Blacula: A Hardcore Review *SPOILERS*

So I watched this atrocity in two parts on Hulu. Man, I understand what Blaxploitation was about. And I know the genre a little. But gimme a break. Did this director even know the meaning of plot or pacing in this movie? Cause it was totally lost on me. I rate it only slightly higher on the list of shitty vampire movies than Twilight, cause well, I was drunk when I watched that abortion.
First thing was Blacula's name, Mamuwalde. I know in the story he was an Sfrican prince, but the fact that he had an American accent is fucked up. And how does a chick call his name in the heat of passion? It's four fucking syllables. That brings me to the bitch he hooks up with, who according to him is his wife reincarnated. They meet under auspicious circumstances, as he mistakes her for his wife, and chases her down the street, and then she even entertains the thought of still talking to him, much less hooking up with him. And then after fucking one time, when Blacula leaves, she says she loves him. There's your strong female character for the day folks.
Then there's the transformation from human to Blacula. Apparently Blaculas grow massive monobrows, sick looking porkchop sideburns and become seriously devolved. The only one that can actually speak or hold a thought, is Blacula himself.
And what the fuck was up with all the cops wearing helmets while riding in their cop cars. It was like watching a shitty version of Benny and Joon.
So the whole thing revolves around Mamuwalde being bitten by Dracula himself. Sealed up in a coffin and purchased along with all the other belongings from Count Dracula's castle in the 1970's. The two interior designers open the casket and get attacked by Blacula. It was kinda funny, cause the two designers get attacked. One gets buried immediately, the other has his body viewed by the family and friends, and a investigative doctor? I honestly don't know how the dead interior designer was linked to the sister of the chick who Blacula thought was his wife, but somehow she was. It could have been explained in the dialog, but it was so vomitously horrendous that I think my brain shielded it from me, in order to keep me able to continue to create stuff on my own. And I'm not saying my stuff is better than this, but yeah, my stuff is better than this. Oh, god it made me want to drink like Old English 800 or King Cobra, it was that fucking terrible. And still it was better than Twilight, cause well, at least Blacula has the decency to die when he went into the sunlight.
The grade for this movie should be as such, and as you know it revolves around wrestling. But do I use a vampire wrestling reference (yes, they have happened. MORE THAN ONCE!) or do I use a seriously racist angle (of which there are way too many to pick from). And I think, no. I'll go with clear crowd reaction failure. It was 1996, just after Kurt Angle had won the gold medal for freestyle wrestling in the heavyweight division. That's not the bad part. The show being filmed in the ECW Arena that night was pretty much a culmination involving the Raven versus Sandman feud that had been going on for the better part of a year by this point. And "without" the knowledge or approval of either Paul Heyman or Tod Gordan, after brainwashing his wife and son and beating him to another bloody pulp, Raven, Stevie Richards, Nova and The Blue Meanine crucified the Sandman. Complete with barbed wire as his proverbial crown of thorns. The crowd just went silent. They became pissed off, and got all moody like the kids who watch Twilight as they battle between armies of Ethan and Jacob, or whoever that fucker is. Kurt Angle lost it and began screaming at Joey Styles, who he was doing play by play commentary with during the show. See, Christians have no fucking sense of humor about their fucking ridiculous faith. I mean c'mon. The story has been told about a million times before. Virgin chick gets knocked up by god, has a child on the 25th of December. Kid grows up and raises the dead and heals the sick. Gets persecuted, tried, and then crucified. Three days later he rises from the dead? Where has this happened before you ask. Try looking up the history of Horus, son of Ra, the Egyptian god of the son. That story predates Christianity by oh 2,000 years! True story...