Sunday, December 18, 2011

Batman: The Dark Knight 1-4; A Hardcore Review

I was so all about this book when I first heard about it. David Finch does some great
grim and gritty. BUT and this is a big but, Finch is not, and should never be let to write another comic book story EVER! There are numerous plot holes, and just the build to finding out it was Clayface in the end of the third issue was a let down in my mind. And even the artwork was not something I really liked. For some reason it seemed to fall flat.

And in the New 52 there are a lot of things to like, but the fuck load of Batman titles is not one of them. I mean, c'mon build the foundation before you start putting up the windows and plumbing. Seriously. This really felt like it started in the middle of some story. And it was a story, I didn't get hyped about while reading, and am going to have taken off my pull list. I always say you can't really judge the comic without reading at least the first arc. Well I did, and it let me down big time. The only bigger let down, but was totally expected was Jim Lee not cutting it either. I think he should seriously be relegated to covers, and pinups and be contractually obligated to finishing a project before he gets paid. From what my dealer told me, that's pretty much what Finch was made to do, cause he had been fucking up big time while he wrote and drew his projects. They "saddled" him with the co-writer, which he honestly needs. There are a ton of artists who think they can write, and they just don't have the ability to make the characters relatable or even likable. I mean there's nothing wrong with that, unless you try and sell yourself as a writer, and you're not. That works if you're Bill O'Reilly or Newt Gingrich and you have a million zealot followers who are as stupid as you are. But not in comics folks. And it's fair for someone to say, "what have you ever done?" Well, that makes sense. I write and draw Youth in Asia, and I drew, or directed the screen play written by Venus of Necro of Fuzzyface. But back to the review, it just didn't sit well with me. It felt a lot like an early Image comic, all flash and absolutely nothing really to be in love with. If you remember the early Image stuff, it had this great artwork (for the time) and some really lackluster writing. There were a few exceptions to that.
The artwork peaked at times, but the huge hulking Two-Face who wanted to be called One Face should have been a giveaway, although it didn't. Plus the 'roided out Joker was a bit much. Joker and Two Face have always been psychological characters and not physical threats. And then you ad the White Rabbit to the mix, which reeks of The Mad Hatter, but will probably be what the wrestling industry calls a swerve. Then there was the truly unspectacular detective work of the Batman. He wasn't cerebral at the least, but seemed to be fine just bashing the shit out of whoever was in front of him. And maybe that's just me, but this seriously felt like nothing I would ever want to see in a Batman movie. Especially if Christian Bale is growling the dialog from this piece. And I shall leave it at that. Without ripping it's asshole completely open. The benefit to that is no straining when you have to poop.

Some of you may be reading this for the first time, so here goes. I grade my reviews based on moments in wrestling history. The more hardcore the moment, the more I liked it. The more old school refs to Hulk Hogan or Sid Vicious (pre 90's) probably means this is a joke and should not be taken seriously only if you also like Twilight and stupid shit like that. And the grade this gets is seriously fitting, but helped spawn a new promotion after he helped doom WCW. Batman: The Dark Knight gets, Jeff Jarrett breaking one thousand balsa wood guitars on the heads of one thousand other wrestlers, and it never raised the eyebrow of a fan. It was never extreme. It never got Jarrett the millions he felt he deserved or the respect of the fans. And god, I hope, never got him respect of the fans either. Take that Slap Nuts!

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

In this instalment of The Hardcore Review I will be taking on the first 4 issues of Red Lanterns of DC's The New 52, and I am NOT DRUNK. "How is that fucking possible?" you ask. Well, I'm writing this at work, and I am pretty sure this would be frowned upon. Kind of like masturbating on an airplane. Thanks a lot Bin Laden!
In my mind possibly the sleeper hit of the relaunch (and as we know I am never wrong), Red Lanterns, with the creative team of writer Peter Milligan and art by Ed Benes KICK SOME EISNER DAMN ASS! Benes is famous for his work on Gen 13 and his tour of Birds of Prey which was written by Gail Simone. My first exposure to Milligan was "Girl" back in the mid 90's from Vertigo/Veritie along with equally British artist Duncan Fegredo. Milligan would later go on to write at least one mini series of Tank Girl. The Red Lanterns were no doubt the most popular corps in the Blackest Night storyline from last year. They also inspired in the first series of Blackest Night figures, an Atrocitus that immediately drew large money in the secondary market. In fact, I had one on order from my dealer Charlie Harris, who graciously kept the figure for me, in spite of myself not coming into the shop for some time. Charlie even told me that it was the last Atrocitus in the shop and he had been offered $50 for it. I told him, I would not have begrudged him if had sold it for that size of a profit. But Atrocitus proudly hangs on my wall, along with Earth 2 Superman, Red Lantern Mera with Dex Starr and Yellow Lantern Arkillo. The Blackest Night series of figures IS some of the most detailed and best looking figures I have seen. But I digest, onto the book.
The artwork is gracious, although somewhat sparse at times. It reminds me of early Image art, with the lack of backgrounds in quite a few of the panels. And at some points it feels that some poses and faces are a bit rushed. But there is an amazing amount of detail in each of the characters. And Benes does a great job differntiating the emotions characters express as their non rage filled earlier selves (such as Bleez and Skallox). But Milligan's word smithing is nothing short of amazing. His choice of vocabulary has me transfixed in ways I have not felt in some time. Books that are this well crafted are the reason I love this industry. DC did an amazing job of employing some of the best teams to make sure the relaunch was successful. I have heard from one or two people who claim Red Lanterns will probably be the first of the New 52 cancelled. I don't see how it could, as it's on time (Jim Lee) and Milligan and Benes are probably the best creative team of the relaunch. Atrocitus commands the Red Lantern Corps, all while holding constant conversations with a dead Krona the dirty bastar who killed all of Atrocitus' people (whatever fucking species they're supposed to be). For some reason, Atrocitus feels at peace talking with the corpse of his nemesis. Atrocitus has become a new type of vengeance that is not a green cape wearing ghost nor a flame headed motorcycle riding asshole portrayed by Nic (Copolla) Cage in an shitty movie that getting a fucking sequel. Good call Hollywood! He feeds on the rage felt by others, and acts upon it accordingly. By the second issue, Atrocitus has waged war on the universe and it's inhabitants for their destructive ways. For some strange reason, most of these attacks take place on Earth (the fuck you say).
In issue 3 Atrocitus (fuck I wish I had alternate names to call him) feels he needs a second in command to help keep the motley and ill tempered group in line. He choses Bleez, who's origin is revealed as Atrocitus throws her into the Blood Ocean. The Blood Ocean inhances her intellect but during this, Bleez is forced to relive her beginings and tortured past. She survives, but as she reveals, just barely. Atrocitus and Bleez visit her assailants and deliver rage filled punishment upon the two who claimed to be victims of Bleez's beauty. The two claimed they had no choice in their efforts to have her killed. For some reason they weren't white (c'mon it makes sense if you think about it).

After helping Bleez gain vengeance on her "suitors" (read the story), Atrocitus gives chase to Skallox. Skallox is present during a potential coup meeting held by Bleez, and Atrocitus begins to get paranoid. Unable to make sense of the mashed potatoes that make up Skallox's rage filled mind, Atrocitus tosses the horned Red Lantern into the Blood Ocean. Here we witness Skallox's origin, which I can only assume will continue into issue 5. Finishing the issue has me salivating for the next. It also has me wishing DC did the blank sketch-able variants the Marvel is doing. I not only love the Red Lanterns, but a plethora of DC characters as well.
The grade for this series, is the construct known as The Gangstas. Originally from Smokey Mountain Wrestling, New Jack and Mustafa moved to ECW in 1995, and began destroying tag teams. The combination of Mustafa's power and more technical skills, and New Jack's insane penchant for violence, his ability on the mic and willingness to "dive" from any height (as long as he got paid), made The Gangstas a force that battled with every tag team from the Public Enemy, The Eliminators all the way to the Dudley's. Getting color with almost every single match the wrestled in ECW this one was one of the worst, or best depending on how you think. "The Mass Transit Incident" (which almost made sure the 1997 pay per view Barley Legal didn't happen) involved a minor named Eric Kulas who doctored his papers to be able to wrestle in the place of Axl Rotten who wasn't able to make the event. A lot of wrestlers in the locker room state that Kulas, who was billed as Mass Transit, who not one one mother fucker had heard of, was telling The Gangstas who he was going to be in the match. Later, according to New Jack, Kulas asked him to blade him, as he did not know how. This fucking kid was stupid as he was fat (you'll find out why it's in past tense). During the match, Jack took his trusty instument, which he said was a surgical scalpel fixed to a thin piece of wood, and cut Mass Transit all the way across the forehead, causing Kulas to bleed profusely and have his father sue ECW. According to Kid Kash, Jack and Mustafa had to split right after. Jack was acquited of all charges. This was possibly due to the *fact* (according to New Jack) that Paul Heyman testified at his trial that Kulas had called Jerome "New Jack" Young, "nigger." And I didn't make any of that shit up.

Jingle Belle Gift Wrapped; A Hardcore Review

In the latest one shot installment of Paul Dini's series about Santa's rebellious teenage daughter, her old Uncle Krampus, the imp who punishes the naughty children has become disillusioned with how Claus is running shit now. Apparently, all the little children of the world, who are no doubt all white just as this book claims, are all just passed off as nice and get presents from the jolly fat man. Holy Christmas it's just like America's public school system... NOBODY EVER FAILS! We just bump the little 'tards up to a 61% for effort and viola YOU PASS! That's a total lie, not all children in America's public school system are white. But while Krampus is pissed, Jingle or Jing to her witch friend has straight up had it. "But why?" you ask. That's a good fuckin' question. And since I have read the book, I am just the pigtailed munkey to answer that....
You see, after reliving the glory days of yore, when he was tag teaming with Kris (I think that's how you spell his name), Mrs. Claus, who is insanely hot for a very cartoonish character who is no doubt eons old, calls. For the only thing Krampus is qualified to do, settle a dispute. In this corner, weighing in at whatever the hell it said on the scale this morning. He is, Eisner knows how old and he stands shorter than he is wide...... the only man that's qualified to break into all your homes, steal food and leave sweat shop built gifts for you and you won't sue (cause he's white)....... SANTA CLAUS! And in this corner, probably up to no good while she's escaped from the frigid north (and not a "turkey's done" joke to be found). The bleached blond, pixie cut nymph...... JINGLE BELLE! Somebody's lying in this book and you guessed it, it's the old white guy who's never been wrong and apparently been called a saint. So, a while back, like almost last year, Jingle created a new doll for the now crowd of misanthrope, skinny jeans, striped shirt and scarf wearing, I stole a bunch of money from mom's purse to be able to afford this bottle of hair dye, and I hang out at ironically hip coffee houses with my friends and write shitty poetry as I stare at my boyfriend who's dressed just like me but wearing fake horn rimmed glassed that cost more than his P.O.S car. Seriously, it was a Bratz doll with attitude. Doesn't the Bratz doll already have attitude. I mean she was modeled after my Chicana raza mujeres. Ok, so old Santa, tells Jingle (god that's a great title but a fucking stupid name for a person) that the world isn't ready for this kind of toy.
I would just like to point out that while I write this review I am downing cans of Pabst Blue Ribbons and listening to SModcast episode 135: "Mos Chuisle").
So they call the evil goat guy to settle stuff. And he does by grounding them both. And now you don't need to read this book. You know unless you want to see the three panels of Jingle Belle in a striped bikini. The art is a lot of fun. And the writing is clever, at points. But this is nothing to write home about. I mean the bikini panels would have been so much better if when Claus yanks Jing from the sandy beach she was wearing a thong and he had given her a X Mas wedgie, but I mean that's just me and probably why I won't ever get to write or draw a mainstream comic unless someone is standing over me with a shotgun. But it would put asses in the seats.
So for this moment, I pick a moment, that's not really hardcore, but may have been shocking to some. The year was 1999. The promotion was ECW. And it pains me to say there was something in ECW that wasn't hardcore, but there were some, here and there. It was the PPV Guilty as Charged, and former heel referee Jeff Jones came out the ring wearing a judge's robe. With him in the middle of the ring stood, possibly the craziest mother fucker ever to wrestle in ECW, Kronus (formerly of the Eliminators with Perry Saturn). "Judge" Jeff Jones finds Kronus guilty of, fuck if I know... but he points his gavel (yeah he's carrying around a gavel, and not even a hilarious over sized gavel) towards the entrance way and out comes.... SID! As in Sid Vicous. As in Sid Justice. As in Sycho Sid!... and what happens when a near seven foot tall, greased up man with a combination Jew 'fro/mullet enters the ring? He powerbombs the shit out of everyone! And I do mean everyone... I mean yeah, monster enters the ring and destroys everyone. I get it. But seriously.... Sid Eudy? Seriously? The guy's almost older than Hogan and he's already made the grade for a previous review when he tried missle drop kicking Scott Steiner and broke his fucking leg! Or the time he made the review for his amazingly "realistic" punches. The guy does one thing right in his whole career, and it's possibly the lamest Goldberg ripoff angle in all of wrestling. Sorry Paul Heyman, but this time, Sid ain't "the man."

Monday, December 5, 2011

The Muppets; A Hardcore Review *SPOILERS*

I went to the movie theatre tonight for the first time in almost TWO YEARS. The last flick I saw was Avatar in 3D with my cousin, Jackie. But this time, there was a massive trip down memory lane. And complete with my trusty hetero lifemate and sidekick, Agnew Pennyworth, and my friend Dez and a couple of Target purchased bottled sodas, I bared witness to the brand new The Muppet Movie. Like all the previous Muppet movies in the franchise that now spans four decades, this one was loaded with celebrity cameos. Jack Black, Sarah Silverman, Selina Gomez, Whoopi Goldberg, Ken Jeong, Bill Cobbs, Alan Arkin, Neil Patrick Harris, former child star Mickey Rooney and Dave Grohl all made appearances. While sweetheart Amy Adams co-stars and personal friend of Seth Rogen, Jason Segal wrote and starred in this movie, which keeps in continuity. But unlike so many other movie franchises that are being rebooted, The Muppets I can proudly say, was not. But that is not quite where the movie starts. Brothers, Gary and Walter have grown up together. But as Gary got taller, Walter stayed the same size. Cause, Walter is a puppet. The thing the brothers have in common is their love for one another and their willingness to make each other happy. But as kids the duo rent a tape one night. A tape featuring the most beloved puppets of all time. And Walter falls in love with The Muppets. I mean who wouldn't. After years together and ten years of dating Mary, Gary decides to go to Los Angeles with his best girl and his best buddy and brother, Walter. All Walter sees is the opportunity to go to Muppet Studios. And here our story begins. The Muppets it seems, have been disbanded or broken up as it were, for some time. I just realized while writing this review that I have crushed three Pabst Blue Ribbons and not yet said a bad word. Well, while I can't change the former, unless I simply drink MORE, I resolve to change the latter. While visiting Muppet Studios, Walter breaks into Kermits Office and overhears the plot of rich oil tycoon Tex Richman to buy the property and level it, so he can drill for oil. However there is one small hitch to his plan. If the Muppets come up with ten million dollars in the next two weeks, then they can buy the rights back and save Muppets Studios.
This whole story reminds me a lot of The Muppets Take Manhattan in the sense that it's a reunion of sorts. And I loved every minute of this flick. I laughed until my cheeks hurt. It was that funny. I mean the whole reunion portion was done especially well. Kermit, fired up from a pep talk from Walter, Gary and Mary seek out the remainder of the Muppets. And there's a fuck load of them. With the help of 80's Robot, and his offering of Tab, "New" Coke and his dial up modem access information as the where-abouts of the rest of the cast. And as Mary states, if Kermit hadn't decided to crusade, "this is gonna be a really short movie." The first locates Fozzie who is stuck in Reno as front man for "The Moopets," complete with insane, probably drugged out, foul mouthed fake versions of the real deal. The next one to be found is Gonzo, who, along with Camilla is running an extremely successful, correction, the most successful plumbing business in the heart of "the Rust Belt." And for some reason, after being told "it's okay to follow his heart" from Camilla, Gonzo blows up the warehouse. The rest of the search is rendered via MONTAGE! I honestly don't want to reveal too much. Although even if I posted the whole fucking script, I know you would go and see it. Fifteen minutes from the end I knew I figured out the end of the movie as I noticed some possible points during the flick. But, happily I was proven wrong. Although not totally. And this movie delivered.
The Muppets was completely fucking worthy of being the first movie I've seen in theatres since January 2010. This movie made me so glad that I did Fuzzyface. And it made me shed tears when watching a movie for the first time since the last time I saw Armageddon. Don't judge me! Because it made me realize how important having a dream really is. I think too many people just give up on their dreams when they grow up. While, to paraphrase Gary, "growing up is not about believing in others. It's about believing in yourself." (Beer #5!) It's interesting how I get inspired. And this time, all it took was a bolt of fabric with a whole lot of personalities. See, everything you ever needed to know about growing up, you no doubt learned while watching something involving the Muppets. There are few people I give the label, "God" to. And as I have stated before, Jim Henson is one of them. And although, The Henson Workshop has since sold the Muppets to Disney, it still had the same ideals and message. And in this time of thanks, I am thankful for the Muppets. I really am. They have helped light a fire of inspiration under my ass. And as anyone who knows me knows, I consider the work that was partially based on my love for The Muppets, Fuzzyface was my greatest work thus far, it should not stand to discussion that The Muppets have become my muse for the long road ahead to bring YiA6 or Youth in Asia volume 2 as it were into my sights. It's gonna happen. Cause it has to happen.
I thought about the grade for this amazing venture. I thought that a comedy wrestling match might be just the thing that would fit. And it might have been, if not for something that poked up its blond head during that comedy match. The all time greatest wrestling entrance of ALL TIME! Whether it be during a match where someone was getting the shit kicked out of them, or whether it was a scheduled matchup. The best entrance in the business, which in and of itself made me start smoking again and always makes me smile when I shotgun a can of beer. Those guitar chords hitting and the crowd completely coming unglued, as (no matter how much I hate them on a personal level) Metallica's Enter Sandman blared through the P.A. system. The crowd looking around to finally see him. And finally, after maybe 30 seconds, the arm rose and the Kendo stick appeared. And the crowd, which was already unglued, fell to fucking pieces. The Sandman, although not a polished wrestler, and not billed as a wrestler at all, has and always will elicit a reaction EVERY fucking time I hear that song.

Friday, November 25, 2011

Captain America: A Hardcore Review

Today I review the star spangled pretty boy Captain America. Kind of interesting, that America decided to fight the Nazis with a poster boy for the Aryan Nation. Even more interesting is that Nazis are fucking morons. Cause well, look at fucking the definition of Aryans as a race.
So this flick I rented via Redbox on Bluray last night. And Redbox is so nice that it warns you that you are about rent a Bluray that will not play in a standard dvd player.
Captain America starts off with a really sweet scene in the present. And I'm sitting telling my friend Chankla that, "dude, they're gonna find Cap frozen in an ice cube." Then, we jump back to the early 1940's where a young Steven Rogers, all of 98 pounds gets a 4F rating for joining the Army four times after lying on his paperwork. The cool thing was that the whole series of time it's Chris Evans all CGI'd to look all wimpy and tiny. But then when he emerges from the Super Soldier chamber, he looks like a fucking 12 inch GI Joe doll. It just seemed really odd to me, especially the whole really lame romantic tryst between Agent Peggy Carter and Steve. It felt forced, but she was pretty effing hot. I dig that 40's 50's pinup model look. But add some tattoos. Anyways, the movie had a lot of fucking cheese to it. But then again, we're talking about a guy who dresses up in red, white and blue. That's pretty fucking lame in appearance. I can't believe how stupid comic book characters look in movies when they look pretty cool in print. It struck me years ago when I saw a scene from the 1989 Batman movie where Batman and Vicki Vale are running through the city, it just looks really stupid. But this flick had great action, although the portions shot specifically for 3D were really ultra cheese. I wish Hollywood would knock off the 3D gimmick. And for all of you assholes who were dumb enough to purchase a 3D flatscreen and a 3D Bluray player are gonna be so sorry when that shit breaks and you're stuck with a fucking television that has a really warped looking picture. "Who's stupid now ya dirty sheep fucker?!"
So, the action was pretty well choreographed, but there were points that looked extremely cheesey. I did however love the nod to Cap's original costume and shield with the war bonds getup. I think if we re-edit that scene with "America Fuck Yeah," from the Team America movie. In fact. pretty much this entire flick was a propaganda piece. Especially while we're again at war for some fucking stupid reason that doesn't involve our freedom being trounced. Cause then our military would be sitting out front of the Capitol building in Washington DC and they be under heavy mortar fire.
I dug the issuing of the new shield and the explanation of the Vibranium. I really dug the whole technology angle with Howard Stark. His armor and everything. It just looks so lame with the coloration on screen. It's one of those things I really don't think works in a real life type event. But that's also what makes the comics so special and fun to read.
The super high points of Captain America was seeing Dum Dum Dugan and how awesome Red Skull looked. Hugo Weaving is one of my favorite actors. Cause anyone who can be behind a mask for an entire movie, and still make for a compelling character is a stellar actor. I loved the end scene where the try and ease Cap into the 21st century. That was great. I really liked a lot when it comes to Captain America, although I've never been a reader or collector of Captain America comics. I just don't really like his as a character. And I totally empathize with the idea that there is no way the American government would ever test on a white soldier before testing on a black soldier like in Captain America The Truth or Red White and Black, whatever the fuck that mini series was called. But overall I would say it was just a lead in to the Avengers movie for next year. And anyone who would put this on their top movie list is a fucking idiot. It basically was just a movie made to have like 8 different Captain America action figures. It was a merchandising attempt and nothing more.
In doing so, I give this flick a grade it deserves, a match that has been added to two dvd comps for WWE. Bet Ladder Matches and Essential Starcade. And didn't deserve to be on either. It had so many missed spots and a really fucking lame ending. From the final Starcade in 2000, the three way tag team ladder match that had the winner being the single man, not team, who climbed the ladder and grabbed the contract for a Cruiserweight Championship match the following night on Nitro. Of course WCW had slipped so far off the deep end that I guess this match was supposed to be epic in scope, but pailed in comparison to the three way tag team ladder matches in the WWE that were being put together by the Hardy's, the Dudley's and Edge and Christian. 3 Count versus the Jung Dragons versus Karagias and Knoble was a trainwreck of a match. Missed spots. A really fucking lame ending where both members of 3 Count grabbed the contract at the same time. Plus the garish big lime green baggy pants 3 Count wrestled in were icing on the cake. I mean the announcing even sucked, as there was no Bobby The Brain Henan. But at least there was lovely little Kimona Wannalaya, as Leia Meow.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Batman Year One dvd; A Hardcore Review

Wow. When I watched this, I was all psyched and motivated to let loose on one of Frank Miller's finest works. But mere days later, I'd sooner not piss on Miller were he on fire and I had just drunk a shit load of Pabst Blue Ribbon. Why'd Miller have to open his fucking mouth? Hello! Mr. "Comics are Renegade." You ain't so renegade now are ya. You joined that mighty 1% when you sold your soul and Will Eisner's legacy with that fucking horrible Spirit movie attempt. I would just call it a movie, but c'mon, let's be honest, it really wasn't. And for those of us who saw it, we sure as fuck can't UNSEE it. You who shit all over Brian Azzarello's Eisner Award acceptance speech cause he said, "fuck," in front of the venerable Mr. Eisner. A man like you, who's spent years shocking people with blood and guts, over the top violence and rampant sexism is offended when people begin taking to the streets in protest of what Corporate America is doing to Americans. You who say you're renegade, but you're scared of people voicing their disdain with corporate greed. and you call them, "louts, theives and rapists?" How so Frank. And I assume I can call you Frank cause well, I refuse to show you any sort of respect by calling you Mr. Douchebag. It's just like how America was founded Frank, you know, except without all that pesky, slavery and genocide. Well, onto the review I guess, I'll try and remain impartial here folks, but I am an artist and you know how off kiltered and emotional, louts we can be. busy thieving and raping our way up the food chain.
So, this is the modernization of the Batman. Taking him from the Golden Age of the 1940's to the much grimmer and more realistic 1980's. Jim Gordon, has transferred to Gotham City as their newest lieutenant. Meanwhile, Bruce Wayne has returned after a more than decade long self imposed exile. Planning on avenging the murder of his parents by taking on every badguy in Gotham, Wayne has everything he needs, technique, drive, money and motive. Everything that is, except the one thing he really needs.
Gordon spends his first days of the story babying his pregnant wife, and getting to know the "ins and outs" of being a cop in Gotham. And that entails finding out most of the payroll of Gotham City's finest is also on the payroll of some of Gotham City's worst and getting the shit kicked out of him, with baseball bats by said finest. Wayne spends his first few days back, getting the shit kicked out of him by some of Gotham City's not so finest citizens. Then, he sits in a big comfy chair and decides if he should ring the bell to summon his man servant, Alfred to sew up his wounds. All the while, he's talking to his dead father about what real strength is. And just then when he can't take it anymore, wouldn't you know it, a fucking bat flies through the window and sits on his father's head. Or at least the head of the bust of his father.
So I guess, even in a blood loss induced state, ol' Brucie was able to grasp the concept that nothing produces fear, like the threat of rabies. Or maybe it was sparkly vampires, I don't fucking know. Anyhow, this fucking movie rocked. Why the fuck was it in the kid's section at Target? Cause today's kids are so much more mature than you were when you were a tyke. But then again, when I was a kid, I used a little thing called my imagination, played outside a lot and oh yeah there were less obese children too. Shut your face fatty this is my review and I'll make fun of whoever the fuck I want. I already made fun of the middle aged white guy who's obviously wound a bit too tight.
I didn't go with the two disk dvd set of this flick, cause it included 2 or 3 Batman cartoons that were hosted by Bruce Timm. I no doubt already own those 2 or 3 cartoons, and have no doubt seen them about a hundred times before.
But this flick was a lot of fun. It wasn't panel for panel the Year One of old, but it was fucking nice. The design, tone of the flick really matched Mazuchelli's art from the book. The voice casting was great. I didn't mind that Kevin Conroy wasn't cast as Batman/Bruce Wayne cause it was fucking Year One and it wasn't quite time for the gravel voice, but past time for Christian Bale's guttural growl of, "What the fuck did you just say?" No, this was the perfect mix with Bryan Cranston's semi cranky Jim Gordon, Eliza Dushku's sexified Catwoman, and the veteran Jon Polito as Commissioner Loeb, with Ben McKenzie as Bruce Wayne/Batman. It made sense in a lot of different ways.
Gordon begins his meteoric climb towards becoming Commissioner, while Bruce dawns the cape and cowl, gets a television smashed over his head all in the process of honing his craft. The fight sequences were amazingly rendered, and had that quasi-retro feel to it. The color palette was spot on. The thing I did not care for, is the merging of 2D and 3D animation. I know it's easier at times with certain things, like vehicles, city scapes, but to me it takes away from the pure feel of the experience. Especially when it's a retro type flick. I mean if it was Green Lantern, I'd be all for it. But an 80's Batman cartoon, c'mon. You know it's gonna be the biggest DC cartoon feature released this year. You're gonna make your money back. Oh and stop farming your "in-betweens" to fucking Korea. Keep it here in the states. I swear, this is why Occupy Wallstreet is going on. There's tons of AMERICAN animators looking for work. Especially since that fucker Michael Eisner shut down Disney's 2D feature studios down a few years back. Although, with The Princess and the Frog, I guess they started it back up. But, direct to video super hero projects are becoming in vogue and very kitchie. We're all the 99% here Warner Brothers.
Honestly I'm really glad DC made this edgy cartoon movie. DC's cartoon features have been super successful in my opinion. Great direction, superb casting and some of the best mother fucking story writing and adaptions I have witnessed. With DC moving in this direction, it gives me confidence that they will eventually be able to adapt The Dark Knight Returns into an animated feature, not unlike they did for the short in BTAS, Legends of the Dark Knight. And again, as much as I love Kevin Conroy as the one true voice of Batman, the casting in that short of Michael Ironside as an aging Dark Knight was nothing short of perfect. Here's hoping DC.

I'm not gonna tell you how I fucking grade my Hardcore Reviews. The fucking grade should give you that inkling. That and the fact that I cuss a lot. But this comes from an early episode of Eastern Championship Wrestling on Sports Channel Philadelphia, or ECW Hardcore TV. A young JT Smith fought the The Dark Patriot, secretly the brother of "Hot Stuff" Eddie Gilbert, and member of Hot Stuff International and the newly reformed Dangerous Alliance. The match itself wasn't really anything special, but the end of it was fucking HARDCORE. The Dark Patriot and Smith fought up to the "eagle's nest" above the ECW Arena, where with a few powerful punches Smith is sent over the side, tumbling 15 feet to the cold arena floor.

Comics: The Three Stooges; A Hardcore Review

It's tough to write a conclusive comic book story arc in six issues. So I can't imagine how difficult it must be to capture the life of a comedic legend, who's career spanned decades in just 24 pages, let alone FIVE. But that's what this book and it's creative team managed to do. And I know what you're thinking, "it says Three Stooges, not five." And you are so right, and wrong at the same time. Today the Hardcore Review is tackling three (five) lummoxes that were a comedy dynamo, Bluewater's Comics: The Three Stooges, which is the third issue of the Comics biographical series written by Jaymes Reed and drawn by issue one's Apriyadi Kusbiantoro. And recently, I have become a fan of the art of the documentary.
Reed again somehow does what might seem the impossible, to make people care about our history. And in a day and time when it's so fucking relevant to know about our past, we as a species, called Americans, seem to fall ever short. When we have a former comic book god like Frank Miller, bashing the Occupy Wallstreet movement, and even the Republican party silently gagging everytime Mitt Romney hits their tax payer funded flat screen televisions, we need to remember what it was to laugh. And I remember, like all of you, busting my sister on the head with a ferris wheel fist, or torquing someone's nose with a pair of pliers, that there was a comedy troupe that preceeded Kids in the Hall and Saturday Night Live. History my friends. And I am happy to report that I learned something. I know, learned something from comics. The fuck did I learn from comics other than Miller's illustrious word smitherie of, "I'm the goddamn Batman?" But I did. I found out a few things actually. First is Curly was NOT an original Three Stooge. That was Shemp. And another fancy tidbit, Shemp, Curly and Moe were brothers.
There was like only 2 word balloons in the entire book. Which, much like issue one about George Carlin was really not all that funny. The Stooges were born at the turn of the twentieth century. And it wasn't until after the Great Depression where they made their mark on not just the comedy world, but the entertainment world at large. And before when I said there were actually five Three Stooges, there were factually six, although Joe Besser, who was only known on screen as "Joe" was a very short lived career as a Stooge.
You know, the only complaint I think I even have about this book would be, I think I might have liked it even better in black and white. But that's only cause that's how I remember the Three Stooges. Well that and a better grad on my Reid Park Zoo project in design school. I did a Three Stooges parody piece that paraded the "Three Simians," with three different types of apes, with the classic Moe, Larry and Curly haircuts. Complete with the old school Three Stooges font and everything. But that's got nothing to do with Reed and Kusbiantoro's fine work here.
As some of you may know, and I'm seriously getting kinda fucking tired of reminding you, I don't review like some fat schlub from Chicago, or some pansy assed douchebag from some gossip rag piece of shit that spawned John Tesh. I don't even used a letter system, you know, like most of you got in remedial English. According to a friend, I am using "the lowest common denominator," but then again, according to me, I hate KISS and all they stand for. So here I go with my grade. The moment was something, nobody was ready for, and got somebody in a lot of trouble with his boss. In 1994, Mick Foley as Cactus Jack wrestled for WCW. When they established a shortlived relationship with the upstart ECW, Cactus wrestled Sabu in a dream match. Cactus lost, but not without delivering one of the most violent sounding chair shots I've ever heard, with a plastic fucking chair. And then afterward, Cactus delivered one of his most poignant promos ever, when he spit on the WCW World Tag Team title belt. This pissed off his boss, WOOOOOO, the man who would later call Foley nothing more than "a glorified stuntman," Ric Flair.

Friday, November 4, 2011

Strange dream

Today I had a dream I took a road trip with one of my oldest friends, Crystal. For some reason we went to her father and grandfather who lived in a swamp in a makeshift home that was essentially a couple of small campers and rv's duct taped together.
For some odd reason I was wearing very large hiking/work boots and I wasn't able to hold them up, they were so heavy, as I dangled my legs over their living room sized deep fryer (possibly for the critters they were catching). Crystal's grandpa said he was going to the store and asked if I wanted something to drink. I said, "sure. how about a PBR, please?" He retorted by saying I needn't ask for something so inexpensive, and that in "this area Jeremiah Weed was the good stuff." I said, sure that's fine, and off he went. I don't remember much about the rest of that part of the dream, but then it got really weird. We went hunting, as was the point of the trip to see Crystal's family. It was really crazy. There was like a store where you went hunting. They had a miniature game preserve stocked with wild boar and pot bellied pigs. And they had a stock pile of guns. And I mean stock pile. Not being a hunter, and having never killed anything more than insects and spiders, I really didn't want to hunt. But they had an option for that. A ping pong ball rifle. So, I waded around this miniature, and I mean miniature, like as in Mini Golf, preserve shooting at pigs with my ping pong ball rifle. But even though it was loaded with ping pong balls, it shot paint balls. And for some reason the pigs would just stop and let me shoot them. Oh, yeah, there were chickens too.
After "hunting" I got these game codes that were good for prizes at the X-Box setup in the mall, and suddenly I was there attempting to pick out my goodies, except the fucking counter was closed down.
Fucking weird.

Showcase Presents Booster Gold vol. 1; A Hardcore Review

What the fuck can I say about this mother fucker? 80's cheese? sure. But with some great writing and sweet art. Booster Gold is Michael Carter from the 25th Century. A former All-Everything quarterback for Gotham University, Booster had it all, potentially. But Booster lived most of his life in poverty, as his father had gambled away the family's life savings and then left afterward. Carter's mom and sister were all he had, and they lived in the ghetto. His only way out, make the big time through professional football. And he would have, if he could have just waited till he left school for the pros. But Michael's mother's health was failing, and without an operation, a very costly operation done in zero gravity, she was a goner. So Booster took on with the organized crime racket and started shaving points. He vowed never to throw a game, just make things work for those guys with crooked noses. And he got busted. Guess what kids, crime doesn't pay. Unless you're an "elected" official. Cause, then it pays up the ass. Thrown out of school and his professional status pretty much less than zero, Carter left home and took up a menial job as a night watchman of the Metropolis History Museum. With security bot, Skeets at his side, Booster recognized and incredible opportunity, steal some relics and travel back in time to become a super hero. A super hero with mega endorsement deals and movie contracts. He reprogrammed Skeets and did the deed.
Showcase Presents Booster Gold volume one is over 600 pages of "are you fucking kidding me?" But it's awesome. It didn't come highly recommended by my comic book dealer, as he reads everything that isn't television or movie related that comes into his shop (he did speak highly of Ambush Bug volume 1 though), but I decided to take a chance. I mean 600 plus pages for under twenty bucks is pretty fucking sweet. Especially if I enjoy the fuck out of it. AND I DID! For the most part Booster Gold was written with pencils by Dan "The Death of Superman" Jurgens and mostly having been inked by Mike DeCarlo, this tomb was amazing. So much better than volume one of Showcase Presents Green Lantern. Probably because it took place in the seriously fucked up 1980's instead of the seriously whacked out 1950's where every woman was supposed to be June Fucking Cleaver, but for some reason had a hardon for being married, even when they were an heiress to a multi-million dollar aircraft company (stupid bitch). i had fun the whole way through this ride. Jurgens knows how to craft a compelling story about an extremely vapid and superficial character. And some of the plot twists... totally fucked up.
The best part of the book had to be, straight man Skeets. Providing his knowledge of the verbal vernacular of the times to the woahfully wordless-smith Gold was hilarious. Correcting all of his misuses of 80's slang was hilarious. And it seriously rocked cause in my head I was hearing the voice of Skeets from the Justice League Unlimited cartoon who was voiced by Billy West (Futurama) while I read. And even though I was not reading comics in the 80's, this book definitely encompassed the idea of the 80's. Especially if you compare it to Brett Easton Ellis' American Psycho. There was a lot of materialism involved. Money grubbing and fame seeking, Booster Gold provided laughs, cheers, boos and even some sympathy along the way. His story reads like that of so many inner city youth who's only possible escape from poverty are sports, or illegal means. And in Gold's case, it turned out to be a little of both.
Booster Gold volume one had guest stars galore. The Legion of Superheroes made an appearance as Booster Gold tried to save the president from an assassination attempt. The Teen Titans, or at least Donna Troy showed up for like one fucking panel. Batman, Robin, Superman and the mid 80's incarnation of the Justice League showed up, which included Martian Manhunter, Blue Beetle, Rocket Red, a seriously 80's version of Black Canary and Guy Gardner, with amnesia. But it could have not had any of these other characters, and just included perrenial mort, Rainbow Raider, which was an awesome story by the way and an android Booster, which wouldn't have worked without Superman, and the Dimension X crew.
Honestly I do not know what the fuck I was expecting from this book, but I got more than I bargained for and I now include Booster Gold and Skeets among my favorite characters. Gold sought to be a super hero for all the wrong reasons, fame and money. But he ended up being a super hero none the less. With that, I give Showcase Presents Booster Gold volume 1 a train wreck of a debut as its grade; as it also included his first appearance and origin stories. In 1993, in ECW a wrestler debuted who was so unorthodox that the wrestling world was forever changed. "The most homicidal, suicidal, genocidal maniac known to man" appeared in the ECW Arena. Bound to a dolly with a chain, with his mouth covered like Hannibal Lecter, Sabu emerged. Throwing chairs and attacking fans, the man who was considered revolutionary among his peers, but never saw the coin he deserved, made his mark on American soil. Sabu went head to head with the relatively new wrestler, The Tazmaniac (Taz) in a match that saw slingshot leg drops, suicide dive planchas and Asai Moonsaults. In his ECW debut, under the guidance of manager hunter Q. Robins III and with his handler, 911, Sabu defeated Taz, the man he would eventually win the ECW tag team titles with, and main even the very first ECW pay per view against. "The human highlight reel of professional wrestling," and whirling dervish of the squared circle cemented his place in the annals of professional wrestling.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Seven Samurai; A Hardcore Review

What comes to mind when you think of epic movies? What comes into your train of thought when you think the word, "epic?" Is it some shoddy spaghetti western? Some Peter Jackson adaption of a series of books? Or maybe a universe spanning crossover that forces you to buy thirty comics you don't really want in the first place? Well, to me, "epic" is three and a half hours of some of the greatest visual storytelling I've ever seen. Now, I'll be honest, I'm not nor have I ever really been a student of the "classics." I read Shakespeare only in class. Silver Age comics are a mind numbing bore into my skull. And the bible. Well, I've wanted to roll a few fatties with those pages. And I used to nod off during mass as a young teen. Now don't get me wrong. I feel one can have respect for the classics. For a legacy. But there comes a time in history, when super hero stories about a woman being trusted to run an aircraft company, who's more interested in tying the knot with a super hero she's met all of twice. And his alter ego who tries to out do his magic space ring wearing self with indulgences in chauvinism, who spews dialog that makes me want to tear my ears off, even though it's printed is just passe. But there are some things that truly transcend time, and history and most of all technology itself. And Akira Kurosawa's "Seven Samurai" is just one of those things. This movie has fucking everything. And to think it feels like it starts right smack in the middle of a plot point. This movie is something every director of so called cinematic masterpieces like, Jackson, Ridley Scott, Lucas and Bay need to learn from. It's called story, plot and pacing. Something Kurosawa did in spades with this flick.
You would think the name says it all. But the samurai are truly only half the story. The journey to find these seven noble warriors willing to risk their lives for people you wouldn't spit on. There is something to be said for honor. For pride. For just fucking doing what is right. And don't get me wrong, there are a lot of good people out there, who do good things and ask for very little in return. And quite often, they get just that; very little.
The samurai were of noble heritage. Think of the knights. And just like knights from Europe, most were drunkards, who pillaged and looted near empty villages and raped women and murdered children. It seems civility cannot be made by being born into nobility.
Kurosawa shot this film for release in 1954, six years before the release of The Magnificent Seven, which was an obvious remake. I've never seen that Steve McQueen movie, but I'm sure it's not nearly as majestic as Seven Samurai. You don't often get films like this these days that aren't bogged down with massive continuity problems, shot with million dollar equipment or CGI enhanced till it makes your fucking eyes bleed. Oh, fuck's sake help me, in 3D.... It's a gimmick Hollywood, just like foil enhanced covers for comics and gold stamped baseball cards. It does not substitute for quality. And it should never be mistaken for it either. Kurosawa had a vision that he launched into several epic in scope movies. Most of his films were remade by Hollywood into "color" spaghetti westerns. Complete with tough guys with no personality, who were almost villainous in character. Well, FUCK THAT! It's bullshit to rip off someone's idea and then not only NOT improve upon it, but make it that much worse. Well Kurosawa is the original. The guy who inspired those spaghettis westerns that inspired John Woo that "inspired" Tarantino, complete with lousy tough guys spouting a verbal diarrhetic of unintelligible jabber.
Some of you may know these reviews, and some of you may not. Well, a quick recap of my grading system. It's called the Hardcore Review for a reason. I cuss, I'm often drunk while writing them. And I use moments from professional wrestling history as a basis for my grade. The more hardcore, bloody, sexual the action; or awesomely fucked up the verbiage, the more I liked and heartily recommend this work. And here goes. In 1993 a small promotion in Pennsylvania took on a short lived relationship with an organization that had seemingly folded years before. Less than one year after that merger, there was a tournament to crown the new NWA World Heavyweight Champion. Now this didn't make much sense after WCW split from the NWA and crowned their own World Title, and the then WWF had had their version for years. But this little upstart company, that was making waves and with this moment solidified their mark in wrestling history. Shane Douglas won the two day tournament. And as he was presented with the newly minted NWA belt, he spoke a few words. He dedicated the win to his recently deceased father. He mentioned ever major champion in NWA history, even his much hated Ric Flair. And then... he threw down the belt and said, "And they can all kiss my ass!.... Cause I am not the man to be handed a torch from a company that died, RIP seven years ago! I am the man who ignites the new flame of THE SPORT of professional wrestling." He then grabbed the ECW (Eastern Championship Wrestling) Heavyweight Title and proclaimed himself the ECW World Heavyweight Champion.

Monday, October 31, 2011

My first fan letter? I guess...

Dear Mr. Chihak,
I am a loyal fan of your art and have purchased a few issues of your series. I was wanting to purchase another book, titled Fuzzy Face. Unfortunately, the book wasn't in stock. I then settled for, Bed Head which unlike your other books, had no price printed on the cover. I was astounded to find out that it was being sold for, $10.00! I was willing to believe that it would be TWICE as good as your others, that I have bought for $5.00. Unfortunately I was appalled to discover the contents of Bed Head. Again unlike your other books, which have stories and plot lines, a mere collection of sketches that didn't meet my expectations or your quality of work. As a loyal fan I hope to hear from you soon.

Branden Adams

My response to this, Is I do not know what to say. I mean it says Sketchbook right on the cover. SO it's not like I was false advertising or anything. Plus, I am pretty sure this guy bought the book at Safehouse, so he could have easily looked at the contents before buying it. I have not responded to this email, as I don't really know what I could say to him.

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Zombie Tramp vol. 1; A Hardcore Review

Recently, I ordered Dan Mendoza's Zombie Tramp volume one from Super Real Graphics. I follow Dan on DeviantArt and have been admiring his pics of the Zombie Tramp, Janey. It's actually a light hearted tale about Hollywood's best call girl, Janey. Her Madame, gets blackmailed by a crooked cop and is forced to send Janey to the cop's home. Janey gets forced into the basement where the crooked cop's son is waiting, and hungry. For some reason, the cop's son is a zombie and he takes a chunk out of Janey's supple bod. Afterward, Janey dies.... and re-emerges, with the help of the equally busty Zombie Voodoo Priestess, Xula as The Zombie Tramp, the hottest, not completely clothed, large breasted zombie EVER!
This book is fucking great. It's done mostly in black and white, with splashes of color, mostly red. But damn it's fucking great. Who doesn't love some scantily clad goodness with extra large jublies all around. And there is nudity. I was fucking waiting for that through the whole book. And Dan finally delivered at the very end of the book. Zombie or not, there's a ton of comic book fans, male and female who would risk their humanity for a piece of that ass. And Mendoza is working feverishly on volume two. More ultra large zombie titties, bouncing around as only saline can deliver.
Zombie Tramp reads, much like a late 80's early 90's really low rent zombie flicks. B-Horror is one of the all time best genres of movies ever. I mean look at the great things we've gotten from it: Bruce Campbell, a naked as fuck Linnea Quigley, Sam Raimi, Liam Neeson, Bruce Campbell's chin and so much more. And this whole concept is as fun and fucked as anything could possibly be.
Zombies have become a staple of pop culture. Here in Tucson, we have Zombie Walk, and there's a Zombie Ball, at Phoenix Con we get Zombie Prom and the Zombie Beauty Pageant. Zombies have taken the world by storm, something piss poor vampires never totally could. And Stephanie Meyer, if you ever think to write a story about sparkling zombies, I will find you and sing annoying songs at the top of my lungs until your ears bleed.
Now for the grade. As you may or may not know, I don't use some sort of lame thumbs up my ass, a piss poor letter or number grade. No, this is the mother fucking, original HARDCORE REVIEW. I only grade with hardcore moments in wrestling history. And this is not an exception to that rule. It was the very first episode of ECW on Sci-Fi, produced by the WWE. And I know, you're thinking nothing involving WWE's ECW was hardcore. But I hit you in the face with a steel chair with thumb tacks super glues to it. Listen up spunky, cause here we go. It's actually two moments from that initial show. The first being Paul Heyman's emergence and presentation of the new ECW World Heavyweight Championship belt to Rob Van Dam, who had just won the WWE Championship from John Cena at ECW's One Night Stand two nights before. When Heyman gives the belt to RVD, RVD says he's honored to have the belt he fought for in ECW for so many years. But he wants to keep the WWE Championship too. The quote is awesome, "Look, it spins!" God I loved that shit! The second part, was when a fucking zombie came out of the walkway and tried to cut a moaning promo in the middle of the ring. The crowd honestly didn't know what to think, when all of a sudden (not on television tho) "Enter Sandman" hits the PA system and the crowd fucking lost it. Sandman walks he way down to the ring, shotgunning beers the entire way. Stumbles over the barricade, slides into the ring and canes the holy fuck out of the zombie. They rigged the zombies shirt full of sawdust, so every time he got nailed, dust flew into the air and the crowd cheered as wrestling's Hardcore Icon beat the shit out of some poor sonofabitch who is probably a star now under Vince McMahon's infinite wisdom. Hope you enjoyed this review as much I enjoyed drinking while writing it.

Friday, October 21, 2011

We3; A Hardcore Review

I finally just picked up Grant Morrison and Frank Quietly's We3. And it was worth the price of the deluxe edition hardcover graphic novel. Morrison's writing is as good as it's ever been in this tale of a government/military project to make animals into soldiers. Quietly's art style has never been better. And the extras show the massive amount of work that went into this insane project. Some people don't like the extras, the behind the scenes type stuff that artists and writers decide to add to the works. It's like a great movie on dvd or Bluray, with commentary and deleted scenes. We3 had everything you could want in an epic non-superhero story. This sci-fi story is up there with some of the greats, and has lurked its way onto my top five. Not an easy feat to accomplish.
Morrison is a sick sick man, with a penchant for writing some of the best fucking comics out there. Sure back in the early 2000's he supposedly retired after accusing the Waschowski brothers of stealing his idea for the Matrix. And even though, there were others who claimed the same thing, I am glad the Scottish scribe decided to come back to the table that fed him.
Quietly's artwork has always been amazing, but with this graphic novel, he pushes himself to the limits in his abilities. Quietly is a badass when it comes to rendering the emotions of the animals who are stolen from their homes and forced into a life of the service of a depraved military. Some, and reiterate, some of Quietly's humans look alike in their facial features. But the technology of the armor that We3 wear, and the animals themselves are amazingly rendered. When you look at the extras, Quietly worked himself to the utmost limits. The escape sequence, the cat fight sequence, and the CCTV pages were astounding. And with the extras you can see exactly how much time and work went into the project. I give Quietly the utmost kudos and mad props for his storytelling abilities. It is what all artists should aspire to.
It's interesting, since I recently reviewed Action Comics #1, where Morrison was accused of being anti-Christian when Supes uttered a gutteral moan that some moronic right wing, god fearing asshole called for a boycott. Morrison weaved a solid tale that is a super quick read, but with all of Quietly's quality linework and the amazing digital inks and colors make you want to take you sweet fucking time making your way through this book. I cannot stress enough, just how much I enjoyed We3. I am an animal lover, and I own three small dogs. So watching the military adaptation about these animals being experimented on was really tough on me. But hearing them talk to each other and the way they communicated in "text" speak was pretty hilarious.
The battle sequences were majestic in scope and Quietly does an amazing job with those sequences. His attention to detail is nothing short of top quality. This book is so fucking amazing that mere words cannot do it justice. You have to see and read it to believe it. So amazing in fact that it's notched its way into my top five favorite comic book stories of all time with the likes of Teenagers from Mars and Bone. That's pretty high praise fellas.
Morrison and Quietly are the perfect creative team. And in keeping with the tradition of great teams I am grading this with one with my favorite tag team of all time, ECW's The Eliminators. John Kronus and Perry Saturn took on all comers in their battles for the World Tag Team Titles. And they had some legendary matches. One of the most remembered matches took place in the vaunted ECW Arena where The Eliminators sought to take on the best in the world, when they fought the incomparable, and greatest American tag team ever to wrestle in Japan, Terry "Bam Bam" Gordy and "Doctor Death" Steve Williams. The match itself wasn't anything spectacular. It was a great match, with all four wrestlers putting out max effort, but it was the finale that put it over the top, and landed Saturn and Gordy in the hospital. For later that night, Tommy Dreamer would meet Brian Lee in the finale to their monster feud in a scaffold match.... Saturn, took the opportunity to use the scaffold to drop the monster elbow from the rafter of the ECW Arena. The elbow hit Gordy square and left both men needing paramedic assistance to get out of the ring.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

X-Men First Class; A Hardcore Review

"Go fuck yourselves!" The single greatest line Wolverine has ever uttered... EVER! But why Wolverine can say "fuck" and Mystique has no visible nipples confounds me. But back to the point. Wait, what was the fucking point? Oh, right, First Class, with characters who didn't show up until like a few years ago. Great continuity job there guys. Look I hate the concept of reboots. But I hate the concept of shitty reboots even more. And when there is only ONE original X-Man in the FIRST CLASS, there's gonna be a problem. But down deep, this was a good movie. A really good movie. I wanted to hate it. And believe me, I got my moments, which I will fully blast later, but this was a solid flick. I loved that they used footage from the first X-Men movie when Magneto's powers first manifested. And I loved how Shaw used Magneto as a test case, and brought the source of his powers out. It was AWESOME! Plus, Kevin Bacon's German, and Russian were great. Not that I speak either language. I mean, let's be honest, I can barely handle English or American, but whatever you wanna call it.
Magneto's journey of vengeance was flat out, very well done. And done with such fervor and rage, it was fucking believable. That's what I liked about it. But to balance out Magneto's anger, was Charles Xavier's serenity. Somehow, knowing all these people hate him and want him dead, even after all his team did, he still wanted to make the world better by just blending in. Magneto did, at the end, bring out the Malcolm X to Xavier's Martin Luther King Jr. It made sense. And fusing it with actual history, including the Cold War and the Cuban Missile Crisis was super well done. I have been super impressed with this and one other film that melded with American history and used it so well, by integrating it with the story. Surprisingly well done. I dug the cast of characters, for the most part. And of course like any sci-fi movie, the black guy died first. At least it wasn't on accident so the two estranged white people got to live, but the whole team. And he made that choice to try and help defeat Shaw and his ripoff Nightcrawler. But what the fuck was a go-go dancing stripper named who had DRAGONFLY tattoos on her back called Angel for? And how many women, in 1962, even a stripper, had huge fucking wings tattooed on there backs? One of the worst keeping with the 60's motif in the movie. That and the fact that the white and black mutants got along. C'mon, there wasn't any tension between them. But there was issues with Hank McCoy who had weird feet? What the fuck? Oh, and then when he transforms he becomes unable to make his mouth move in accordance with his speech. And he didn't get any bigger body wise, but his head grew EIGHT sizes that day. And while I am on the subject of Beast, if he did become more animalistic in nature, than wouldn't he lose the need for glasses? He would have predator eyes.
But back to the good. The search for the mutants. Man, the fucking cameo of Wolverine was CLASSIC!
Xavier: "Hi, I'm Charles Xavier and this is-"
Wolverine: "Go fuck yourselves!"
Xavier: "Alrighty then..... Eric, I think I just wet me britches a smidge."
Why was a 16 year old in solitary confinement and he wasn't all scary or crazy. I mean he was antisocial, but not hardcore about it. You know, I never liked White Queen all that much, but GODDAMN January Jones has got a set of titties on her. And she's like what a buck five, with tits that make her a buck fifteen. The diamond effect was cool. And even though he was a Nightcrawler knock off, Azazel had his moments. He was cool looking, but I dunno, I just love Crawler so much, that I couldn't like him at all. Although the way he used his power was pretty badass. But the pretty much unlimited teleportation range was a fucking bit much. And what was the point of Angel? Dude, there was like the most useless character. But she lives, cause she's hot and I guess only half black or Asian. And the full on negro bites the dust, by getting exploded from the inside. And by the guy who used to be the Nazi official.... do tell.
This movie was cool for the most part in my mind because of the mutant searching, the training and Magneto's search for revenge. Those are elements that made for a great new beginning. And Xavier and Mystique's relationship was really cool. Knowing that even in the end when he told her to go with Magneto, he wasn't reading her mind. Oh, and how come Xavier has to touch his temple to activate his powers? And why does Magneto need to motion towards the object he is manipulating? I understand it when he's still learning to use his power. But Emma Frost didn't have to do that. Shaw sorta did, but he was absorbing and expelling energy.
The breakdown of the first big battle and the training sequences alone made this flick for me. Sure there were parts that sucked, but with most comic book movies is to hope that they get the spirit of the characters correctly and the story makes sense and is epic in a way. Solid story, really good cast. Using a lot of unknown and lesser used actors, solid effects and mostly great characters.... X-Men First Class was a great reboot. And I never thought I would hear myself say that. Then again I never thought I would cheer a Wolverine one liner either.
If you're just tuning in, the Hardcore Review doesn't use thumbs, letters, numbers or even a hefty, nifty little shiny one liner for the movie poster or dvd slip case. I use hardcore moments in wrestling history as a basis for my grades. If the review is favorable, expect, foul language, sex, blood and more. If it sucks, expect Hulk Hogan. The moment I harken back to is from 1997. Triple H, who was then Hunter Hearst Helmsley was embroiled in a battle with Mankind. But the feud grew to the point that Mankind enlisted the friend of his old alter ego, Cactus Jack. Triple H and Cactus battled in a hardcore match with weapons and total violence, just when the then World Wrestling Federation began to enter the "Attitude Era." It was Monday Night Raw and the final moment of the match resulted in Cactus Jack doing something that very well may never have been done in the WWF until that point.... he piledrived Triple H through a table on the Titantron entrance ramp. The table wasn't the regular folding table used now, this was a rough, raw wood table that was probably from the 80's. I'm surprised Triple H survived to become the 10 time champion, and man who three years later "retire" Mick Foley as Cactus Jack.

Red State; A Hardcore Review

I know I said I would be back on a more regular basis with these reviews, but, honestly, I've been slacking. Last night, I watched Kevin Smith's Red State. I had to say, going in, I had no idea about what this flick was all about. Reading the short synopsis on I was really interested. Knowing Smith stepped out of his comfort zone of comedy and dick and fart jokes had me interested, but slightly concerned. I, like many of you, I love his work and his style of monologue type dialog. But, even without seeing one frame, I was impressed. It's not easy to step away from what's worked for you. And a lot of people don't respond well to it when you do. But Red State started out with me going, "What the fuck?" and not ceasing to be impressed until the credits rolled.
Red State is the tale of a trio of high school friends who seek sex via the internet. While on their drunken journey to nearby Cooper's Dell, the trio side swipe a parked car that has two dudes going at it in the front seat. The group flee the scene and make their way to a single wide trailer that houses a middle aged woman waiting for their hard cocks. Or so they thought. After downing a few beers provided by the anonymous cock hound cougar, the trio find themselves waking up, bound, one in a dog kennel, the other two in the small crawl space of a church of a group of insane Right Wing, uber conservative Christians who not only loathe extra/premarital and homosexual sex, but picket the funerals of homosexuals and deviants alike, they are also armed to the fucking teeth with automatic weapons to bring about their crusade against the profane. But in addition to that, we learn that they have also been responsible for the murder of at least one young man from the nearby town where the high school boys are from. The kid in the kennel witnesses the execution of a man who has been bound in shrink wrap and his mouth stuffed with an S&M ball gag. Strange that a conservative group would have access to this type of accouterments. We learn that the group, The Five Points Baptist Church, has been using the internet to lure deviants to their doom. And I say deviants from their point of view. I could care less if someone wants to have sex with a man or a woman, married, single, extra marital, premarital or otherwise.
This movie gets dark quick, as the man is tied to a cross at the front of the church. The preacher, identified by his followers as "Daddy" and "grandpa," orders the young members to leave the room before they wrap the man's face and head and then blow his brains out. How, noble and righteous. You'll brainwash them to hate and they're probably inbreeding, but witnessing executions is FOR ADULTS ONLY. Apparently, even righteousness has it's limits. But go figure, cause in just a few years, those kids are going to be taking the reigns as handed down to them by their fucked up parents.
The group grabs the young man out of the kennel, and begins wrapping him up, binding him to the same cross. Down below in the crawl space, the two remaining friends escape using bone shards from the recently killed man who was dropped down into the little room. It gets seriously insane from here, when one of the kids finds the weapons stash and all hell breaks loose.
I really wanna tell you what happens, but I know I gotta save it for those of you who have yet to see it. And I highly recommend this flick. It is more fucked up than a donkey show with a chubby man giving that ass a sloppy blowjob. You probably never thought Smith would be able to top those antics, or getting a chubby Seth Rogen to disrobe on screen or a woman to blow bubbles with her twat. BUT HE DID! And Smith made such a great showing for himself with this coup de gras of bringing down the walls around psychotic Christian fundamentalists. Smith, as you may know, is a Catholic, although he is not devout, or practicing. He made Dogma and was smoten by Catholics who never dared step foot into the theatre to witness as he poked fun on his own faith. How might the insanely zealotous Right Wing population respond to this slap in the face? It's interesting, cause for people who love publicity and are righteous sure seem to shy away from stuff like this. They claim this isn't how they view the world, while they picket funerals, planned parenthood clinics and openly question the morality of other religious groups that have equally opposing views. Strange, cause they hate people like me, an educated, Atheist who believes in himself and thinks for himself, but you'd never see me waging war on a group of people, race, religion, gender or sexuality based. Atheists just don't do shit like that. Cause we don't put our faith into something that can't be proven or substantiated, that would have us kill our own son or massacre a people cause they were exploring their sexuality. Movies like this get me thinking and also get me mad. Cause it shows the extreme side to a belief structure that is based on the so called word of God, that was interpreted by man. And man is, in god's eyes, fallible. So, no doubt the words got fucking misinterpreted. Hmmm. makes me think this sounds like the people who read a book and take it as fact. Eisner, I hate Twilight fans. And I seriously don't understand how someone would honestly believe that a god that was once very pissy and egotistical would suddenly change his ways once he impregnates a thirteen year old girl. Or at least a portion of him did so. Cause not only is god god, but god is also Jesus AND the holy spirit? How the fuck is that possible? Oh and if god has always been, then why'd it take god so long to create the heaven and universe?
Enough soapboxing. This movie kicked all kinds of ass. Smith took his work to the next level, by moving completely out of his comfort zone. I have been a fan of Kevin Smith's work since Clerks, but recently, even being a fan, have admitted he is overrated. Perhaps one of the most overrated directors in Hollywood, along with Tarantino, Rodriguez, Peter Jackson, George Lucas and Shyamalan. But with this effort, Smith has far removed himself from that group and although he had it before, garnered even more respect from me. Fuckin' A I like it!
As you may or may not know, if you're not a follower of the Hardcore Review, I rate my reviews a bit differently than most. I don't give a shitty letter, number, a percentage or some stupid, overdone and easily identifiable, and without effort grade. No, here at the mother fucking ORIGINAL Hardcore Review I base my review upon hardcore moments in professional wrestling history. The more hardcore, blood filled and insane the moment, the more I fucking liked whatever the hell I am grading. And with this movie, I feel it deserves an equally controversial moment from the annals of wrestling history. It was the heyday of ECW. And the during the height of the Sandman/ Raven feud. Raven, kidnapped and brainwashed Sandman's wife and son. But that wasn't the ultimate. Raven attacks Sandman, and then with the help of Super Nova, Blue Meanie and Stevie Richards, CRUCIFIED Sandman. This moment left announcer Joey Styles speechless, and the crowd silent and visibly upset. With the heat from the moment and threats of a lawsuit from potential roster member Kurt Angle, Paul Heyman made Scotty Levy (Raven) go out and apologize to the crowd for offending them and bring up religious iconography. Which was hilarious in it's own right. Cause Raven admits, that he went out there with orders to make a sincere apology. Raven states that he did his best to make a sincerely insincere apology. All, I ask is that Smith never fucking apologize for his work. Well maybe Chasing Amy, but not Red State. If he does, I'll fucking make him fly Southwest AGAIN!.... if you know what I mean.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Action Comics #1: A Hardcore Review

I haven't reviewed anything as of late, due to being busy with the Fuzzyface campaign. But I am back and will be dropping reviews at a better rate than I have been. I just read Action Comics yesterday right as the rain hit this much needed city. I didn't pick it up cause of hyper or cause It was a number one or part of the relaunch. I've actually never read all that many Superman comics, surprisingly. But there was a story leaked onto Bleeding Cool that had me interested. Apparently a comic book retailer in North Carolina, cause it's never a state where people outnumber rednecks, has begun a boycotting of all things written by Grant Morrison. His reasoning? During a battle scene with tanks, a young Superman lets out an onomonopia in the form of two letters, GD. Now, this clever man, I can only assume it was a man, cause I've never met a woman who was this quick to jump to a religious conclusion, is boycotting Grant Morrison cause in his words "this is a slap in the face to Christians everywhere." I dunno, I get hit in the stomach by a fucking tank and I'm gonna be letting out a lot more than a small sound that is to most people just a sound. I'll be cursing the fucking heavens and blasting god for allowing people like this to exist. Now let me be clear, I am an Atheist. Why? Cause shit like this is fucking stupid. You don't see Atheists calling for boycotts of stuff that merely mentions belief or some sort of deity. There are those of us who won't stand for the Pledge of Allegiance, or for school prayer because of the mention of god being involved. Not Christians, and it only seems to be Christians, never Jews, or Muslims or even Buddhists seem to give a shit about someone not wanting to stand. Cause it's a choice. Religion has been used to intimidate and obliterate people from the face of the Earth for a belief. Not concrete proof, but belief. That just seems more ignorant that spiritual to me, and I'M AN ATHEIST!
So anyway, back to the comic at large. This was my first issue of any of the new 52 from DC Comics. And I have to say it did not disappoint. Grant Morrison wrote a fantastic first tale of young big blue, who with Rags Morales doing the art looks like he's young enough to be a freshman in college. This book was put together from front to back cover and I can honestly say that reading Action #1 I have not been this excited for comics since my characters Nash and Kyle appeared in the pages of Jimmie Robinson's Bomb Queen a few years ago. I have loaded my pull list with various new DC stuff, including Deathstroke, cause he's fucking Deathstroke, Red Lanterns, Wonder Woman, Catwoman, Batman and Robin and Nightwing. Based on the creative teams working on the titles. But mostly the writing. As visual as I am, it's the writing that is getting my goat lately. I want to learn to be a better writer, so why not read the best in the industry right now, and right now, they're all at DC headquarters.
This book kicked all kinds of ass, and if it pissed off some right wing religious nazi at the same time, even better. Cause you're in the wrong business pal. If you wanted to see oppression and not let people have free speech, go to Capitol Hill for the next year. I'm not a big fan of retconning stuff. I mean if you don't want to use a part of a character's history, just don't. But to redo the entire thing just to start clean seems kind of strange. I mean we as people don't get to do that, even though a lot of us would like to. Keep the flaws. The bad stories, the cheesey gimmicks, the universe changing crossovers. That's what makes these characters a bit more able to be related to. Even though, the current story idea have them set at new beginnings where they are younger, going to make more mistakes and a bit more human. I am super excited to have read my first Supes comic in years. It made all sorts of sense and even reintroduced a Lex Luthor, who's reasons for wanting to destroy Superman in the past never surfaced in my mind, but lets it be known that this could be the undoing of the human species if Supes is let to roam free. And IT MADE SENSE! Also look for a younger Jimmie Olsen and a twenty something Lois Lane, who has always been my idea of a strong woman who gets the job done.
Action Comics #1 will, like every other project being reviewed be graded on hardcore moments in wrestling history. This harkens back to Wrestlemania 18. Icon versus Icon. Hogan versus the Rock. And this was an extremely amazing match. Hogan had a great match, probably cause he was partnered up with the Rock who is one of the best ever. But this match drained the crowd and had multiple match stopping chants of "Rocky" and "Hogan." It was everything you want from a dream match. And it worked on so many levels. Now, I'm not a fan of giving Hogan any kind of credit when it comes to memorable moments in wrestling history, but this match delivered. Finishing with a huge People's Elbow, Rock took out the legend and then showed respect to Hogan and the fans by letting the old man pose a few more times. Even I got chills, and I fucking hate Hogan.

Thursday, September 8, 2011


Ok, here's the deal. We have TEN days to make our goal of only $3,500 to reprint Fuzzyface. It's an attainable goal, in that we'll be able to reprint over 1,000 copies of the book. We're only at 10% right now, but I know if everyone who loves indie comics and loves horror movies chips in, we can do it. I just want the chance to bring Fuzzyface to the masses.

Fuzzyface is the best comic I've ever worked on. And I believe in this project so much that I will cut my pigtails off if we reach our goal. But only if you, the readers help. It's been a rough, crazy road. Without a map or gps. And I know I jumped the gun when I launched the project. But don't make Fuzzyface suffer. Let the word be heard. It's a great book. The best horror comic in the business. Everyone who has read it has loved it. And since we sold out, I figured we needed to do it again. This time bigger and better. A prologue, epilogue, new pinups, new covers. The artwork will be gray scaled. It's gonna be amazing, but only if the fans get behind it. Here's the link. We know you won't regret making this pledge.

Kickstarter campaign
Support small press. FUZZYFACE OR DIE!

Friday, August 19, 2011

Fuzzyface campaign LAUNCHED!

Ladies and gentlemen. I give you the link to which you can now "back" out Kickstarter campaign to get Fuzzyface reprinted.
Fuzzyface on Kickstarter
We're super happy about the amount of support we've already gotten. So please, let people know about this. Tweet it, facebook it, Google+ it, myspace it, sky write it, graffiti it all over the place. We have 30 days to make our humble goal of $3,500. If we raise that much or more, we can do a massive reprint. If not, without your support I'll have to start whoring myself out on the streets. The economy sucks here in Tucson, you know how many "handies" that would take? Don't make me do it folks. Don't make me bust out the Jergens.

Thursday, August 18, 2011


Hey all,
I am about to launch my campaign on tomorrow to fund the reprinting of the the original graphic novel from Anti-Hero Brand Press, Fuzzyface: The Agnew Chainsaw Massacre 3.
Our funding goal is $3,500 in 30 days. This will give us the necessary funds to print 1,000 copies of the book with added features, print up postcards and buttons. If we exceed our goal, then we'll shoot for hardcover copies of the book, con appearances and other sweet promotional items.
Without you spreading the word about the gospel that is Fuzzyface, we may not make our goal. What I hope, is that even if you cannot fund the project, that you will facebook your friends. Write to local newspapers, and tweet about the project including links to the kickstarter page so people can get in on the action. Kickstarter is a great source not just for funding worthy projects, but promotion and networking. So please, feel free to use the images I am including here and in the press release I will also submit to my blog, a little bit later. Hell, copy and paste that fucker wherever you can.
Everyone who has read Fuzzyface has loved it. Venus of Necro did a fabulous job writing this epic tale of one deranged, puppetcidal little fuzzball with a chainsaw. But, Fuzzyface is a love story at heart. And I know the more people we get into this, the more will love the jokes, the comedy and tribute to Jim Henson and Tobe Hooper. Fuzzyface in a few words is, "Texas Chain Saw Massacre meets The Muppets." It's never been done before. It's the greatest combo since peanut butter and jelly, peanut butter and chocolate, bacon and eggs, bacon and bacon. It's that damn good. And I am damn proud that I have worked on a project this fun and successful.

Saturday, July 30, 2011

Water Baby: A Hardcore Review

Written and drawn by Ross Campbell the same guy who does the amazing book, Wet Moon, for Minx. Minx was DC's attempt at attracting more female readers by tapping some of the industries best independent creators for a handful of really fucking awesome digest sized books.
Water Baby is the story of a young surfer who during a set gets attacked by a shark and loses her leg as a result. The story jumps forward several months where Brody is refusing to wear her prosthetic leg and now has a roommate in her best friend Louisa who has been tapped with the job of watching after Brody during this difficult time in her life. Brody is a tattooed, pierced tomboy hottie. Louisa is a little more laid back and feminine. Brody has dreams about shark attacks that become reminiscent of a Salvidor Dahli painting is it's obscurity and abstractness.
Brody's ex, Jake shows up one day saying her mom said he could stay with the duo. Brody's been trying to get over Jake, who never even wrote or stopped by during Brody's rehab or hospital stay. The next several weeks, that was only supposed to last a few days, Jake spends on the couch vegging out and not getting a job, eating all the ice cream sandwiches. This reminded me of my mom's second husband, who got fired from his job shortly after the wedding and then refused to get another, eating all the ice cream sandwiches and throwing away my stuffed animals. He was a 'Nam vet who had a drug habit. Mom didn't let that last too long tho. Brody on the other hand let's Jake just loaf and not do shit. The tool even brings some piece of jail bate to the house and almost gets laid before being caught by Brody and Louisa. Jake gets wasted one night, throwing up all over the couch and living room. To which Brody calls enough, steals her mom's car and her, Louisa and Jake are off the New York to drop Jake off at his folks'.
The road trip yields some unplanned results, including the car being stolen and Jake picking up on some other piece of jail bate at a diner. The girl ends up riding with the trio. Finally reaching their destination, Jake is dropped off and Louisa and Brody begin their long journey back to Florida where it all began.
This book had a lot of the great qualities that made me like Wet Moon, Campbell's other solo book series. But there was some stuff I didn't care for. Ross does an amazing job with facial expressions. However his lack of diversity when rendering males or seriously butch chicks is a bit frustrating. However both Brody and Louisa were wholly original in their appearances. Especially with all the ink Brody sports. Water Baby is an awesome ride, with some unforgettable characters, with the exception of Jake. But there's always got to be in order to make you love the other characters even more than you would if all the characters were equally cool.
The book fires on seven of eight cylinders. And for sheer purposes of this review, as it pertains to hardcore moments in wrestling history, I take you back to 2001. Shortly after both ECW and WCW had gone out of business. One night on Raw, during a WWF vs. WCW match Kane and Jericho took on the Awesome Mike Awesome and Lance Storm. During the match two guys jump the railing and with Storm and Awesome take out Jericho and Kane. The two are revealed to be Rob Van Dam and Tommy Dreamer. To the rescue of the WWF superstars runs out the B team of the WWF. They face off with Kane and Y2J against the four invaders. However you realize something is off. And then it hits you. The remaining six guys are the Dudley Boys, Rhino, Raven, Taz and Justin Credible. All ECW guys. The brawl starts as the group of ten begins destroying Jericho and Kane. All topped by Paul Heyman on color saying, "I want you to remember this moment." Takes off his headset and climbs into the ring proclaiming the ECW is invading.

Friday, July 1, 2011

Elephantmen vol. 1; A Hardcore Review

"Part Blade Runner... part We3... completely AWESOME!" In all honesty, this is not a fair comparison, cause I have yet to read We3. But this book was completely fucking amazing.
Look, I know like many of you, the amazing lettering the Richard Starkings and Comic Craft have done in the past decade or more of comics. And I also know that Starkings began the Hip Flask mini stories as a way to promote Comic Craft's superb abilities. But was anyone expecting the full on dynamic characters, the sweet lineup of artists who would handle the art chores and the flat out amazing story that would come of it? Elephantmen is a superior comic on so many levels. The concept is hundreds of years in the future, a geneticist named Dorctor Kazushi Nikken, under the auspices of MAPPO splices animal genes and then places the embryos into host human females. The result was humanoid hippos, alligators, rhinos and more, all created for the sole purpose of war. MAPPO controlled every aspect of the creature's lives, including education, training and making the creatures including Hip Flask and Ebony completely dependent on them.
The creatures attempts at acclimating to society after their trials are staggering. For the most part, the humans reject them. So much so that like in our country, they have enacted laws to stop people from marrying the mutant creatures. That is until a young woman named Sahara, who's own mother was kidnapped from an African village and forced into being a host for Doctor Nikken's insane experiment, falls in love with an Elephantman named Obadiah. Obadiah is probably, at least in volume one, the most powerful of the Elephantmen, and seems to be involved with some shady customers. The engagement of Obadiah and Sahara made national news, prompting bigotry and outrage from some people, sort of like same sex marriages seem to do the same now.
Doctor Nikken acted as if he were god, under the hood of an evil multinational corporation. The voice heard by the young animal/human hybrids was always Nikken's. Warning them that they were created as inferior to humans, but MAPPO made them stronger. MAPPO sent these Elephantmen out on warpaths, destroying cities and maiming and massacring people. It's no wonder that people feared these behemoths.
In all, like with groups of people who are almost wholly distrusted by society today, not all of the Elephantmen are bad, or have bad intentions. Most of them just want to exist somewhat unnoticed by the masses. Something that is very hard to do when you're nine feet tall with gray skin and a trunk.
Elephantmen was something I picked up after meeting Richard Starkings at last year's San Diego Comic Con. I got a free copy of issue one, which had some amazing artwork, including the superstar cover art. Took pics of the Sky Cab cutie, complete with window pane top. And watched a friend pick up all three collected hardcover volumes. It took me almost a year, but I finally got my own volume one at Charlies Comics right here in Tucson. The money I spent on it was more than worth it. A massive phone book sized compilation of the first seven issues, plus issue 0 AND all of the covers; back stories, sketches and more. Elephantmen is an excellent read and a great play on current events and how they might unfold. I give this awesome book something very suitable in the annals of wrestling history... The WWF's annual tournament event that culminated with the June pay per view King of the Ring. The two combatants who made it to the finals were the staunch veteran, Jake "The Snake" Roberts and the young, brash upstart who was told just a year earlier that he would never make it past mid card status and couldn't make a career out of wearing black trunks and black boots to the ring, "Stone Cold" Steve Austin. Roberts had a busted up set of ribs, and Austin had just returned from the hospital after getting his lip stitched shut caused in a previous match that night. Immediately Austin went for the ribs with such gusto that it caused then Commissioner Gorilla Monsoon to break up the fracas just long enough for Roberts to gain the upper hand. But in true "Rattlesnake" style Austin sent the veteran crumbling to the mat with a Stone Cold Stunner. Following the match came possibly the most famous words ever uttered in a promo. As a broken Jake Roberts was helped back to the locker room, Austin began running his mouth in what would be the first of many amazing Stone Cold promos in the WWF/E. "You thump your bible. You talk about your Psalms. You talk about John 3:16. Well Austin 3:16 says, 'I just whipped your ass!"

Thursday, June 23, 2011

The Crow Wicked Prayer; A Hardcore Review

"Better than the original," and "Greatest goodguy badguy banter this side of a Spider-Man comic," ARE NOT THINGS YOU WILL HEAR IN THIS REVIEW! There is little I enjoy more than destroying something via Hardcore Review. I can use words no one would associate with the project being reviewed. And be as verbose as I want and those of you who read this will salivate like the proverbial Pavlov's dog.
Cause I am fucking honest to a beat down truth. I'm ruthless when it comes to reviewing shit I don't like. And this is gonna be one of those reviews. So, let's get past the greeting and intro and get into the steaming pile of shit that wouldn't be able to fertilize a lawn. Yeah, it's that bad.
First of all to try and sell a movie to potential fans with Edward Furlong, Tara Reid and David "Angel" Boreanaz is your first, second and third mistakes. If it were a felony to cast shitty actors, and it should be, the casting director and director should be in prison without the possibility of parole. I would change my stance on the death penalty for this one folks. There were two possible good points to this utter episiotomy of two hours of my life, Tito "The Huntington Beach Badboy" Ortiz and Danny Trejo, and both were cast to NOT play themselves and fell flat on their faces. Who the fuck casts Danny Trejo to act? Even his cousin doesn't attempt that.
The fact that the hero was five foot nothing and then they tried to spin this whole massive fail of overacting, and tough guy gothitude, not only didn't work, I was actually hoping there was gonna be a repeat of the first movie. No goth is tough. They all sit at home, write shitty poetry in black ink on black notebook paper while listening to either shitty music that makes your ears bleed or 80's (which honestly isn't all bad, but the stuff they stomp dance to sure as fuck is) and cut themselves with their ceremonial fantasy daggers that are laden with crystal balls and dragon handles, they bought online while wearing black vinyl they got at Hot Topic. These people are people I laughed at ten years ago when it was in vogue, and now, I just feel sorry for you that you haven't gone on to the next fad. Especially since most of you haven't bothered to STOP eating or START working out as you've grown ancient.
David Boreanaz as the "satanic biker cult leader," WHEN THERE WASN'T A FUCKING MOTORCYCLE IN THE ENTIRE FUCKING MOVIE! And you gave Tara Reid a speaking role? Who the fuck are you trying to pander to? Cause it wasn't someone who enjoys thinking, or being even remotely entertained.
I've had bowel movements that were more pleasant than listening to the dialog in this piece. I mean to me, James O'Barr is a one hit wonder when it comes to comics, but at least he's had the decency to stay out of the spotlight when he has nothing interesting to say. That guy looked so on edge during his interview on the two disc collector's edition of the original The Crow, that he probably would have strangled his wife and then blown his own head off if he had seen this.
But then, there was the very last possible saving grace, and that was Dennis "PABST BLUE RIBBON" Hopper in one of the final scenes where a Las Vegas style goth Boreanaz shows up to marry Reid's character and all we get is this drivel dialog with Hopper spouting hip hop phrases while conducting the marriage vows. I could barely stomach this, but then again, I already awarded the vaunted Hogan "leg drop" as a grade so, nothing could ever be quite THAT bad. Right?
In terms of this being HARDCORE, here's my take on it. Sid Vicious, when he was Sycho Sid in the WWF, SHITTING HIMSELF during a match with the Undertaker. That's how hardcore this bowel movement was.