Swamp Thing (1982); A Hardcore Review *SPOILERS*

What is there to say about a movie that utilizes supernatural chicanery via a rubber suited swamp monster with a hard plastic molded face? What can I say about it? Adrienne Barbeau and her amazing perm didn't save this movie. However, the skinny little black kid who owned and operated his own general store couldn't save it either. And then he got killed. Face down in a swamp boat. But the big green machine feels for all living things and used his super powers to bring the kid back to life and then later save the chesty heroine. Strange thing is, I've never read Swamp Thing, nope, not even Alan Moore's run. Cause well, Alan Moore is a wordy fucking Brit. And if I'm gonna read a comic book, I wanna read a comic book. If I wanna read a novel then I'll read an Alan Moore comic book. So, honestly I have no idea if Swampie can even bring people back to life. I do know he can travel through time and even went and saw Christ being crucified. Which is really weird since there is no God and obviously that means there was no Jesus.
Onto the movie in question. Alec Holland is a botanist working for the United States government. I can already see the magnitude of suckage this is gonna bring me. Holland and his pretty little sister, who Barbeau is jealous of cause she thinks she's Alec's wife, make up this magic glowing ooze, that seems like it should be in a canister that gets dropped into the sewers of New York onto a foursome of reptiles that explodes. Yes folks, this amazing plant fertilizer explodes. I wonder if Timothy McVeigh watched this movie at all. So then the explosion is sort of like the Big Bang for plants as it begins growing pine branches out of the wooden floor. So there's these other guys with guns who come in. One of them has a perm like Ms. Barbeau's and they threaten Dr. Holland and his sister. They gun her down in cold blood and take the notebooks containing all of Holland's knowledge. Let's just say they were really small notebooks. He grabs the goo and runs away, trips and blows up. Gets up off the ground completely engulfed in flames. Runs out of the wooden lab. Great idea, right. And into the swamp, where, even under water he continues to blow up.
Um then some really boring stuff happens. And the badguy is revealed to be Zartan, I mean some dude named Doctor Anton Arcane, who was wearing Ritter's face. Now Ritter was Holland's bodyguard, but apparently he was killed and skinned so Arcane could play dress up. See why this is such a stupid movie is they tried to interject plot. Here's the even more fucked up part. This whole movie was written and driected by Wes Craven. Yes, that Wes Craven, the one who's seemingly given up on telling quality horror stories in order to jump on the 3D bandwagon with "Just Fucking Kill Me Last Summer Already and I'll Scream in the Last House on the Left on Elm Street."
Rubber suits, complete with folds and creases like any good swamp monster. Not to mention Shakespearesque quality dialog by said monster, you know if Shakespear was seriously retarded, stoned and drunk all at the same time. Then Swampie gets his arm cut off, finds out photosynthesis grows said arm back and escapes from the shackles of man, free to destroy his oppressors. Oh wait I mixed this up with Nat Turner's Diary which will be out later this NEVER! Cause no white movie executive would ever tell a story about an oppressed black man who rose up and slaughtered a whole bunch of white people and then was later murdered himself. That would get the darkies thinking. If they could stop talking in the theatre long enough to hear anything.
See that's why this is the Hardcore Review. Cause I'll say shit like that. After a really shitty, and I mean Hulk Hogan like effort, Power Rangers type of final fight scene with Arcane, Alice Cable (Barbeau) doesn't get laid by Swampie, who walks off into the swamp without the theme from the Incredible Hulk playing the in the background.
So the grade for this would probably have to fall in the anals, I mean annals (how ever could I have made that mistake) of a poor young woman named Katie Vick. Now I know what you're thinking and this has nothing to do with a dog killing quarterback who couldn't throw the ball if his life depended on it. It seems Kane, brother of the Undertaker killed a woman while out driving one night when he was on a date. I didn't know they issued driver's licenses to ahem, seven foot tall big red retards like Kane, who at that point couldn't even speak without one of those voice thingies that throat cancer patients use. So she dies, and in a stunning grasp of what the fans want Vince McMahon decides to show a re-enactment of Kane humping the dead body of Katie Vick while she was in her casket. Triple H was feuding with Kane at the time and it was actually Triple H who screwed her brains out. I know Hunter had to have been hating this entire ordeal. But even the son in law to the boss doesn't hold enough stroke to get out of this abortion.