X-Men First Class; A Hardcore Review

"Go fuck yourselves!" The single greatest line Wolverine has ever uttered... EVER! But why Wolverine can say "fuck" and Mystique has no visible nipples confounds me. But back to the point. Wait, what was the fucking point? Oh, right, First Class, with characters who didn't show up until like a few years ago. Great continuity job there guys. Look I hate the concept of reboots. But I hate the concept of shitty reboots even more. And when there is only ONE original X-Man in the FIRST CLASS, there's gonna be a problem. But down deep, this was a good movie. A really good movie. I wanted to hate it. And believe me, I got my moments, which I will fully blast later, but this was a solid flick. I loved that they used footage from the first X-Men movie when Magneto's powers first manifested. And I loved how Shaw used Magneto as a test case, and brought the source of his powers out. It was AWESOME! Plus, Kevin Bacon's German, and Russian were great. Not that I speak either language. I mean, let's be honest, I can barely handle English or American, but whatever you wanna call it.
Magneto's journey of vengeance was flat out, very well done. And done with such fervor and rage, it was fucking believable. That's what I liked about it. But to balance out Magneto's anger, was Charles Xavier's serenity. Somehow, knowing all these people hate him and want him dead, even after all his team did, he still wanted to make the world better by just blending in. Magneto did, at the end, bring out the Malcolm X to Xavier's Martin Luther King Jr. It made sense. And fusing it with actual history, including the Cold War and the Cuban Missile Crisis was super well done. I have been super impressed with this and one other film that melded with American history and used it so well, by integrating it with the story. Surprisingly well done. I dug the cast of characters, for the most part. And of course like any sci-fi movie, the black guy died first. At least it wasn't on accident so the two estranged white people got to live, but the whole team. And he made that choice to try and help defeat Shaw and his ripoff Nightcrawler. But what the fuck was a go-go dancing stripper named who had DRAGONFLY tattoos on her back called Angel for? And how many women, in 1962, even a stripper, had huge fucking wings tattooed on there backs? One of the worst keeping with the 60's motif in the movie. That and the fact that the white and black mutants got along. C'mon, there wasn't any tension between them. But there was issues with Hank McCoy who had weird feet? What the fuck? Oh, and then when he transforms he becomes unable to make his mouth move in accordance with his speech. And he didn't get any bigger body wise, but his head grew EIGHT sizes that day. And while I am on the subject of Beast, if he did become more animalistic in nature, than wouldn't he lose the need for glasses? He would have predator eyes.
But back to the good. The search for the mutants. Man, the fucking cameo of Wolverine was CLASSIC!
Xavier: "Hi, I'm Charles Xavier and this is-"
Wolverine: "Go fuck yourselves!"
Xavier: "Alrighty then..... Eric, I think I just wet me britches a smidge."
Why was a 16 year old in solitary confinement and he wasn't all scary or crazy. I mean he was antisocial, but not hardcore about it. You know, I never liked White Queen all that much, but GODDAMN January Jones has got a set of titties on her. And she's like what a buck five, with tits that make her a buck fifteen. The diamond effect was cool. And even though he was a Nightcrawler knock off, Azazel had his moments. He was cool looking, but I dunno, I just love Crawler so much, that I couldn't like him at all. Although the way he used his power was pretty badass. But the pretty much unlimited teleportation range was a fucking bit much. And what was the point of Angel? Dude, there was like the most useless character. But she lives, cause she's hot and I guess only half black or Asian. And the full on negro bites the dust, by getting exploded from the inside. And by the guy who used to be the Nazi official.... do tell.
This movie was cool for the most part in my mind because of the mutant searching, the training and Magneto's search for revenge. Those are elements that made for a great new beginning. And Xavier and Mystique's relationship was really cool. Knowing that even in the end when he told her to go with Magneto, he wasn't reading her mind. Oh, and how come Xavier has to touch his temple to activate his powers? And why does Magneto need to motion towards the object he is manipulating? I understand it when he's still learning to use his power. But Emma Frost didn't have to do that. Shaw sorta did, but he was absorbing and expelling energy.
The breakdown of the first big battle and the training sequences alone made this flick for me. Sure there were parts that sucked, but with most comic book movies is to hope that they get the spirit of the characters correctly and the story makes sense and is epic in a way. Solid story, really good cast. Using a lot of unknown and lesser used actors, solid effects and mostly great characters.... X-Men First Class was a great reboot. And I never thought I would hear myself say that. Then again I never thought I would cheer a Wolverine one liner either.
If you're just tuning in, the Hardcore Review doesn't use thumbs, letters, numbers or even a hefty, nifty little shiny one liner for the movie poster or dvd slip case. I use hardcore moments in wrestling history as a basis for my grades. If the review is favorable, expect, foul language, sex, blood and more. If it sucks, expect Hulk Hogan. The moment I harken back to is from 1997. Triple H, who was then Hunter Hearst Helmsley was embroiled in a battle with Mankind. But the feud grew to the point that Mankind enlisted the friend of his old alter ego, Cactus Jack. Triple H and Cactus battled in a hardcore match with weapons and total violence, just when the then World Wrestling Federation began to enter the "Attitude Era." It was Monday Night Raw and the final moment of the match resulted in Cactus Jack doing something that very well may never have been done in the WWF until that point.... he piledrived Triple H through a table on the Titantron entrance ramp. The table wasn't the regular folding table used now, this was a rough, raw wood table that was probably from the 80's. I'm surprised Triple H survived to become the 10 time champion, and man who three years later "retire" Mick Foley as Cactus Jack.

X-Men Origins: Wolverine; A Hardcore Review

Shhhhhh..........IT! WHat the fuck was this about? Hannibal King is also Wade Wilson, the easiest fucking rip off of Deathstroke the Terminator there has ever been. Man, was Rob Liefeld on one of his Levis Jeans model shoots when he thought up this bag of crap? I'll get back to that abortion later.
Who fucking directed this movie? Cause last thing I saw before the screen said the movies title, was its producers. Of which Hugh Jackman put his twenty bucks into the pot. And I'm guessing they didn't spend all the money on compentent CGI Animators either. What the fuck was up with the sceen in the bathroom? His claws looked 2D and they were floating all over the place.
Hey guys I got a great idea for a Wolverine movie. Let's tell a story about how he got the outfit he wears in the three X-Men movies.
I got another great idea for a Wolverine movie. Let's completely gloss over possibly one of the greatest origin stories of all time in Barry Windsor Smith's opus, Weapon X. And I got another idea too. Let's completely squash the idea of Weapon X and call it something cool like Weapon 10. Yeah cause nothing makes people happier than shitting all over something they've read and trusted and believed like a mucking up continuity like it was a 50 pack of American cheese.
Who wrote this attrocity? Did they just grab a handful of Wolverine origin stories, (Of which there are thousands)[THANKS MARVEL]... and just read the first three pages of each and then say, "yup that should do it." Who the fuck was the Japanese guy supposed to be, Domino? Cause she was one of my favorite characters, fuck Longshot! And everyone is all pissing themselves cause Ryan Reynolds shows up for like ten minutes and does a pretty shitty job of being a believable Deadpool. Oh wait, my bad. He wasn't Deadpool, he was Wade Wilson. Who then eventually becomes Deadpool, and has a ton of fucking powers, which also had nothing to do with Department H or Weapon X. Fuck you Joe Quesadilla. It's Weapon X and if I ever meet up with your tubby ass in an alley one day I'm gonna go Jimmy Palmiotti all over you fat hairy Italian ass.
So the concept of this movie was, tell the comic book world's most overused character's most rediculous origin ever. And do it in an hour and thirty minutes. I'll do you one better. Let's not only do it in an hour and thirty minutes, let's make it FUCKING PG-13, so we can sell fucking action figures and a video game that will be mature rated. Let's not show any blood, especially while Wolverine, sorry Weapon 10, cause he wasn't Wolverine yet, kills what two fucking people on his way out of the Department H compound. Oh and let's make it even better by having him choose a name in the gayest way possible.... by having it relate back to some chick he was fucking who told him some fucking rediculous fucking bedtime story about how the cow jumped over the moon and the cow was actually named wolverine or Mrs. RObinson or some other highly illogical plot point. That and how long were Wolverine and "his brother" Sabretooth actually in this special (as in short bus) program? Cause Vietnam ended in 1972, more or less. And then after Logan leaves the program it's six years later and everyone is wearing Tommy Fucking Hilfiger on Bourbon Street. Given that maybe he was in their little gay group of retarded mutants for a decade, that would still only make the story take place in 1988. I'll give you two or three years and call it the 1990's. SO why did all the vehicles they were driving look like brand newly manufactured 2000+ editions?
Where were your continuity editors? Where were your editors period? What the fuck happend to Wolverine and his shiny Indian Cheif belt buckle. And how come people got instant erections for Ryan Reynolds who already belongs to a different franchise? You people are dumb dumb dumb! Although Liev Shreiber did make a decent Sabretooth, sorry, Victor Creed. Cause where does the Creed name come from if he's really Logan's brother, who is named Logan because that would be his last name. HMmmmmmm. Plot holes that you could drive Peter Jackson's new bago f crap Distric 9 through.
In summation, I give X-Men Origins: Wolverine a pretty gay grade in and of itself. A fifty plus year old man "hulking up" in the middle of the ring while his weight belt holds in his massively muscled gut and his bleached blonde bimbo combo daughter and wife sit at ringside while his son gets ass raped in prison. Ladies and gentlemen, Hulk Hogan!