Thursday, June 23, 2011

The Crow Wicked Prayer; A Hardcore Review

"Better than the original," and "Greatest goodguy badguy banter this side of a Spider-Man comic," ARE NOT THINGS YOU WILL HEAR IN THIS REVIEW! There is little I enjoy more than destroying something via Hardcore Review. I can use words no one would associate with the project being reviewed. And be as verbose as I want and those of you who read this will salivate like the proverbial Pavlov's dog.
Cause I am fucking honest to a beat down truth. I'm ruthless when it comes to reviewing shit I don't like. And this is gonna be one of those reviews. So, let's get past the greeting and intro and get into the steaming pile of shit that wouldn't be able to fertilize a lawn. Yeah, it's that bad.
First of all to try and sell a movie to potential fans with Edward Furlong, Tara Reid and David "Angel" Boreanaz is your first, second and third mistakes. If it were a felony to cast shitty actors, and it should be, the casting director and director should be in prison without the possibility of parole. I would change my stance on the death penalty for this one folks. There were two possible good points to this utter episiotomy of two hours of my life, Tito "The Huntington Beach Badboy" Ortiz and Danny Trejo, and both were cast to NOT play themselves and fell flat on their faces. Who the fuck casts Danny Trejo to act? Even his cousin doesn't attempt that.
The fact that the hero was five foot nothing and then they tried to spin this whole massive fail of overacting, and tough guy gothitude, not only didn't work, I was actually hoping there was gonna be a repeat of the first movie. No goth is tough. They all sit at home, write shitty poetry in black ink on black notebook paper while listening to either shitty music that makes your ears bleed or 80's (which honestly isn't all bad, but the stuff they stomp dance to sure as fuck is) and cut themselves with their ceremonial fantasy daggers that are laden with crystal balls and dragon handles, they bought online while wearing black vinyl they got at Hot Topic. These people are people I laughed at ten years ago when it was in vogue, and now, I just feel sorry for you that you haven't gone on to the next fad. Especially since most of you haven't bothered to STOP eating or START working out as you've grown ancient.
David Boreanaz as the "satanic biker cult leader," WHEN THERE WASN'T A FUCKING MOTORCYCLE IN THE ENTIRE FUCKING MOVIE! And you gave Tara Reid a speaking role? Who the fuck are you trying to pander to? Cause it wasn't someone who enjoys thinking, or being even remotely entertained.
I've had bowel movements that were more pleasant than listening to the dialog in this piece. I mean to me, James O'Barr is a one hit wonder when it comes to comics, but at least he's had the decency to stay out of the spotlight when he has nothing interesting to say. That guy looked so on edge during his interview on the two disc collector's edition of the original The Crow, that he probably would have strangled his wife and then blown his own head off if he had seen this.
But then, there was the very last possible saving grace, and that was Dennis "PABST BLUE RIBBON" Hopper in one of the final scenes where a Las Vegas style goth Boreanaz shows up to marry Reid's character and all we get is this drivel dialog with Hopper spouting hip hop phrases while conducting the marriage vows. I could barely stomach this, but then again, I already awarded the vaunted Hogan "leg drop" as a grade so, nothing could ever be quite THAT bad. Right?
In terms of this being HARDCORE, here's my take on it. Sid Vicious, when he was Sycho Sid in the WWF, SHITTING HIMSELF during a match with the Undertaker. That's how hardcore this bowel movement was.