Action Comics #1: A Hardcore Review

I haven't reviewed anything as of late, due to being busy with the Fuzzyface campaign. But I am back and will be dropping reviews at a better rate than I have been. I just read Action Comics yesterday right as the rain hit this much needed city. I didn't pick it up cause of hyper or cause It was a number one or part of the relaunch. I've actually never read all that many Superman comics, surprisingly. But there was a story leaked onto Bleeding Cool that had me interested. Apparently a comic book retailer in North Carolina, cause it's never a state where people outnumber rednecks, has begun a boycotting of all things written by Grant Morrison. His reasoning? During a battle scene with tanks, a young Superman lets out an onomonopia in the form of two letters, GD. Now, this clever man, I can only assume it was a man, cause I've never met a woman who was this quick to jump to a religious conclusion, is boycotting Grant Morrison cause in his words "this is a slap in the face to Christians everywhere." I dunno, I get hit in the stomach by a fucking tank and I'm gonna be letting out a lot more than a small sound that is to most people just a sound. I'll be cursing the fucking heavens and blasting god for allowing people like this to exist. Now let me be clear, I am an Atheist. Why? Cause shit like this is fucking stupid. You don't see Atheists calling for boycotts of stuff that merely mentions belief or some sort of deity. There are those of us who won't stand for the Pledge of Allegiance, or for school prayer because of the mention of god being involved. Not Christians, and it only seems to be Christians, never Jews, or Muslims or even Buddhists seem to give a shit about someone not wanting to stand. Cause it's a choice. Religion has been used to intimidate and obliterate people from the face of the Earth for a belief. Not concrete proof, but belief. That just seems more ignorant that spiritual to me, and I'M AN ATHEIST!
So anyway, back to the comic at large. This was my first issue of any of the new 52 from DC Comics. And I have to say it did not disappoint. Grant Morrison wrote a fantastic first tale of young big blue, who with Rags Morales doing the art looks like he's young enough to be a freshman in college. This book was put together from front to back cover and I can honestly say that reading Action #1 I have not been this excited for comics since my characters Nash and Kyle appeared in the pages of Jimmie Robinson's Bomb Queen a few years ago. I have loaded my pull list with various new DC stuff, including Deathstroke, cause he's fucking Deathstroke, Red Lanterns, Wonder Woman, Catwoman, Batman and Robin and Nightwing. Based on the creative teams working on the titles. But mostly the writing. As visual as I am, it's the writing that is getting my goat lately. I want to learn to be a better writer, so why not read the best in the industry right now, and right now, they're all at DC headquarters.
This book kicked all kinds of ass, and if it pissed off some right wing religious nazi at the same time, even better. Cause you're in the wrong business pal. If you wanted to see oppression and not let people have free speech, go to Capitol Hill for the next year. I'm not a big fan of retconning stuff. I mean if you don't want to use a part of a character's history, just don't. But to redo the entire thing just to start clean seems kind of strange. I mean we as people don't get to do that, even though a lot of us would like to. Keep the flaws. The bad stories, the cheesey gimmicks, the universe changing crossovers. That's what makes these characters a bit more able to be related to. Even though, the current story idea have them set at new beginnings where they are younger, going to make more mistakes and a bit more human. I am super excited to have read my first Supes comic in years. It made all sorts of sense and even reintroduced a Lex Luthor, who's reasons for wanting to destroy Superman in the past never surfaced in my mind, but lets it be known that this could be the undoing of the human species if Supes is let to roam free. And IT MADE SENSE! Also look for a younger Jimmie Olsen and a twenty something Lois Lane, who has always been my idea of a strong woman who gets the job done.
Action Comics #1 will, like every other project being reviewed be graded on hardcore moments in wrestling history. This harkens back to Wrestlemania 18. Icon versus Icon. Hogan versus the Rock. And this was an extremely amazing match. Hogan had a great match, probably cause he was partnered up with the Rock who is one of the best ever. But this match drained the crowd and had multiple match stopping chants of "Rocky" and "Hogan." It was everything you want from a dream match. And it worked on so many levels. Now, I'm not a fan of giving Hogan any kind of credit when it comes to memorable moments in wrestling history, but this match delivered. Finishing with a huge People's Elbow, Rock took out the legend and then showed respect to Hogan and the fans by letting the old man pose a few more times. Even I got chills, and I fucking hate Hogan.

Dead Noon; A Hardcore Review

It has to happen. You cannot conceivably like everything you see or hear or read. And well, I gotta say, I did not dig this movie. As a reviewer it is my job to tell my honest opinion, and that's the tough part. You can't only review stuff you like. That's dishonest. Like doctors who only include certain patients in medical studies. Watch old ER reruns, you'll know. Dead Noon stars veteran stuntman and my personal favorite Jason Voorhees of all time, Kane (pronounced Kah-nay) Hodder as a the storyteller. After he pulled his "victim," I guess, I don't remember him killing her or anything out of the back of the van, he proceeds to tell a story about a man who walked straight out of hell to find revenge against the family lineage that took his life. The badass was from the old west where he slept with his partner's wife and then thought to try and kill him when the Kane (the partner's name) finds out and gets pissed. Beyond the sordid gun play and very cheesey, "beats the devil in a hand of poker" the man in black, unfortunately not Johnny Cash, leaps through time to the present where all the law enforcement in Wyoming are still apparently wearing long duster jackets and cowboy hats. Man I don't even remember how this flick ended, cause I jumped online while it was playing.
The movie used a jumpy steadycam and a ton of low budget modern movie tricks, like the CGI fire, which was actually pretty cool. The on fire cowboy from hell with the flaming bullets was an awesome effect, even if the skull head was three sizes too big to be an actual skull. This could have been the Western Ghostrider, pre Nick Cage and his rediculous hairline. JUST SHAVE IT OFF ALREADY!
To grade this upon my usual scale of pro wrestling hardcore analogies seems harsh. I wanted to like this movie so much, but the poor audio and terrible dialog made me long for one of those flaming bullets myself. Kane Hodder aside, this movie rates The Rock's "The People's Elbow." Now to some wrestling fans that might seem generous, but remember this scale is based on the more hardcore the wrestling analogy the more I liked the movie. And well, it was either that or Hulk Hogan's shitty big boot and craptastic leg drop. I thought I would try to be nice, out of respect for Mr. Hodder. Plus I know that somewhere out there is a movie so terrible it will rate the "mighty" Hogan leg drop. Probably one of Hogan's movies itself.

Tek Jansen: A Hardcore Review

The staunch conservative, Stephen Colbert has done it again folks. Managed to entertain us in ways we never thought imaginable. See a lot of right wingers actually think Colbert is for real and that he's doing this spectacular job. Thus further precipitating my hypothesis that conservatives don't actually have a sense of humor. And based on the sheer number of right thinking, bible thumping asstronaughts out there, I'm fucking right.
Tek Jansen is the story of a delusional space captain, based on the likeness and I'm guessing on screen thought process of Colbert, for Comedy Central. During his adventures, Jansen manages to break every unified space law and embargo for his own massive ego and thought of "might makes right." Didn't we recently have another very public figure who felt that way? And I'm pretty sure, he was the reason why people with mental retardation can now accomplish just about anything. Including running multi-billion dollar corporations into the ground; and becoming President and almost taking over the world. Come to think of it, wasn't Napoleon borderline retarded too? Oh well, I digress. Tek, swoons the ladies, be they human, robot or large floating brain in a jar. Jansen can't be stopped in a nicely produced hardcover by John Layman (Chew) and mostly drawn by Robbi Rodriguez. The first chapter was drawn by Scott Chantler. This is probably the most fun I have had reading a comic book in a while. Super great art, and a Don Quixote-like protagonist at the helm of some pretty dangerous weaponry makes for must read comics. And he's not fighting windmills neither. Jansen, after chapter one's debacle, gets busted down to cadet, and has to go back through basic training. During a lecture course on "civil surrender," Jansen calls his instructor a pussy and rips off his face. Jansen then commandeers a ship and kidnaps the cadet class and goes to war with the Antagons. Blasting damn near everything in sight and killing about half of the class. The final portion of this chapter has Jansen promoted back to whatever the fuck he was before, and shows the outcome of the remaining members of Jansen's cadet classmates. Half Killed in Action, the other half presumed dead and or missing.
During the other chapters, Jansen fights his evil, yet still devastatingly handsome, self to a standstill. Although he was on orders to kill himself, as it were.
And during the entire book Jansen has kept his POW and pet, Meangarr in a closely held jar, while the little space automaton shouts degrading, yet comic relief inspired, threats at Tek. In the end, Jansen releases Meangarr unto the cosmos, who immediately threates to rip out his gizzards. But then relents as he too is stricken by Tek's sheer animal magnetism and machismo.
This is definitely a book for humor and sci fi enthusiasts. And anyone who enjoys the Colbert Report is gonna love this book. The sad fact being is that this title came out right as the 2007 Writer's Strike hit and was postponed from the first issue for several months. When it resurfaced, Oni Press and Comedy Central failed to capitalize on its popularity with fans and it seemed to fade into obscurity. But it stands as a testament to the superior human race and that we as a people must conquer all other species, NOT JUST ON THE PLANET, but in the known universe. Hump those fuckers into submission before they hump us.
Bringing to mind, a not very hardcore, but pretty damn funny moment in wrestling history. During the twilight of Mankind's career in the then WWF, Mankind's closest friend, the Rock decided to throw Mick Foley a "this is your life" type party in the middle of the ring. in front of the "DOZENS and dozens" of Mankind's fans, Rock proceeded to bring out significant people from Mick's past including the old lady whose house Mick leaped off of all those years ago. Fondly recalling that episode in his life, Mankind responds, "She had such delicious pie," to the Rock's near vomiting in the middle of the ring. The Rock and Sock Connection, who were two time WWF World Tag Team Champions and both held the WWF Heavyweight Title on multiple occasions, were a contrast in not only styles, but where they came from. Rock was essentially heralded as wrestling royalty, being the son of Rocky Johnson and the grandson of High Chief Peter Maivia. Where as, Mick was this guy who busted his ass through the independent circuit for years and slept in his car during the cold Pittsburgh nights while training with Troy Martin in Dominic DeNucci's school. Although we mostly remember Mick Foley for the loss of body parts, gallons of blood and insane determination he gave this industry, we sometimes forget the great comedy he provided us with later in his career. Here's to you Mick!