Batman: The Dark Knight 1-4; A Hardcore Review

I was so all about this book when I first heard about it. David Finch does some great
grim and gritty. BUT and this is a big but, Finch is not, and should never be let to write another comic book story EVER! There are numerous plot holes, and just the build to finding out it was Clayface in the end of the third issue was a let down in my mind. And even the artwork was not something I really liked. For some reason it seemed to fall flat.

And in the New 52 there are a lot of things to like, but the fuck load of Batman titles is not one of them. I mean, c'mon build the foundation before you start putting up the windows and plumbing. Seriously. This really felt like it started in the middle of some story. And it was a story, I didn't get hyped about while reading, and am going to have taken off my pull list. I always say you can't really judge the comic without reading at least the first arc. Well I did, and it let me down big time. The only bigger let down, but was totally expected was Jim Lee not cutting it either. I think he should seriously be relegated to covers, and pinups and be contractually obligated to finishing a project before he gets paid. From what my dealer told me, that's pretty much what Finch was made to do, cause he had been fucking up big time while he wrote and drew his projects. They "saddled" him with the co-writer, which he honestly needs. There are a ton of artists who think they can write, and they just don't have the ability to make the characters relatable or even likable. I mean there's nothing wrong with that, unless you try and sell yourself as a writer, and you're not. That works if you're Bill O'Reilly or Newt Gingrich and you have a million zealot followers who are as stupid as you are. But not in comics folks. And it's fair for someone to say, "what have you ever done?" Well, that makes sense. I write and draw Youth in Asia, and I drew, or directed the screen play written by Venus of Necro of Fuzzyface. But back to the review, it just didn't sit well with me. It felt a lot like an early Image comic, all flash and absolutely nothing really to be in love with. If you remember the early Image stuff, it had this great artwork (for the time) and some really lackluster writing. There were a few exceptions to that.
The artwork peaked at times, but the huge hulking Two-Face who wanted to be called One Face should have been a giveaway, although it didn't. Plus the 'roided out Joker was a bit much. Joker and Two Face have always been psychological characters and not physical threats. And then you ad the White Rabbit to the mix, which reeks of The Mad Hatter, but will probably be what the wrestling industry calls a swerve. Then there was the truly unspectacular detective work of the Batman. He wasn't cerebral at the least, but seemed to be fine just bashing the shit out of whoever was in front of him. And maybe that's just me, but this seriously felt like nothing I would ever want to see in a Batman movie. Especially if Christian Bale is growling the dialog from this piece. And I shall leave it at that. Without ripping it's asshole completely open. The benefit to that is no straining when you have to poop.


Some of you may be reading this for the first time, so here goes. I grade my reviews based on moments in wrestling history. The more hardcore the moment, the more I liked it. The more old school refs to Hulk Hogan or Sid Vicious (pre 90's) probably means this is a joke and should not be taken seriously only if you also like Twilight and stupid shit like that. And the grade this gets is seriously fitting, but helped spawn a new promotion after he helped doom WCW. Batman: The Dark Knight gets, Jeff Jarrett breaking one thousand balsa wood guitars on the heads of one thousand other wrestlers, and it never raised the eyebrow of a fan. It was never extreme. It never got Jarrett the millions he felt he deserved or the respect of the fans. And god, I hope, never got him respect of the fans either. Take that Slap Nuts!

Captain America: A Hardcore Review

Today I review the star spangled pretty boy Captain America. Kind of interesting, that America decided to fight the Nazis with a poster boy for the Aryan Nation. Even more interesting is that Nazis are fucking morons. Cause well, look at fucking the definition of Aryans as a race.
So this flick I rented via Redbox on Bluray last night. And Redbox is so nice that it warns you that you are about rent a Bluray that will not play in a standard dvd player.
Captain America starts off with a really sweet scene in the present. And I'm sitting telling my friend Chankla that, "dude, they're gonna find Cap frozen in an ice cube." Then, we jump back to the early 1940's where a young Steven Rogers, all of 98 pounds gets a 4F rating for joining the Army four times after lying on his paperwork. The cool thing was that the whole series of time it's Chris Evans all CGI'd to look all wimpy and tiny. But then when he emerges from the Super Soldier chamber, he looks like a fucking 12 inch GI Joe doll. It just seemed really odd to me, especially the whole really lame romantic tryst between Agent Peggy Carter and Steve. It felt forced, but she was pretty effing hot. I dig that 40's 50's pinup model look. But add some tattoos. Anyways, the movie had a lot of fucking cheese to it. But then again, we're talking about a guy who dresses up in red, white and blue. That's pretty fucking lame in appearance. I can't believe how stupid comic book characters look in movies when they look pretty cool in print. It struck me years ago when I saw a scene from the 1989 Batman movie where Batman and Vicki Vale are running through the city, it just looks really stupid. But this flick had great action, although the portions shot specifically for 3D were really ultra cheese. I wish Hollywood would knock off the 3D gimmick. And for all of you assholes who were dumb enough to purchase a 3D flatscreen and a 3D Bluray player are gonna be so sorry when that shit breaks and you're stuck with a fucking television that has a really warped looking picture. "Who's stupid now ya dirty sheep fucker?!"
So, the action was pretty well choreographed, but there were points that looked extremely cheesey. I did however love the nod to Cap's original costume and shield with the war bonds getup. I think if we re-edit that scene with "America Fuck Yeah," from the Team America movie. In fact. pretty much this entire flick was a propaganda piece. Especially while we're again at war for some fucking stupid reason that doesn't involve our freedom being trounced. Cause then our military would be sitting out front of the Capitol building in Washington DC and they be under heavy mortar fire.
I dug the issuing of the new shield and the explanation of the Vibranium. I really dug the whole technology angle with Howard Stark. His armor and everything. It just looks so lame with the coloration on screen. It's one of those things I really don't think works in a real life type event. But that's also what makes the comics so special and fun to read.
The super high points of Captain America was seeing Dum Dum Dugan and how awesome Red Skull looked. Hugo Weaving is one of my favorite actors. Cause anyone who can be behind a mask for an entire movie, and still make for a compelling character is a stellar actor. I loved the end scene where the try and ease Cap into the 21st century. That was great. I really liked a lot when it comes to Captain America, although I've never been a reader or collector of Captain America comics. I just don't really like his as a character. And I totally empathize with the idea that there is no way the American government would ever test on a white soldier before testing on a black soldier like in Captain America The Truth or Red White and Black, whatever the fuck that mini series was called. But overall I would say it was just a lead in to the Avengers movie for next year. And anyone who would put this on their top movie list is a fucking idiot. It basically was just a movie made to have like 8 different Captain America action figures. It was a merchandising attempt and nothing more.
In doing so, I give this flick a grade it deserves, a match that has been added to two dvd comps for WWE. Bet Ladder Matches and Essential Starcade. And didn't deserve to be on either. It had so many missed spots and a really fucking lame ending. From the final Starcade in 2000, the three way tag team ladder match that had the winner being the single man, not team, who climbed the ladder and grabbed the contract for a Cruiserweight Championship match the following night on Nitro. Of course WCW had slipped so far off the deep end that I guess this match was supposed to be epic in scope, but pailed in comparison to the three way tag team ladder matches in the WWE that were being put together by the Hardy's, the Dudley's and Edge and Christian. 3 Count versus the Jung Dragons versus Karagias and Knoble was a trainwreck of a match. Missed spots. A really fucking lame ending where both members of 3 Count grabbed the contract at the same time. Plus the garish big lime green baggy pants 3 Count wrestled in were icing on the cake. I mean the announcing even sucked, as there was no Bobby The Brain Henan. But at least there was lovely little Kimona Wannalaya, as Leia Meow.

Batman Mad Love & Other Stories; A Hardcore Review *SPOILERS*

FINALLY Harley Quinn and her origin have come to the Hardcore Review. The ultimate story about Harley Quinn is such a treat to read and this is actually the second copy I have gotten of it. The first being a second print of the prestige format edition from the mid nineties. I traded a bunch of Lady Death comics to my friend, Dave, who is now my tattoo artist.
The story is drawn in the amazing style of the Batman the Animated Series by Bruce Timm and written by the enigmatic Paul Dini, both producers of the show that raised me on comics. BTAS is probably my favorite all time cartoon of ALL TIME. And to have a hardcover account of Harley's origin is pretty fucking spiffy in my book. I actually got to meet Bruce Timm at my first ever convention, Wizard World LA 2005. He drew me a Batman head and I got to tell him how much the show meant to me. The guy in line before me had the first volume of BTAS and had Timm sign every disc in the set. It was kind of funny, cause even then (my first con) I didn't really linger around the Big 2's booths. And now at SDCC I try to avoid them if I can.
The story goes like this, Harley Quinn wasn't always the Joker's sidekick. At one point she was a standout athlete in gymnastics who got a full ride to Gotham University. She excelled in her courses, but not due to hard work. She romanced her professors into making her a straight A student and a seeming prodigy in Psychology. Wanting to cash in and write tell all books about her case work, after graduation, Quinn, then Harley Quinzel, became a head shrink at Gotham City's most notorious facility, Arkham Asylum. Here she met the prize and prince of crime, Clown Prince that is, in the Joker. Falling victim to the Joker's charm and hard luck story, Doctor Quinzel let her guard down and Joker knew he had her. From that point on, there was nothing Harley wouldn't do for her Mr. J.
Bouncing back to present time, Harley is busy planning for the future, while Joker is determined to put the Batman on ice. After failing at her attempts to seduce the Joker, and being tossed out of a fifth story window, Harley decides enough is enough. But not in the way you might think. Harley has a plan to get rid of the obstacle between her an Mr. J once and for all.
Enter the "Death of a Hundred Smiles." What an awesome possible scenario. And the fact that this story, proved that Quinn wasn't just a cheap female Joker knock off. Harley had a mind and a demeanor that allowed her to be just as psychotic as the Joker, even more so, since her motives were purely based upon her "love" for her Puddin'. Harley wasn't just a flaky female foil for Batman. Sure she still has her moments of ditziness, but she is also in control of her destiny. And being that she was formed in an abusive relationship, and being that I have seen what abuse can do to the victim and their family and friends makes this story that much more important to me. Sure, fists can hurt someone. Usually those bruises and broken bones heal, but the psychological ramifications and scars run deep, and sometimes never allow the victim to heal.
This story, being so important to me and relevant to comic book history I have to give it a grade worthy of an equally important moment in wrestling history. A moment, that I believe was not recorded for posterity. It was the early 1990's and it was in Germany, a country known for tyranny and a butcherous nature. The match was Cactus Jack and Vader. Vader whipped Jack into the ropes, and Mick (Jack) took the move like a pro. He ended up in what was called a "hangman," where the wrestler gets his neck intertwined between the top and middle ropes. The move isn't normally dangerous, but in a match preceding this one, Too Cold Scorpio requested that the ring ropes be tightened. The tighter ropes caused Mick's ear to be torn from the side of his head. Being the ring warrior that his is, Foley kept on wrestling, while the ring announcer picked up the dismembered ear and ran it to the back where it was put on ice for a trip to the nearest hospital to have it reattached. And in a promo a few years later, Mick revealed that because he didn't know the German word for formaldehyde he wasn't able to ask for his ear back, as the nurse dropped it into the trash and said, "It's all a big joke."

The Spirit; A Hardcore Review

I am going to remind everyone who reads these reviews that the grading system I use is this: instead of thumbs up or stars, I rate on hardcore moments in pro wrestling history. The more hardcore the event, match, promo or moment the more I liked the book, comic, movie or video game I am reviewing. The less hardcore the moment, the more I disliked it. An example would be anything related to Hulk Hogan would be highly NOT recommended. Onto the review...
Wow! I love to write reviews for shit that I don't like. LOOKS LIKE ANOTHER WINNER!
Sorry Eric, but dude, this movie sucked longer and harder than a Peter North porno. For a longtime friend of Will Eisner, it sure seems like Frank Miller didn't actually read any of the source material. This crap came off like Sin City-lite. The Spirit is supposed to have some humor in it, but I couldn't find any. Of course it may have had something to do with seeing this movie with my roommates and it being my Christmas alone without a girlfriend.... Maybe. But it still would have sucked if I had seen it with a girlfriend.
There were a ton of comic book movies in 2008. And this was by far the last one of the year. Figuratively and literally. I really wanted to like this flick, cause it's an Eisner character and it was done by Frank Miller. But I mean there are even things that make me not like P!NK or Fairuza Balk. Mainly cause P!NK wastes her time with shiftless layabout and the adulterous Carey Hart. I used to think, hey at least she's with one of the best moto cross riders out there. But how the fuck do you cheat on P!NK? Like what is your fucking problem. Sure she's in way better shape than you, and probably makes more money and people recognize her when you walk down the street hand in hand, but it's still P!NK.
This movie was like the abortion you should have had but didn't and seventeen years later you're still paying child support on it. This movie was worse than the first Hulk movie. There I said it. And there were no cool exploding CGI heads like in Punisher Warzone. Maybe it was because of Gabriel Macht. Maybe it was because of all the super hotties in the film, fucking up the balance. And maybe it was Samuel L Jackson acting much more gay than he has in any of his previous movies. But it was most likely a shitty script and not so great directing. I dig Frank Miller and all, but here's a piece of advice Frank, "remain in comic books, and nobody will have to get hurt." I would rather watch an entire season of the Real Housewives of Pluto than rewatch this ghastly mistake. I would rather piss glass. I would rather watch Catwoman and then watch Halle Berry's Oscar speech on repeat until I gouged out my eyes with whatever blunt object I could find and then use whatever sharpe objects I could find to pierce my ear drums so I couldn't hear her act anymore.
In short there's about a million things I would rather do than watch this movie again. Comment on this post with your ideas of things I could be doing instead with my valuable time.
In summation: I give this movie the grade it deserves. The 1999 crowning of new WCW World HEavyweight Champion, Mr. Courtney Cox, I mean David Arquette. Say hi to your sister/ brother Alexis for me. you douchebag. I think Vince Russo should be anally raped with porcupines stuffed with equal parts pineapples and pine cones for this piece of shit. I'm sure this incident had absolutely nothing to do with WCW's eventual demise. But I'm sure it didn't slow down the process any either.
This post, although not done in a timely manner was thoroughly fun and made me laugh out loud. So therefore it was a good thing.