Friday, October 1, 2010

Hard Boiled; a hardcore Review

I am going to remind everyone who reads these reviews that the grading system I use is this: instead of thumbs up or stars, I rate on hardcore moments in pro wrestling history. The more hardcore the event, match, promo or moment the more I liked the book, comic, movie or video game I am reviewing. The less hardcore the moment, the more I disliked it. An example would be anything related to Hulk Hogan would be highly NOT recommended. Onto the review...

Have you ever wondered how many different ways a human being can killed with a fire arm? Hard Boiled answers that question. A lot.
Hard Boiled in the preeminent John Woo movie. It is more than just a shoot 'em up flick. It is THEE shoot 'em up flick. John Woo knows action. He knows gun play and he knows dialog. Hard Boiled is the overt guy flick. There's no over done or added in typical romance bullshit. No, pithy "I think I'm better than you," dialog. And absolutely nothing goes unscathed in this ultimate action movie.
From the opening teahouse shootout to the end, never seems to end action sequence in the Hong Kong hospital, John Woo and company deliver. And they deliver without a delivery fee and on time. Chow Yun Fat proves with this movie that he is a absolute baddass. Fat does for action heroes in Hong Kong, what Bruce Willis is for action heroes in the state, but without all the one liners. Sure he's been in other quality movies, but this one is by far his best, and puts him on the map for good. Fat is to gun play what Bruce Lee is to Kung Fu flicks. There is simply none better. All that and his name is Tequila. Everything blows up, gets shot, bleeds it out or dies from blunt force trauma in Hard Boiled. A movie so fucking awesome they made a genre of movies from it, and a series of shoot 'em up video games.
Tequila is a no nonsense cop in Hong Kong, who kills one of his own in the opening, and amazingly coreographed shoot out with the Chinese Triad. Covered in flour, Tequila makes the final bullet count. He's more of a shoot first ask questions and deal with the consequences later kind of cop. And if fans want it any other way... FUCK 'EM!
Fighting his way to the top of the Triad's hitlist, Tequila causes waves within his precinct. His boss hates him. His lady friend can't stand him. And all Tequila wants is his jazz band drummer/ partner back.
This movie culminates with an epic sequence in a hospital where Tequila finds he has friends in strange places, and a whole bunch of people die in extremely fucked up ways. Mostly involving bullets and blood loss. Oh but count the ways. And the varying calibers used in the carnage.
Cops try and protect the patients all while the Triad begin acing anyone not affiliated with them. And I do mean everyone, even the newly born in the maternity wing. Watch as Tequila and Alan race to find the armory cache. Witness as the Triad lessen in number with every squeeze of Tequila's trigger finger. And amaze as nothing stands in the way of the only Hong Kong cinema superstar who kills better with chromed steel than with his fists of fury. And action fans wouldn't have it any other way.
This movie rates a special historic moment in hardcore wrestling history. Way back to the 1980's when the NWA still reigned as pro wrestling's moral conscious. A cage match. An "I quit match." All rolled into one. The object: batter your opponent so badly that he is forced to say, "I quit." That's the only way to end the match. And since it's within the confines of the mighty and fearsome steel cage, there's gonna be absolutely no shenanigans. The challenger, Magnum T.A. versus the United States Champion Tully Blanchard. This was NOT a wrestling match so much as it was a knock down drag out, everyone's gonna bleed.... A LOT kinda match. Blanchard has a wooden chair thrown into the cage where he smashes it to pieces, and then uses a fragment with a very sharp point on the head of Magnum T.A. Somehow, Magnum gets out of it, and uses the wooden stake on Blanchard, a member of the prestegious Four Horsemen. And even though the microphone was nowhere near Tully's mouth, you can see and hear his cries for mercy, as he squeals, "I quit!"

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