"Go fuck yourselves!" The single greatest line Wolverine has ever uttered... EVER! But why Wolverine can say "fuck" and Mystique has no visible nipples confounds me. But back to the point. Wait, what was the fucking point? Oh, right, First Class, with characters who didn't show up until like a few years ago. Great continuity job there guys. Look I hate the concept of reboots. But I hate the concept of shitty reboots even more. And when there is only ONE original X-Man in the FIRST CLASS, there's gonna be a problem. But down deep, this was a good movie. A really good movie. I wanted to hate it. And believe me, I got my moments, which I will fully blast later, but this was a solid flick. I loved that they used footage from the first X-Men movie when Magneto's powers first manifested. And I loved how Shaw used Magneto as a test case, and brought the source of his powers out. It was AWESOME! Plus, Kevin Bacon's German, and Russian were great. Not that I speak either language. I mean, let's be honest, I can barely handle English or American, but whatever you wanna call it.
Magneto's journey of vengeance was flat out, very well done. And done with such fervor and rage, it was fucking believable. That's what I liked about it. But to balance out Magneto's anger, was Charles Xavier's serenity. Somehow, knowing all these people hate him and want him dead, even after all his team did, he still wanted to make the world better by just blending in. Magneto did, at the end, bring out the Malcolm X to Xavier's Martin Luther King Jr. It made sense. And fusing it with actual history, including the Cold War and the Cuban Missile Crisis was super well done. I have been super impressed with this and one other film that melded with American history and used it so well, by integrating it with the story. Surprisingly well done. I dug the cast of characters, for the most part. And of course like any sci-fi movie, the black guy died first. At least it wasn't on accident so the two estranged white people got to live, but the whole team. And he made that choice to try and help defeat Shaw and his ripoff Nightcrawler. But what the fuck was a go-go dancing stripper named who had DRAGONFLY tattoos on her back called Angel for? And how many women, in 1962, even a stripper, had huge fucking wings tattooed on there backs? One of the worst keeping with the 60's motif in the movie. That and the fact that the white and black mutants got along. C'mon, there wasn't any tension between them. But there was issues with Hank McCoy who had weird feet? What the fuck? Oh, and then when he transforms he becomes unable to make his mouth move in accordance with his speech. And he didn't get any bigger body wise, but his head grew EIGHT sizes that day. And while I am on the subject of Beast, if he did become more animalistic in nature, than wouldn't he lose the need for glasses? He would have predator eyes.
But back to the good. The search for the mutants. Man, the fucking cameo of Wolverine was CLASSIC!
Xavier: "Hi, I'm Charles Xavier and this is-"
Wolverine: "Go fuck yourselves!"
Xavier: "Alrighty then..... Eric, I think I just wet me britches a smidge."
Why was a 16 year old in solitary confinement and he wasn't all scary or crazy. I mean he was antisocial, but not hardcore about it. You know, I never liked White Queen all that much, but GODDAMN January Jones has got a set of titties on her. And she's like what a buck five, with tits that make her a buck fifteen. The diamond effect was cool. And even though he was a Nightcrawler knock off, Azazel had his moments. He was cool looking, but I dunno, I just love Crawler so much, that I couldn't like him at all. Although the way he used his power was pretty badass. But the pretty much unlimited teleportation range was a fucking bit much. And what was the point of Angel? Dude, there was like the most useless character. But she lives, cause she's hot and I guess only half black or Asian. And the full on negro bites the dust, by getting exploded from the inside. And by the guy who used to be the Nazi official.... do tell.
This movie was cool for the most part in my mind because of the mutant searching, the training and Magneto's search for revenge. Those are elements that made for a great new beginning. And Xavier and Mystique's relationship was really cool. Knowing that even in the end when he told her to go with Magneto, he wasn't reading her mind. Oh, and how come Xavier has to touch his temple to activate his powers? And why does Magneto need to motion towards the object he is manipulating? I understand it when he's still learning to use his power. But Emma Frost didn't have to do that. Shaw sorta did, but he was absorbing and expelling energy.
The breakdown of the first big battle and the training sequences alone made this flick for me. Sure there were parts that sucked, but with most comic book movies is to hope that they get the spirit of the characters correctly and the story makes sense and is epic in a way. Solid story, really good cast. Using a lot of unknown and lesser used actors, solid effects and mostly great characters.... X-Men First Class was a great reboot. And I never thought I would hear myself say that. Then again I never thought I would cheer a Wolverine one liner either.
If you're just tuning in, the Hardcore Review doesn't use thumbs, letters, numbers or even a hefty, nifty little shiny one liner for the movie poster or dvd slip case. I use hardcore moments in wrestling history as a basis for my grades. If the review is favorable, expect, foul language, sex, blood and more. If it sucks, expect Hulk Hogan. The moment I harken back to is from 1997. Triple H, who was then Hunter Hearst Helmsley was embroiled in a battle with Mankind. But the feud grew to the point that Mankind enlisted the friend of his old alter ego, Cactus Jack. Triple H and Cactus battled in a hardcore match with weapons and total violence, just when the then World Wrestling Federation began to enter the "Attitude Era." It was Monday Night Raw and the final moment of the match resulted in Cactus Jack doing something that very well may never have been done in the WWF until that point.... he piledrived Triple H through a table on the Titantron entrance ramp. The table wasn't the regular folding table used now, this was a rough, raw wood table that was probably from the 80's. I'm surprised Triple H survived to become the 10 time champion, and man who three years later "retire" Mick Foley as Cactus Jack.
Showing posts with label mick foley. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mick foley. Show all posts
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Batman Mad Love & Other Stories; A Hardcore Review *SPOILERS*
FINALLY Harley Quinn and her origin have come to the Hardcore Review. The ultimate story about Harley Quinn is such a treat to read and this is actually the second copy I have gotten of it. The first being a second print of the prestige format edition from the mid nineties. I traded a bunch of Lady Death comics to my friend, Dave, who is now my tattoo artist.
The story is drawn in the amazing style of the Batman the Animated Series by Bruce Timm and written by the enigmatic Paul Dini, both producers of the show that raised me on comics. BTAS is probably my favorite all time cartoon of ALL TIME. And to have a hardcover account of Harley's origin is pretty fucking spiffy in my book. I actually got to meet Bruce Timm at my first ever convention, Wizard World LA 2005. He drew me a Batman head and I got to tell him how much the show meant to me. The guy in line before me had the first volume of BTAS and had Timm sign every disc in the set. It was kind of funny, cause even then (my first con) I didn't really linger around the Big 2's booths. And now at SDCC I try to avoid them if I can.
The story goes like this, Harley Quinn wasn't always the Joker's sidekick. At one point she was a standout athlete in gymnastics who got a full ride to Gotham University. She excelled in her courses, but not due to hard work. She romanced her professors into making her a straight A student and a seeming prodigy in Psychology. Wanting to cash in and write tell all books about her case work, after graduation, Quinn, then Harley Quinzel, became a head shrink at Gotham City's most notorious facility, Arkham Asylum. Here she met the prize and prince of crime, Clown Prince that is, in the Joker. Falling victim to the Joker's charm and hard luck story, Doctor Quinzel let her guard down and Joker knew he had her. From that point on, there was nothing Harley wouldn't do for her Mr. J.
Bouncing back to present time, Harley is busy planning for the future, while Joker is determined to put the Batman on ice. After failing at her attempts to seduce the Joker, and being tossed out of a fifth story window, Harley decides enough is enough. But not in the way you might think. Harley has a plan to get rid of the obstacle between her an Mr. J once and for all.
Enter the "Death of a Hundred Smiles." What an awesome possible scenario. And the fact that this story, proved that Quinn wasn't just a cheap female Joker knock off. Harley had a mind and a demeanor that allowed her to be just as psychotic as the Joker, even more so, since her motives were purely based upon her "love" for her Puddin'. Harley wasn't just a flaky female foil for Batman. Sure she still has her moments of ditziness, but she is also in control of her destiny. And being that she was formed in an abusive relationship, and being that I have seen what abuse can do to the victim and their family and friends makes this story that much more important to me. Sure, fists can hurt someone. Usually those bruises and broken bones heal, but the psychological ramifications and scars run deep, and sometimes never allow the victim to heal.
This story, being so important to me and relevant to comic book history I have to give it a grade worthy of an equally important moment in wrestling history. A moment, that I believe was not recorded for posterity. It was the early 1990's and it was in Germany, a country known for tyranny and a butcherous nature. The match was Cactus Jack and Vader. Vader whipped Jack into the ropes, and Mick (Jack) took the move like a pro. He ended up in what was called a "hangman," where the wrestler gets his neck intertwined between the top and middle ropes. The move isn't normally dangerous, but in a match preceding this one, Too Cold Scorpio requested that the ring ropes be tightened. The tighter ropes caused Mick's ear to be torn from the side of his head. Being the ring warrior that his is, Foley kept on wrestling, while the ring announcer picked up the dismembered ear and ran it to the back where it was put on ice for a trip to the nearest hospital to have it reattached. And in a promo a few years later, Mick revealed that because he didn't know the German word for formaldehyde he wasn't able to ask for his ear back, as the nurse dropped it into the trash and said, "It's all a big joke."
The story is drawn in the amazing style of the Batman the Animated Series by Bruce Timm and written by the enigmatic Paul Dini, both producers of the show that raised me on comics. BTAS is probably my favorite all time cartoon of ALL TIME. And to have a hardcover account of Harley's origin is pretty fucking spiffy in my book. I actually got to meet Bruce Timm at my first ever convention, Wizard World LA 2005. He drew me a Batman head and I got to tell him how much the show meant to me. The guy in line before me had the first volume of BTAS and had Timm sign every disc in the set. It was kind of funny, cause even then (my first con) I didn't really linger around the Big 2's booths. And now at SDCC I try to avoid them if I can.
The story goes like this, Harley Quinn wasn't always the Joker's sidekick. At one point she was a standout athlete in gymnastics who got a full ride to Gotham University. She excelled in her courses, but not due to hard work. She romanced her professors into making her a straight A student and a seeming prodigy in Psychology. Wanting to cash in and write tell all books about her case work, after graduation, Quinn, then Harley Quinzel, became a head shrink at Gotham City's most notorious facility, Arkham Asylum. Here she met the prize and prince of crime, Clown Prince that is, in the Joker. Falling victim to the Joker's charm and hard luck story, Doctor Quinzel let her guard down and Joker knew he had her. From that point on, there was nothing Harley wouldn't do for her Mr. J.
Bouncing back to present time, Harley is busy planning for the future, while Joker is determined to put the Batman on ice. After failing at her attempts to seduce the Joker, and being tossed out of a fifth story window, Harley decides enough is enough. But not in the way you might think. Harley has a plan to get rid of the obstacle between her an Mr. J once and for all.
Enter the "Death of a Hundred Smiles." What an awesome possible scenario. And the fact that this story, proved that Quinn wasn't just a cheap female Joker knock off. Harley had a mind and a demeanor that allowed her to be just as psychotic as the Joker, even more so, since her motives were purely based upon her "love" for her Puddin'. Harley wasn't just a flaky female foil for Batman. Sure she still has her moments of ditziness, but she is also in control of her destiny. And being that she was formed in an abusive relationship, and being that I have seen what abuse can do to the victim and their family and friends makes this story that much more important to me. Sure, fists can hurt someone. Usually those bruises and broken bones heal, but the psychological ramifications and scars run deep, and sometimes never allow the victim to heal.
This story, being so important to me and relevant to comic book history I have to give it a grade worthy of an equally important moment in wrestling history. A moment, that I believe was not recorded for posterity. It was the early 1990's and it was in Germany, a country known for tyranny and a butcherous nature. The match was Cactus Jack and Vader. Vader whipped Jack into the ropes, and Mick (Jack) took the move like a pro. He ended up in what was called a "hangman," where the wrestler gets his neck intertwined between the top and middle ropes. The move isn't normally dangerous, but in a match preceding this one, Too Cold Scorpio requested that the ring ropes be tightened. The tighter ropes caused Mick's ear to be torn from the side of his head. Being the ring warrior that his is, Foley kept on wrestling, while the ring announcer picked up the dismembered ear and ran it to the back where it was put on ice for a trip to the nearest hospital to have it reattached. And in a promo a few years later, Mick revealed that because he didn't know the German word for formaldehyde he wasn't able to ask for his ear back, as the nurse dropped it into the trash and said, "It's all a big joke."
Saturday, February 5, 2011
The Runaways; A Hardcore Review
Essentially this wasn't so much the story of the all girl rock band, The Runaways, so much as it was the story of Joan Jett and Cherie Curie.
While the look of the film was no doubt "spot on," I couldn't stand this movie. Kristen "Twilight" Stewart had NO FUCKING BUSINESS playing Joan Jett. Just cause she's in fucking vogue right now doesn't mean she was the right person to play Joan. And yeah, she looks a little like Jett in the 70's, but to me that AIN'T fucking good enough. The shitty thing, to me, is that she did a good job portraying the first lady of Punk Rock. Kristen Stewart, whether I like it or not is at the very least a decent actress, if not, a really good actress. This role has broken her out of the mold of being Bella, the wishy washy girl from the Twilight saga. And moving out of your comfort zone as an artist is essential for staying fresh and being the best that you can be.
Dakota Fanning plays Cherie Curie, the lead singer of The Runaways. With their meteoric rise to stardom, Curie becomes a drug addict and alcoholic. Fanning, has become a sparkling actress since her debut in "I Am Sam," playing opposite the very retarded Sean Penn.
Alia Shawkat, Pash from Whip It was in this movie, playing Robin. While Rob Zombie's Halloween Laurie Strode, Scout Taylor-Compton played Lita "Kiss Me Deadly" Ford. But the whole movie was spotlighting Joan Jett and her sometimes androgynous relationship with Cherie Curie.
After their Japanese tour, Curie lost it. Began heavily using, and according to the movie, became a Prima donna. While I am a big Joan Jett fan, I don't claim to know shit about the Runaways. God I so wanted to hate this movie. I really really wanted to. But I couldn't. There's little harder to do in this world than admit you were wrong. Not knowing a lot about the group that made acts like P!NK, Kittie, L7 and Bikini Kill possible should make me a fucking historian. But sometimes the best thing isn't to know all the details, but to just appreciate the music and everything it's done.
This flick was interesting to watch. Gave some much needed background on a truly groundbreaking group. And to my shock and awe had some really tremendous acting from someone I didn't think deserved the part, simply cause I felt she was a "flash in the pan" type star. But I have to say, with all sincerity, that The Runaways was a great flick. And thus brings to mind a truly great moment involving, at the time, two of the top workers in wrestling, Triple H and Mick Foley. After Triple H and Stephanie McMahon got "married" they made Mick Foley's life a living hell, including firing him. Upon an announced locker room wide walkout staged by The Rock, Triple H and Steph were forced to reinstate Foley. The Rock also dictated that there would be a tag team main event featuring Degeneration X versus The Rock, The APA and Mick Foley. The end of the match saw The Rock and Farooq and Bradshaw take out The New Age Outlaws and X Pac. Leaving the champ, Triple H and Mick Foley alone, battling it out for bloody supremacy of the ring. In the end, Hunter delivered a "Pedigree" to Foley, putting him through the announce table. As Triple H walked up the ramp, Mick, who's Mankind mask was ripped off during the fight, was bloodied and staring wild eyed at the retreating champion. The moment came the next night, or "officially" on Thursday night Smackdown, when in the ring celebrating his utter defeat of Foley, Triple H declared victory in their war. But out came Mick, in his Mankind outfit from Monday, bloody shirt included. Mick said, after the beating he took a few days before, he wasn't ready to take on the young champion at that Sunday's Royal Rumble pay per view. As he began taking off his mash and tie, he stated, "I'm in no condition to fight you on Sunday..... (Triple H smiles) but I know someone who is.... and I think you know him real well." Tearing open his shirt, he reveals his famous, "Wanted: DEAD" Cactus Jack t-shirt. BANG BANG!
While the look of the film was no doubt "spot on," I couldn't stand this movie. Kristen "Twilight" Stewart had NO FUCKING BUSINESS playing Joan Jett. Just cause she's in fucking vogue right now doesn't mean she was the right person to play Joan. And yeah, she looks a little like Jett in the 70's, but to me that AIN'T fucking good enough. The shitty thing, to me, is that she did a good job portraying the first lady of Punk Rock. Kristen Stewart, whether I like it or not is at the very least a decent actress, if not, a really good actress. This role has broken her out of the mold of being Bella, the wishy washy girl from the Twilight saga. And moving out of your comfort zone as an artist is essential for staying fresh and being the best that you can be.
Dakota Fanning plays Cherie Curie, the lead singer of The Runaways. With their meteoric rise to stardom, Curie becomes a drug addict and alcoholic. Fanning, has become a sparkling actress since her debut in "I Am Sam," playing opposite the very retarded Sean Penn.
Alia Shawkat, Pash from Whip It was in this movie, playing Robin. While Rob Zombie's Halloween Laurie Strode, Scout Taylor-Compton played Lita "Kiss Me Deadly" Ford. But the whole movie was spotlighting Joan Jett and her sometimes androgynous relationship with Cherie Curie.
After their Japanese tour, Curie lost it. Began heavily using, and according to the movie, became a Prima donna. While I am a big Joan Jett fan, I don't claim to know shit about the Runaways. God I so wanted to hate this movie. I really really wanted to. But I couldn't. There's little harder to do in this world than admit you were wrong. Not knowing a lot about the group that made acts like P!NK, Kittie, L7 and Bikini Kill possible should make me a fucking historian. But sometimes the best thing isn't to know all the details, but to just appreciate the music and everything it's done.
This flick was interesting to watch. Gave some much needed background on a truly groundbreaking group. And to my shock and awe had some really tremendous acting from someone I didn't think deserved the part, simply cause I felt she was a "flash in the pan" type star. But I have to say, with all sincerity, that The Runaways was a great flick. And thus brings to mind a truly great moment involving, at the time, two of the top workers in wrestling, Triple H and Mick Foley. After Triple H and Stephanie McMahon got "married" they made Mick Foley's life a living hell, including firing him. Upon an announced locker room wide walkout staged by The Rock, Triple H and Steph were forced to reinstate Foley. The Rock also dictated that there would be a tag team main event featuring Degeneration X versus The Rock, The APA and Mick Foley. The end of the match saw The Rock and Farooq and Bradshaw take out The New Age Outlaws and X Pac. Leaving the champ, Triple H and Mick Foley alone, battling it out for bloody supremacy of the ring. In the end, Hunter delivered a "Pedigree" to Foley, putting him through the announce table. As Triple H walked up the ramp, Mick, who's Mankind mask was ripped off during the fight, was bloodied and staring wild eyed at the retreating champion. The moment came the next night, or "officially" on Thursday night Smackdown, when in the ring celebrating his utter defeat of Foley, Triple H declared victory in their war. But out came Mick, in his Mankind outfit from Monday, bloody shirt included. Mick said, after the beating he took a few days before, he wasn't ready to take on the young champion at that Sunday's Royal Rumble pay per view. As he began taking off his mash and tie, he stated, "I'm in no condition to fight you on Sunday..... (Triple H smiles) but I know someone who is.... and I think you know him real well." Tearing open his shirt, he reveals his famous, "Wanted: DEAD" Cactus Jack t-shirt. BANG BANG!
Monday, November 15, 2010
JLA Earth 2; A Hardcore Review
At Tucson Comic Con I picked up a few books, including JLA Earth 2, volume 2 of Love and Rockets and Denny Riccelli's Get That Chicken. Today I will be reviewing JLA Earth 2 which features the core of the Justice League, of Superman, Wonder Woman, Batman, Flash and Kyle Rayner Green Lantern going up against alternate Earth versions of themselves in the Crime Syndicate. Written by Grant Morrison and illustrated by Frank Quietly this graphic novel burst onto the scene in the early 2000's.
The Crime Syndicate are easily the best part of this book with Johnny Quick, The evil Flash needing Speed Force-like drugs to keep up his normal hyper self. And when he comes down he begins to annoy the Ring, Green Lantern's counterpart. The Ring's power ring is a mystical sentient being of it's own and continually talks down to him. While Batman's doppleganger is Owlman, who is just as cunning, but way more ready to kill anyone who gets in his way, possibly even the passive aggressive Ultraman who at first glance seems to be Superwoman's bitch. Lois Lane is the Earth 2 Superwoman who feeds on her own narcissism and deep seeded need to control others, like Jimmy Olsen and Owlman.
The strange thing about this whole storyline is that it's built around failure, not success. And I don't mean a failure of a story, cause it's awesome. The concept is that the only ones who can succeed on their respective Earths are the heroes that belong there themselves. It's a great concept that spawned a few episodes on Justice League the cartoon and an animated movie, Crisis On Two Earths, which you can watch on Netflix.
What would you do if you knew there was another Earth with an exact opposite version of yourself? Would you attempt to change that world for the better/worse?
The book begins with the Justice League attempting a rescue on a jet liner that is about to crash. After the plane is landed by the team, they discover all 24 passengers are dead, their money with pictures of Benedict Arnold instead of George Washington and their hearts on the right side of their bodies. Martian Manhunter discerns that there is some parallel dimension that the plane was pulled from. Meanwhile on the Crime Syndicate's Earth an identical plane appears with people from our Earth.
The whole story is filled with some amazing scenarios, including Owlman and Superwoman having an affair all in the plain view of Ultraman who appears to be wrapped around Superwoman's little finger.
In the end, the Justice League realizes nothing they do is going to change Earth 2. That the harder they try, the more they are destined to fail. Earth 2 cannot and will not allow the Justice League to win. It's an amazing ideal that the ultimate goodguys are in fact badguys on Earth 2. A fascinating concept. But the Justice League does in fact decide to do something evil in order to gain access to the Crime Syndicate.
It's essentially something I was just thinking about last night. Being a hero sometimes means knowing nothing you do will change the world for the better. No matter how hard you try. But as a hero you still do everything you can, no matter the futility.
This is the first review I have done in a while, as my laptop has been on the fritz and is probably on it's last legs in some respects. I am working to rectify this situation as quickly and as inexpensively as possible.
The grade for this book is a fairly recent match from TNA and more than 20 years in the making. Flair versus Foley in a Last Man Standing match. Or a Death Match if you will. Both combatants blade, with Flair pulling another four alarmer. Battling up and down the entrance ramp and back into the ring. Flair takes a back body drop onto a pile of thumbtacks. Ultimately the ending, which some feel was lackluster, I really liked. Flair lands a splash onto Foley putting them both through a table. And as the count reaches ten, both Flair and Foley stand with Flair crumbling to the mat just after. The end result being that even though Flair was the work horse for so many years it was the man he called a "glorified stuntman" who could take more punishment. And the match ended with Foley having his hand raised.
The Crime Syndicate are easily the best part of this book with Johnny Quick, The evil Flash needing Speed Force-like drugs to keep up his normal hyper self. And when he comes down he begins to annoy the Ring, Green Lantern's counterpart. The Ring's power ring is a mystical sentient being of it's own and continually talks down to him. While Batman's doppleganger is Owlman, who is just as cunning, but way more ready to kill anyone who gets in his way, possibly even the passive aggressive Ultraman who at first glance seems to be Superwoman's bitch. Lois Lane is the Earth 2 Superwoman who feeds on her own narcissism and deep seeded need to control others, like Jimmy Olsen and Owlman.
The strange thing about this whole storyline is that it's built around failure, not success. And I don't mean a failure of a story, cause it's awesome. The concept is that the only ones who can succeed on their respective Earths are the heroes that belong there themselves. It's a great concept that spawned a few episodes on Justice League the cartoon and an animated movie, Crisis On Two Earths, which you can watch on Netflix.
What would you do if you knew there was another Earth with an exact opposite version of yourself? Would you attempt to change that world for the better/worse?
The book begins with the Justice League attempting a rescue on a jet liner that is about to crash. After the plane is landed by the team, they discover all 24 passengers are dead, their money with pictures of Benedict Arnold instead of George Washington and their hearts on the right side of their bodies. Martian Manhunter discerns that there is some parallel dimension that the plane was pulled from. Meanwhile on the Crime Syndicate's Earth an identical plane appears with people from our Earth.
The whole story is filled with some amazing scenarios, including Owlman and Superwoman having an affair all in the plain view of Ultraman who appears to be wrapped around Superwoman's little finger.
In the end, the Justice League realizes nothing they do is going to change Earth 2. That the harder they try, the more they are destined to fail. Earth 2 cannot and will not allow the Justice League to win. It's an amazing ideal that the ultimate goodguys are in fact badguys on Earth 2. A fascinating concept. But the Justice League does in fact decide to do something evil in order to gain access to the Crime Syndicate.
It's essentially something I was just thinking about last night. Being a hero sometimes means knowing nothing you do will change the world for the better. No matter how hard you try. But as a hero you still do everything you can, no matter the futility.
This is the first review I have done in a while, as my laptop has been on the fritz and is probably on it's last legs in some respects. I am working to rectify this situation as quickly and as inexpensively as possible.
The grade for this book is a fairly recent match from TNA and more than 20 years in the making. Flair versus Foley in a Last Man Standing match. Or a Death Match if you will. Both combatants blade, with Flair pulling another four alarmer. Battling up and down the entrance ramp and back into the ring. Flair takes a back body drop onto a pile of thumbtacks. Ultimately the ending, which some feel was lackluster, I really liked. Flair lands a splash onto Foley putting them both through a table. And as the count reaches ten, both Flair and Foley stand with Flair crumbling to the mat just after. The end result being that even though Flair was the work horse for so many years it was the man he called a "glorified stuntman" who could take more punishment. And the match ended with Foley having his hand raised.
Friday, October 1, 2010
Watchmen; A Hardcore Review
On Friday March 6, 2009, there was a historical event that came upon the movie and comic book industry....
Alan Moore and Dave Gibbon's Watchmen hit theatres. Me and my crew went at half after midnight on the day in question.
What followed is three hours of some of the most captivating feature film I have ever seen. The idea that this was an impossibility only a few years ago, and then chided by Alan himself, as he broke ties with DC and said none of his comics needed to be turned into movies. Well he was right about League, that was a pile of shit, and he had his name attatched to that one.
Watchmen is one of the most loved and best selling graphic novels of all time. One of a handfull of graphic novels taught in college classrooms. It encompases the worst feelings of the cold war and the bitter hideousness of McCarthyism.
In short, the movie was a huge success. The soundtrack rocked. They intermingled 80's pop with modern covers and seemed it beautifully. The visuals were spot on. The costume redesigns were great.There were a few things that were superfluous: like the seemingly endless sex scene abourd the Owl-jet. It was the type of scene that makes you feel like you were watching Roadhouse with your mom. That level of discomfort. The build up on Rorschach was great. Jackie Earle Haley was awesome. As if this was the role he was born for (it reminded me of Brandon Lee and the Crow). The only other man who could have been Rorschach was that crazy fucker Danny Bonaduce. The prison scene made my night with Rorschach uttering the most famous words of the series, "I'm not locked in here with you! You're locked in here with me!"
Beautiful.
And man Golden Age Silk Specter may have been hotter than Modern Age Silk Specter. But that whole pin up doll thing really works for me. Not to mention she was a redhead. NOICE!
I give Watchmen a blast from the past... Mankind being chokeslamed through the top of the Cell onto the cold hard, unforgiving canvas below, with a steel chair crashing onto his head.
Alan Moore and Dave Gibbon's Watchmen hit theatres. Me and my crew went at half after midnight on the day in question.
What followed is three hours of some of the most captivating feature film I have ever seen. The idea that this was an impossibility only a few years ago, and then chided by Alan himself, as he broke ties with DC and said none of his comics needed to be turned into movies. Well he was right about League, that was a pile of shit, and he had his name attatched to that one.
Watchmen is one of the most loved and best selling graphic novels of all time. One of a handfull of graphic novels taught in college classrooms. It encompases the worst feelings of the cold war and the bitter hideousness of McCarthyism.
In short, the movie was a huge success. The soundtrack rocked. They intermingled 80's pop with modern covers and seemed it beautifully. The visuals were spot on. The costume redesigns were great.There were a few things that were superfluous: like the seemingly endless sex scene abourd the Owl-jet. It was the type of scene that makes you feel like you were watching Roadhouse with your mom. That level of discomfort. The build up on Rorschach was great. Jackie Earle Haley was awesome. As if this was the role he was born for (it reminded me of Brandon Lee and the Crow). The only other man who could have been Rorschach was that crazy fucker Danny Bonaduce. The prison scene made my night with Rorschach uttering the most famous words of the series, "I'm not locked in here with you! You're locked in here with me!"
Beautiful.
And man Golden Age Silk Specter may have been hotter than Modern Age Silk Specter. But that whole pin up doll thing really works for me. Not to mention she was a redhead. NOICE!
I give Watchmen a blast from the past... Mankind being chokeslamed through the top of the Cell onto the cold hard, unforgiving canvas below, with a steel chair crashing onto his head.
Observe and Report; A Hardcore Review
What more can I say except, sure was a lot of cock in this movie.
Once again Seth Rogen is pretty damn hilarious. He's the new Vince Vaughn in terms of being the regular, quasi out of shape funny guy.
Any way, he plays Ronnie, this dilusional mall security guard who dreams of being a savior. The movie opens with a slow motion montage of the goings on in his mall. The second it ends, the hilarity ensues. A chubby mid lifer runs amoke in the mall parking lot, flashing female patrons and yelling some pretty heinous shit at them.
Bring in Ronnie and his random crew of motley misfits, a greasey whatever the fuck that guy was and the Chinese twins who have as much a hard on for firearms as my crazy, dilusional cousin, who interestingly enough is also a security guard with dilusions of gradeur.
Ronnie's other dream includes plowing the cosmetics counter whore, played almost too well, by Anna Faris.C'mon, this chick works at every fucking mall in the free world. And ladies, if you cannot identify this bimbo, well then it's because it's you.
After quite a bit of craziness including having to see Ray Liotta's fucked up mug and his partner's obscene hairline and Steven Segal-like ponytail for far too long. The dialog was pretty good, with Liotta playing the hardnosed, battle hardened detective who fails at every attempt to hold back the "retard" with the badge.
The movie culminates with something you see coming a mile away, even if it is tiny and almost obscured by errant belly flab. As well as the whole romance thing that according to Rich from KRQ's John Jay and Rich, Roy Orbison could see coming. Only to be corrected by John Jay and the internet.
Make sure you have fun while watching this movie, but please don't take your "Fifi" loving soon to be twelve year old daughters.... SANDRA! Jesus, and then she has the audacity to get mad at me for saying cock like twenty times afterwards. Fucking douchebag. I swear to god.
Now, onto the grade this movie receives. Observe and Report deserves the biggest car crash award it can possibly receive. And that would be once again dipping back into the classic match from King of the Ring 1998 where upon Mick Foley flew off the top of the Cell and crash landed through the Spanish announce table and halfway rolling under the guardrail behind them.
Once again Seth Rogen is pretty damn hilarious. He's the new Vince Vaughn in terms of being the regular, quasi out of shape funny guy.
Any way, he plays Ronnie, this dilusional mall security guard who dreams of being a savior. The movie opens with a slow motion montage of the goings on in his mall. The second it ends, the hilarity ensues. A chubby mid lifer runs amoke in the mall parking lot, flashing female patrons and yelling some pretty heinous shit at them.
Bring in Ronnie and his random crew of motley misfits, a greasey whatever the fuck that guy was and the Chinese twins who have as much a hard on for firearms as my crazy, dilusional cousin, who interestingly enough is also a security guard with dilusions of gradeur.
Ronnie's other dream includes plowing the cosmetics counter whore, played almost too well, by Anna Faris.C'mon, this chick works at every fucking mall in the free world. And ladies, if you cannot identify this bimbo, well then it's because it's you.
After quite a bit of craziness including having to see Ray Liotta's fucked up mug and his partner's obscene hairline and Steven Segal-like ponytail for far too long. The dialog was pretty good, with Liotta playing the hardnosed, battle hardened detective who fails at every attempt to hold back the "retard" with the badge.
The movie culminates with something you see coming a mile away, even if it is tiny and almost obscured by errant belly flab. As well as the whole romance thing that according to Rich from KRQ's John Jay and Rich, Roy Orbison could see coming. Only to be corrected by John Jay and the internet.
Make sure you have fun while watching this movie, but please don't take your "Fifi" loving soon to be twelve year old daughters.... SANDRA! Jesus, and then she has the audacity to get mad at me for saying cock like twenty times afterwards. Fucking douchebag. I swear to god.
Now, onto the grade this movie receives. Observe and Report deserves the biggest car crash award it can possibly receive. And that would be once again dipping back into the classic match from King of the Ring 1998 where upon Mick Foley flew off the top of the Cell and crash landed through the Spanish announce table and halfway rolling under the guardrail behind them.
The Iron Giant; A Hardcore Review
I am going to remind everyone who reads these reviews that the grading system I use is this: instead of thumbs up or stars, I rate on hardcore moments in pro wrestling history. The more hardcore the event, match, promo or moment the more I liked the book, comic, movie or video game I am reviewing. The less hardcore the moment, the more I disliked it. An example would be anything related to Hulk Hogan would be highly NOT recommended. Onto the review...
The cult favorite and movie that Warner Bros didn't put any money into promotion-wise. Time Warner the people who have 1/3 of all money in print, and they didn't put anything behind this cartoon juggernaut. The story of a young boy in Maine during the height of the Cold War. The paranoia is high as the Department of Defense sends a G Man to investigate the sighting of a 100 foot tall robot in the area. Hogarth Hughes is on the case. Hogarth shows the Iron Giant comic books and tells him about being a hero. Hogarth instills in the Iron Giant that he must never use his powers for evil. Hogarth even finds the Giant has a soft spot for almost all living things. He developes a soul and learns the heavy price of violence for no reason.
Kent Mansley, the afformentioned G Man, rents the room at Hogarth's house in an attempt to cull information from Hogarth about the visitor. Hogarth, knowing the robot means no harm, refuses Manley's advances.
The Army, led by Mansley brazenly open fire on the robot, down a crowded street in the sleepy town. The Giant, with Hogarth in protective tow, retreats, as he only uses his weaponry in a defensive capacity. This Giant makes a believer out of even the toughest of skeptics. He will do anything to protect his new friend. After believing Hogarth to be dead, the Giant goes on a rampage against the Army in true Orwellian fashion. In a last ditch effort to prove himself right, Mansley launches a missile at the Giant. The Giant just happens to be in the middle of the small town with the Army. There is a lesson to be learned in this movie, even if it goes against the hardcore nature of my reviews.
As Hogarth says to the Giant, "It's bad to kill. And guns kill. You don't have to be a gun. You are what you choose to be." The Giant learns his final lesson from his young friend, all life matters, even his own. The Giant makes the choice only a hero would make and chooses to give his life for the sake of his friends. In his won words, he wanted to be a hero. He utters one word, "Superman..."
This movie defies description and is a classic even if it's not a Disney movie. It's better than anything they've ever done. And it is my favorite 2D animated movie of all time. With phenomenal voice acting by Harry Connick Jr., Jennifer Anniston, Christopher MacDonald, and Vin Deisel as the Iron Giant, you know you're going to be entertained. And when it's written and directed by Brad Bird, the man behind Pixar's The Incredibles and Ratatouille you know you're in good hands. From begining to end this movie is a true work of art, and gives real credit and credence to the animated film industry. I give this film a grade it richly deserves, and one of Mick Foley's final matches ever. Triple H versus Mick Foley who returned only three days earlier on Smackdown as Cactus Jack. The main event of the Royal Rumble 2000, Mick began his departure from the WWF, in an attempt to main event Wrestlemania as his defining moment. This match saw Triple H reach deep down to obtain his testicular fortitude, and show his ability to be truly hardcore. Hunter took a sever beating at the hands of Cactus, giving himself a good blade job. The paramount moment came when Mick reached under the ring to pull out a bag of thumbtacks which he littered the ring with. Triple H delivers a Pedigree to Mick, who for vanity sake, kicks out. And you know what comes next. Another Pedigree, this time on the thumbtacks. This was the first pay per view I had seen in more than ten years, and was a bout a year after I got back into wrestling. Proving why I marked out for Triple H, and just another reason why I will always respect Mick Foley.
The cult favorite and movie that Warner Bros didn't put any money into promotion-wise. Time Warner the people who have 1/3 of all money in print, and they didn't put anything behind this cartoon juggernaut. The story of a young boy in Maine during the height of the Cold War. The paranoia is high as the Department of Defense sends a G Man to investigate the sighting of a 100 foot tall robot in the area. Hogarth Hughes is on the case. Hogarth shows the Iron Giant comic books and tells him about being a hero. Hogarth instills in the Iron Giant that he must never use his powers for evil. Hogarth even finds the Giant has a soft spot for almost all living things. He developes a soul and learns the heavy price of violence for no reason.
Kent Mansley, the afformentioned G Man, rents the room at Hogarth's house in an attempt to cull information from Hogarth about the visitor. Hogarth, knowing the robot means no harm, refuses Manley's advances.
The Army, led by Mansley brazenly open fire on the robot, down a crowded street in the sleepy town. The Giant, with Hogarth in protective tow, retreats, as he only uses his weaponry in a defensive capacity. This Giant makes a believer out of even the toughest of skeptics. He will do anything to protect his new friend. After believing Hogarth to be dead, the Giant goes on a rampage against the Army in true Orwellian fashion. In a last ditch effort to prove himself right, Mansley launches a missile at the Giant. The Giant just happens to be in the middle of the small town with the Army. There is a lesson to be learned in this movie, even if it goes against the hardcore nature of my reviews.
As Hogarth says to the Giant, "It's bad to kill. And guns kill. You don't have to be a gun. You are what you choose to be." The Giant learns his final lesson from his young friend, all life matters, even his own. The Giant makes the choice only a hero would make and chooses to give his life for the sake of his friends. In his won words, he wanted to be a hero. He utters one word, "Superman..."
This movie defies description and is a classic even if it's not a Disney movie. It's better than anything they've ever done. And it is my favorite 2D animated movie of all time. With phenomenal voice acting by Harry Connick Jr., Jennifer Anniston, Christopher MacDonald, and Vin Deisel as the Iron Giant, you know you're going to be entertained. And when it's written and directed by Brad Bird, the man behind Pixar's The Incredibles and Ratatouille you know you're in good hands. From begining to end this movie is a true work of art, and gives real credit and credence to the animated film industry. I give this film a grade it richly deserves, and one of Mick Foley's final matches ever. Triple H versus Mick Foley who returned only three days earlier on Smackdown as Cactus Jack. The main event of the Royal Rumble 2000, Mick began his departure from the WWF, in an attempt to main event Wrestlemania as his defining moment. This match saw Triple H reach deep down to obtain his testicular fortitude, and show his ability to be truly hardcore. Hunter took a sever beating at the hands of Cactus, giving himself a good blade job. The paramount moment came when Mick reached under the ring to pull out a bag of thumbtacks which he littered the ring with. Triple H delivers a Pedigree to Mick, who for vanity sake, kicks out. And you know what comes next. Another Pedigree, this time on the thumbtacks. This was the first pay per view I had seen in more than ten years, and was a bout a year after I got back into wrestling. Proving why I marked out for Triple H, and just another reason why I will always respect Mick Foley.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Tek Jansen: A Hardcore Review
The staunch conservative, Stephen Colbert has done it again folks. Managed to entertain us in ways we never thought imaginable. See a lot of right wingers actually think Colbert is for real and that he's doing this spectacular job. Thus further precipitating my hypothesis that conservatives don't actually have a sense of humor. And based on the sheer number of right thinking, bible thumping asstronaughts out there, I'm fucking right.
Tek Jansen is the story of a delusional space captain, based on the likeness and I'm guessing on screen thought process of Colbert, for Comedy Central. During his adventures, Jansen manages to break every unified space law and embargo for his own massive ego and thought of "might makes right." Didn't we recently have another very public figure who felt that way? And I'm pretty sure, he was the reason why people with mental retardation can now accomplish just about anything. Including running multi-billion dollar corporations into the ground; and becoming President and almost taking over the world. Come to think of it, wasn't Napoleon borderline retarded too? Oh well, I digress. Tek, swoons the ladies, be they human, robot or large floating brain in a jar. Jansen can't be stopped in a nicely produced hardcover by John Layman (Chew) and mostly drawn by Robbi Rodriguez. The first chapter was drawn by Scott Chantler. This is probably the most fun I have had reading a comic book in a while. Super great art, and a Don Quixote-like protagonist at the helm of some pretty dangerous weaponry makes for must read comics. And he's not fighting windmills neither. Jansen, after chapter one's debacle, gets busted down to cadet, and has to go back through basic training. During a lecture course on "civil surrender," Jansen calls his instructor a pussy and rips off his face. Jansen then commandeers a ship and kidnaps the cadet class and goes to war with the Antagons. Blasting damn near everything in sight and killing about half of the class. The final portion of this chapter has Jansen promoted back to whatever the fuck he was before, and shows the outcome of the remaining members of Jansen's cadet classmates. Half Killed in Action, the other half presumed dead and or missing.
During the other chapters, Jansen fights his evil, yet still devastatingly handsome, self to a standstill. Although he was on orders to kill himself, as it were.
And during the entire book Jansen has kept his POW and pet, Meangarr in a closely held jar, while the little space automaton shouts degrading, yet comic relief inspired, threats at Tek. In the end, Jansen releases Meangarr unto the cosmos, who immediately threates to rip out his gizzards. But then relents as he too is stricken by Tek's sheer animal magnetism and machismo.
This is definitely a book for humor and sci fi enthusiasts. And anyone who enjoys the Colbert Report is gonna love this book. The sad fact being is that this title came out right as the 2007 Writer's Strike hit and was postponed from the first issue for several months. When it resurfaced, Oni Press and Comedy Central failed to capitalize on its popularity with fans and it seemed to fade into obscurity. But it stands as a testament to the superior human race and that we as a people must conquer all other species, NOT JUST ON THE PLANET, but in the known universe. Hump those fuckers into submission before they hump us.
Bringing to mind, a not very hardcore, but pretty damn funny moment in wrestling history. During the twilight of Mankind's career in the then WWF, Mankind's closest friend, the Rock decided to throw Mick Foley a "this is your life" type party in the middle of the ring. in front of the "DOZENS and dozens" of Mankind's fans, Rock proceeded to bring out significant people from Mick's past including the old lady whose house Mick leaped off of all those years ago. Fondly recalling that episode in his life, Mankind responds, "She had such delicious pie," to the Rock's near vomiting in the middle of the ring. The Rock and Sock Connection, who were two time WWF World Tag Team Champions and both held the WWF Heavyweight Title on multiple occasions, were a contrast in not only styles, but where they came from. Rock was essentially heralded as wrestling royalty, being the son of Rocky Johnson and the grandson of High Chief Peter Maivia. Where as, Mick was this guy who busted his ass through the independent circuit for years and slept in his car during the cold Pittsburgh nights while training with Troy Martin in Dominic DeNucci's school. Although we mostly remember Mick Foley for the loss of body parts, gallons of blood and insane determination he gave this industry, we sometimes forget the great comedy he provided us with later in his career. Here's to you Mick!
Tek Jansen is the story of a delusional space captain, based on the likeness and I'm guessing on screen thought process of Colbert, for Comedy Central. During his adventures, Jansen manages to break every unified space law and embargo for his own massive ego and thought of "might makes right." Didn't we recently have another very public figure who felt that way? And I'm pretty sure, he was the reason why people with mental retardation can now accomplish just about anything. Including running multi-billion dollar corporations into the ground; and becoming President and almost taking over the world. Come to think of it, wasn't Napoleon borderline retarded too? Oh well, I digress. Tek, swoons the ladies, be they human, robot or large floating brain in a jar. Jansen can't be stopped in a nicely produced hardcover by John Layman (Chew) and mostly drawn by Robbi Rodriguez. The first chapter was drawn by Scott Chantler. This is probably the most fun I have had reading a comic book in a while. Super great art, and a Don Quixote-like protagonist at the helm of some pretty dangerous weaponry makes for must read comics. And he's not fighting windmills neither. Jansen, after chapter one's debacle, gets busted down to cadet, and has to go back through basic training. During a lecture course on "civil surrender," Jansen calls his instructor a pussy and rips off his face. Jansen then commandeers a ship and kidnaps the cadet class and goes to war with the Antagons. Blasting damn near everything in sight and killing about half of the class. The final portion of this chapter has Jansen promoted back to whatever the fuck he was before, and shows the outcome of the remaining members of Jansen's cadet classmates. Half Killed in Action, the other half presumed dead and or missing.
During the other chapters, Jansen fights his evil, yet still devastatingly handsome, self to a standstill. Although he was on orders to kill himself, as it were.
And during the entire book Jansen has kept his POW and pet, Meangarr in a closely held jar, while the little space automaton shouts degrading, yet comic relief inspired, threats at Tek. In the end, Jansen releases Meangarr unto the cosmos, who immediately threates to rip out his gizzards. But then relents as he too is stricken by Tek's sheer animal magnetism and machismo.
This is definitely a book for humor and sci fi enthusiasts. And anyone who enjoys the Colbert Report is gonna love this book. The sad fact being is that this title came out right as the 2007 Writer's Strike hit and was postponed from the first issue for several months. When it resurfaced, Oni Press and Comedy Central failed to capitalize on its popularity with fans and it seemed to fade into obscurity. But it stands as a testament to the superior human race and that we as a people must conquer all other species, NOT JUST ON THE PLANET, but in the known universe. Hump those fuckers into submission before they hump us.
Bringing to mind, a not very hardcore, but pretty damn funny moment in wrestling history. During the twilight of Mankind's career in the then WWF, Mankind's closest friend, the Rock decided to throw Mick Foley a "this is your life" type party in the middle of the ring. in front of the "DOZENS and dozens" of Mankind's fans, Rock proceeded to bring out significant people from Mick's past including the old lady whose house Mick leaped off of all those years ago. Fondly recalling that episode in his life, Mankind responds, "She had such delicious pie," to the Rock's near vomiting in the middle of the ring. The Rock and Sock Connection, who were two time WWF World Tag Team Champions and both held the WWF Heavyweight Title on multiple occasions, were a contrast in not only styles, but where they came from. Rock was essentially heralded as wrestling royalty, being the son of Rocky Johnson and the grandson of High Chief Peter Maivia. Where as, Mick was this guy who busted his ass through the independent circuit for years and slept in his car during the cold Pittsburgh nights while training with Troy Martin in Dominic DeNucci's school. Although we mostly remember Mick Foley for the loss of body parts, gallons of blood and insane determination he gave this industry, we sometimes forget the great comedy he provided us with later in his career. Here's to you Mick!
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Twilight: A Hardcore Drunken Review
Let me first reinterate that this is a hardocre drunken review. The editing has been done as seen fit, but is left in tact as much as possible as given the feature being reviewed. I aM still drinking Kiltlifters as I type this with my girlfriend aspeep in the next room. I am leaving things uncorrected as I see fit, as I am drunk while typing thus.
dSo, me and my girfriend/ boothbabe just watched Twilight, or I did, as she fell asleep with fifteen minutes left on the clock. And since thw World Cup is going on, fifteen seconds is a LONG fucking time. First things first, I didn't hate this movie as much as I thought I would or as much as I wanted to, or maybe that was cause I'm drunk. In fact the opeming title thingee is still playing in a loop as I type this. My newly accepted girlfriend is asleep in the next room, but sleepishly demanded tht I write this review. It';s not gonna make a lot of sense since I AM DRUNK, but it should be entertaining none the less.
So I juist picked up my new glasses yesterday after an interview. And I must say my new girlfriend likes them a lot. As do I. They're frameless. Is thar even a word?
So, after convincing me weeks ago that I must be inebriated to watch said movie, I agreed and sat down, although there was a very long break during, because I was warching with my girlfriend, "wink." This movie wasnt the complete, Black Baby Abortion thaT mEGAN fOX HAD THAT i EXPECTED,. If you follow current complete "who gives a shit" celebrity news than you might know what I'm talking about. So this girl moves o Washington state, as if that's ever happened before. And makes quick friends, like tha happens witha pasty white chick and a bunch of minorities, in a state populated by minorities. And she seems to catch the eye of this one really weird guy who cant stand to look at her for more than a few seconds without running out of the classroom like he just jizzed his pants. Anyways, she almost gets hsit bya car and this weird pedophile looking motherfucker saves her foe reaseons explained later in the movie, which is really gay and I'm glad Iam still drunk while writing this. Guy m,eets girl and decides he wants to kill her or suck her blood or fuck her or whatever. I mean this is why this is a hardcore review, right? So he falls in love with this girl who onluy looked good in Adventureland, and decides to not killer, as he's some sort of vegetarian vampire who only eats animals. Um, I know I'm drunk but that;s not a vegetarian. aNYways theres this other guy who shows up without a shirt in the next movie anf is sill underage, but is an Indian, so
i guss that makes it ok that this is a really gay story, and if you fol,low my facebook then you know what I mean by "gay."
Baseball ensues, which is a fucking boring game unless you';re playing it. And then they hunt Bella, which is also gay, unless you've seen Kristen Stewart plau a trashy whore in Adventureland like I have. And trust me yo havent. Cause she was like a thousand time trashier in my mind. Is trashier even a word? I guess it is according to this spellchieck. Keep in mind this is like my tenth Kiltlifter in like three hours.
So she wakes up in a hospital and then goes to prom wher Jacob (the Werewolf) and Edward (team wooden steak) see e ach other and get all wanna bee agro, but the just come off as uber gaylike. Why does Edwards adiptiv father look like muy roommate? Seriously, that shuit is gonna keep me up at nights. Or days as I work nights, but irregardless (whcih is supprisinglya word on this spellcheck.
So this movie gets a grade befitting to its and my current state. Cactus JAck versus The Sandman in ECW. The Sandman was out on his feet during a Texas DEath Match against Cactus Jack. The object of which is to beat ths shit out of your opponent, pin him and them hope he doenst answer the ten count. Early un the match Sandman suffered a concussion and wouldn't stay down. So, Cactus had to continue beating the shit out of him to keep him down for not only three count, but the ten count that followed. I'm drunk so all I remember is Cactus hitting Sandman with a fucking cast iron skillet ND i thing thAt is what gave Sandman the concussion. Mick (Cactus Jack) admits to it in a dvd. The matxch that kept on going was a train wreck. Like seriously. Watch it and you'll see Jim's eyes rolled into tha back of his head and not recogniing where he is. Its craxy. It's on Mick Foley's Greatsest Hits and Misses dvd from the devils in Stamford. I can really reven type.
GO TEAM WOODEN STEAK!
dSo, me and my girfriend/ boothbabe just watched Twilight, or I did, as she fell asleep with fifteen minutes left on the clock. And since thw World Cup is going on, fifteen seconds is a LONG fucking time. First things first, I didn't hate this movie as much as I thought I would or as much as I wanted to, or maybe that was cause I'm drunk. In fact the opeming title thingee is still playing in a loop as I type this. My newly accepted girlfriend is asleep in the next room, but sleepishly demanded tht I write this review. It';s not gonna make a lot of sense since I AM DRUNK, but it should be entertaining none the less.
So I juist picked up my new glasses yesterday after an interview. And I must say my new girlfriend likes them a lot. As do I. They're frameless. Is thar even a word?
So, after convincing me weeks ago that I must be inebriated to watch said movie, I agreed and sat down, although there was a very long break during, because I was warching with my girlfriend, "wink." This movie wasnt the complete, Black Baby Abortion thaT mEGAN fOX HAD THAT i EXPECTED,. If you follow current complete "who gives a shit" celebrity news than you might know what I'm talking about. So this girl moves o Washington state, as if that's ever happened before. And makes quick friends, like tha happens witha pasty white chick and a bunch of minorities, in a state populated by minorities. And she seems to catch the eye of this one really weird guy who cant stand to look at her for more than a few seconds without running out of the classroom like he just jizzed his pants. Anyways, she almost gets hsit bya car and this weird pedophile looking motherfucker saves her foe reaseons explained later in the movie, which is really gay and I'm glad Iam still drunk while writing this. Guy m,eets girl and decides he wants to kill her or suck her blood or fuck her or whatever. I mean this is why this is a hardcore review, right? So he falls in love with this girl who onluy looked good in Adventureland, and decides to not killer, as he's some sort of vegetarian vampire who only eats animals. Um, I know I'm drunk but that;s not a vegetarian. aNYways theres this other guy who shows up without a shirt in the next movie anf is sill underage, but is an Indian, so
i guss that makes it ok that this is a really gay story, and if you fol,low my facebook then you know what I mean by "gay."
Baseball ensues, which is a fucking boring game unless you';re playing it. And then they hunt Bella, which is also gay, unless you've seen Kristen Stewart plau a trashy whore in Adventureland like I have. And trust me yo havent. Cause she was like a thousand time trashier in my mind. Is trashier even a word? I guess it is according to this spellchieck. Keep in mind this is like my tenth Kiltlifter in like three hours.
So she wakes up in a hospital and then goes to prom wher Jacob (the Werewolf) and Edward (team wooden steak) see e ach other and get all wanna bee agro, but the just come off as uber gaylike. Why does Edwards adiptiv father look like muy roommate? Seriously, that shuit is gonna keep me up at nights. Or days as I work nights, but irregardless (whcih is supprisinglya word on this spellcheck.
So this movie gets a grade befitting to its and my current state. Cactus JAck versus The Sandman in ECW. The Sandman was out on his feet during a Texas DEath Match against Cactus Jack. The object of which is to beat ths shit out of your opponent, pin him and them hope he doenst answer the ten count. Early un the match Sandman suffered a concussion and wouldn't stay down. So, Cactus had to continue beating the shit out of him to keep him down for not only three count, but the ten count that followed. I'm drunk so all I remember is Cactus hitting Sandman with a fucking cast iron skillet ND i thing thAt is what gave Sandman the concussion. Mick (Cactus Jack) admits to it in a dvd. The matxch that kept on going was a train wreck. Like seriously. Watch it and you'll see Jim's eyes rolled into tha back of his head and not recogniing where he is. Its craxy. It's on Mick Foley's Greatsest Hits and Misses dvd from the devils in Stamford. I can really reven type.
GO TEAM WOODEN STEAK!
Monday, April 19, 2010
Whip It; A Hardcore Review
"What are you doing in five and half minutes?"
The tagline for this movie is "Be your own hero." More appropriate words for this current neopolitical/ pop culture driven climate could not be more spot on.
Bliss Cavendar (Ellen Page) is your run of the mill small town Texas misfit teen with no real aspirations of life other than placating her mom who happens to be taken with beauty pageants and cotillions. Bliss, along with "help" from her best friend, Pash, she appears at the pageant with blue hair to answer the question, "If you could eat dinner with anyone who would it be?" Bliss and Pash work side by side along with Birdman, their classmate and new shift supervisor at their waitressing gig. Pash has applied to Ivy League colleges, while Bliss kinda just doesn't really know who she is or what she wants from life. Having little passion for her future, Bliss goes shoping in nearby Austin with her mom and little sister. The shopping excursion turns into something more when Bliss runs across some local roller derby girls who skate for the team, The Hurl Scouts. Concocting a beautiful scheme with bff Pash, Bliss is out to "support her high school team," on an away game in Austin. Bliss reveres the girls of the Hurl Scouts, despite their losing effort. Claiming her new heroes in the Hurl Scouts to skater, Maggie Mayhem, Bliss is told, "Well put on some skates. Be your own hero."
Armed with a gut full of determination and "Barbie" skates, Bliss tries out for the TXRD. She's smaller and thusly faster than any girl on the track. Picked by coach, Razor, Bliss joins the Hurl Scouts, TXRD's Bad News Bears, with one exception. They're hot, lovable losers. And they just don't care. Lead by Maggie Mayhem (Kristen Wiig), Smashly Simpson (Drew Berrymore), Rosa Sparks (hip hop artist Eve) and the doubly deaf Manson Sisters, Bliss is rechristened "Babe Ruthless," the team's newest "jammer." For the roller derby newb, a jammer is the person who scores points for their team, by completing revolutions of the track while passing members of the opposing team. Teammates provide blocking to enable scoring from the jammer. Physical contact is not only necessary it is wholly encouraged, cheered and fucking expected. Babe's problem is her unwanting to take a hit or make physical contact. Being pushed by rival Iron Maven (Juliette Lewis) Babe is forced to become well Ruthless.
The movie is about finding out who you are and going after it. It's about respecting where you come from, but not allowing that to hinder who you might become. The great thing about this movie is that a lot of actual roller derby girls worked on its production. It was also Drew Berrymore's directorial debut. And to be honest, I had my doubts about the film's legitimacy when I found that out. But after seeing how passionate these women are about what they do. Without big money contracts, endorsements top quality facilities to practice or play in, and the way society looks at them, I have so much more respect not only for the sport as a whole, but the women as individuals and their friendships and families that grow from roller derby.
What makes the experience of watching this movie even more special for me is that prior to watching it I was drinking down at the Surly Wench Pub here in Tucson and it was following a huge intercity roller derby bout. To see these women in person and the fun, and caring they have for each other after the bout is over. The people you travel down the road we all call life together become your friends, your road dogs. People you would go to bat for.
As I have stated before in my reviews, my position of being a fan of professional wrestling, most notably ECW in the years of 1994-2001, I dig the hardcore moments that encompass true battle and courage. That being said, if I review something and grade it with more than a short passing reference to Hulk Hogan I FUCKING HATED IT! And it's my blog and if you're reading it then I guess you enjoy my thoughts, have similar feelings or just like backlashing humor. However, in today's review Hulk Hogan will not be a factor. Thank god. I fucking hate that bastard. Whip It is about passion for what you do, and finding out who you really are. And in a one liner that truly matters, "being your own hero." What I came up with after some heavy thought is the tag team match from "One Night Stand" 2006 pitting newly self anointed co Hardcore Champions Mick Foley and Edge versus any two scumbags from the ECW locker room. Those scumbags just happened to be the "Innovator of Violence" Tommy Dreamer and "The Living Legend" Terry Funk. Funk was 62 when this match happened. Which is twenty plus years older than Foley. Tommy provided most of his team's offense and time in the ring. But when Funk got a hold of his opponents he let them have it. And a 62 year old punch from Terry Funk is probably a lot like a forty-something punch from Terry Funk, "stiff." During the course of the match, Funk had trauma to his eye and had to be rushed from ring side. All the while Tommy Dreamer took the brunt of the new hardcore duo. Funk returned ten minutes later through the crowd, complete with bloody head bandage and insanely over sized 2X4 wrapped in barbed wire. When he gets to the ring, Beulah helps him light the damn thing on fire. He then starts wailing away on Mick Foley with it and then dives into Foley taking both men off the ring apron and into a large piece of plywood covered in barbed wire. And the crowd at the Hammerstein Ballroom in the Manhattan Center thundered E C W! E C W!
The tagline for this movie is "Be your own hero." More appropriate words for this current neopolitical/ pop culture driven climate could not be more spot on.
Bliss Cavendar (Ellen Page) is your run of the mill small town Texas misfit teen with no real aspirations of life other than placating her mom who happens to be taken with beauty pageants and cotillions. Bliss, along with "help" from her best friend, Pash, she appears at the pageant with blue hair to answer the question, "If you could eat dinner with anyone who would it be?" Bliss and Pash work side by side along with Birdman, their classmate and new shift supervisor at their waitressing gig. Pash has applied to Ivy League colleges, while Bliss kinda just doesn't really know who she is or what she wants from life. Having little passion for her future, Bliss goes shoping in nearby Austin with her mom and little sister. The shopping excursion turns into something more when Bliss runs across some local roller derby girls who skate for the team, The Hurl Scouts. Concocting a beautiful scheme with bff Pash, Bliss is out to "support her high school team," on an away game in Austin. Bliss reveres the girls of the Hurl Scouts, despite their losing effort. Claiming her new heroes in the Hurl Scouts to skater, Maggie Mayhem, Bliss is told, "Well put on some skates. Be your own hero."
Armed with a gut full of determination and "Barbie" skates, Bliss tries out for the TXRD. She's smaller and thusly faster than any girl on the track. Picked by coach, Razor, Bliss joins the Hurl Scouts, TXRD's Bad News Bears, with one exception. They're hot, lovable losers. And they just don't care. Lead by Maggie Mayhem (Kristen Wiig), Smashly Simpson (Drew Berrymore), Rosa Sparks (hip hop artist Eve) and the doubly deaf Manson Sisters, Bliss is rechristened "Babe Ruthless," the team's newest "jammer." For the roller derby newb, a jammer is the person who scores points for their team, by completing revolutions of the track while passing members of the opposing team. Teammates provide blocking to enable scoring from the jammer. Physical contact is not only necessary it is wholly encouraged, cheered and fucking expected. Babe's problem is her unwanting to take a hit or make physical contact. Being pushed by rival Iron Maven (Juliette Lewis) Babe is forced to become well Ruthless.
The movie is about finding out who you are and going after it. It's about respecting where you come from, but not allowing that to hinder who you might become. The great thing about this movie is that a lot of actual roller derby girls worked on its production. It was also Drew Berrymore's directorial debut. And to be honest, I had my doubts about the film's legitimacy when I found that out. But after seeing how passionate these women are about what they do. Without big money contracts, endorsements top quality facilities to practice or play in, and the way society looks at them, I have so much more respect not only for the sport as a whole, but the women as individuals and their friendships and families that grow from roller derby.
What makes the experience of watching this movie even more special for me is that prior to watching it I was drinking down at the Surly Wench Pub here in Tucson and it was following a huge intercity roller derby bout. To see these women in person and the fun, and caring they have for each other after the bout is over. The people you travel down the road we all call life together become your friends, your road dogs. People you would go to bat for.
As I have stated before in my reviews, my position of being a fan of professional wrestling, most notably ECW in the years of 1994-2001, I dig the hardcore moments that encompass true battle and courage. That being said, if I review something and grade it with more than a short passing reference to Hulk Hogan I FUCKING HATED IT! And it's my blog and if you're reading it then I guess you enjoy my thoughts, have similar feelings or just like backlashing humor. However, in today's review Hulk Hogan will not be a factor. Thank god. I fucking hate that bastard. Whip It is about passion for what you do, and finding out who you really are. And in a one liner that truly matters, "being your own hero." What I came up with after some heavy thought is the tag team match from "One Night Stand" 2006 pitting newly self anointed co Hardcore Champions Mick Foley and Edge versus any two scumbags from the ECW locker room. Those scumbags just happened to be the "Innovator of Violence" Tommy Dreamer and "The Living Legend" Terry Funk. Funk was 62 when this match happened. Which is twenty plus years older than Foley. Tommy provided most of his team's offense and time in the ring. But when Funk got a hold of his opponents he let them have it. And a 62 year old punch from Terry Funk is probably a lot like a forty-something punch from Terry Funk, "stiff." During the course of the match, Funk had trauma to his eye and had to be rushed from ring side. All the while Tommy Dreamer took the brunt of the new hardcore duo. Funk returned ten minutes later through the crowd, complete with bloody head bandage and insanely over sized 2X4 wrapped in barbed wire. When he gets to the ring, Beulah helps him light the damn thing on fire. He then starts wailing away on Mick Foley with it and then dives into Foley taking both men off the ring apron and into a large piece of plywood covered in barbed wire. And the crowd at the Hammerstein Ballroom in the Manhattan Center thundered E C W! E C W!
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