Twilight: A Hardcore Drunken Review

Let me first reinterate that this is a hardocre drunken review. The editing has been done as seen fit, but is left in tact as much as possible as given the feature being reviewed. I aM still drinking Kiltlifters as I type this with my girlfriend aspeep in the next room. I am leaving things uncorrected as I see fit, as I am drunk while typing thus.
dSo, me and my girfriend/ boothbabe just watched Twilight, or I did, as she fell asleep with fifteen minutes left on the clock. And since thw World Cup is going on, fifteen seconds is a LONG fucking time. First things first, I didn't hate this movie as much as I thought I would or as much as I wanted to, or maybe that was cause I'm drunk. In fact the opeming title thingee is still playing in a loop as I type this. My newly accepted girlfriend is asleep in the next room, but sleepishly demanded tht I write this review. It';s not gonna make a lot of sense since I AM DRUNK, but it should be entertaining none the less.
So I juist picked up my new glasses yesterday after an interview. And I must say my new girlfriend likes them a lot. As do I. They're frameless. Is thar even a word?
So, after convincing me weeks ago that I must be inebriated to watch said movie, I agreed and sat down, although there was a very long break during, because I was warching with my girlfriend, "wink." This movie wasnt the complete, Black Baby Abortion thaT mEGAN fOX HAD THAT i EXPECTED,. If you follow current complete "who gives a shit" celebrity news than you might know what I'm talking about. So this girl moves o Washington state, as if that's ever happened before. And makes quick friends, like tha happens witha pasty white chick and a bunch of minorities, in a state populated by minorities. And she seems to catch the eye of this one really weird guy who cant stand to look at her for more than a few seconds without running out of the classroom like he just jizzed his pants. Anyways, she almost gets hsit bya car and this weird pedophile looking motherfucker saves her foe reaseons explained later in the movie, which is really gay and I'm glad Iam still drunk while writing this. Guy m,eets girl and decides he wants to kill her or suck her blood or fuck her or whatever. I mean this is why this is a hardcore review, right? So he falls in love with this girl who onluy looked good in Adventureland, and decides to not killer, as he's some sort of vegetarian vampire who only eats animals. Um, I know I'm drunk but that;s not a vegetarian. aNYways theres this other guy who shows up without a shirt in the next movie anf is sill underage, but is an Indian, so
i guss that makes it ok that this is a really gay story, and if you fol,low my facebook then you know what I mean by "gay."
Baseball ensues, which is a fucking boring game unless you';re playing it. And then they hunt Bella, which is also gay, unless you've seen Kristen Stewart plau a trashy whore in Adventureland like I have. And trust me yo havent. Cause she was like a thousand time trashier in my mind. Is trashier even a word? I guess it is according to this spellchieck. Keep in mind this is like my tenth Kiltlifter in like three hours.
So she wakes up in a hospital and then goes to prom wher Jacob (the Werewolf) and Edward (team wooden steak) see e ach other and get all wanna bee agro, but the just come off as uber gaylike. Why does Edwards adiptiv father look like muy roommate? Seriously, that shuit is gonna keep me up at nights. Or days as I work nights, but irregardless (whcih is supprisinglya word on this spellcheck.
So this movie gets a grade befitting to its and my current state. Cactus JAck versus The Sandman in ECW. The Sandman was out on his feet during a Texas DEath Match against Cactus Jack. The object of which is to beat ths shit out of your opponent, pin him and them hope he doenst answer the ten count. Early un the match Sandman suffered a concussion and wouldn't stay down. So, Cactus had to continue beating the shit out of him to keep him down for not only three count, but the ten count that followed. I'm drunk so all I remember is Cactus hitting Sandman with a fucking cast iron skillet ND i thing thAt is what gave Sandman the concussion. Mick (Cactus Jack) admits to it in a dvd. The matxch that kept on going was a train wreck. Like seriously. Watch it and you'll see Jim's eyes rolled into tha back of his head and not recogniing where he is. Its craxy. It's on Mick Foley's Greatsest Hits and Misses dvd from the devils in Stamford. I can really reven type.
GO TEAM WOODEN STEAK!