Friday the 13th UNCUT; A Hardcore Review

Today I review one of my all-time favorite movies, the original Friday the 13th. This time UNCUT. And what exactly does uncut mean? It means 10 extra seconds of footage that was not in the original theatrical release back in 1980. It means a grizzlier death for the man who is so popular he inspired a game called "Six Degrees of Separation from..." Yup you guessed it. Like so many other people who are now pretty damn famous, some more deserving than others, Kevin Bacon got his big screen start in the original Friday the 13th. And with the uncut version, right after a post sex joint, Bacon gets goozled from under the bed by an arrowhead. It was a great shot of the abilities of Tom Savini, who at one point in his career denounced all the horror special effects he did and said it had been a waste. Then went back on that and started making movies again.
Anyways. For those of you not in the know, the killer in this movie WAS NOT Jason Voorhees. Had Drew Berrymore known this in Scream she'd still be alive today. I saw this first when I was about 12 or 13 and in Junior High. It was a magical time in my life. Being loathed by so many people at school. Even being made the butt of a joke that the entire school knew about, and I didn't. It was fun times. Especially when I would sit in class and remember watching all these horror movies and envision killing a lot of those who surrounded me in equally R rated kinda ways. But why I may ask myself, when but two decades later, they're all saddled with kids and wrinkled and flabby flesh and me, I'm better than ever. Stronger, smarter and tougher than they could ever think of. I think kids really need to go through some hardships in their lives to come to appreciate life more. We have way to many online high schools to avoid having to deal with bullies and shitty class sizes and faculty that are so underpaid they don't give a shit about you and your thoughts for six years of junior and senior high school.
But back to the movie. I watched this at my girlfriend, Christina's place on Friday the 13th with some friends, her brother Ron and her podcast cohort, Matt, who proceeded to entertain us all and scream like a little girl every time someone got killed. And not to mention when Christina's sister knocked on the door, Matt just about lost it. It was great. Eating "Spooky Meaty Chili" and drinking Kilt Lifters while Matt asked what was going to happen next every five minutes was a lot of fun. The fact that he had never seen the movie before made it a blast, cause it's always good to watch horror movies with someone who's never seen it before. The deaths brought out with dvd quality and sound. Kevin Bacon gurgling on his own blood. And then the voice..... "help meeeeee." Ah, I fuckin' love that part. Each time. It's so fucking eerie. "Help Meeeeeeee." And almost completely inaudible from the rain. Then you get to meet the killer. Expecting it to be some massive shape that tears through the camp counselors like cheap linens. But it's not, it's frail little Mrs. Voorhees. All one hundred ten pounds of her. Now in Scream they discerned that there were rules for surviving a scary movie. One of which was you couldn't drink or do drugs, another was you had to remain pure like Laurie Strode in Halloween. However if you watch closely, and listen to the cast and crew commentary, you'll notice sole survivor Alice, not only smokes weed and drinks a few beers during the course of the movie, there is also implications of her having sex with the new owner of Camp Crystal Lake. And when all is said and done, Alice, safe in the canoe in the middle of the lake, safe as can be. Being called to by the Sheriffs on the shore as she wakes from post massacre slumber....
THE TORCH IS PASSED! And wee little Jason Voorhees who would grow up to be a massive king of death, pulls Alice under. The final moments being Alice in the hospital being questioned by the Sheriff, asking her what she remembered. "Strip Monopoly." "What?" "Oh nothing. What about the boy, Jason. The one who pulled me under the water?" Only for the sheriff to look at her blankly and say, "We didn't find any boy." Adrienne King who plays Alice looks at the screen and says, "Than he's still out there....."
This movie holds such a special place in my heart for so many fucked up reasons. And not just fucked up reasons. But really good reasons too. The grade this movie receives is equally old school yet very hardcore in nature. Flair versus Funk in 1989, NWA Clash of the Champions. It started when after his third match in a series with Ricky Steamboat, Funk came into the ring to congratulate Flair. Clad in a tuxedo, as a judge for the match. Funk attacked Flair and then gave him a piledriver through a table. This brought upon an "I Quit" match at the next Clash of the Champions. The two, who may be the two greatest wrestlers in the profession go back and forth in the ring and out on the floor. Funk even piledrivers Flair TWICE. Once in the ring and once on the cold floor or particle board that was covering a hockey rink. After probably fifteen minutes of fighting, a table is brought into play. No one gets put through the table, but both Flair and Funk taste the wood. There was no blood, but plenty of carnage. In the end, Flair works on Funk's legs, who sells like no one else in the business. A Man who was all about business and what was best for the industry. Funk sold the Figure Four for Flair like very few else have done. And after being beaten and chopped, finally achingly shouting, "Yes I quit."

Chew vol. 1; A Hardcore Review

So the "IT" book has landed on the Hardcore Review. The first trade paperback of Chew from Image is titled, "Taster's Choice." It stars Tony Chu, and very unstereotypical Asian American police officer. Tony Chu is one of three known Cibopaths in the world. A Cibopath is defined as a person who can take a bite of an apple and immediately tell the orchard and region it came from, if it had pesticides used on it and what kind. He can even tell about the person who harvested the fruit. Invariably, Chu can see details about the slaughter of beef or pork and the hormones and the suffering the animal went through. This causes Chu to not want to eat all that much. As with any power there is bound to be some limitation. Tony Chu's limits, strangely enough, beets. His power won't work on beets. So when Chu does eat, let's just say he eats a lot of beets.
In the world of Chew, America has put a ban on chicken, due to the alleged Avian Flu pandemic. Chu and his partner are on a stakeout of a Chicken House. Things get tangled as a local chicken kingpin walks through the front door.
During the mixup, Chu and his partner are invited in by an FDA agent to partake in chicken dinner. Yes, the FDA is the most powerful law enforcement agency in the United States. Chu gets the soup and immediately knows there's something wrong. His partner gets killed in the fracas. And suddenly police officer Tony Chu is the FDA's newest agent.
The remaining five chapters of "Taster's Choice" deal with a surly and cantankerous boss, who sees Chu only as some circus sideshow act, the cannibalizing of dead and at times festering flesh; and a seriously weird fight with Russian vampires.
The writing of John Layman (Tek Jansen) and the amazing artwork of Rob Guillory bring this topical story to maddening, vivid life. Not your typical, overly muscled super cop, Tony Chu is rendered as a regular guy, complete with bad posture and receding hairline. Guillory's line style is coupled with great coloring, and a biting sarcastic wit wrought on by Layman, who was made famous with Stephen Colbert's Tek Jansen. I got a chance to talk to John Layman about the making of Tek Jansen, the notes of which I might reveal in a review of said book. Meanwhile, this was a fun, fast paced ride with all the trimmings of a fantastic fried chicken dinner.
Chew volume 1 rates pretty fucking high up on my list of must read comics for 2010. In fact if you were to watch a wrestling match of equal entertainment value from the annals of wrestling history, only one man would come to mind that is ALWAYS worth the price of the show. And that match would be Anarchy Rulz 2000 Television Title rematch between the incumbent Rhino and the man who never lost the belt to begin with, Rob Van Dam. The match was purely physical on Rhino's part and high flying on Van Dam's. Everything Van Dam did, Rhino powered out of. He even pulled Bill Alphonso into the path of the "Vanterminator!" And then scooped up Rob and sitout piledrivered him from the ring apron through a nearby table. And even though RVD lost and never did regain the World Television Title he is always worth the cost of the entire pay per view. Even ten years later.

Tricked!; A HArdcore Review

Just finished reading Powergirl 8 and 9 and Kick-Ass 8. Finished the graphic novel, Tricked by Alex Robinson this past weekend too. Remarkable work. Robinson hits "slice of life" out of the park with everything of his that I have read. The fact that he included a character from Box Office Poison was a really nice touch. And the way he wove the tapestry of several individuals into a total mind fuck was some of the best story telling I have ever had the pleasure of reading and viewing, since it's a graphic novel. Robinson tells the story of a semi washed up pop rocker, his new personal assistant; Caprice the holdover from Box Office Poison; her two bosses; the counterfeiting sports memorabilia store employee and his double life; the estranged daughter who never knew her father; and the dejected nervous wreck who loses his job and then his mind.
Tricked! is a fascinatingly fast paced ride through the lives of what is one of the most interesting ensemble cast of characters this side of Wet Moon. The way Robinson draws you into the lives of people you must pass on the street is enthralling. Anybody wishing to write "slice of life" stories should take notes with Robinson's work on Tricked! It is easily one of the best indie graphic novels of this new millennium.
Rating Tricked! on my usual scale this time around gave me a great idea for a grade. After coming back from an 8 month layoff due to rupturing (legitimately) his left quadriceps muscle, Triple H received massive fanfare and a push to the WWE Unified World Title at Wrestlemania 18. The problem was, his wife Stephanie McMahon Helmsley wasn't getting enough attention. During a tantrum Stephanie demands the couple renew their wedding vows, which trust me is a whole other grade in and of itself. She reveals she is pregnant, and gets Triple H to agree to the spectacle. After viewing the sonogram an preparations in the coming weeks on Raw and Smackdown the couple get ready to renew their vows in full black tie regalia. Linda McMahon sends Triple H a video tape of the very same "doctor" who performed the sonogram doing a vacation infomercial. In typical Triple H anti-face fashion, he goes down to the wire of the ceremony until it's his turn to recite his prewritten vows. He rips into Stephanie for all of her conniving, deceitful, two faced actions as of late, only to be physically attacked by the near geriatric Vince McMahon. Triple H "Pedigrees" the father of the bride and tears the wedding set asunder, makes his way up the entrance ramp with Stephanie scorned. I stand by this grade even though you would have to see it to have full effect, rather than read my freaking dissertation of it.

The Boondocks Season 1; A Hardcore Review

Into it holds the idea that we should be fair and balanced and be "nice" and not be damning of a product or its creators. I say this. It would not be truth if I only reviewed things I liked or always in a favorable way. In fact the reviews where I have panned something have brought me the most kudos from readers. And quite simply, if you do not like things to be reviewed fairly and in an editorial manner... DON'T FUCKING READ MY REVIEWS! In fact if that's how you feel you should probably never read anything I write... EVAR!
I am going to remind everyone who reads these reviews that the grading system I use is this: instead of thumbs up or stars, I rate on hardcore moments in pro wrestling history. The more hardcore the event, match, promo or moment the more I liked the book, comic, movie or video game I am reviewing. The less hardcore the moment, the more I disliked it. An example would be anything related to Hulk Hogan would be highly NOT recommended. Onto the review...
On to the very first Hardcore Review in quite some time and the first here on my new blog. I have to say I have read handfuls of the comic strip of the Boondocks. Aaron McGruder is one intelligent guy. His takes on how pop culture reflects life, and some of the absurdities that race plays in the way we view things and act out ourselves. Huey Freeman is a ten year old revolutionary with ideals on changing suburbia and the world at large. His younger brother Riley is a foul mouthed, gangsta wannabe with visions of living like Tony Montana in Scarface. Their grandfather, Robert has his own ideas, about hooking up with a young cutie.
Huey spends his days finding new ways to run a foul of the ideas of what a ten year old black kid in suburbia is supposed to be. From conducting experiments on how black television can affect you physically to standing on a soap box spouting about how the government is lying to the public, to running an escape plan for a man wrongfully accused and sentenced for murder. Riley spends his time hanging with equally juvenile friends Ed Wunsler III and Gin Rummy, who get into all sorts of trouble regarding the attempted kidnapping of Oprah to "fighting terrorism" at a gas station convenience store they frequent in order to rob it. While Grandad "Bitches" Freeman gets his ride, "Dorothy" pimped by Xzibit to dating a ho named Crystal, like the champagne.
Did you know that Dr. Martin Luther King Junior WASN'T assassinated? He was shot, but then slipped into a forty year long coma. He woke just in time to condemn the United States' war on terror following the 9/11 attacks, to become the most hated man in America. Were you aware that there's a disease that makes the pigment in your skin darker? And that Michael Jackson was the lucky son of a bitch who didn't get it. And did you know that rich white men can pretty much do whatever they want in America? Including robbing their family owned banks. Kidnap celebrities AND open fire on an "armed" terrorist who's been quietly working in a convenience store for years.... in front of a cop! This series is quality from top to bottom. Every character is beautifully crafted and every story is amazing thought out.
The Boondocks is triumphant in so many different ways. Aaron McGruder is possibly the most intelligent syndicated cartoonist in history. The Boondocks did to late night cartoon time slots what Tommy Dream did to elevate the feud with Raven at ECW's Heatwave 1995. After Stevie Richards was soundly trounced and bloodied by Luna Vachon, Tommy handcuffed Raven to the cage surrounding the ring, in essence crucifying him before delivering the most heinous chair shot in the history of wrestling, "the chair shot heard round the world."