The Crow Wicked Prayer; A Hardcore Review

"Better than the original," and "Greatest goodguy badguy banter this side of a Spider-Man comic," ARE NOT THINGS YOU WILL HEAR IN THIS REVIEW! There is little I enjoy more than destroying something via Hardcore Review. I can use words no one would associate with the project being reviewed. And be as verbose as I want and those of you who read this will salivate like the proverbial Pavlov's dog.
Cause I am fucking honest to a beat down truth. I'm ruthless when it comes to reviewing shit I don't like. And this is gonna be one of those reviews. So, let's get past the greeting and intro and get into the steaming pile of shit that wouldn't be able to fertilize a lawn. Yeah, it's that bad.
First of all to try and sell a movie to potential fans with Edward Furlong, Tara Reid and David "Angel" Boreanaz is your first, second and third mistakes. If it were a felony to cast shitty actors, and it should be, the casting director and director should be in prison without the possibility of parole. I would change my stance on the death penalty for this one folks. There were two possible good points to this utter episiotomy of two hours of my life, Tito "The Huntington Beach Badboy" Ortiz and Danny Trejo, and both were cast to NOT play themselves and fell flat on their faces. Who the fuck casts Danny Trejo to act? Even his cousin doesn't attempt that.
The fact that the hero was five foot nothing and then they tried to spin this whole massive fail of overacting, and tough guy gothitude, not only didn't work, I was actually hoping there was gonna be a repeat of the first movie. No goth is tough. They all sit at home, write shitty poetry in black ink on black notebook paper while listening to either shitty music that makes your ears bleed or 80's (which honestly isn't all bad, but the stuff they stomp dance to sure as fuck is) and cut themselves with their ceremonial fantasy daggers that are laden with crystal balls and dragon handles, they bought online while wearing black vinyl they got at Hot Topic. These people are people I laughed at ten years ago when it was in vogue, and now, I just feel sorry for you that you haven't gone on to the next fad. Especially since most of you haven't bothered to STOP eating or START working out as you've grown ancient.
David Boreanaz as the "satanic biker cult leader," WHEN THERE WASN'T A FUCKING MOTORCYCLE IN THE ENTIRE FUCKING MOVIE! And you gave Tara Reid a speaking role? Who the fuck are you trying to pander to? Cause it wasn't someone who enjoys thinking, or being even remotely entertained.
I've had bowel movements that were more pleasant than listening to the dialog in this piece. I mean to me, James O'Barr is a one hit wonder when it comes to comics, but at least he's had the decency to stay out of the spotlight when he has nothing interesting to say. That guy looked so on edge during his interview on the two disc collector's edition of the original The Crow, that he probably would have strangled his wife and then blown his own head off if he had seen this.
But then, there was the very last possible saving grace, and that was Dennis "PABST BLUE RIBBON" Hopper in one of the final scenes where a Las Vegas style goth Boreanaz shows up to marry Reid's character and all we get is this drivel dialog with Hopper spouting hip hop phrases while conducting the marriage vows. I could barely stomach this, but then again, I already awarded the vaunted Hogan "leg drop" as a grade so, nothing could ever be quite THAT bad. Right?
In terms of this being HARDCORE, here's my take on it. Sid Vicious, when he was Sycho Sid in the WWF, SHITTING HIMSELF during a match with the Undertaker. That's how hardcore this bowel movement was.

Lost Boys The Thirst; A Hardcore Review

What's two fifths of the original and gayer than oiled pecs and waxed legs on Fire Island? Why it's Lost Boys The Thirst of course.
Somebody tell me why Corey Feldman isn't a fucking greeter at WalMart right now?
Thank Eisner that Corey Haim had the good sense to OD before this this cluster fuck of an abortion was made. There were only two good things about this movie, the fact that it had flashbacks to the classic original, AND THAT IT ENDED!
Who the fuck says it does any good to follow current piece of shit pop culture? Apparently, whoever the fuck green lit this flaming bag of dog diarrhea. Sometimes people need to learn that they aren't viable commodities anymore and that they should become just another shadow instead of taking up valuable oxygen and natural resources. I mean Feldman's a Vegan, right? But he still finds it ok to knaw at my brain with his 5'4" caveman self. Just kill yourself already. And the worst part of this piece of tofu slathered shit is that they're gonna make another one. I can only hope like you that Feldman drops dead of being a fucking little bastard with no talent and a nine pack a day voice.
Did you know that Joel "Bat nipples" Schumacher directed the original 80's cult classic The Lost Boys. I mean that movie had it all, four teen heart throbs, Alex Winters from Bill and Ted, that guy who ended up on Thirty Something AND Diane Weist. Plus a kick ass soundtrack. This movie had shitty references to Twilight, the rave scene (do people even rave anymore?) and some seriously ghey vampires. I mean gayer than Robert Pattinson. Well, maybe not THAT GAY.
Who the fuck asked for a third Lost Boys flick? I remember wanting to go on a bloody chainsaw rampage in 08 when at Comic Con International they announced Lost Boys The Tribe. This movie was phenomenally bad. I mean Mystery Science Theater 3000 worthy. Give Feldman a Lifetime Douchebag Achievement Razzie for his continued existence. There's not a lot more I can stomach. Except for the distinct possibility that the cast of Twilight, Feldman and Halle Berry will all be on the next voyage of the Titanic.
How do I grade this fucking dirty bomb of a movie? What moment from wrestling history could I possibly bestow upon this movie that would not encourage people to want to waste the braincells I already martyred for them? How about WCW Sin? The first WCW pay per view of 2001 when Sid Vicious decided after some coercion from the higher ups to try a top rope high flying maneuver and... broke his fucking leg. Not just broke it, that fucker was hanging by a thread. In the process Sid knocked out Scott Steiner in their World Heavyweight Title match.