looked extremely cheesey. I did however love the nod to Cap's original costume and shield with the war bonds getup. I think if we re-edit that scene with "America Fuck Yeah," from the Team America movie. In fact. pretty much this entire flick was a propaganda piece. Especially while we're again at war for some fucking stupid reason that doesn't involve our freedom being trounced. Cause then our military would be sitting out front of the Capitol building in Washington DC and they be under heavy mortar fire.
I dug the issuing of the new shield and the explanation of the Vibranium. I really dug the whole technology angle with Howard Stark. His armor and everything. It just looks so lame with the coloration on screen. It's one of those things I really don't think works in a real life type event. But that's also what makes the comics so special and fun to read.
The super high points of Captain America was seeing Dum Dum Dugan and how awesome Red Skull looked. Hugo Weaving is one of my favorite actors. Cause anyone who can be behind a mask for an entire movie, and still make for a compelling character is a stellar actor. I loved the end scene where the try and ease Cap into the 21st century. That was great. I really liked a lot when it comes to Captain America, although I've never been a reader or collector of Captain America comics. I just don't really like his as a character. And I totally empathize with the idea that there is no way the American government would ever test on a white soldier before testing on a black soldier like in Captain America The Truth or Red White and Black, whatever the fuck that mini series was called. But overall I would say it was just a lead in to the Avengers movie for next year. And anyone who would put this on their top movie list is a fucking idiot. It basically was just a movie made to have like 8 different Captain America action figures. It was a merchandising attempt and nothing more.
In doing so, I give this flick a grade it deserves, a match that has been added to two dvd comps for WWE. Bet Ladder Matches and Essential Starcade. And didn't deserve to be on either. It had so many missed spots and a really fucking lame ending. From the final Starcade in 2000, the three way tag team ladder match that had the winner being the single man, not team, who climbed the ladder and grabbed the contract for a Cruiserweight Championship match the following night on Nitro. Of course WCW had slipped so far off the deep end that I guess this match was supposed to be epic in scope, but pailed in comparison to the three way tag team ladder matches in the WWE that were being put together by the Hardy's, the Dudley's and Edge and Christian. 3 Count versus the Jung Dragons versus Karagias and Knoble was a trainwreck of a match. Missed spots. A really fucking lame ending where both members of 3 Count grabbed the contract at the same time. Plus the garish big lime green baggy pants 3 Count wrestled in were icing on the cake. I mean the announcing even sucked, as there was no Bobby The Brain Henan. But at least there was lovely little Kimona Wannalaya, as Leia Meow.

Batman Year One dvd; A Hardcore Review

Wow. When I watched this, I was all psyched and motivated to let loose on one of Frank Miller's finest works. But mere days later, I'd sooner not piss on Miller were he on fire and I had just drunk a shit load of Pabst Blue Ribbon. Why'd Miller have to open his fucking mouth? Hello! Mr. "Comics are Renegade." You ain't so renegade now are ya. You joined that mighty 1% when you sold your soul and Will Eisner's legacy with that fucking horrible Spirit movie attempt. I would just call it a movie, but c'mon, let's be honest, it really wasn't. And for those of us who saw it, we sure as fuck can't UNSEE it. You who shit all over Brian Azzarello's Eisner Award acceptance speech cause he said, "fuck," in front of the venerable Mr. Eisner. A man like you, who's spent years shocking people with blood and guts, over the top violence and rampant sexism is offended when people begin taking to the streets in protest of what Corporate America is doing to Americans. You who say you're renegade, but you're scared of people voicing their disdain with corporate greed. and you call them, "louts, theives and rapists?" How so Frank. And I assume I can call you Frank cause well, I refuse to show you any sort of respect by calling you Mr. Douchebag. It's just like how America was founded Frank, you know, except without all that pesky, slavery and genocide. Well, onto the review I guess, I'll try and remain impartial here folks, but I am an artist and you know how off kiltered and emotional, louts we can be. busy thieving and raping our way up the food chain.
So, this is the modernization of the Batman. Taking him from the Golden Age of the 1940's to the much grimmer and more realistic 1980's. Jim Gordon, has transferred to Gotham City as their newest lieutenant. Meanwhile, Bruce Wayne has returned after a more than decade long self imposed exile. Planning on avenging the murder of his parents by taking on every badguy in Gotham, Wayne has everything he needs, technique, drive, money and motive. Everything that is, except the one thing he really needs.
Gordon spends his first days of the story babying his pregnant wife, and getting to know the "ins and outs" of being a cop in Gotham. And that entails finding out most of the payroll of Gotham City's finest is also on the payroll of some of Gotham City's worst and getting the shit kicked out of him, with baseball bats by said finest. Wayne spends his first few days back, getting the shit kicked out of him by some of Gotham City's not so finest citizens. Then, he sits in a big comfy chair and decides if he should ring the bell to summon his man servant, Alfred to sew up his wounds. All the while, he's talking to his dead father about what real strength is. And just then when he can't take it anymore, wouldn't you know it, a fucking bat flies through the window and sits on his father's head. Or at least the head of the bust of his father.
So I guess, even in a blood loss induced state, ol' Brucie was able to grasp the concept that nothing produces fear, like the threat of rabies. Or maybe it was sparkly vampires, I don't fucking know. Anyhow, this fucking movie rocked. Why the fuck was it in the kid's section at Target? Cause today's kids are so much more mature than you were when you were a tyke. But then again, when I was a kid, I used a little thing called my imagination, played outside a lot and oh yeah there were less obese children too. Shut your face fatty this is my review and I'll make fun of whoever the fuck I want. I already made fun of the middle aged white guy who's obviously wound a bit too tight.
I didn't go with the two disk dvd set of this flick, cause it included 2 or 3 Batman cartoons that were hosted by Bruce Timm. I no doubt already own those 2 or 3 cartoons, and have no doubt seen them about a hundred times before.
But this flick was a lot of fun. It wasn't panel for panel the Year One of old, but it was fucking nice. The design, tone of the flick really matched Mazuchelli's art from the book. The voice casting was great. I didn't mind that Kevin Conroy wasn't cast as Batman/Bruce Wayne cause it was fucking Year One and it wasn't quite time for the gravel voice, but past time for Christian Bale's guttural growl of, "What the fuck did you just say?" No, this was the perfect mix with Bryan Cranston's semi cranky Jim Gordon, Eliza Dushku's sexified Catwoman, and the veteran Jon Polito as Commissioner Loeb, with Ben McKenzie as Bruce Wayne/Batman. It made sense in a lot of different ways.
Gordon begins his meteoric climb towards becoming Commissioner, while Bruce dawns the cape and cowl, gets a television smashed over his head all in the process of honing his craft. The fight sequences were amazingly rendered, and had that quasi-retro feel to it. The color palette was spot on. The thing I did not care for, is the merging of 2D and 3D animation. I know it's easier at times with certain things, like vehicles, city scapes, but to me it takes away from the pure feel of the experience. Especially when it's a retro type flick. I mean if it was Green Lantern, I'd be all for it. But an 80's Batman cartoon, c'mon. You know it's gonna be the biggest DC cartoon feature released this year. You're gonna make your money back. Oh and stop farming your "in-betweens" to fucking Korea. Keep it here in the states. I swear, this is why Occupy Wallstreet is going on. There's tons of AMERICAN animators looking for work. Especially since that fucker Michael Eisner shut down Disney's 2D feature studios down a few years back. Although, with The Princess and the Frog, I guess they started it back up. But, direct to video super hero projects are becoming in vogue and very kitchie. We're all the 99% here Warner Brothers.
Honestly I'm really glad DC made this edgy cartoon movie. DC's cartoon features have been super successful in my opinion. Great direction, superb casting and some of the best mother fucking story writing and adaptions I have witnessed. With DC moving in this direction, it gives me confidence that they will eventually be able to adapt The Dark Knight Returns into an animated feature, not unlike they did for the short in BTAS, Legends of the Dark Knight. And again, as much as I love Kevin Conroy as the one true voice of Batman, the casting in that short of Michael Ironside as an aging Dark Knight was nothing short of perfect. Here's hoping DC.

I'm not gonna tell you how I fucking grade my Hardcore Reviews. The fucking grade should give you that inkling. That and the fact that I cuss a lot. But this comes from an early episode of Eastern Championship Wrestling on Sports Channel Philadelphia, or ECW Hardcore TV. A young JT Smith fought the The Dark Patriot, secretly the brother of "Hot Stuff" Eddie Gilbert, and member of Hot Stuff International and the newly reformed Dangerous Alliance. The match itself wasn't really anything special, but the end of it was fucking HARDCORE. The Dark Patriot and Smith fought up to the "eagle's nest" above the ECW Arena, where with a few powerful punches Smith is sent over the side, tumbling 15 feet to the cold arena floor.

Seven Samurai; A Hardcore Review

What comes to mind when you think of epic movies? What comes into your train of thought when you think the word, "epic?" Is it some shoddy spaghetti western? Some Peter Jackson adaption of a series of books? Or maybe a universe spanning crossover that forces you to buy thirty comics you don't really want in the first place? Well, to me, "epic" is three and a half hours of some of the greatest visual storytelling I've ever seen. Now, I'll be honest, I'm not nor have I ever really been a student of the "classics." I read Shakespeare only in class. Silver Age comics are a mind numbing bore into my skull. And the bible. Well, I've wanted to roll a few fatties with those pages. And I used to nod off during mass as a young teen. Now don't get me wrong. I feel one can have respect for the classics. For a legacy. But there comes a time in history, when super hero stories about a woman being trusted to run an aircraft company, who's more interested in tying the knot with a super hero she's met all of twice. And his alter ego who tries to out do his magic space ring wearing self with indulgences in chauvinism, who spews dialog that makes me want to tear my ears off, even though it's printed is just passe. But there are some things that truly transcend time, and history and most of all technology itself. And Akira Kurosawa's "Seven Samurai" is just one of those things. This movie has fucking everything. And to think it feels like it starts right smack in the middle of a plot point. This movie is something every director of so called cinematic masterpieces like, Jackson, Ridley Scott, Lucas and Bay need to learn from. It's called story, plot and pacing. Something Kurosawa did in spades with this flick.
You would think the name says it all. But the samurai are truly only half the story. The journey to find these seven noble warriors willing to risk their lives for people you wouldn't spit on. There is something to be said for honor. For pride. For just fucking doing what is right. And don't get me wrong, there are a lot of good people out there, who do good things and ask for very little in return. And quite often, they get just that; very little.
The samurai were of noble heritage. Think of the knights. And just like knights from Europe, most were drunkards, who pillaged and looted near empty villages and raped women and murdered children. It seems civility cannot be made by being born into nobility.
Kurosawa shot this film for release in 1954, six years before the release of The Magnificent Seven, which was an obvious remake. I've never seen that Steve McQueen movie, but I'm sure it's not nearly as majestic as Seven Samurai. You don't often get films like this these days that aren't bogged down with massive continuity problems, shot with million dollar equipment or CGI enhanced till it makes your fucking eyes bleed. Oh, fuck's sake help me, in 3D.... It's a gimmick Hollywood, just like foil enhanced covers for comics and gold stamped baseball cards. It does not substitute for quality. And it should never be mistaken for it either. Kurosawa had a vision that he launched into several epic in scope movies. Most of his films were remade by Hollywood into "color" spaghetti westerns. Complete with tough guys with no personality, who were almost villainous in character. Well, FUCK THAT! It's bullshit to rip off someone's idea and then not only NOT improve upon it, but make it that much worse. Well Kurosawa is the original. The guy who inspired those spaghettis westerns that inspired John Woo that "inspired" Tarantino, complete with lousy tough guys spouting a verbal diarrhetic of unintelligible jabber.
Some of you may know these reviews, and some of you may not. Well, a quick recap of my grading system. It's called the Hardcore Review for a reason. I cuss, I'm often drunk while writing them. And I use moments from professional wrestling history as a basis for my grade. The more hardcore, bloody, sexual the action; or awesomely fucked up the verbiage, the more I liked and heartily recommend this work. And here goes. In 1993 a small promotion in Pennsylvania took on a short lived relationship with an organization that had seemingly folded years before. Less than one year after that merger, there was a tournament to crown the new NWA World Heavyweight Champion. Now this didn't make much sense after WCW split from the NWA and crowned their own World Title, and the then WWF had had their version for years. But this little upstart company, that was making waves and with this moment solidified their mark in wrestling history. Shane Douglas won the two day tournament. And as he was presented with the newly minted NWA belt, he spoke a few words. He dedicated the win to his recently deceased father. He mentioned ever major champion in NWA history, even his much hated Ric Flair. And then... he threw down the belt and said, "And they can all kiss my ass!.... Cause I am not the man to be handed a torch from a company that died, RIP seven years ago! I am the man who ignites the new flame of THE SPORT of professional wrestling." He then grabbed the ECW (Eastern Championship Wrestling) Heavyweight Title and proclaimed himself the ECW World Heavyweight Champion.

X-Men First Class; A Hardcore Review

"Go fuck yourselves!" The single greatest line Wolverine has ever uttered... EVER! But why Wolverine can say "fuck" and Mystique has no visible nipples confounds me. But back to the point. Wait, what was the fucking point? Oh, right, First Class, with characters who didn't show up until like a few years ago. Great continuity job there guys. Look I hate the concept of reboots. But I hate the concept of shitty reboots even more. And when there is only ONE original X-Man in the FIRST CLASS, there's gonna be a problem. But down deep, this was a good movie. A really good movie. I wanted to hate it. And believe me, I got my moments, which I will fully blast later, but this was a solid flick. I loved that they used footage from the first X-Men movie when Magneto's powers first manifested. And I loved how Shaw used Magneto as a test case, and brought the source of his powers out. It was AWESOME! Plus, Kevin Bacon's German, and Russian were great. Not that I speak either language. I mean, let's be honest, I can barely handle English or American, but whatever you wanna call it.
Magneto's journey of vengeance was flat out, very well done. And done with such fervor and rage, it was fucking believable. That's what I liked about it. But to balance out Magneto's anger, was Charles Xavier's serenity. Somehow, knowing all these people hate him and want him dead, even after all his team did, he still wanted to make the world better by just blending in. Magneto did, at the end, bring out the Malcolm X to Xavier's Martin Luther King Jr. It made sense. And fusing it with actual history, including the Cold War and the Cuban Missile Crisis was super well done. I have been super impressed with this and one other film that melded with American history and used it so well, by integrating it with the story. Surprisingly well done. I dug the cast of characters, for the most part. And of course like any sci-fi movie, the black guy died first. At least it wasn't on accident so the two estranged white people got to live, but the whole team. And he made that choice to try and help defeat Shaw and his ripoff Nightcrawler. But what the fuck was a go-go dancing stripper named who had DRAGONFLY tattoos on her back called Angel for? And how many women, in 1962, even a stripper, had huge fucking wings tattooed on there backs? One of the worst keeping with the 60's motif in the movie. That and the fact that the white and black mutants got along. C'mon, there wasn't any tension between them. But there was issues with Hank McCoy who had weird feet? What the fuck? Oh, and then when he transforms he becomes unable to make his mouth move in accordance with his speech. And he didn't get any bigger body wise, but his head grew EIGHT sizes that day. And while I am on the subject of Beast, if he did become more animalistic in nature, than wouldn't he lose the need for glasses? He would have predator eyes.
But back to the good. The search for the mutants. Man, the fucking cameo of Wolverine was CLASSIC!
Xavier: "Hi, I'm Charles Xavier and this is-"
Wolverine: "Go fuck yourselves!"
Xavier: "Alrighty then..... Eric, I think I just wet me britches a smidge."
Why was a 16 year old in solitary confinement and he wasn't all scary or crazy. I mean he was antisocial, but not hardcore about it. You know, I never liked White Queen all that much, but GODDAMN January Jones has got a set of titties on her. And she's like what a buck five, with tits that make her a buck fifteen. The diamond effect was cool. And even though he was a Nightcrawler knock off, Azazel had his moments. He was cool looking, but I dunno, I just love Crawler so much, that I couldn't like him at all. Although the way he used his power was pretty badass. But the pretty much unlimited teleportation range was a fucking bit much. And what was the point of Angel? Dude, there was like the most useless character. But she lives, cause she's hot and I guess only half black or Asian. And the full on negro bites the dust, by getting exploded from the inside. And by the guy who used to be the Nazi official.... do tell.
This movie was cool for the most part in my mind because of the mutant searching, the training and Magneto's search for revenge. Those are elements that made for a great new beginning. And Xavier and Mystique's relationship was really cool. Knowing that even in the end when he told her to go with Magneto, he wasn't reading her mind. Oh, and how come Xavier has to touch his temple to activate his powers? And why does Magneto need to motion towards the object he is manipulating? I understand it when he's still learning to use his power. But Emma Frost didn't have to do that. Shaw sorta did, but he was absorbing and expelling energy.
The breakdown of the first big battle and the training sequences alone made this flick for me. Sure there were parts that sucked, but with most comic book movies is to hope that they get the spirit of the characters correctly and the story makes sense and is epic in a way. Solid story, really good cast. Using a lot of unknown and lesser used actors, solid effects and mostly great characters.... X-Men First Class was a great reboot. And I never thought I would hear myself say that. Then again I never thought I would cheer a Wolverine one liner either.
If you're just tuning in, the Hardcore Review doesn't use thumbs, letters, numbers or even a hefty, nifty little shiny one liner for the movie poster or dvd slip case. I use hardcore moments in wrestling history as a basis for my grades. If the review is favorable, expect, foul language, sex, blood and more. If it sucks, expect Hulk Hogan. The moment I harken back to is from 1997. Triple H, who was then Hunter Hearst Helmsley was embroiled in a battle with Mankind. But the feud grew to the point that Mankind enlisted the friend of his old alter ego, Cactus Jack. Triple H and Cactus battled in a hardcore match with weapons and total violence, just when the then World Wrestling Federation began to enter the "Attitude Era." It was Monday Night Raw and the final moment of the match resulted in Cactus Jack doing something that very well may never have been done in the WWF until that point.... he piledrived Triple H through a table on the Titantron entrance ramp. The table wasn't the regular folding table used now, this was a rough, raw wood table that was probably from the 80's. I'm surprised Triple H survived to become the 10 time champion, and man who three years later "retire" Mick Foley as Cactus Jack.

The Crow Wicked Prayer; A Hardcore Review

"Better than the original," and "Greatest goodguy badguy banter this side of a Spider-Man comic," ARE NOT THINGS YOU WILL HEAR IN THIS REVIEW! There is little I enjoy more than destroying something via Hardcore Review. I can use words no one would associate with the project being reviewed. And be as verbose as I want and those of you who read this will salivate like the proverbial Pavlov's dog.
Cause I am fucking honest to a beat down truth. I'm ruthless when it comes to reviewing shit I don't like. And this is gonna be one of those reviews. So, let's get past the greeting and intro and get into the steaming pile of shit that wouldn't be able to fertilize a lawn. Yeah, it's that bad.
First of all to try and sell a movie to potential fans with Edward Furlong, Tara Reid and David "Angel" Boreanaz is your first, second and third mistakes. If it were a felony to cast shitty actors, and it should be, the casting director and director should be in prison without the possibility of parole. I would change my stance on the death penalty for this one folks. There were two possible good points to this utter episiotomy of two hours of my life, Tito "The Huntington Beach Badboy" Ortiz and Danny Trejo, and both were cast to NOT play themselves and fell flat on their faces. Who the fuck casts Danny Trejo to act? Even his cousin doesn't attempt that.
The fact that the hero was five foot nothing and then they tried to spin this whole massive fail of overacting, and tough guy gothitude, not only didn't work, I was actually hoping there was gonna be a repeat of the first movie. No goth is tough. They all sit at home, write shitty poetry in black ink on black notebook paper while listening to either shitty music that makes your ears bleed or 80's (which honestly isn't all bad, but the stuff they stomp dance to sure as fuck is) and cut themselves with their ceremonial fantasy daggers that are laden with crystal balls and dragon handles, they bought online while wearing black vinyl they got at Hot Topic. These people are people I laughed at ten years ago when it was in vogue, and now, I just feel sorry for you that you haven't gone on to the next fad. Especially since most of you haven't bothered to STOP eating or START working out as you've grown ancient.
David Boreanaz as the "satanic biker cult leader," WHEN THERE WASN'T A FUCKING MOTORCYCLE IN THE ENTIRE FUCKING MOVIE! And you gave Tara Reid a speaking role? Who the fuck are you trying to pander to? Cause it wasn't someone who enjoys thinking, or being even remotely entertained.
I've had bowel movements that were more pleasant than listening to the dialog in this piece. I mean to me, James O'Barr is a one hit wonder when it comes to comics, but at least he's had the decency to stay out of the spotlight when he has nothing interesting to say. That guy looked so on edge during his interview on the two disc collector's edition of the original The Crow, that he probably would have strangled his wife and then blown his own head off if he had seen this.
But then, there was the very last possible saving grace, and that was Dennis "PABST BLUE RIBBON" Hopper in one of the final scenes where a Las Vegas style goth Boreanaz shows up to marry Reid's character and all we get is this drivel dialog with Hopper spouting hip hop phrases while conducting the marriage vows. I could barely stomach this, but then again, I already awarded the vaunted Hogan "leg drop" as a grade so, nothing could ever be quite THAT bad. Right?
In terms of this being HARDCORE, here's my take on it. Sid Vicious, when he was Sycho Sid in the WWF, SHITTING HIMSELF during a match with the Undertaker. That's how hardcore this bowel movement was.

The Runaways; A Hardcore Review

Essentially this wasn't so much the story of the all girl rock band, The Runaways, so much as it was the story of Joan Jett and Cherie Curie.
While the look of the film was no doubt "spot on," I couldn't stand this movie. Kristen "Twilight" Stewart had NO FUCKING BUSINESS playing Joan Jett. Just cause she's in fucking vogue right now doesn't mean she was the right person to play Joan. And yeah, she looks a little like Jett in the 70's, but to me that AIN'T fucking good enough. The shitty thing, to me, is that she did a good job portraying the first lady of Punk Rock. Kristen Stewart, whether I like it or not is at the very least a decent actress, if not, a really good actress. This role has broken her out of the mold of being Bella, the wishy washy girl from the Twilight saga. And moving out of your comfort zone as an artist is essential for staying fresh and being the best that you can be.
Dakota Fanning plays Cherie Curie, the lead singer of The Runaways. With their meteoric rise to stardom, Curie becomes a drug addict and alcoholic. Fanning, has become a sparkling actress since her debut in "I Am Sam," playing opposite the very retarded Sean Penn.
Alia Shawkat, Pash from Whip It was in this movie, playing Robin. While Rob Zombie's Halloween Laurie Strode, Scout Taylor-Compton played Lita "Kiss Me Deadly" Ford. But the whole movie was spotlighting Joan Jett and her sometimes androgynous relationship with Cherie Curie.
After their Japanese tour, Curie lost it. Began heavily using, and according to the movie, became a Prima donna. While I am a big Joan Jett fan, I don't claim to know shit about the Runaways. God I so wanted to hate this movie. I really really wanted to. But I couldn't. There's little harder to do in this world than admit you were wrong. Not knowing a lot about the group that made acts like P!NK, Kittie, L7 and Bikini Kill possible should make me a fucking historian. But sometimes the best thing isn't to know all the details, but to just appreciate the music and everything it's done.
This flick was interesting to watch. Gave some much needed background on a truly groundbreaking group. And to my shock and awe had some really tremendous acting from someone I didn't think deserved the part, simply cause I felt she was a "flash in the pan" type star. But I have to say, with all sincerity, that The Runaways was a great flick. And thus brings to mind a truly great moment involving, at the time, two of the top workers in wrestling, Triple H and Mick Foley. After Triple H and Stephanie McMahon got "married" they made Mick Foley's life a living hell, including firing him. Upon an announced locker room wide walkout staged by The Rock, Triple H and Steph were forced to reinstate Foley. The Rock also dictated that there would be a tag team main event featuring Degeneration X versus The Rock, The APA and Mick Foley. The end of the match saw The Rock and Farooq and Bradshaw take out The New Age Outlaws and X Pac. Leaving the champ, Triple H and Mick Foley alone, battling it out for bloody supremacy of the ring. In the end, Hunter delivered a "Pedigree" to Foley, putting him through the announce table. As Triple H walked up the ramp, Mick, who's Mankind mask was ripped off during the fight, was bloodied and staring wild eyed at the retreating champion. The moment came the next night, or "officially" on Thursday night Smackdown, when in the ring celebrating his utter defeat of Foley, Triple H declared victory in their war. But out came Mick, in his Mankind outfit from Monday, bloody shirt included. Mick said, after the beating he took a few days before, he wasn't ready to take on the young champion at that Sunday's Royal Rumble pay per view. As he began taking off his mash and tie, he stated, "I'm in no condition to fight you on Sunday..... (Triple H smiles) but I know someone who is.... and I think you know him real well." Tearing open his shirt, he reveals his famous, "Wanted: DEAD" Cactus Jack t-shirt. BANG BANG!

Lost Boys The Thirst; A Hardcore Review

What's two fifths of the original and gayer than oiled pecs and waxed legs on Fire Island? Why it's Lost Boys The Thirst of course.
Somebody tell me why Corey Feldman isn't a fucking greeter at WalMart right now?
Thank Eisner that Corey Haim had the good sense to OD before this this cluster fuck of an abortion was made. There were only two good things about this movie, the fact that it had flashbacks to the classic original, AND THAT IT ENDED!
Who the fuck says it does any good to follow current piece of shit pop culture? Apparently, whoever the fuck green lit this flaming bag of dog diarrhea. Sometimes people need to learn that they aren't viable commodities anymore and that they should become just another shadow instead of taking up valuable oxygen and natural resources. I mean Feldman's a Vegan, right? But he still finds it ok to knaw at my brain with his 5'4" caveman self. Just kill yourself already. And the worst part of this piece of tofu slathered shit is that they're gonna make another one. I can only hope like you that Feldman drops dead of being a fucking little bastard with no talent and a nine pack a day voice.
Did you know that Joel "Bat nipples" Schumacher directed the original 80's cult classic The Lost Boys. I mean that movie had it all, four teen heart throbs, Alex Winters from Bill and Ted, that guy who ended up on Thirty Something AND Diane Weist. Plus a kick ass soundtrack. This movie had shitty references to Twilight, the rave scene (do people even rave anymore?) and some seriously ghey vampires. I mean gayer than Robert Pattinson. Well, maybe not THAT GAY.
Who the fuck asked for a third Lost Boys flick? I remember wanting to go on a bloody chainsaw rampage in 08 when at Comic Con International they announced Lost Boys The Tribe. This movie was phenomenally bad. I mean Mystery Science Theater 3000 worthy. Give Feldman a Lifetime Douchebag Achievement Razzie for his continued existence. There's not a lot more I can stomach. Except for the distinct possibility that the cast of Twilight, Feldman and Halle Berry will all be on the next voyage of the Titanic.
How do I grade this fucking dirty bomb of a movie? What moment from wrestling history could I possibly bestow upon this movie that would not encourage people to want to waste the braincells I already martyred for them? How about WCW Sin? The first WCW pay per view of 2001 when Sid Vicious decided after some coercion from the higher ups to try a top rope high flying maneuver and... broke his fucking leg. Not just broke it, that fucker was hanging by a thread. In the process Sid knocked out Scott Steiner in their World Heavyweight Title match.

Clerks 2; A Hardcore Review

The third venture for Dante and Randal in this finality to the Jersey saga. Ok so maybe it's not final. What would all my Generation X slacker brethren have to do with the rest of our meaningless cumulative existence without more Kevin Smith goodness?
First off I have to admit I had not seen this epic on the big screen as I was in San Diego for the 2006's San Diego Comic Con International.
Having Randal back for another round is always welcome. Kevin Smith writes the best non-sensical dialog, and it is always a good thing no matter how many times I have seen it.
My serious issue with this movie is that Smith keeps putting his wife in his films. Dude, she is not nearly as hot as you seem to think she is. And she's not a very good actress. She's too stiff and not easily acceptable as one of the loser geeks in his reality. That and giving her the Mary Jane line was a bit much.
The use of Randal as a gay catalyst in Clerks is something I didn't really understand other than Smith wanting his gay brother something to hold onto in his films. Somehow I doubt the GLBTQ community is ready to send an award to Smith for his outreach to their plight. I empathize with Randal as he seems to find something wrong with everything in his way. And he always has the best 1Liners and come backs. I see a bit of myself in this character who can always make others laugh at crude fucking humor and shit.
Things get better as Rosario Dawson shows up in a bra that doesn't quite hold her tits in place while she dances to the Jackson Five. Fuck. That and the really unusual musical number he insists that he has always wanted to have in one of his flicks.
And as much as people protest, the donkey scene is quite hilarious. The new common denominator of Randal versus Elias is a welcome change from the usual rigamerole of Dante v. Randal.
In all this movies has almost everything the original had and more including Jay reinacting the scene from Silence of the Lambs and a whole juxtapositon for about go-karts versus masturbation.
I think this is the first time I have watched this in my home since I bought the DVD back in 2006.

As an end all I give this quality classical Generation X slacker flick as the pentultimate basis upon which I will base all other slacker projects, movie, comic or otherwise. This movie rates Sabu slashing open his biceps on the barbed wire versus Terry Funk (a wound that required over 100 stitches) and taping it shut and finishing the match.

Watchmen; A Hardcore Review

On Friday March 6, 2009, there was a historical event that came upon the movie and comic book industry....
Alan Moore and Dave Gibbon's Watchmen hit theatres. Me and my crew went at half after midnight on the day in question.
What followed is three hours of some of the most captivating feature film I have ever seen. The idea that this was an impossibility only a few years ago, and then chided by Alan himself, as he broke ties with DC and said none of his comics needed to be turned into movies. Well he was right about League, that was a pile of shit, and he had his name attatched to that one.
Watchmen is one of the most loved and best selling graphic novels of all time. One of a handfull of graphic novels taught in college classrooms. It encompases the worst feelings of the cold war and the bitter hideousness of McCarthyism.
In short, the movie was a huge success. The soundtrack rocked. They intermingled 80's pop with modern covers and seemed it beautifully. The visuals were spot on. The costume redesigns were great.There were a few things that were superfluous: like the seemingly endless sex scene abourd the Owl-jet. It was the type of scene that makes you feel like you were watching Roadhouse with your mom. That level of discomfort. The build up on Rorschach was great. Jackie Earle Haley was awesome. As if this was the role he was born for (it reminded me of Brandon Lee and the Crow). The only other man who could have been Rorschach was that crazy fucker Danny Bonaduce. The prison scene made my night with Rorschach uttering the most famous words of the series, "I'm not locked in here with you! You're locked in here with me!"
Beautiful.
And man Golden Age Silk Specter may have been hotter than Modern Age Silk Specter. But that whole pin up doll thing really works for me. Not to mention she was a redhead. NOICE!
I give Watchmen a blast from the past... Mankind being chokeslamed through the top of the Cell onto the cold hard, unforgiving canvas below, with a steel chair crashing onto his head.

Dead Noon; A Hardcore Review

It has to happen. You cannot conceivably like everything you see or hear or read. And well, I gotta say, I did not dig this movie. As a reviewer it is my job to tell my honest opinion, and that's the tough part. You can't only review stuff you like. That's dishonest. Like doctors who only include certain patients in medical studies. Watch old ER reruns, you'll know. Dead Noon stars veteran stuntman and my personal favorite Jason Voorhees of all time, Kane (pronounced Kah-nay) Hodder as a the storyteller. After he pulled his "victim," I guess, I don't remember him killing her or anything out of the back of the van, he proceeds to tell a story about a man who walked straight out of hell to find revenge against the family lineage that took his life. The badass was from the old west where he slept with his partner's wife and then thought to try and kill him when the Kane (the partner's name) finds out and gets pissed. Beyond the sordid gun play and very cheesey, "beats the devil in a hand of poker" the man in black, unfortunately not Johnny Cash, leaps through time to the present where all the law enforcement in Wyoming are still apparently wearing long duster jackets and cowboy hats. Man I don't even remember how this flick ended, cause I jumped online while it was playing.
The movie used a jumpy steadycam and a ton of low budget modern movie tricks, like the CGI fire, which was actually pretty cool. The on fire cowboy from hell with the flaming bullets was an awesome effect, even if the skull head was three sizes too big to be an actual skull. This could have been the Western Ghostrider, pre Nick Cage and his rediculous hairline. JUST SHAVE IT OFF ALREADY!
To grade this upon my usual scale of pro wrestling hardcore analogies seems harsh. I wanted to like this movie so much, but the poor audio and terrible dialog made me long for one of those flaming bullets myself. Kane Hodder aside, this movie rates The Rock's "The People's Elbow." Now to some wrestling fans that might seem generous, but remember this scale is based on the more hardcore the wrestling analogy the more I liked the movie. And well, it was either that or Hulk Hogan's shitty big boot and craptastic leg drop. I thought I would try to be nice, out of respect for Mr. Hodder. Plus I know that somewhere out there is a movie so terrible it will rate the "mighty" Hogan leg drop. Probably one of Hogan's movies itself.

Jack Frost; A Hardcore Review

Ever want to see Shannon Elizabeth get raped to death by a homicidal mutant snowman and his carrot penis? Cause that's what you'll get with this "high" quality movie. I say "high" cause it's probably ten times better when you're high. Michael Keaton play a loser saxaphonist who goes insane and kills people.... wait, that's the "other" Jack Frost? Jesus how many of these captastic flicks is gonna get made?
A serial killer some how gets in a car accident on his way to execution and gets splashed with some fucking chemical (not unlike Daredevil) and turns into a mutant frosty. He heads up his remaining time by heading to the nearby backwoods town where he was captured by a bumbling sheriff who is then threatened with death no matter the fires of hell Jack Frost (the killer's name) must go through. Man, I thought I was gonna enjoy this movie. Cause it's a stupid, crappy horror movie and I enjoy shit like that. I've seen it two or three times now and it gets better and better every time I watch it. Wait did I say "better and better?" I meant "ho hum and duh." This movie couldn't fill a latrine. Wow. I think I found something to bitch about. Something I also enjoy.
Well death by homicidal snowman cock is better than death by.... well I'm sure there's something out there worse to die by.
In my old grading scale this rates J.T. Smith falling from the top rope and cracking his head on the cold, hard unfogiving concrete floor of the ECW Arena. Wait for it..... only to be showered with chants of, "You fucked up!" from the every growing throng of unwashed masses. And I say that with the utmost love. The ECW fans may have been bloodthirsty and filthy, but they were the most knowledgable and loyal fans in the business.

Manos the Hands of Fate; A Hardcore Review

MY GOD! SOMEBODY KILL ME NOW!
Even with the guys of Mystery Science Theater 3000 leading the way, with killer jibes and knock out blows, it still wasn't enough to make me wish I wasn't dining on one of those flaming hell bullets from Dead Noon. Actually this flick made me wish I was watching Dead Noon.
Rated I believe as the "worst movie ever" from the long line of "watched it right before I tried to kill myself" films from the MST3K library. And that covers a lot of ground.
I cannot believe that someone got paid to make this unless it was for the express purpose of wanting, nay, craving, no, needing to be ridiculed at a later date.
Freddy Got Fingered who? Gigli what? And I haven't seen either of those abortions.
This fucker rates the closest to the mighty Hogan leg drop I can get. I am sure there is another movie out there worthy of this honor. So I am bestowing the hardcore award of Sid Vicious' "awesome" right hand. That is the most fitting award that can ever be bestowed up Sid Vicious.

Observe and Report; A Hardcore Review

What more can I say except, sure was a lot of cock in this movie.
Once again Seth Rogen is pretty damn hilarious. He's the new Vince Vaughn in terms of being the regular, quasi out of shape funny guy.
Any way, he plays Ronnie, this dilusional mall security guard who dreams of being a savior. The movie opens with a slow motion montage of the goings on in his mall. The second it ends, the hilarity ensues. A chubby mid lifer runs amoke in the mall parking lot, flashing female patrons and yelling some pretty heinous shit at them.
Bring in Ronnie and his random crew of motley misfits, a greasey whatever the fuck that guy was and the Chinese twins who have as much a hard on for firearms as my crazy, dilusional cousin, who interestingly enough is also a security guard with dilusions of gradeur.
Ronnie's other dream includes plowing the cosmetics counter whore, played almost too well, by Anna Faris.C'mon, this chick works at every fucking mall in the free world. And ladies, if you cannot identify this bimbo, well then it's because it's you.
After quite a bit of craziness including having to see Ray Liotta's fucked up mug and his partner's obscene hairline and Steven Segal-like ponytail for far too long. The dialog was pretty good, with Liotta playing the hardnosed, battle hardened detective who fails at every attempt to hold back the "retard" with the badge.
The movie culminates with something you see coming a mile away, even if it is tiny and almost obscured by errant belly flab. As well as the whole romance thing that according to Rich from KRQ's John Jay and Rich, Roy Orbison could see coming. Only to be corrected by John Jay and the internet.
Make sure you have fun while watching this movie, but please don't take your "Fifi" loving soon to be twelve year old daughters.... SANDRA! Jesus, and then she has the audacity to get mad at me for saying cock like twenty times afterwards. Fucking douchebag. I swear to god.
Now, onto the grade this movie receives. Observe and Report deserves the biggest car crash award it can possibly receive. And that would be once again dipping back into the classic match from King of the Ring 1998 where upon Mick Foley flew off the top of the Cell and crash landed through the Spanish announce table and halfway rolling under the guardrail behind them.

Unbreakable; A Hardcore Review

My job entails that I stay awake three nights a week while my clients get some well deserved shut eye. In order to help myself stay conscious, I take a plethora of caffeinated soda and my PS3, and a small selection of movies and games. Tonight I watched one of my all time favorite movies, Unbreakable. This movie is great for so many reasons. It caught a lot of flak for having the whole comic book tie in, especially at the begining where it gives random facts about comics. I loved it the first time I saw it back in 2000 and I love it nine years later. Willis and Jackson play off of each other so well, with Robin Wright Penn doing a fantastic job of playing the estranged wife who just wants her husband back. The opening of the movie on the train is such a great way to begin. No back story, just David Dunn's semi origin.
And when he meets Elijah for the first time, Jackson lets slip that he is the villain. He refers to David's son, Joseph as "the child." Not, "your son," or by his name, simply as a noun, almost a pro-noun if he could have gramatically gotten away with it. This was something that I never noticed until now as a crux point in revealing the Elijah character. Also, his description of the characters in battle. The villain having a slightly larger head than the hero. And with his hair, Elijah most definately has a larger melon than Dunn.
The key moments in this movie may have been left on the cutting room floor, as one of the deleted scenes reveals David Dunn trembling and sobbing in the shower. Shyamalan stated that he felt this moment came to late in the movie and that Willis' character would have had too much time to move on from his terrible origin of the massive train derailment. I feel the opposite. A character might look like they have passed that moment by, but most people will break down at the most unusual times. The other possibility could be that David was supposed to be the strong, silent, heroic type. I can agree with that notion, although it makes for a typical and in my opinion, boring archetype. Things manifest themselves in this movie very well, especially the relationship between David and his son, when Joseph decides to prove to him that he is "unbreakable." The reactions from Willis and Wright Penn are phenomenal, and Joseph's Spencer Treat Clark is right up there with Haley Joel Osment with Willis in The Sixth Sense. The cast was firing on all cylinders. And Jackson as always is tops with his over the top at the end, but perfect shaping of Elijah. Now Jackson may pick his rolls out of a hat. Sometimes it's a great character, and sometimes it's Formula 51, but this time, Jackson was spot on and I have no complaints what so ever.
And now for the grade. Unbreakable is quite possibly one of the greatest comic book movies ever made. And it is an enjoyable ride the first or the hundred and first time you watch it. This movie receives its just desserts in the form of one of the most awesome maneuvers ever pulled off in a wrestling ring. It's Rob Van Dam hitting his magnum opus for the very first time on his "best friend," Scotty Anton.Often immitated, never ever fucking duplicated, The Van Terminator!

S.K.O.W.: A Hardcore Review

The seminal 80's movie from writer John Hughes that is often overlooked in terms of holding it's place in 80's movie history is 1987's Some Kind of Wonderful. The movie follows the exploits of every man high school Junior, Keith and his tomboy best friend Watts, played by Eric Stoltz and Mary Stuart Masterson. Watts character could be described as the protagonist of the story, and is by Eric Stoltz in a making of featurette. She is also quite possibly the protagonist in my attraction to strong females with tomboyish qualities and short hair. Keith is an artist, who works at a gas station aafter school, all the while pining for some chick named Amanda Jones, who is coined as "sex" by Keith's younger sister, Laura.
The movie's plot takes Keith through the wringer of falling for Amanda and doing everything in his power to ask her out. She accepts on the basis that she has had enough of her boyfriend's cheating ways. Amanda is then thrown into a world she knows nothing about, as she comes from a working class family, but is "allowed" to hang with the "richies." Keith gets detention to be able to spend time with Amanda, who has plans of her own for avoiding the whole ordeal. In sitting through detention, Keith makes friends with the school misfits, lead by Duncan. Through their mutual dislike for Hardy Jenns and both being artists of sorts, they become friends.
The moment of truth in this movie might be the practice kiss between Watts and Keith for most viewers. However for this reviewer, the moment to watch is when Keith drops by Watts' to talk. He lays down on her bed, and she plops down next to him. The tension in that moment is classic as Watts has been in love with Keith for some time. Only seeing what he wants, Keith misses the whole thing, until he sees Watts at the end of the movie standing my the car she drove for Keith while on his date with Amanda. He flashes back to the kiss, and suddenly knows it was always her that he really loved. The last line of the movie when Watts puts on the diamond earrings Keith bought for his date with Amanda. She asks, "how they look?" Keith answers with a classic line, "You look good wearring my future."
This is my favorite 80's movie. And the best written John Hughes film ever made. Even though he didn't direct it, it was his movie. In my own grading system, this movie rates Rob Van Dam versus Jerry Lynn for the ECW World Television Championship at Hardcore Heaven 1999. It was 20 plus minutes of action the likes of which had ever been seen. The two had a handful of matches, none of which delivered quite like this, with both combatants being knocked cold during the match. The major moment of the match was Lynn's Somersault Flip over the top rope, sending Van Dam through a table that exploded from the impact.
There are a few things in life that no matter what can make me happy. This movie is one of those things.

Grandma's Boy; A Hardcore Review

So, I had to do something heavily weed related for the April 20 (4/20) "Hardcore Review." And here it is, Grandma's Boy is a flick I have seen more than half a dozen times in the span of the last year and a half. And it is just as funny as the first time. Guy gets booted from his apartment, because his roommate takes the rent money and spends it on "massage therapy." Or as Kevin Nash says, "yeah, they'll massage your cock for money." It's hilarity the way I always wanted a slacker film to be. Slacker films took a dive in the mid ninties, but made a comeback with titles like Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, and Grandma's Boy. Ever wondered what the day to day life of a video game tester was like? It's pretty extreme, from losing your housing due to your roommates sexual proclivities to telling your coworkers why you are always tired due to the massive orgies you have almost nightly with your three female roommates. To your coworkers finding out you roommate with your grandma and her two elderly friends. And a twenty something virgin getting it on with one of said roommates, to a very quirky asshole who designs the games you test talking like a robot and thinking he's part of "The Matrix." This movie has everything you need in a qualit slacker flick, including plenty of sexual innuendo and almost an hour and half of weed smoking.
From thievery to lunchtime video game challenges to a guy jerking off without locking the bathroom door (not a pretty picture) with insanely hilarious results, Grandma's Boy is your cure to a boring night at home. It's probably even funnier when your stoned.
In terms of grading this fil m in my own unique way, I give this flick a high grade in Sandman versus Sabu at Houseparty 1998. The original Stairway to Hell match. Sabu breaks his jaw, and Sandman is bloodier than I have ever seen him in a vitory that takes knocking out the Suicidal, Homicidal, Genocidal Maniac with a homerun-like swing with Jim's trusty friend, a singapore cane.

The Wrestler; A Hardcore Review

I have seen this movie four times now in this new year. This is the first time I watched it legally. That should tell you all something. That I would get a bootleg, watch it three times and then go and get the movie when it's released on BluRay.
For the uninitiated, wrestling is a dance of sorts. And this movie chronicles a short period of time in the life of Randy "The Ram" Robinson, a wrestler who is past his glory days. Ram, as I will sometimes refer to him during this review, is played by Mickey Rourke, who as perhaps destiny would have it is a past his prime actor, whom many critics have said has revitalized his career with this flick. Ram is broken down, physically and mentally by the business and life. As many wrestlers will attest, being on the road as much as wrestlers are, he has become estranged from his daughter. This was probably the most realistic depiction of the life of a professional wrestler EVER! The road and the wrestling life does weird things to otherwise normal and honest people. Drugs, cheating on spouses. Drinking and driving. The famous time when Triple H met Ric Flair for the first time, in the buff with a balloon attatched to "Space Mountain." Fucked up shit happens on the road. There's not a lot to do when you live out of a suitcase and the cheapest motel you can find is your home 300+ days a year. It's a tough life. And when people say, "well making a hundred grand a year is worth it." Try staying away from your loved ones, your home and yourself in all actuality for over 300 days a year and see if the money is worth it. Not the least to add to that is also the fact that you wrestle five days a week, twice on Sunday and you get no time to recover from the injuries that pile up on you. And after you see this movie and learn a little about the world of pro wrestling, you will know that it is probably the least fake industry in the world. These are real men and women whose lives get torn assunder because they do what they love.
This film is gritty and quasi documentary-like in cinematic scope. Shot with a "live" feel to it, where you feel like someone who is in on the action, you become privy to all the once secret brotherhood of pro wrestling.
Ram's only interpersonal relationship is with over the hill stripper, Cassidey, played extremely well by Marisa Tomei. Cassidey is Ram's confidant. She knows more about him than his own daughter. And when he decides to mend broken fences he finds out just how much of that bridge he burned.
This is the story of a man, who never learned to follow what should have been important in life and instead persued unhealthy relationships, prolonged a career that he was not willing to let go of twenty years ago when he was on top.
This analogy came a week ago when Michael Jordan was voted into the Hall of Fame. It is from ESPN's Mike and Mike in the Morning. Jordan was the best in his field for 14 years. Basically the entirety of his career. But 14 years is well short of a lifetime. And for someone who once had the adulation of millions, and was revered by little boys and girls on every playground basketball blacktop in the world, it is very hard to stop and become a normal person. It's the reason soldiers have terrible times acclimating to mainstream society after seeing the worst toils of war. Someone like myself can be an artist and a writer until the day I drop dead. Even if I were to ever be thought of as the best, I can still do what I do for as long as I choose to. It is harsh to think of the devastation this wroughts on men, who in their fifties are still vital, physically and mentally and just not viable commodities in the field they chose.
This industry is brought to the forefront of the public eye. Wrestlers are not offered health insurance. They are a select few without pensions, or retirement options. These are men and women who give of themselves for the love of those who come to see them. This is something Vince McMahon and Dixie Carter need to look at and realize that withouth these men and women killing themselves night in and night out are left bankrupt, homeless, without families and without futures in broken down shambles of human bodies. This industry needs to change. And you the fans, and people who believe everyone in this country deserves that chance to have a future can help make that possible. Voice your opinions. Make the change happen. Vince can afford to give his employees health insurance. Right now all wrestlers are "independant contractors" and that means Vince and Dixie can make all the profit off their backs they want, and not pay into the system.
For everything this movie has done in being a great film and bringing awareness to the public, the honor I bestow upon it is not another hardcore moment in wrestling history, but a spot in my Top Five favorite movies of all time. I was asked why I did not have a typical grade for this film. I thought that placing it in my top five favorite movies was enough, but here goes. The grade I give this dates back to 1996 when a new feud was begining. A broken ring and a one hour time delay could not keep these two combatants from tearing the house down. Rob Van Dam and Sabu put up a four star match which included the ring ropes breaking during the match, the two wrestling around the arena and then pulling off a great finish. Triple Jump Moonsaults, Super Arabian Facebusters, all with a broken set of ring ropes. It may be known as the broken ring match, but many remember this as the match that started the war between two men who flew higher and performed crazier acrobatic stunts than the next five fliers in total. RVD v. Sabu was one of the most entertaining feuds from ECW, as they teamed up while they still hated each other to capture the Tag Team Belts, and then battled over the ECW World Television Title all while being cheered on by fence sitter Bill Alphonso, who finally joined with RVD after Sabu was released from his contract in 2000.

40 Year Old Virgin; A Hardcore Review

Goddamn! How is it that this movie gets better and better every fucking time I watch it? Right now I am watching this for the third time in a week. This time with the director and cast commentary. Knowing that a lot of this was ad libed is awesome. There is just something really special about this flick.
The poker game. "A bag of sand?!" What the fuck? Cal finishes up after having his asshole licked by a chick's dog. Andy and his dirty talking "girlfriend" who says, "ME so horny. Me love you long time!"
And then the whole, "You know how I know you're gay" series. CLASSIC and GENIUS!
David completely romanticizing the fucked up four month relationship he can't get over, TWO YEARS LATER!
There is something everyone can relate to in this movie. Comedy! Pure comedy. This movie will be funny forty years from now.
Apatow and gang solidly deliver on all cylinders. To every door.
This movie is probably the funniest movie I have EVER seen. The grade I give this has to surpass the traditional hardcore role and encompass the entirety of ECW hilarity, at it's utmost. The take over and first appearance of the BWO. The Blue Guy (Blue Meanie) takes the center of the ring and does the Scott Hall thumb 'n hop and then chucks his toothpick, which Joey Styles calls, "That's a chicken wing!"

Hard Boiled; a hardcore Review

I am going to remind everyone who reads these reviews that the grading system I use is this: instead of thumbs up or stars, I rate on hardcore moments in pro wrestling history. The more hardcore the event, match, promo or moment the more I liked the book, comic, movie or video game I am reviewing. The less hardcore the moment, the more I disliked it. An example would be anything related to Hulk Hogan would be highly NOT recommended. Onto the review...

Have you ever wondered how many different ways a human being can killed with a fire arm? Hard Boiled answers that question. A lot.
Hard Boiled in the preeminent John Woo movie. It is more than just a shoot 'em up flick. It is THEE shoot 'em up flick. John Woo knows action. He knows gun play and he knows dialog. Hard Boiled is the overt guy flick. There's no over done or added in typical romance bullshit. No, pithy "I think I'm better than you," dialog. And absolutely nothing goes unscathed in this ultimate action movie.
From the opening teahouse shootout to the end, never seems to end action sequence in the Hong Kong hospital, John Woo and company deliver. And they deliver without a delivery fee and on time. Chow Yun Fat proves with this movie that he is a absolute baddass. Fat does for action heroes in Hong Kong, what Bruce Willis is for action heroes in the state, but without all the one liners. Sure he's been in other quality movies, but this one is by far his best, and puts him on the map for good. Fat is to gun play what Bruce Lee is to Kung Fu flicks. There is simply none better. All that and his name is Tequila. Everything blows up, gets shot, bleeds it out or dies from blunt force trauma in Hard Boiled. A movie so fucking awesome they made a genre of movies from it, and a series of shoot 'em up video games.
Tequila is a no nonsense cop in Hong Kong, who kills one of his own in the opening, and amazingly coreographed shoot out with the Chinese Triad. Covered in flour, Tequila makes the final bullet count. He's more of a shoot first ask questions and deal with the consequences later kind of cop. And if fans want it any other way... FUCK 'EM!
Fighting his way to the top of the Triad's hitlist, Tequila causes waves within his precinct. His boss hates him. His lady friend can't stand him. And all Tequila wants is his jazz band drummer/ partner back.
This movie culminates with an epic sequence in a hospital where Tequila finds he has friends in strange places, and a whole bunch of people die in extremely fucked up ways. Mostly involving bullets and blood loss. Oh but count the ways. And the varying calibers used in the carnage.
Cops try and protect the patients all while the Triad begin acing anyone not affiliated with them. And I do mean everyone, even the newly born in the maternity wing. Watch as Tequila and Alan race to find the armory cache. Witness as the Triad lessen in number with every squeeze of Tequila's trigger finger. And amaze as nothing stands in the way of the only Hong Kong cinema superstar who kills better with chromed steel than with his fists of fury. And action fans wouldn't have it any other way.
This movie rates a special historic moment in hardcore wrestling history. Way back to the 1980's when the NWA still reigned as pro wrestling's moral conscious. A cage match. An "I quit match." All rolled into one. The object: batter your opponent so badly that he is forced to say, "I quit." That's the only way to end the match. And since it's within the confines of the mighty and fearsome steel cage, there's gonna be absolutely no shenanigans. The challenger, Magnum T.A. versus the United States Champion Tully Blanchard. This was NOT a wrestling match so much as it was a knock down drag out, everyone's gonna bleed.... A LOT kinda match. Blanchard has a wooden chair thrown into the cage where he smashes it to pieces, and then uses a fragment with a very sharp point on the head of Magnum T.A. Somehow, Magnum gets out of it, and uses the wooden stake on Blanchard, a member of the prestegious Four Horsemen. And even though the microphone was nowhere near Tully's mouth, you can see and hear his cries for mercy, as he squeals, "I quit!"