Hack Slash, My First Maniac 1-3; A Hardcore Review

Today, after a very long time in the making, I review the first three issues of the Image Comics release of Hack Slash; My First Maniac. This is as much of an origin of slasher killer, Cassie Hack as you can imagine. Cassie Hack is a young, semi goth, quasi punker chick who, along with her hulking friend Vlad, hunts down slashers. Her very first experience with slashers was with her mom, The Lunch Lady. Cassie went to a private school where her mom worked in the cafeteria. Cassie, was awkward as most kids her age are. But she was tormented by her classmates. Cassie's mom saw all this happening and decided to do something about it. So the Lunch Lady began slashing the kids at the school. But like so many slasher movies, she was hunted down and killed.
Cassie ran. Hooked up with Vlad and began slashing the slashers. The original series from Devils Due Press ran for more than thirty issues, and a series of one shots and crossovers. Cassie was even featured on the Suicide Girls website with her own set of pics. The photos of fans run in the backs of the issues are probably some of the best likenesses of fandom I have ever seen.
Hack Slash was created by Tim Seeley. Several issues of the original series was also illustrated by Seeley. Emily Stone ended up drawing most of the remaining issues of the series. Seeley is writing the current series along with Daniel Leister who is doing the art chores. The flash back sequences are awesome as the line style changes and the coloring is old school half tones. I seriously dig that shit.
I'm kind of bummed that the series went to Image. Although I feel this will give the series more coverage and the much needed boost towards the eventual release of the movie. Devils Due had been publishing the series for years. Including the exclusive Suicide Girls one shot. Which had three different covers. Each issue, current or past DDP series comes with a variant cover. The omnibi (plural for omnibus) has cover artwork by Ross Campbell who does the series Wet Moon.
This review is not so much just for the current series, as it is for the overall Hack Slash mythos. Hack Slash is a phenomenal fucking comic. From the uber hot Cassie Hack, to the lovable hell hound Pooch, to the misshapen hero Vlad and all the seriously fucked up slashers, Hack Slash is page for page one of the best comics on the rack right now. You like horror, on a Rob Zombie blood splatter scale, then you need to fucking read this book. Hack Slash is a bloody mess, with some killer tits and ass. I think one of the things I like best about Cassie is that she's not a traditional ditzy bimbo with huge boobs. She's smart, savvy and she is height and weight proportionate. She is also very much a Suicide Girl, sans the tattoos and piercings. Cassie Hack is everything the survivors of all horror movies are; strong female protagonists. In the spirit of the book, Hack Slash I have to go with a bloody mess of a wrestling match. And who better to go with than two of the all time bests in the industry. At ECW's Living Dangerously 2000, Steve Corino, the self proclaimed "King of Old School" took on "The American Dream" Dusty Rhodes in a "Bull Rope" match. In a blood splatterfest, Corino and Rhodes bled each other for the love of the sport and the adulation of the crowd. This is one of the all time best, short lived wrestling feuds in the history of this storied industry. A double "four alarm blade job," Corino and Rhodes made history as two generations met in the ring and time stood still. In my opinion this was bigger than Hogan versus The Rock, in so much as Hogan could never dream to be the worker Rhodes was on his worst day. And Corino was one of the best heels of a short lived ECW. Blood and violence galore, Steve Corino regrets nothing in the massive scar tissue he now wears as a badge of honor for the sport he loves.

Jay & Silent Bob Chasing Dogma; A Hardcore Review *SPOILERS*

Kevin Smith's one note loser duo of Jay and Silent Bob first made it onto comic books with the Clerks comic book. Don't get me wrong, there is a place for dick and fart jokes, even on your graphic novel shelf. With writing by the enigmatic Smith and art by the seriously underrated Duncan Fegredo (Girl, and Tank Girl) seriously push the envelope of decency and self respect in this, god knows what the hell it was supposed to be about. But it did have the amazing origin of Suzanne which was hinted at in the end credits of Mallrats. Although they did redo said origin in Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back.
The artwork is fucking amazing. As only Fegredo can offer. You can follow Duncan on his official twitter account.... You can follow Duncan on his official twitter account.... or Smith for that matter. Aside from the professional formalities of whoring those two. Hope they have the decency to send that shit back my way. Especially since Smith stole the whole pigtails gimmick from me when I bumped into him at Wizard World 2005 in Los Angeles and then put it in Clerks 2. I want my two dollars.
Anyways, the story follows, I guess, lovable losers Jay and, his hetero life mate, Silent Bob as they get kicked out of Trish "The Dish's" living room after overstaying their welcome and ruining her interview with some Entertainment Tonight ripoffs.
Right now I am watching Chelsea Handler do standup, and it has me wondering if she really is a slut, like she pretends to be with her routine.
So the two bust down in the television section of an electronics store AND, wait for it..... watch the entire John Hughes library. Lunch Box starts crying and Jay of course probably starts dry humping something. Thing I don't get is the sheer number of bitches who think Jason Mewes is hot. I'm not gay, but I wouldn't fuck him WITH YOUR DICK!
The two get kicked out and then decide to go the Shermer in Illinois to become the resident weed suppliers for the white bread suburb. But hey, everyone has to have a dream, right?
Meanwhile, Suzanne jailbreaks from a train wreck from Provasic labs. Making like Harrison Ford in Fugitive with an incompetent Tommy Lee Jones lookalike chasing after her.
Somehow she runs across the duo and Jay makes his famous "super monkey" speech. But not before the two make it to someplace in Illinois where they hang out in a high school where Anthony Michael Hall and Emilio Estevez somehow haven't aged and are STILL in high school. Here's the twist, they are the chronic connection at that school, and they kick Jay and Lunch Box's asses and toss them in a locker room with a bunch of naked guys.
I can't really capitalize on an endearing moment on this book. Probably cause there really wasn't one. However, I am not saying all stories have to have viable substance or meaning. Cause I am pretty sure most of the comics I've done don't have people rethinking their lives. It's just pure entertainment at the lowest common denominator folks.
But, the art work, all in black and white and the writing mixed together are what make this such a great book. The style is way different from the Clerks comic, but expanding the View Askew universe. I honestly wish Smith put out more comics. And I wish Duncan get more credit for his truly unique style of work.
The time it took me to get back to this book, after probably at least a few years since I last read it was worth it. Since Kevin Smith is known for his dialog and plot I am going to go back to a great heel promo from ECW. Steve Corino, the self proclaimed "King of Old School" came out to the ring to confront the "Human Suplex Machine" Taz in what was a great cowardly heel moment. Corino told Taz that he could beat "the most miserable son of a bitch on the planet" easily. However, just moments before he had injured himself lifting 600, no 800 pounds on the bench press. The whole time, the crowd was chanting, "Taz is gonna kill you!" Since an obviously injured Corino was unable to make a run at the Champ, he brought out a man who could.... Chris Candido.

Zombieland; A Hardcore Review

I forget if I already reviewed this movie. But you know what? It's my MagogDamn Hardcore Review. So I'll re-review it if I fucking want, and or forgot I already did. Now from the opening credits to the final moments with Tallahassee with Twinkee firmly in hand this movie is a winner.
Rules rules rules. We all have some. We follow some sort of dichotomy that we choose to live by, whether it be laws, rules of nature or things we fucking make up as we go along. We all have them, and you know what? Some are meant to be broken. Sometimes.
So Columbus, who is played by the other Michale Cera, Jesse Eisenberg who recently starred in The Social Network with Justin Timberlake, which I won't pay to see.
Cardio
The Double Tap
Seatbelts
Don't be a hero
Check the back seat
Just a few of the many many rules that Columbus lives by. After the zombie apocalypse Columbus who is a shut in, meets up with Tallahassee, played by the enigmatic Woody Harrelson, is an ass kicking guy with an arsenal or really odd weaponry, a love for Dale Earnhardt or at least the number 3 AND an unquenchable thirst for a Twinkee. Tallahassee sets a new standard when it comes to taking out zombies. There's some new fangled ways of taking those undead flesh cravers out. And I couldn't be happier to watch this new artform take shape.
And the fucking dialog is seriously hilarious. Rhett Reese and Paul Wernick are dialog gods on par with Kevin Smith and myself.
Emma Stone is hot, as always, and not completely without her merits in the Zombieland. I mean you would think, hot chick, pretty fucking useless when it comes to battling the undead. And Abigail Breslin has outgrown being the little chubby girl from Little Miss Sunshine, which is another awesome fucking movie and worthy of a Hardcore Review.
Now things get a little complicated when Tallahassee and Columbus meet Wichita and Little Rock (Stone and Breslin). Cause well Columbus is a bitch and all he wants in life is to meet a girl who he can brush her hair past her ear. And as romantic as that sounds, you're a little bitch who's only survived cause he's been lucky. Sure he does cardio and he has a bunch of rules, but let's face it, Columbus isn't the brightest, toughest or brazen individuals in movie history. I am glad that the lead character isn't this bullshit cliche tough as nails ass kicker. I mean even Tallahassee isn't even all that predictable in this flick. Sure he kicks some serious zombie ass, but he's also driven by Twinkees and uh, finding new and improved ways to dispose of the undead. That and his obsession with Bill Murray. The kill scene with Murray is so fucking funny, even Wichita breaks character and starts laughing. The thing I wonder about is if they really shot in Bill Murray's house. That would be an interesting fact.
The whole Wantin' Your Wampum gift shop scene is AWESOME. "Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying you're a wonderful human being..."
The driving scene in the Hummer after the trashing the gift shop where they're just shooting the shit, is classic. "You don't know who Willie Nelson is?..... Willie Nelson?..." "Yeah. No!" C'mon everyone knows who Willie Nelson is. EVERYONE!
I could go on and on and on about every fucking scene in this flick. But then again, it would be too long and boring after while. I mean I consider myself a really good writer, but rehashing every scene in even the greatest movie would get tedious after a bit.
The whole concept of disguising yourself as a zombie to avoid being attacked is fucking cool. And it's been done in Shaun of the Dead, and some comic books, which is a brilliant idea.
Ok, so for the grade. I go with Steve Corino versus Terry Funk in MLW in a barbed wire "I Quit" match. Bloody as you would expect. And just imaging the single toughest sixty year old EVER kicking the shit out of a thirty something for the MLW Heavyweight Championship. It was pretty brutal. And then of course the Extreme Horsemen come out and take out Funk on behalf of Corino. And the match ends without actually anyone actually saying "I quit," but with Funk wrapped up in barbed wire. Blood, sweat and a lot of ass kicking including Funk piledriving Corino through the ringside table. Fucking brilliant. And the best part was Corino offering Funk to simply say he quit before the match even started and walk away. To which Funk grabs the mike and tells Corino the same thing. Sixty years old, two bad knees and fucked up back and still fearless.