Self Contemplations

So, a lot of things have gone down since I first found out about Lisa's murder. I continued working on Fuzzyface, and finally finished it; I've made some new friends; I thought I connected with someone and then it all got fucked up; I've thought a lot about having kids, and wondered what I have that I could offer the next generation; and I've just been having a ton of feelings. I recently learned that the judge in Paul Beam's murder trial may call for a mistrial based on juror misconduct. Like it matters. Guy kills his girlfriend and mother of his child and people don't even blink anymore. Truth is, it wouldn't have made a dent in my life if it happened to someone I didn't know. It's fucking horrible to say, but most of us live in this goddamn bubble all the time and never break out of it. We just don't want to have to lose whatever we might have left of ourselves to the horrors of the world. We don't want despair or ruin, but that's all they play on the fucking news. All the time; war, economy crumbles, terrorist attacks, plots by governments, food recalls, automobile recalls, children dying somewhere we've never heard of. They say the average American teen has witnessed 3000 plus murders in their life when reach fifteen. Because of television. The news. Schwarzenegger movies. Eminem rapping. And good old boy George W Bush spewing his hate, wrath and venom. Things used to make sense to me. And now, on the eve of producing something I had no idea I was capable of, I just don't fucking know. I want to be sure of things. I want to say I have life by the balls. And I even know for the most part I do. Right now my Bubbas are all sprawled out on my bed, snoozing and all I can do is want to cry and destroy things right now. I hate that life has to do this. I hate the peaks and valleys. But what I hate more is the plateaus. They seem to go on forever. I'm 31 and I don't feel old. But I don't exactly feel like a child anymore. I worry and I tremble. And sometimes I'm not sure if things will ever get any better. I'm scarred to be alone. And I don't know what to do to find someone who'll stand beside me. I just feel like drinking. I feel like maybe it's ok to give up. I know it's not. And I'm not gonna. But I just haven't felt whole in a while. And I think I know why. I made a promise to a girl back in 2003. I promised I would always be her friend and that I would protect her. And then I walked out that door and never saw her again. Never spoke to her again, but always wondered how she was. Always worried for her safety. She always had a knack for getting into fucked up relationships. And I know, in my heart she wouldn't want me to feel this way. But I can't change what is in my heart. I can't change what my heart wants. I can't undo what was done to her. Nothing I will ever do will bring her back. I know this. I can be logical about it. I understand how it all works. And it is probably why I am attracted to and attract younger women with a lot of personal issues. It's why I truly need to help someone. Cause if I can help just one person, maybe I can continue on. If I do something right, then maybe I can feel whole again. I honestly don't have a choice in this matter. It's something I have to do. This is my penance.