Elephantmen vol. 1; A Hardcore Review

"Part Blade Runner... part We3... completely AWESOME!" In all honesty, this is not a fair comparison, cause I have yet to read We3. But this book was completely fucking amazing.
Look, I know like many of you, the amazing lettering the Richard Starkings and Comic Craft have done in the past decade or more of comics. And I also know that Starkings began the Hip Flask mini stories as a way to promote Comic Craft's superb abilities. But was anyone expecting the full on dynamic characters, the sweet lineup of artists who would handle the art chores and the flat out amazing story that would come of it? Elephantmen is a superior comic on so many levels. The concept is hundreds of years in the future, a geneticist named Dorctor Kazushi Nikken, under the auspices of MAPPO splices animal genes and then places the embryos into host human females. The result was humanoid hippos, alligators, rhinos and more, all created for the sole purpose of war. MAPPO controlled every aspect of the creature's lives, including education, training and making the creatures including Hip Flask and Ebony completely dependent on them.
The creatures attempts at acclimating to society after their trials are staggering. For the most part, the humans reject them. So much so that like in our country, they have enacted laws to stop people from marrying the mutant creatures. That is until a young woman named Sahara, who's own mother was kidnapped from an African village and forced into being a host for Doctor Nikken's insane experiment, falls in love with an Elephantman named Obadiah. Obadiah is probably, at least in volume one, the most powerful of the Elephantmen, and seems to be involved with some shady customers. The engagement of Obadiah and Sahara made national news, prompting bigotry and outrage from some people, sort of like same sex marriages seem to do the same now.
Doctor Nikken acted as if he were god, under the hood of an evil multinational corporation. The voice heard by the young animal/human hybrids was always Nikken's. Warning them that they were created as inferior to humans, but MAPPO made them stronger. MAPPO sent these Elephantmen out on warpaths, destroying cities and maiming and massacring people. It's no wonder that people feared these behemoths.
In all, like with groups of people who are almost wholly distrusted by society today, not all of the Elephantmen are bad, or have bad intentions. Most of them just want to exist somewhat unnoticed by the masses. Something that is very hard to do when you're nine feet tall with gray skin and a trunk.
Elephantmen was something I picked up after meeting Richard Starkings at last year's San Diego Comic Con. I got a free copy of issue one, which had some amazing artwork, including the superstar cover art. Took pics of the Sky Cab cutie, complete with window pane top. And watched a friend pick up all three collected hardcover volumes. It took me almost a year, but I finally got my own volume one at Charlies Comics right here in Tucson. The money I spent on it was more than worth it. A massive phone book sized compilation of the first seven issues, plus issue 0 AND all of the covers; back stories, sketches and more. Elephantmen is an excellent read and a great play on current events and how they might unfold. I give this awesome book something very suitable in the annals of wrestling history... The WWF's annual tournament event that culminated with the June pay per view King of the Ring. The two combatants who made it to the finals were the staunch veteran, Jake "The Snake" Roberts and the young, brash upstart who was told just a year earlier that he would never make it past mid card status and couldn't make a career out of wearing black trunks and black boots to the ring, "Stone Cold" Steve Austin. Roberts had a busted up set of ribs, and Austin had just returned from the hospital after getting his lip stitched shut caused in a previous match that night. Immediately Austin went for the ribs with such gusto that it caused then Commissioner Gorilla Monsoon to break up the fracas just long enough for Roberts to gain the upper hand. But in true "Rattlesnake" style Austin sent the veteran crumbling to the mat with a Stone Cold Stunner. Following the match came possibly the most famous words ever uttered in a promo. As a broken Jake Roberts was helped back to the locker room, Austin began running his mouth in what would be the first of many amazing Stone Cold promos in the WWF/E. "You thump your bible. You talk about your Psalms. You talk about John 3:16. Well Austin 3:16 says, 'I just whipped your ass!"

Tek Jansen: A Hardcore Review

The staunch conservative, Stephen Colbert has done it again folks. Managed to entertain us in ways we never thought imaginable. See a lot of right wingers actually think Colbert is for real and that he's doing this spectacular job. Thus further precipitating my hypothesis that conservatives don't actually have a sense of humor. And based on the sheer number of right thinking, bible thumping asstronaughts out there, I'm fucking right.
Tek Jansen is the story of a delusional space captain, based on the likeness and I'm guessing on screen thought process of Colbert, for Comedy Central. During his adventures, Jansen manages to break every unified space law and embargo for his own massive ego and thought of "might makes right." Didn't we recently have another very public figure who felt that way? And I'm pretty sure, he was the reason why people with mental retardation can now accomplish just about anything. Including running multi-billion dollar corporations into the ground; and becoming President and almost taking over the world. Come to think of it, wasn't Napoleon borderline retarded too? Oh well, I digress. Tek, swoons the ladies, be they human, robot or large floating brain in a jar. Jansen can't be stopped in a nicely produced hardcover by John Layman (Chew) and mostly drawn by Robbi Rodriguez. The first chapter was drawn by Scott Chantler. This is probably the most fun I have had reading a comic book in a while. Super great art, and a Don Quixote-like protagonist at the helm of some pretty dangerous weaponry makes for must read comics. And he's not fighting windmills neither. Jansen, after chapter one's debacle, gets busted down to cadet, and has to go back through basic training. During a lecture course on "civil surrender," Jansen calls his instructor a pussy and rips off his face. Jansen then commandeers a ship and kidnaps the cadet class and goes to war with the Antagons. Blasting damn near everything in sight and killing about half of the class. The final portion of this chapter has Jansen promoted back to whatever the fuck he was before, and shows the outcome of the remaining members of Jansen's cadet classmates. Half Killed in Action, the other half presumed dead and or missing.
During the other chapters, Jansen fights his evil, yet still devastatingly handsome, self to a standstill. Although he was on orders to kill himself, as it were.
And during the entire book Jansen has kept his POW and pet, Meangarr in a closely held jar, while the little space automaton shouts degrading, yet comic relief inspired, threats at Tek. In the end, Jansen releases Meangarr unto the cosmos, who immediately threates to rip out his gizzards. But then relents as he too is stricken by Tek's sheer animal magnetism and machismo.
This is definitely a book for humor and sci fi enthusiasts. And anyone who enjoys the Colbert Report is gonna love this book. The sad fact being is that this title came out right as the 2007 Writer's Strike hit and was postponed from the first issue for several months. When it resurfaced, Oni Press and Comedy Central failed to capitalize on its popularity with fans and it seemed to fade into obscurity. But it stands as a testament to the superior human race and that we as a people must conquer all other species, NOT JUST ON THE PLANET, but in the known universe. Hump those fuckers into submission before they hump us.
Bringing to mind, a not very hardcore, but pretty damn funny moment in wrestling history. During the twilight of Mankind's career in the then WWF, Mankind's closest friend, the Rock decided to throw Mick Foley a "this is your life" type party in the middle of the ring. in front of the "DOZENS and dozens" of Mankind's fans, Rock proceeded to bring out significant people from Mick's past including the old lady whose house Mick leaped off of all those years ago. Fondly recalling that episode in his life, Mankind responds, "She had such delicious pie," to the Rock's near vomiting in the middle of the ring. The Rock and Sock Connection, who were two time WWF World Tag Team Champions and both held the WWF Heavyweight Title on multiple occasions, were a contrast in not only styles, but where they came from. Rock was essentially heralded as wrestling royalty, being the son of Rocky Johnson and the grandson of High Chief Peter Maivia. Where as, Mick was this guy who busted his ass through the independent circuit for years and slept in his car during the cold Pittsburgh nights while training with Troy Martin in Dominic DeNucci's school. Although we mostly remember Mick Foley for the loss of body parts, gallons of blood and insane determination he gave this industry, we sometimes forget the great comedy he provided us with later in his career. Here's to you Mick!