X-Men First Class; A Hardcore Review

"Go fuck yourselves!" The single greatest line Wolverine has ever uttered... EVER! But why Wolverine can say "fuck" and Mystique has no visible nipples confounds me. But back to the point. Wait, what was the fucking point? Oh, right, First Class, with characters who didn't show up until like a few years ago. Great continuity job there guys. Look I hate the concept of reboots. But I hate the concept of shitty reboots even more. And when there is only ONE original X-Man in the FIRST CLASS, there's gonna be a problem. But down deep, this was a good movie. A really good movie. I wanted to hate it. And believe me, I got my moments, which I will fully blast later, but this was a solid flick. I loved that they used footage from the first X-Men movie when Magneto's powers first manifested. And I loved how Shaw used Magneto as a test case, and brought the source of his powers out. It was AWESOME! Plus, Kevin Bacon's German, and Russian were great. Not that I speak either language. I mean, let's be honest, I can barely handle English or American, but whatever you wanna call it.
Magneto's journey of vengeance was flat out, very well done. And done with such fervor and rage, it was fucking believable. That's what I liked about it. But to balance out Magneto's anger, was Charles Xavier's serenity. Somehow, knowing all these people hate him and want him dead, even after all his team did, he still wanted to make the world better by just blending in. Magneto did, at the end, bring out the Malcolm X to Xavier's Martin Luther King Jr. It made sense. And fusing it with actual history, including the Cold War and the Cuban Missile Crisis was super well done. I have been super impressed with this and one other film that melded with American history and used it so well, by integrating it with the story. Surprisingly well done. I dug the cast of characters, for the most part. And of course like any sci-fi movie, the black guy died first. At least it wasn't on accident so the two estranged white people got to live, but the whole team. And he made that choice to try and help defeat Shaw and his ripoff Nightcrawler. But what the fuck was a go-go dancing stripper named who had DRAGONFLY tattoos on her back called Angel for? And how many women, in 1962, even a stripper, had huge fucking wings tattooed on there backs? One of the worst keeping with the 60's motif in the movie. That and the fact that the white and black mutants got along. C'mon, there wasn't any tension between them. But there was issues with Hank McCoy who had weird feet? What the fuck? Oh, and then when he transforms he becomes unable to make his mouth move in accordance with his speech. And he didn't get any bigger body wise, but his head grew EIGHT sizes that day. And while I am on the subject of Beast, if he did become more animalistic in nature, than wouldn't he lose the need for glasses? He would have predator eyes.
But back to the good. The search for the mutants. Man, the fucking cameo of Wolverine was CLASSIC!
Xavier: "Hi, I'm Charles Xavier and this is-"
Wolverine: "Go fuck yourselves!"
Xavier: "Alrighty then..... Eric, I think I just wet me britches a smidge."
Why was a 16 year old in solitary confinement and he wasn't all scary or crazy. I mean he was antisocial, but not hardcore about it. You know, I never liked White Queen all that much, but GODDAMN January Jones has got a set of titties on her. And she's like what a buck five, with tits that make her a buck fifteen. The diamond effect was cool. And even though he was a Nightcrawler knock off, Azazel had his moments. He was cool looking, but I dunno, I just love Crawler so much, that I couldn't like him at all. Although the way he used his power was pretty badass. But the pretty much unlimited teleportation range was a fucking bit much. And what was the point of Angel? Dude, there was like the most useless character. But she lives, cause she's hot and I guess only half black or Asian. And the full on negro bites the dust, by getting exploded from the inside. And by the guy who used to be the Nazi official.... do tell.
This movie was cool for the most part in my mind because of the mutant searching, the training and Magneto's search for revenge. Those are elements that made for a great new beginning. And Xavier and Mystique's relationship was really cool. Knowing that even in the end when he told her to go with Magneto, he wasn't reading her mind. Oh, and how come Xavier has to touch his temple to activate his powers? And why does Magneto need to motion towards the object he is manipulating? I understand it when he's still learning to use his power. But Emma Frost didn't have to do that. Shaw sorta did, but he was absorbing and expelling energy.
The breakdown of the first big battle and the training sequences alone made this flick for me. Sure there were parts that sucked, but with most comic book movies is to hope that they get the spirit of the characters correctly and the story makes sense and is epic in a way. Solid story, really good cast. Using a lot of unknown and lesser used actors, solid effects and mostly great characters.... X-Men First Class was a great reboot. And I never thought I would hear myself say that. Then again I never thought I would cheer a Wolverine one liner either.
If you're just tuning in, the Hardcore Review doesn't use thumbs, letters, numbers or even a hefty, nifty little shiny one liner for the movie poster or dvd slip case. I use hardcore moments in wrestling history as a basis for my grades. If the review is favorable, expect, foul language, sex, blood and more. If it sucks, expect Hulk Hogan. The moment I harken back to is from 1997. Triple H, who was then Hunter Hearst Helmsley was embroiled in a battle with Mankind. But the feud grew to the point that Mankind enlisted the friend of his old alter ego, Cactus Jack. Triple H and Cactus battled in a hardcore match with weapons and total violence, just when the then World Wrestling Federation began to enter the "Attitude Era." It was Monday Night Raw and the final moment of the match resulted in Cactus Jack doing something that very well may never have been done in the WWF until that point.... he piledrived Triple H through a table on the Titantron entrance ramp. The table wasn't the regular folding table used now, this was a rough, raw wood table that was probably from the 80's. I'm surprised Triple H survived to become the 10 time champion, and man who three years later "retire" Mick Foley as Cactus Jack.

Banner; A Hardcore Review

Banner, written by the great crime comic book scribe, Brian "100 Bullets" Azzarello and drawn by the incomparable Richard Corben is a book dealing with the duality of Bruce Banner's existence with the Hulk. And it works more like a psyche profile than anything else, simply because it handles that duality aspect better than I have ever seen previously. There is equal time given to both Hulk's massive rage, and Bruce Banner's meekness and inner hostility. The only portion it does not answer is where all this boundless and often uncontainable anger originates from. What we are to gather from this, which is actually a dialog between Doc Sampson and General Ross is that Banner is really an angry guy. From his heart he wants to be over with the whole thing. Especially given the closing scene where Ross has a "Final Solution" to the Hulk's legacy of destruction. Sampson relents that simply erasing Hulk would prevent any of the positive things that physicist Bruce Banner could bring to the world as a whole.
We are taught through medical intervention and the use of treatments and drugs, that the possible positive outcome is decidedly worth the risk of possible negative side effects. And in a lot of cases it is true. Think about the people who may appear far beyond the scope of help, in their psychosis or dementia. I have seen dementia patients. It's not a pretty picture. And I have seen people who have to take regular doses of tranquilizers. And I wonder how bad someone's life might be that they HAVE to take these medications. And I look inward and think I have undergone some of the same things. Maybe not in the scale that these other patients have, but still, it's recordable. And I look at the quality of my life now versus how it was before the drugs. Comparably it is a much better quality of life.
So, Banner is on the loose, and continues to elude Sampson and Ross across the Southwest. Massacring towns and killing people. Sampson, has gained some notable power in the government or possibly worse, the media, that he has the ability to put spin coverage on the Hulk's rampages. A devastating attack by the Hulk gets turned into a freak tornado or earthquake. And as per usual, Azzarello spins a yarn like few others can. He turns the whole thing into something eerily "common" in that the government for all we know is constantly spin doctoring things from the truth we deserve. But would it really make you feel better to know there was a huge, pissed off, completely uncontrollable, monosyllabic green monster tearing through your back yard, or that it was merely a freak tornado?
Corben's line work is legendary. This story was not your usual hero fare, it called for something gritty and dark. Corben is your man for the job. But for some reason, I honestly almost hated the artwork. It seemed sloppy in a lot of ways. The rubble and destruction was beautifully rendered in it's sheer dirtiness. But I did not dig the way the characters were rendered. The use of stippling was something you don't see every day in comics. But I felt with the advent of all things possible in the digital aspect you could have just as effectively used a filter or better shading.
Overall, Banner was a top notch psychological mind fuck. Something I think would blend beautifully well into the movie franchise. Although Marvel fucked that up by shitting all over Edward Norton and his search for perfection. Recently Kevin Feige stated that Norton was hard to work with and would not do well in an ensemble cast like the upcoming Avengers movie. Tell me, what was the Incredible Hulk but an ensemble cast. Edward Norton, Liv Tyler, William Hurt, Tim Roth, Tim Blake Nelson and Ty Burrell. That's a FUCKING ensemble cast. Why won't Marvel just say, "hey we don't want someone changing our vision of the story. We want someone to just come in, recite the lines we wrote, collect their paycheck and fucking leave." Cause let's face it, Marvel comic movies are by no means Shakespeare or even a del Toro or Luc Besson flick. Marvel tries to produce fare that is going to make them back their investment in the box office. And no matter what happens, comic book fans are always going to be unhappy with the result. Marvel just wants everything in their universe to read the way they want to be perceived. Just like in this story. Cause nobody wants to be seen as the badguy. Well, most people don't. I'm not so sure Marvel hasn't burned a very talented bridge and then pissed all over the ashes.
So for the grade of this, I am going with a wrestling match that fuels my vision of this story. A match that was not by any stretch of the imagination pretty or a thing of beauty, but it was effective storytelling. Sort of like that Amsterdam Kung Fu kick to the chest in the World Cup final by De Jong. Pretty much anything featuring one of my favorite train wrecks in pro wrestling Mick Foley would do the trick. The match I think of that tells a great story about Mick, as Cactus Jack in WCW in the early 90's. Cactus took on the then World Heavyweight Champion, Vader. Mick has stated that this has been called one of the most blatantly brutal matches of his career. WCW's policy at the time, and pretty much unless it was a pay per view in the late 90's was not to involve any blood. So Cactus suggests to Vader (pre match) that he produce some swelling under Mick's eye. Vader took it upon himself to produce a lot more than swelling when he began pummeling Mick in the face, and broke his nose. And for those of you who have ever had nose trauma, it's kind of hard to not see blood when you've broken your nose. The rest of the match was a lot of abuse that Cactus took from Vader, including being squashed under the total body weight of Vader as he dropped to the floor with Cactus on his back. Cactus even performed a front somersault from the apron into Vader after Vader had already injured his ribs crashing into a protective guardrail only moments before. After the aerial assault, Cactus rolled back into the ring to get the count out victory.